A False Truth

[Sigrid]

So, thought I'd try my hand. It's been a while. And yes, that was a disclaimer. Anyways, was snooping around the Challenges thread because I very obviously needed a kickstart, and went for (I think) the second one on the list. Thus, the resultant short story/mini chapter/thing.

 

 

Title: A False Truth

Rating: PG-13

Rated for: Mature Language (Sexual Language, Profanity), Violence.

Critique level: Critique Encouraged

 

 

 

When the sun set that night, she knew it would not rise again.

 

She knew this, but it would have been hard for anyone in the onlooking crowd to say that she even noticed the setting of the sun. Her head had been lolling forward for nearly half of an hour, and some of the less trustworthy in the crowd were beginning to assume that the Mediators had killed her. They were quick to assure the people that they were not so careless, and that she was only so weak as to have fallen unconscious from the pain.

 

The crowd was rather pleased with this pronouncement, at least for a while.

 

She was pleased with it too, knowing it to be false. They called themselves Mediators, but in her opinion the barbed cleverness of that title failed to live up to its definition. As ”œnegotiators”

Edited January 18, 2012 by Guest

[Travis]

She thought it a wise tactic, that he so often kept his back facing the crowd.

No need for a comma there.

 

At least he wasn't leering at her, like he used to.

Again, no need for a comma.

 

She'd seen it before, from where the crowd stood enrapt.

It may be correct grammatically, but I would have used "enraptured" instead of "enrapt."

 

Do Not Rise In The Presence Of The Highest, And His Presence Is Infinite.

Typically, articles like "a," "an," and "the" are not capitalized. Neither are the words "in," "or," and "is" unless they are at the beginning or (occasionally) the end of a sentence.

 

Beyond that, it was a very well written story. Some of your word choices were a little different, but that is part of what makes authors unique: how they choose their words. You set things up quite well and left trails and hints to help the readers figure out what was going on. Even while you did that, you didn't burden us with too much back story or extraneous details. Great work, truly.

 

Out of curiosity, is this all there was to this piece, or is it the first of a series of chapters/segments?

[Sigrid]

Thanks for the critique, Travis. I like "enraptured", too, but forgot about that option. As for capitalizing, when it comes to those big pronouncements I always used to fumble what is and isn't capitalized. Still do!

 

Well, this just seemed to happen. I hadn't intended to be writing anything, but now that I have I think that this piece could potentially be part of a larger whole. At the moment I'm not sure, but here's to hoping I'm able to write something more in this vein.

 

Oh, and I was wondering (if you pop back in here and have the time and inclination), could you perhaps point out some of those words you thought a bit different? Maybe if I see them in context, I might think that I would have rather chosen a different word, you see.

 

Thanks again.

[Travis]

Oh, and I was wondering (if you pop back in here and have the time and inclination), could you perhaps point out some of those words you thought a bit different? Maybe if I see them in context, I might think that I would have rather chosen a different word, you see.

Sure, no problem.

 

And in the dizzying eddy of this energy, when all sound had dipped low again and the hush of anxious anticipation smothered the great square of this rotten city, Roger finished his Mediation.

Take this sentence.

 

When you say "dizzying eddy" to describe the energy, that is a rather unique phrase. It isn't bad by any means, but is not necessarily what I would have used. I wouldn't change it though, because that is part of what makes you unique in your writing style.

 

Same goes for when you said "dipped low" because that isn't something most people would use. Again, not bad, but different.

 

Screams of an altogether different sort rang out through the crowd, the zealous rabbits suddenly cowed by a plan gone wrong,

For another example, calling the crowd "zealous rabbits" is something I would have never thought to do. It is a vivid image that helps portray how you, the author, wants us to see that crowd. It is a good description and is part of why this story works.

 

”œYou, the lawful people so devoted to the Highest, have called for the final purification of Willa Lambrick, outlaw, murderer, criminal, assassin,”

[Sigrid]

I see what you mean, now. Thanks much for the examples. I also wonder if it's common form for the author to go back into the initial post and edit with what critique has been given? Or to simply take it as helpful critique for their own understanding?

[Travis]

I edit my own works after people point out things that need fixing all the time. As long as it isn't a roleplay post or a debate, you can edit almost anything.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Great little viggie! I've always loved your writing style in the RP, and it's fun to see it here in FanFic. Love your choices of words--very poetic and smooth, wrapping around our minds elegantly.

 

I think this stood on it's own just fine, but I'd also be interested if you wanted to expand on it. What are these words? Why are they so rare? Obviously, they are insanely powerful. If she could use them, why couldn't she free herself? What is the political structure that is going on in this world? You have plenty more to write about if you choose to.

 

Thanks for sharing!

[Tiana Calthye]

I liked "enrapt" better, but if I were to use "enraptured" instead, I would've added a comma before it. "Where the crowd stood, enraptured.

 

Sorry to interfere with another's judgment. I liked it, but found it unnerving, whether due to the zealousy or simply the fact that it felt like I'd come into a story a bit late. Well done, though!

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Nice job! It's definitely a vig that pulls you in quickly, wondering what's happened and going to happen! Like Ami said, there are still a lot of unanswered questions that could easily lead to a larger story... (hinthint). The writing was pretty clean and descriptive; the plot complex and well thought out.

 

Unless you get feedback that a particular word choice sounds wrong, I would keep the more unique choices you use, like Travis picked up. As he said, they make your writing unique ... and I know I get tired of seeing some words overused!

 

And just my $0.02... I'd keep the 'enraptured' but add the comma like Tiana suggested.

 

...or simply the fact that it felt like I'd come into a story a bit late.

Tiana, I never thought I'd hear you complain about in medias res!