Fullmetal Alchemist - AU - NSW

[Myth Hunter]

[EDIT: To those who are reading this, there have been some edited changes made from the original postings. There may be some comments that make no sense. Sorry but think of it this way, you get the better version.]

 

 

I'm at work and BORED!!!!

 

So I'm writing.

 

Firstly, and yes I know I have the droid wanting to be human but with the wrong parts story, that is still swimming around my head, But firstly...

 

I recently have been going through Fullmetal Alchemist and wasn't too happy with the ending from the first series.

 

So in typical FF fashion, I'm writing my own version.

 

I am writing this sort of also thinking of those who dont know about FMA so hopefully everyone can enjoy it. Those of you who are familiar with the series will have to put up with recaps and explanation.

 

Now... where do I start??

 

______________

 

 

Blood trailed down the street behind the black cloaked culprit. His injury was slowing him down and he was finding it hard to focus on his alchemy long enough to escape the duo on his trail. Just then, a wall burst forth in the shape of a fist. The injured man called on all his strength and jumped the solid mortar. He landed hard on the other side and stumbled slightly, a glance behind him showed the two were still on his tail and closing in. The smaller one had obviously been the one who had done the recent alchemy. A transmutation circle was fading away at his feet.

 

Damn! He thought to himself. He forgot this little runt could transmute without a circle.

 

He ran off again, aiming for the crowded part of the city, hoping that he could lose his trackers there. He just had to last a little longer and he would be safe. The people in these quieter streets rushed out of his way. He must have looked terrible, bloodied and beaten, no one was willing to remain in his path. He stumbled on as pedestrians made their way to the sides to watch the unfolding event.

 

In amongst their shocked screams and trampling feet, he barely made out the heavy metallic footsteps gaining ground behind him. He flicked a cautious glance over his shoulder as he ran-

 

in a split second he saw the armoured pursuer running at an incrediuble speed, arms flailing, legs pumping, almost as if he would fall over if he should stop moving any limbs.

 

Try as he might, he could not get away. Heavy metal plating careened into him, and the two toppled to the ground in a tangle of arms, legs and cloak.

 

Pain. All over. He couldn't move. Opening his eyes he saw now what had happened. The small alchemist had use the ground to push his friend along fast. He probably had broken several bones from the impact. The armoured man would not be much better off. Even for him such an impact would still rattle his entire body.

 

With much effort, he turned his head to see a pile of metal next to him. He strained to see as much off the mess as he could. Some of the armour had come loose and was scattered around them. The helmet had come off as well and laid in the dirt. But he still felt like it watched him cautiously, contemplating.

 

The young alchemist ran over to them and surveyed the mess.

 

"Al? You ok?" He asked.

 

From within the armour a voice rang out. "I'm okay. You might have to help get me back together though. I think I lost a few pieces."

 

And with that the armour moved. It turned looking for it's helmet and that was when the injured man saw... a shell. The armour moved on it's own accord, acting independantly of any human assistance. There was no BODY inside.

 

The armour picked up it's helmet and placed it back on it's body. Then it made sure it was securely in it's place before turning on the smaller one.

 

"You didn't have to make it so rough!" He yelled as he swung a metal fist into the jaw of the young man.

 

"He was getting away!" The other retorted. "It worked out alright, we stopped him."

 

"That isn't the problem. Other people could have been hurt. He could have been killed before we have the chance to ask him. That's what the General was trying to tell you this morning. Stop being reckless."

 

"I don't need to be told what Mustang told me. I've handled it all fine before."

 

"But brother," The armour changed it's tone, it's voice softened and it's shoulders slumped slightly. He placed his hands on the boys' shoulders. "What about me?" He asked pleadingly. THen he picked up the boy and shook him vigorously. "You could have broken my blood seal!!!"

 

Lying on the ground, blood seeping into the soil, the injured man finally understood.

 

These two boys. One a young State Alchemist, the other, his brother trapped in a suit of armour. They were the ELRIC borthers, Edward and Alphonse.

 

A smile turned into a halting, painful, laugh. What had he done to warrant the attention of the military's famous Fullmetal Alchemist?

______________

 

Ok that's it for now. I'll add more later.

