Post a Paragraph and get it Critiqued!

[Tiana Calthye]

Sometimes you get just a short bit of a story that's just not spot on, something that's just not working. Post your bit or just post a crit!

 

This is a short section from a story I started a bit earlier in August. The basic premise is that EVERYONE IS DYING from this plague known only as the Ice. Presently, it's an absolute disaster. Here is an example of the disaster.

 

She grit herself against the cold and against the neon lights, and started the long walk down the block towards the corner store. Its lights were still shining and by the time she reached it, she was freezing and well relieved to stumble into the store, collapsing against the wall and staring into the bright lights. There was a payphone, there was the bank machine, there were the slushie machines in the back full of bright colored liquid. The teller sat at the front, reading a magazine with a picture of a couple of naked ladies. Dyne found herself shocked and stared until the teller set the magazine down and looked over to her.

 

"Huh," said the cashier. "Haven't seen you here in a while."

[NavyGal]

Sometimes you get just a short bit of a story that's just not spot on, something that's just not working. Post your bit or just post a crit!

 

This is a short section from a story I started a bit earlier in August. The basic premise is that EVERYONE IS DYING from this plague known only as the Ice. Presently, it's an absolute disaster. Here is an example of the disaster.

 

She grit herself against the cold and against the neon lights, and started the long walk down the block towards the corner store. Its lights were still shining and by the time she reached it, she was freezing and well relieved to stumble into the store, collapsing against the wall and staring into the bright lights. There was a payphone, there was the bank machine, there were the slushie machines in the back full of bright colored liquid. The teller sat at the front, reading a magazine with a picture of a couple of naked ladies. Dyne found herself shocked and stared until the teller set the magazine down and looked over to her.

 

"Huh," said the cashier. "Haven't seen you here in a while."

 

I'm just going to take this and in my own style change it around myself and maybe explain a few of the changes... I will do it a sentence by sentence thing.

 

Straight up I think you have used the word "and" too much in this paragraph.

 

She grit herself against the cold and against the neon lights, and started the long walk down the block towards the corner store.

 

She braced herself against the cold and (you don't need against in here again) the neon lights, and started the long walk down the block towards the corner store.

 

Its lights were still shining and by the time she reached it, she was freezing and well relieved to stumble into the store, collapsing against the wall and staring into the bright lights.

 

Reword this maybe?

 

By the time she reached it she was absolutely freezing. The lights were still shining though, and as she stumbled into the store she welcomed the relief being inside brought to her chilled body.

 

 

There was a payphone, there was the bank machine, there were the slushie machines in the back full of bright colored liquid.

 

Maybe more description of where these items are? You say the slushie machines are at the back but is everything else there too? How is this relevant to the rest of the paragraph. Is she looking around the store at this?

 

The teller sat at the front, reading a magazine with a picture of a couple of naked ladies. Dyne found herself shocked and stared until the teller set the magazine down and looked over to her.

 

"Huh," said the cashier. "Haven't seen you here in a while."

 

This bit seems the best bit of the paragraph to me.

 

Maybe change said the cashier to grunted the cashier. "Huh" has always seemed more more of an exclamation or a grunt to me.

[Artemia]

I heard a cry come from the living room as I clasped my necklace around my neck.

 

Well, more like a manly groan of anguish. Rolling my eyes, I touched up my makeup. Gay men and their theatrics. So what if he carried a gun and was part of the mob? Michael was nothing if not melodramatic at times.

 

I opened the door of my room just in time to hear him ranting.

 

”œWhat do you mean she's not ready yet? The party starts in a half hour, and you know if we aren't there my mother will have a conniption!”

[Chosen One Ephant Mon]

A story I started long ago but will surely never finish.

 

Patches of warm orange colored the cloud-strewn sky as the sun sank into the horizon. Along the sidewalk a man of average height and average build ran with purpose, sliding in and out of darkness, passing through the lengthening shadows from the tall buildings that lined his right. The sprint slowed to a jog, and then to a walk, as he drew near a familiar building until finally he came to a stop at the building's front door. After throwing a glance to his watch, he placed his hands on his hips and allowed his heavy breathing to overtake him. Standing with eyes closed and head raised, he inhaled, exhaled, through the swirl of wind and the faint hum of distant cars surrounding him. With this brief moment of recovery, his breathing now measured, he entered the apartment complex.