 

Someone remind me I started an FMA story please?

Edited September 18, 2010 by Guest

[Tiana Calthye]

If you're using Word's grammar auto fixer, turn it off. It accidentally "fixes" some things that don't need fixing and I saw some grammar mistakes that often come from Word's grammar auto-correct being wrong.

 

I like it. I'm not really familiar with FMA but the writing was crisp, nice and raw, and the scene interesting. Random musings doesn't seem the best title because it did have a point. Fun read!

[Mathis]

I've watched some FMA, but haven't seen the beginning. You've got the characters sounding like they do in the show, though.

 

A couple small spelling mistakes, and the part where the guy saw Alfonse catching up to him was a little rough to read through. Overall, though, looking forward to seeing where you take this.

[Myth Hunter]

Yeah I know there were mistakes and all. I was writing it in between jobs coming through. I didn't have time to proof read.

 

And the part with Al catching up, that was the worst of it because I kept getting interrupted so I couldn't get a clear flow to write. So it came through very halting. I might try to re-write that bit... if I can be bothered.

 

And I called it Random Musings before I really started on a solid idea of story. I can change the title.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Interesting. I've never seen the show, but I like how you dropped us right in the action. Are the Fullmetal Alchemist guys the good guys or the bad guys? I thought they were bad at first, but at the end their conversation made me think they were good.

 

I know you didn't get to proofread, so I'll only point out one thing. It's "helmet" not "helmut".

[Myth Hunter]

haha, I remember thinking to myself H.E.L.M.E.T. but for some reason I kept throwing in a U.

 

The 2 who were chasing are the good guys. The series kind of throws you right into the action as well, and then the first few episodes help to shape the background. I liked that idea of storytelling, and for something different, I wanted to do it from the view of the perpetrator. And then spin it back around.

 

Ok quick basics.

Edward and Alphonse Elric are 2 young/mid teens. They perform alchemy (like a kind of magic but with more rules) and they tried to bring their dead mother back to life but in the process Alphonse lost his body and Edward lost his leg, in order to bring his brother back he fused Alphonse's soul to a suit of armour, sacrificing his arm in the process.

 

So now Edward has a mechanical arm and leg, and Alphonse is a walking suit of armour. They work for the State Alchemists and Edward is known as the Fullmetal Alchemist.

 

If there is any questions, or terminology you don't get, ask me and I'll explain it.

Edited August 18, 2010 by Guest

[Myth Hunter]

Double post - so ban me.

 

I'm B.A.W.

 

____________________

 

"Nice going Fullmetal." A smooth voice said from behind Edward.

 

Ed and Al both turned to find the Flame Alchemist, General Roy Mustang standing there with a squad of State Military men, resplendent in their blue uniforms, at the ready with weapons pointed at the target laying on the ground.

 

"Sorry you missed out on the fun, General. We tried to make it last as long as possible." Ed said as a smile spread across his face.

 

Mustang chuckled. "I did ask you to wait, if you remember. You don't need to do everything yourselves. You have the State Military to back you up."

 

The smile slowly melted from Edward's face. "I know. I'm just... not used to it. Me and Al do well when it's just us."

 

"You are also still young, and I would like to see that you make it to getting older. Plus I can think of a couple of times when the two of you weren't doing so well and did need help."

 

Alphonse stifled a laugh as Ed grumbled under his breath. "Yeah, thanks for the reminder."

 

The man on the ground suddenly brought their attention back to him as he shouted to them. "My Master will see your destruction!!! I am just a pawn, you have yet to face true suffering."

 

Edward looked on in confusion as a transmutation circle appeared from nowhere on the man's palm. That's impossible. You can't just conjure a circle like that. With a defiant effort, the man turned his hand palm down and lowered his hand. An image of the circle appeared beneath his body and spread to encompass his entire length.

 

As everyone looked on his body seemed to heal itself. This was strange alchemy. None had ever witnessed...

_____________

more later. work to do

Edited September 18, 2010 by Guest

[Mathis]

Good character development for Ed, Al, and Mustang. The man's outburst seemed a little out of character based on what his thought process that we got to see in the first section. Also, that last sentence... I don't like it. The last two parts need joined together.