 

Jack paid a visit to his mailbox and proceeded up the stairs. At B24 he unearthed his key, opened the door, and stepped inside. The place was small but comfortably so, and showed all the signs of an unkempt keeper. Newspaper pages lay scattered on the table, faint gray smudges coated the edges of the windowpane and an assortment of junk had piled up on the kitchen counter.

 

Dropping his keys to the counter with a clank, he grabbed the towel hanging from the refrigerator door and began wiping the sweat from his brow. On the table sat a half-empty bottle of water, which Jack promptly guzzled, finished, and tossed aside. The spoils of another run, he thought.

[Tiana Calthye]

Thanks, Navygal.

 

Now on to the fun stuff! Artemia! Sorry I'm not being nice, you guys! It is a crit thread and obviously you posted these to get them critiqued. Rest assured my critiques aren't intended to be personally insulting.

 

I heard a cry come from the living room as I clasped my necklace around my neck. ((Personally this sentence irks me. The first half is completely unrelated to the second half. You could add more sense of stability to it by not making it as though the necklace is the cause of the screaming. "As I finished clasping my necklace around my neck, I heard a cry come from the living room." It'd be a decent story opening sentence too because it introduces the character a little as well as adds a mystery.))

 

Well, ((it was)) more like a manly groan of anguish. ((This sentence is currently a fragment and I don't think it's helping.)) Rolling my eyes, I touched up my makeup. ((She hears a scream and isn't at all... bothered by it? Doesn't care at all to know what's up? Honestly, that put me off. It may have been your choice of "verbing my noun, I verbed something" sentence inversion structure. I recommend a "I rolled my eyes, and finished touching up my makeup." instead.)). Gay men and their theatrics. ((Terribly assumptive but at least you immediately suggest that it's nothing for the reader to panic about.)) So what if he carried a gun and was part of the mob? Michael was nothing if not melodramatic at times. ((...And she wasn't worried about him screaming?))

 

I opened the door of my room just in time to hear him ranting.

 

“What do you mean she's not ready yet? The party starts in a half hour, and you know if we aren't there my mother will have a conniption!”

 

“Relax. Be glad she's coming at all.”

 

“He's right((,)) you know,” I said((,)) stepping out for Michael and Jack to see. “If he tries anything, I'm gone. I'm only going for you, not for him, ((end sentence, cut and)) and I'll leave if I have to,” I added, looking at Michael. ((Michael who looks like what? This is a good opening to introduce Michael visually if he's at all relevant.))

 

Michael smiled and took my hand, casually spinning me around, before kissing me on the cheek. ((And might I remind you, you specifically indicated he was gay. This isn't computing. It might make sense in the context of the story, but for this paragraph it's just not computing.))

“You look beautiful((,)) Sarebear. Looking like this, my idiot brother is going to wish he'd never hurt you.” ((Way off the wall here! Whose brother, how did he hurt her, why is it relevant to what's happening now? If this is the introductory page to a story, it needs more!))

 

He gestured to the door, offering his arm, and Jack stepped to my other side, offering an arm as well.

 

“And with your two devilishly handsome escorts my dear, you'll have all the girls talking too,” Jack said with a wink and smile.

 

“Oh((,)) you two...” I nodded towards the door. “Shall we((,)) then?”

 

Quite frankly, I have no sense of motive or direction for the characters. They're all very generic with nothing outside of "Michael is a melodramatic gay man" to go by. I'd like to see those things DEMONSTRATED. Michael ACT melodramatic, the narrator demonstrating more personality than "getting ready to go"... if you're going to use the first person voice, the biggest thing you have to keep in mind is a constantly present voice.

 

In first person, you're telling a story through the lense of one person, and the world is colored by how they think and feel. In order for it to work, this character must have presence, voice, and likablility. Right now... she's a generic first person narrator with no personality traits for me to really latch onto. Easy to read, but generic. I'd really have to see more to make a judgment but right now I don't feel like you're using first person to its full benefit... you're telling a third person story, just with 'I' in stead of "Serebear" as the tag.

 

You have some voice here. "Well, more like a manly groan of anguish. Rolling my eyes, I touched up my makeup. Gay men and their theatrics. So what if he carried a gun and was part of the mob? Michael was nothing if not melodramatic at times." Build on that to evolve the story. That style is what will progress a first person story. If you want more doing (Character did this, did that, this happened, etc) the story is better suited to third person.

 

First person is intimate. It's used to really color the characters based on your narrator. Make your narrator pop and the paragraph will pop.

 

As I imagine you're probably going in a 'romance with a twist' or a 'rom-com' direction you're definately heading the right way here. The mafia and a party all on the same page? Hey, I hate the romance genre but even I'd pick that up if I thought it might turn out to be funny.

Edited September 8, 2010 by Guest

[Tiana Calthye]

COEM. Quite the opposite of Artemia's... yours is almost no dialogue, and rather than letting the dialogue overpower it, you've let the descriptions overpower it.

 

Patches of warm orange colored the cloud-strewn sky as the sun sank into the horizon. ((It was a dark and stormy night, yada yada yada... this is not the most important thing to start with.)) Along the sidewalk a man of average height and average build ran with purpose, sliding in and out of darkness, passing through the lengthening shadows from the tall buildings that lined his right. ((This is more important. Invert with the first sentence. Along the sidewalk, NAME is running with purpose. The sun sinks into the horizon of a storm-strewn sky. He passes through the lenthening shadows, sliding in and out of darkness. He slows to a jog... well, do it in your voice, but you see the direction I'm taking. Character is doing this in a place that looks like this and is effecting him like this.)) The sprint slowed to a jog, and then to a walk, as he drew near a familiar building until finally he came to a stop at the building’s front door. After throwing a glance to his watch, he placed his hands on his hips and allowed his heavy breathing to overtake him. Standing with eyes closed and head raised, he inhaled, (() exhaled, ((no comma)) through the swirl of wind and the faint hum of distant cars surrounding him. With this brief moment of recovery, his breathing now measured, he entered the apartment complex.

 

Jack paid a visit to his mailbox and proceeded up the stairs. (("Jack visited his mailbox before proceeding up the stairs." The way you've structured it implies that Jack visiting his mailbox must happen before going up the stairs.)) At B24 he unearthed ((maybe not the word you want; it gives the wrong mental image.)) his key, opened the door, and stepped inside. The place was small but comfortably so, and showed all the signs of an unkempt keeper. Newspaper pages lay scattered on the table, (() faint gray smudges coated the edges of the windowpane and an assortment of junk had piled up on the kitchen counter. ((I feel this really is the best descriptive sentence you have in the lot. It describes the setting AND something about Jack. He's a man who cares about the news, doesn't care to upkeep his home, and runs. It's telling.))

 

Dropping his keys to the counter with a clank, he grabbed the towel hanging from the refrigerator door and began wiping the sweat from his brow. On the table sat a half-empty bottle of water, which Jack promptly guzzled, finished, and tossed aside. The spoils of another run, he thought. ((And finally a bit of Jack's own voice instead of narratorial clutter. Good!))

 

Now, this suffers from a case of what I'd call Tolkienism. I see it a lot. People just kind of make the assumption that with words, it's the more the merrier!

 

But you run into problems with this. Your sentences get too long and you add more words than you need to describe it. Especially for the feel I've got from Jack, you want a harder narrative.

 

"Patches of warm orange colored the cloud-strewn sky as the sun sank into the horizon."

Could be cut to "The sun set." Certainly, "The sun sank into the horizon" has more voice. You don't need both clouds and warm orange, though. The patches assume clouds already.

 

"Along the sidewalk a man of average height and average build ran with purpose, sliding in and out of darkness, passing through the lengthening shadows from the tall buildings that lined his right."

Again, more words than you need.

 

"An average man ran through the darkness, passing through the lengthening shadows." And you could sneak some of the descriptions in there from the first sentence. As I said, Jack is more important than the weather.