[Myth Hunter]

LOL. Oh yeah, the last sentance. I was in the middle of a longer sentance when I got work in. It all made sense in my head, I didn't realise where I stopped writing though. Sorry.

 

And thanx.

 

Seeing as you are familiar with FMA I am relying on you to catch me out and keep me true to characters.

 

((You should see me when I'm writing emails to people during work. I will literally hit send halfway through a story or sentance.))

__________________________

 

As everyone looked on his body seemed to heal itself. This was strange alchemy. No one had ever witnessed such a major recovery using alchemy and ignoring the law of equivilent exchange.

 

Ed and Al watched on, looking for any signs that this man may have what they have been looking for.

 

The philosophers stone. ((Not the Harry Potter version, this is a darker, deadlier and more powerful one))

 

The man writhed as his body sewed itself back together.

 

ooh, home time.

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Myth Hunter - hello! I've seen your name mentioned a lot here and there, however we've never seemed to be an active participant of JN at the same time before. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stuff!

 

I've never heard of FMA before this, but the right-in-the-action introduction has been great so far, with enough hinted at that I'm not stumbling around in the dark trying to figure out, but am rather slowly growing in knowledge without having a massive braindump of information. Nice! I'm finding the story intriguing thus far. It was obvious at the en of your first post that the people to focus on (as Ami mentioned, the actual good guys) were those chasing the runner, however now it appears that he - or at least the team of people which he represents - are still an integral part of what's to come.

 

I am a little jealous of your plot bunnies which are able to flow so easily even in the midst of work emails, as my own creative juices are running dead after years of neglect. Since it sounds like you are writing for pleasure and in a steady flow at this time pre-edit, the only thing I'll point out regarding the first segment is that "its" was misused as "it's" numerous times. That, and that I agree with Mathis that what the character yelled did seem a little out of character from what we know of his thought process thus far. Maybe if they noticed him getting increasingly agitated throughout their conversation before his outburst?

 

Your recent edits added a lot more - haha, and the side comment regarding Harry Potter was great! Looking forward to seeing where this goes!

[NavyGal]

Gimpy Gimpy Gimpy! Go and read yourself some Gathering! And A New Rope. And any number of Robyn's stories! They are epically awesome even unfinished as they are.

 

Robyn I am intrigued. I don't know FMA but now I want to!

 

More please!

[Mathis]

It's ok, this time. Don't do it again!

 

I've only watched it casually, so I kind of know the characters, but not really too much of the story lines. I'll do what I can, though.

 

The fix is better, but that segment from the last post sounds a little awkward. I'll chalk it up to it being the end of your day and wait for the next installment.

[Myth Hunter]

Gimpy, wow a class of 99. you are a rarity these days. But it's nice to finally have this chance to meet you. Thankyou for reading and helping me out with my grammatical errors.

 

 

Now, where was I???

As everyone looked on his body seemed to heal itself. This was strange alchemy. No one had ever witnessed such a major recovery using alchemy and ignoring the law of equivilent exchange.

 

Ed and Al watched on, looking for any signs that this man may have what they have been looking for.

 

The philosophers stone. ((Not the Harry Potter version, this is a darker, deadlier and more powerful one))

 

The man writhed as his body sewed itself back together.

 

Oh yeah, I remember now.

 

RECAP NOTES: Ed and Al chased a guy down and injured him pretty badly. Then the State Military showed up. Then while they were chatting away the injured man somehow made a transmutation circle appear on his hand and transferred it to the ground and is now healing himself.

 

_________________________

The man writhed as his body sewed itself back together. His screams echoed through the streets.

 

Ed blinked as he thought he saw the man's appearance double somehow. It blurred slightly for a second as it looked like there were two of him on the ground. But it was only a flash and as he looked closer there was once again just the one man in agony.

 

General Mustang yelled to his troops. "See what's happening to him! Don't let him get up! Keep that man in your sights!"

 

But just as soon as it started it was finished. The circle faded away and the man was left panting heavily, and seemingly completely healed. He rolled over and gave Ed a nasty smile. Then with amazing speed he stood and ran past the troops surrounding him.