 

Overall, it was a well crafted few paragraphs. I've read worse in print. You bring a strong sense of visuals to life... but at the cost of sacrificing what's really important: who's Jack and what the hell is he doing? Is he just an average joe? If so, is he living in a strange world? Or are you going to drop a bombshell on him REALLY SOON? Your narrator is too cluttered for the average action story but it feels to me like a third person noir, if that makes sense. But even moreso, this voice is suited to introducing a world unlike our Earth. I can see something post-apo or zombies or something. Not really good for just action, action, action or romance or something really character driven, because the real advantage here is the way you can build up the visuals of a world and make us feel like we already know it. Take advantage of it.

 

You should write more, by the way. Great stuff.

[Andon]

Tiana: Hahaha man it didn't take long for porn to show up. You mentioned an outbreak, but unless you were being ridiculously subtle, I didn't see anything about an actual sickness. Is this your intro or just a random paragraph from before Ice starts taking lives? Who is this running girl that faces freezing!

 

Artemia: I like the fact she has a sixgun carrying, homo mafia guy for a BFF. I had a hard time following who you were talking about with the whole "I'm going for you, not for him". Was it Michael or his brother? Same as Tiana, is this the intro or a random excerpt, cause it's bugging me having no idea who Jack is. Sarebear has a good start with her voice, but needs more emphasis.

 

COEM: Great detail level. Feels kind of like having your head in a dryer, a buzzing world around you vibe. Got kind of lost in it with the longer sentences, though. Not knowing what kind of story, it may be on purpose. Which would be a cool touch. Unless you're going for the character having a mystery aura around him, add some more inner thoughts for Jack to let us know him and you'll be golden.

 

 

 

First person, retrospective. Casual dialogue approach, so grammar and sentence structure errors on purpose.

 

I don't know when it happened. Not the outbreak, everyone remembers that. Just thought it was a dirty bomb, most people did. There were a few that said the people at the impact point in St. Louis didn't have the typical radiation sickness, even saw one or two on the news. I can't remember when they stopped getting air time; somebody must have brushed them aside for more pressing coverage of the clean-up. They locked down a good portion of the city and surrounding area, but it was too much ground to cover quickly enough.

 

Some people died, some showed early stages of radiation sickness; but some, I don't really know what happened to them. Some went completely catatonic and started screaming or something when anyone was in the same room as them, creepy as hell to read about in the paper. The others though, they didn't wait to be around others to lose it. Just started screaming all the time and pounding on the walls of the isolation cells; I think they called it a kind of post traumatic stress. A lot of them got shipped off to psych wards. We didn't hear much about them.

[Tiana Calthye]

Tiana: Hahaha man it didn't take long for porn to show up. You mentioned an outbreak, but unless you were being ridiculously subtle, I didn't see anything about an actual sickness. Is this your intro or just a random paragraph from before Ice starts taking lives? Who is this running girl that faces freezing!

It was a random paragraph, so there's very little context. I was actually intending this to be paragraphs rather than longer pieces and so I picked the paragraph I most hated, that actually had some relevance (introducing a characrter). But it seems that everyone's posting longer pieces now, so... well, ignore the paragraph label!

 

Well, to yours!

 

Casual dialogue approach, so grammar and sentence structure errors on purpose.

Ahhh, style. Everyone's favorite excuse for "not proofreading". Even I've used it; I love my fragments and beginning sentences with either and or but. However! Where style can be used to excuse away strange sentence style, it doesn't excuse misused commas, semi-colons, periods, and capitalization. Not that I'm saying you have these things... just that it's not grammar errors so much as it's just stylistic structure. Do not call it errors when it is in fact not errors.

 

That said, even when taking a conversational voice (and what I will be posting next will be in a conversational voice) you want to avoid misleading readers. Chose your style wisely. In fact, I would say 'only write in a style that encourages a style filled with strange structure if you're REALLY DAMN SURE you know what you're doing."

 

Then pick what you're going to change.

 

In short: that just means I'm not going to ignore every grammar error in the piece.

 

I don’t know when it happened. Not the outbreak, everyone remembers that. Just thought it was a dirty bomb, most people did. ((Now, if you use a comma it implies "most people thought it was a dirty bomb", however, if you use a SEMICOLON it says "I just thought it was a dirty bomb because that's what most people thought." Which are you looking for? What he thinks of it, or what the general public thought? It would be more clear to write "Most people just thought it was a dirty bomb" if the former and "I just thought it was a dirty bomb; most people did" if the latter.)) There were a few that ((who)) said the people at the impact point in St. Louis didn’t have the typical radiation sickness, even saw one or two on the news. ((Your narrator saw them on the news? Again, same deal. Semicolon after sickness if that's the case, and an 'I' would make it clearer.)) I can’t remember when they stopped getting air time; somebody must have brushed them aside for more pressing coverage of the clean-up. ((I'd replace the semi-colon with a period and split them into two sentences... shorter sentences better fit your conversational voice.)) They locked down a good portion of the city and surrounding area, but it was too much ground to cover quickly enough. ((Quickly enough? I'd say "it was too much ground to quickly cover" if the speed is important.))

 

Some people died, some showed early stages of radiation sickness; ((I'd end the sentence here. Again, better fits the conversational voice.)) but some, I don’t really know what happened to them. Some went completely catatonic and started screaming or something when anyone was in the same room as them, ((I'd end the sentence here and say "Creepy as hell to read about it in the paper" for the next sentence. The shorter, briefer sentences convey that sort of conversational tone. Longer sentences with a lot of parts to them seem too complicated for something from a narrator sorta just sharing a story.)) creepy as hell to read about in the paper. The others though, they didn’t wait to be around others to lose it. Just started screaming all the time and pounding on the walls of the isolation cells; ((try an emdash instead of a semi-colon? I think you're wanting a pause here that's not a full stop. A semi-colon isn't correct because the first sentence is a fragment. A semi-colon, in this situation, is generally used to join two sentences that stand alone together (ei: not fragments) but you want to remain connected. Obviously they have plenty more uses, but for this sentence that's how it applies. If you made the first sentence "They just started screaming...etc" then it would work. But an ellipsis or an emdash could work too.)) I think they called it a kind of post traumatic stress. A lot of them got shipped off to psych wards. We didn’t hear much about them.

 

Hm. Sounds a bit like the beginning of a typical zombie story, yet it's just... people screaming? That begs for a twist on zombies.

 

Where I said for Artemia that I felt her first person voice was lacking, yours is voice all the way. I could know this guy. You're using first person well. But too much of this and your story will collapse. It needs to get to the action. This stuff better be important or it's just filler. I want this guy to be personally effected by the people who went catatonic. I want to see his life HELL.

 

Why?

 

Because I think he'd narrate it well, that's why.

 

You've set the stage well. This is a good beginning, if that's what it is. Needs a bit of tweaking for clarification in some places and to round out the voice, but overall... very nice... I'd definately be interested in seeing more. Hint hint.

 

Now I've got something more to post that I want crit on but I think I might post it seperately... it works better as a whole. Plus it's got language.

[Chosen One Ephant Mon]

Thanks for the feedback, Tiana and Andon. I know it's difficult to do with such little context but your insight is appreciated.

 

Just to provide you with a little more background, the project was actually intended as a 24 fan fiction (so yes, Jack = Jack Bauer) but one different from the show's formula of shoot-em-up, mile-a-minute thriller and instead was to be a pretty intimate psychological piece with something of a noir feel (so I am glad you sensed that). It's a bit ironic that the paragraphs I posted overshadowed the character with descriptions because almost right after I cut off the excerpt is where there is a serious perspective shift and a fair bit of the story going forward is driven by his inner monologue (so your concerns about the importance of character are not lost on me ). It does help to know where I get bogged down in the style in places so thank you for that...I am trying to cure myself of a chronic case of verbosity.

 

Is he living in a strange world? ...... But even moreso, this voice is suited to introducing a world unlike our Earth. I can see something post-apo or zombies or something.

Great detail level. Feels kind of like having your head in a dryer, a buzzing world around you vibe.

I was happy to see these comments because it let me know that something I was aiming for stylistically was actually working. Though the story wasn't zombies or an actual "other world," that slight sense of surreality is something I was trying to work throughout. Jack's arc was to have him come to question some long-held beliefs and struggle to determine what in his life was actually true and real, so painting the scenes with impressionistic swaths for a certain descriptive fluidity was to reflect the running theme of an unstable reality.

 

Or are you going to drop a bombshell on him REALLY SOON?

Yes, actually! About a paragraph later.

 

You should write more, by the way. Great stuff.