 

1st Lieutenant Hawkeye stepped from behind Mustang and fired a few rounds from her gun. Her aim was perfect, it was the basis of her reputation, but the man did not fall. In fact, it appeared as though the bullets went straight through him.

 

"W-What?" She stammered. "I hit him. I know I hit him."

 

The man stopped and laughed as the troops gathered themselves and chased after him. He opened his arms welcoming them to do their best. From the back of the crowd of troops a small, blonde, agile figure moved his way though the uniformed personnel. Clearly agitated that his target was getting way, Ed hit the front wave of men and in one leap, launched himself at the man...

 

but found himself face down in the dirt.

 

Everyone stopped and stared at the place the man had, only a second before, been standing.

 

Ed beat the ground with his fists. "I had him! I had him! He was mine!"

 

"General." Lt Hawkeye said quietly as she moved to stand next to Mustang. "What just happened? I shot him. And just now, when Ed tackled him, he just... faded. What is he?"

 

Mustang stared calmly at Alphonse trying to soothe Edward. "I don't know Lieutenant. But I know where to start looking." He turned away from the scene and ordered his men to stand down and return to headquarters. They weren't goint to catch the man this time.

 

 

****

Nearby on a rooftop, 2 men stood facing each other. One was covered in blood and clutched a wound in his stomach.

 

"Master," He pleaded. "This wound has not healed. It failed me. The Truth has failed me."

 

The other man looked across the rooftops to the military troops now leaving the streets. "The wound is too deep to be healed. And you do not have the strength to face The Truth for such wounds. You did well enough to create a projection that effective. It was enough to get you away at least. If you can, come back home. You can recieve help there for your wounds."

 

And with that, the man's image faded away leaving the slumped form of the injured man alone.

_____________

I'm not sure that explains his outburst.

 

But, tough. it's midnight and I'm heading to bed.

Edited September 18, 2010 by Guest

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Nice addition, Myth! The story is definitely fast paced thus far, and you've done a great job of continuing this scene through multiple posts without losing its energy!

 

I particularly liked the description of the man "healing" himself (aka creating a image of him in completely good health) with the transmutation circle and the blurring of his form. Little details like mentioning Lt. Hawkeye's nickname continues to help me get to know the FMA world without slowing down the action - nice job doing that!

 

I'm really curious to figure out what Truth the man is supposed to believe in and how facing it would heal him. Very interesting! I'm wondering if we'll continue to follow him as he finds his way back and/or dies, or if this is just an introduction to those he works for and we'll lose sight of him from here on out? It also intrigues me that we now see them as the bad guys, but clearly they think that they have truth and that the FMA team & Co. are those following the "Dark Lord."

 

Keep it coming! Oh - and the explanation at the end does make his outburst make more sense in terms of what he says, although I would say the pace of it still seems a little off. The man appears to be lying there dazed, hurt, and yet composed in his thoughts through all of this, as he is so quiet during the lengthy conversation between Ed and Al. Thus, it seems rather out of place that after a long period of being completely silent and composed (even in his thought process during his flight) he has such a sudden and loud outburst. Anywho, my $0.02.

 

P.S. Yeah - guess I'm an oldbie now with a starting date like that, lol.

[Myth Hunter]

Thanks Gimpy.

 

I try to keep it fast paced in keeping with the anime series. The only times they have a break is really in flashbacks, but they are well written that they have enough detail to still add crucial info to the storyline. It's one of the things that drew me to the series, the writing, the humour, and that there are no wasted characters and I hope to achieve that in this fic. Each character that gets introduced has a background and an impact on the story. And I love that. It's a real challenge.

 

Your curious wonderings are all well founded and will (in time) be answered. There are some things which FMA fans already know about but I'm twisting the story enough so that it can still be an interesting alternate story. And with the good guy/bad guy thing, that is probably more a separate influence. I love stories which twist the readers view of people, there is no black and white and people CAN be redeemed, just as a good guy can turn bad, but for reasons we sympathise with.

 

And yeah, reading back through I do agree about the sudden outburst of the guy. I could have written that a bit better. And your $0.02 is always welcome. It's how we become better writers.

 

Cheers.

[NavyGal]

Ohhh I'm liking this.