Thanks! I have about 3500 more words of this story but I abandoned it at two installments because the logistics just weren't working. Maybe I'll return to it eventually...I would have liked to work it out because I was really taken up with the "big idea."

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

Here's a little bit of something that I've been working on for my Advent of Shadows story. One thing I love doing is opening a chapter with a gigantic description of the surroundings, and since the last couple chapters have been in a steel-lined training facility, there wasn't a whole lot to expound on. So, here's this, with a big old EU reference to boot. It's still pretty rough though, so be forgiving.

 

***

 

The Room of a Thousand Fountains was an enormous chamber, surrounded by elevated walls of the same dark-colored stone as the Jedi Temple's exterior. An extensive network of long ramping catwalks, bridges, and twisting stairs, impressively wove around the festooned gardens, connecting the ground level with the countless entrances to the expansive enclosure. Bright white, vine-lined marble columns ran alongside the paved paths throughout the ground level and supported the lofty catwalks high above. Waterfalls flowed continuously all along the outer walls, while fountains trickled perpetually in the center of a lush jungle of exotic plants, green trees, and rocky pools.

 

Looking down from a railed colonnade, Krystal could practically feel the serenity enveloping her, as she savored the fresh aroma of blossoming flowers. For as long as she had been stationed on Coruscant, she had sought the Room of a Thousand Fountains as a source of calm after lightsaber exercises. Even when she was not training, the renowned room provided a worthwhile, and scenic, diversion. However, Krystal was not the only one who enjoyed frequenting it. She could see many other Jedi walking along the paths and sitting near the fountains. As a member of the Council, she had privileged access to a particular terrace, which sat higher than the rest. Though, she often wondered why it seemed she was the only one using it. Not that she was complaining.

 

***

[The Jedi Master]

I found this among some papers the other day. I'm not sure when it was written, but quite clearly the characters Coleman and Gavin are based off Wilson and House. Any feedback is appreciated.

 

-----------------------------

 

Sinatra on the box and bourbon on my lips, I wondered what I could have done differently.

 

A knock came at the door. I knew who it had to be. Only one person would be knocking on my door at midnight. More knocking came but I just poured another shot.

 

I stared silently at the assortment of pictures lying on the table before me and ignored the third wave of knocking. Can't he take a hint? After a moment I expected more knocking, but instead heard the distinct click of the door knob being unlocked.

 

Damn it. I thought. I knew I should've changed the locks.

 

The door creeped open and I looked to see him approaching me.

 

"You'd think you'd have changed the locks by now," Jacob said, "Or maybe never have given me a key to begin with."

 

"Coleman," I always called him by his last name, "I was wondering when you were going to show up. My night just wouldn't be complete if you didn't barge in here when I clearly want to be left alone."

 

"I'm worried about you, Gavin."

 

"You're always worried about me." I focused on one picture in particular.

 

He shifted the subject. "I was going to take you out for a drink, but I see I'm about four too late."

 

"Five, actually," I downed another glassful.

 

Coleman sighed. "Look, I know this is a tough time of the year for you, but you can't just not show up to work for a week. Nancy has a mind to fire you."

 

"She can bring in a temp."

 

"It's been ten years, Gavin. And you've done this every one of them."

 

"Well then you'd think she'd see a pattern by now," I retorted.

 

"I don't want o be insensitive, but you need to move on."

 

"So ten years is the cut-off point? I'm glad you're here to tell me when to stop grieving."

 

"I've been telling you since the first year," he shot back. "She would want you to move on."

 

I gave him my best stunned look. "But I have! My girlfriend just left. You didn't pass her in the hall?"

 

"You couldn't afford the whole night?"

 

"Money's a little tight. I haven't worked in a week."

 

Coleman almost said something but pre-emptively retracted it. "If you're tired of teaching, get back in the field."

 

"I've tried. There's surprisingly little available in Iraq right now."

 

"Gee, I wonder why."

 

"Come on, the war's been over for five years." I let my voice fall lower. "They've got democracy now. Fast food places on every corner, girls in bikinis washing cars. It's a great place to be."

 

He looked confused and made a weird huffing noise. "What do you want to find out there? Think your sanity is still lying out in the sand somewhere?"

 

"You would tell a depressed, widower veteran that he's insane? What's on the docket for tomorrow? Kicking puppies?"

 

"I'm serious," Coleman always had a stern expression when he was trying to be serious, but had little to back it up. "There's no reason for you to go back there. It's not safe."

 

"Relax. The only danger over there now is the local McDonald's running out of lamb-burgers."

 

Coleman rolled his eyes. "Just come to work tomorrow."

 

I shook my head. "I'm feeling a little under the weather. This stomach thing, I've no idea what's causing it." I poured some more bourbon and downed it.

 

"Have you considered talking to a person, instead of a bottle?"

 

"Talking to you makes me want to talk to more bottles. Besides, they're better listeners."

 

"Right. I guess that's important when you don't want any answers."

 

"I already have the answers."

 

"But you haven't accepted them."

 

"If you hadn't noticed, I'm accepting them right now."

 

Hands on his hips, Coleman sighed again and started for the door. Just before he exited he repeated, "Just come to work tomorrow."

 

He closed the door and locked it behind him. Alone again, I finished off my bourbon and picked up one picture. My favorite picture of her. It was so long ago. To think, I was happy when that picture was taken. I let it fall back to the table with the others and stumbled off to bed. In the Wee Small Hours was still playing as I fell asleep.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

Critique this:

 

Gather round, kids. Settle down now. And no hitting. I'm going to tell you a story about the way that Tiana Calthye's self-ordination as a god has caused people like me to proclaim that she is a card-carrying member of the Hypocrisy Club. First off, she is typical of intellectually challenged numskulls in her wild invocations to the irrational, the magic, and the fantastic to dramatize her bruta fulmina.

 

If Tiana were to use more accessible language then a larger number of people would be able to understand what she's saying. The downside for Tiana, of course, is that a larger number of people would also understand that an armed revolt against her is morally justified. However, I aver that it is not yet strategically justified. Stripping from the term "ultracentrifugation" the negative connotations it evokes, I will try to find the inner strength to challenge her slatternly assumptions about merit. Tiana's shock troops often reverse the normal process of interpretation. That is, they value the unsaid over the said, the obscure over the clear.

 

I'm convinced that Tiana will shove the nation towards quislingism within a short period of time. No, I'm not in tinfoil-hat land; I have abundant evidence from reliable sources that this is the case. For instance, Tiana has planted her supporters everywhere. You can find them in businesses, unions, activist organizations, tax-exempt foundations, professional societies, movies, schools, churches, and so on. Not only does this subversive approach enhance Tiana's ability to drag everything that is truly great into the gutter, but it also provides irrefutable evidence that if one could get a Ph.D. in Clericalism, she would be the first in line to have one.

 

What's scary is that support for Tiana's satanic asseverations is spreading like a prairie fire among sanctimonious slanderers. I don't know why that is, but I do know that by brainwashing her worshippers with animalism, Tiana makes them easy to lead, easy to program, and easy to enslave. She would sell her soul in return for the possibility of wealth and status. I mean, think about it. This brings us to the dark underside of Tiana's values, the side that's known to squeeze every last drop of blood from our overworked, overtaxed bodies. We can never return to the past. And if we are ever to move forward to the future, we have to give the needy a helping hand as opposed to an elbow in the face.

 

Never mind that Tiana expresses only the noblest intentions, singing praises to the value of community even as she enacts policies that promote a herd mentality over principled, individual thought. What's really important is that she does not appeal to most people as being the most endearing or public-minded of citizens. Maybe Tiana's image would improve somewhat if she stopped trying to abet a resurgence of unforgiving anarchism. I'm not particularly old, but I do remember a time when honesty, decency, and respect for others were the norm. Nowadays, thanks to Tiana's snarky remarks, people everywhere live in fear that inattentive dissemblers will force us to do things or take stands against our will. Even worse, many people are being prevented from knowing that the last time I told Tiana's legatees that I want to raise the quality of debate on issues surrounding Tiana's loquacious accusations they declared in response, "But Tiana's entourage is looking out for our interests." Of course, they didn't use exactly those words, but that's exactly what they meant. We can't stop Tiana overnight. It takes time, patience and experience to make a cause célèbre out of exposing Tiana's taradiddles for what they really are.

 

Tiana would like to see patriotism, honor, and personal responsibility fall into desuetude. Be patient; I won't ask you to take that on faith. Rather, I'll provide irrefragable proof that if Tiana's plan to require schoolchildren to be taught that national-security interests can and should be sidestepped whenever her personal interests are at stake is to be discouraged then the wisest course of action is to promote peace, prosperity, and quality of life, both here and abroad. Before we start down that road I ought to remind you that even when the facts don't fit, she sometimes tries to use them anyway. She still maintains, for instance, that everything she says is totally and completely true. Tiana's suggestions are becoming increasingly depraved. They have already begun to hasten the destruction of our civilization. Now fast-forward a few years to a time in which they have enabled Tiana to create a global workers plantation overseen by transnational corporations who have no more concern for the human rights of those who produce their products or services than Tiana has for her spinmeisters. If you don't want such a time to come then help me empower the oppressed to control their own lives. Help me straighten out her thinking.

 

Tiana may believe that she can lie with impunity. She may even have gotten away with telling more lies than we can count. But Tiana's actions cannot stand on their own merit. That's why they're dependent on elaborate artifices and explanatory stories to convince us that Tiana is a protective bulwark against the advancing tyranny of birdbrained porn stars.

 

Tiana says that she could do a gentler and fairer job of running the world than anyone else. That is the most despicable lie I have ever heard in my entire life. What a joyful affair it would be for her if she managed to get away with turning the trickle of fogyism into a tidal wave. She'd be laughing through her snout like a sow grinning at her little piglets. She'd be chortling at everyone's obliviousness to the fact that she commonly appoints ineffective people to important positions. She then ensures that these people stay in those positions because that makes it easy for her to help grumpy, atrabilious gadflies back up their prejudices with "scientific" proof. While Tiana's squibs may seem foolhardy, they're in agreement with Tiana's lackadaisical, foolish prophecies. One of the scornful nonentities in Tiana's employ has penned an extensive treatise whose thesis is that Tiana would never even consider seizing control of the power structure. Contrary to what that emollient hagiography asserts, if we don't remove the Tiana Calthye threat now, it will bite us in our backside before you know it.

 

It would be great if we could bring strength to our families, power to our nation, and health to our cities. Still, if we take a step, just a step, towards addressing the issue of ruffianism, then maybe we can open people's eyes (including our own) to a vision of how to upbraid Tiana for being so footling. It is grossly misleading merely to claim that some day, in the far, far future, she will realize that she is not above the law. This realization will sink in slowly but surely and will be accompanied by a comprehension of how whiney storytellers of various stripes are receptive to Tiana's insidious messages and fool easily. To top that off, Tiana has long wanted to prevent anyone from stating publicly that her threats are not restrained by any moral scruples. Why do I bring that up? Because by studying her repression of ideas in its extreme, unambiguous form one may more clearly understand why Tiana's partisans all look like Tiana, think like Tiana, act like Tiana, and incite racial hatred, just like Tiana does. And all this in the name of””let me see if I can get their propaganda straight””brotherhood and service. Ha!

 

Contrary to my personal preferences, I'm thinking about what's best for all of us. My conclusion is that what's best for all of us is for me to mention a bit about disorganized foppotees such as Tiana. You might think this is all pretty funny now, but I doubt I'll hear you laughing if, quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she is successfully able to institutionalize parasitism through systematic violence, distorted religion, and dubious science. Why does she want to base racial definitions on lineage, phrenological characteristics, skin hue, and religion? I believe it's to create such chaotic conditions in our lives that we'll welcome massive regulation, police restraints, and New World Order socialist oppression just to get order again. If you don't believe me then consider that Tiana has the nerve to call those of us who reach out for things with permanence, things beyond wealth and comfort and pleasure, things that have real meaning "conspiracy theorists". No, we're "conspiracy revealers" because we reveal that Tiana's functionaries claim to have no choice but to confuse the catastrophic power of state fascism with the repression of an authoritarian government in our minds. I wish there were some way to help these miserable, ungrateful lamebrains. They are outcasts, lost in a world they didn't make and don't understand. A final word: The use of long run-on sentences, bad metaphors, multiple misspellings, and inappropriately placed $5 words like "undemonstrativeness" does not help Tiana Calthye's cause at all.