 

I saw the name Hawkeye and all I could think of was M.A.S.H. though

 

What is the "Truth"?

[Myth Hunter]

*sigh* the truth about the Truth will come to light eventually. MWAHAHAHAHA!!! Because I can hold off telling the truth about the Truth for as long as I want!!!

 

Actually, I think it gets explained soon. I gotta bring in my OC protagonist first. Spekaing of which...

[NavyGal]

Does this mean we will get more today? *looks hopeful*

[Myth Hunter]

Maybe...

 

_________________

 

Edward slammed his fist down on the desktop making everyone in the room jump.

 

"We had him. He was on the ground!"

 

"Edward!" Mustang barked sharply. "This is not the time for it. We all saw the same thing."

 

Alphonse, standing behind Edward, turned to Mustang. "What did we see, General? He must have used a Philosopher's Stone to heal himself, but how can it make him disappear like that? He didn't even use use a transmutation circle. That's impossible to do, isn't it?"

 

The General rested his chin on his interlaced fingers. He was concerned about this. It was something he had never come across before, to see a man heal himself like that and then...

 

"We need to look into that circle he healed himself with." Mustang decided. "He didn't draw it, and it wasn't the same as you Ed, he didn't clap his hands to make it. I'll get some people looking into that, meanwhile... Ed, Alphonse, I want you to track down this man."

 

Ed stared wide eyed. "Track him down? He disappears into nothing. How can we track a man down who can vanish into nothing when we catch him?"

 

For a few tense seconds Ed and Mustang glared at each other. A silent war battled between them.

 

But in the end, Ed backed down. With a quiet word to Al the two boys left the General's office.

 

Sitting silently in a corner, Lt Hawkeye shuffled the papers in her lap. "They have a point, Sir. What good is tracking him down if he is only going to disappear again?"

 

"I've been wondering that. Why did he not vanish while Ed and Al were chasing him before? It was only once he had been injured and caught that he healed himself and, somehow, gotten away. No. I think there is more here we don't know about. I need you to look into it. Take Falman and Breda with you."

 

"Sir." Hawkeye saluted and left the office, leaving Mustang alone.

___________________

 

It's not much, but it's leading into more.

Edited September 18, 2010 by Guest

[NavyGal]

Intrigued. I like that this general is questioning why things occurred as they did.

[Myth Hunter]

That's why he's a General.

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Nice addition. Not too much to add, since it's an in-between moment to bridge the gap between the chase and the investigation to follow up. I like Mustang's decisiveness, knowing the strengths of his people, and taking action on multiple fronts, as he should, to understand this and catch the offenders. Haha - like you sort of indicated, these are attributes which are hopefully present in every general!

 

Btw, I agree with you on the "no black or white" characters. I can take a completely evil villain at times, but I like those that surprise us...or finding a twisted good motivation behind evil or a hero who still has a lot of flaws. It's the reality of being human and in a fallen world...there's no absolute good within us on our own, and there is rarely absolutely no good to be found even within those people who are evil, even if it's just that they love their mother!

[Myth Hunter]

*sigh* another day, another day B.A.W.

 

Time to get this story rolling.

 

And thankyou to all of you who have stuck with me for this one.

 

_________________________________

 

"It was nice of Major Armstrong to do a sketch of the guy for us. Wasn't it brother?"

 

Ed held up the sketch. "Yeah, he's quite the artist." The two boys chuckled for a moment before a memory surged up making them both groan.

 

"Here, you can use this to help you find our man."

 

Major Armstrong handed Ed a piece of paper. Unfolding it he saw a perfect sketch of the man they had lost earlier that day.

 

"Wow, Major. That is really good. This will help heaps, I'm sure."

 

"Of course it will help." Armstrong said matter-of-factly. "There is no sketch yet that hasn't proved helpful." And with that he ripped his jacket and shirt off in one swift movement baring his overly muscular chest and flexing his muscles. "It's a talent that has run in the Armstrong bloodline for generations."

 

Ed slumped in his chair. "Yeah thanks, Major."

 

Roy Mustang and Lt Hawkeye walked into the office at that moment. "Major not again." The General grumbled.

 

Hawkeye, merely raised an eyebrow at the scene. Seeing Armstrong posing in front of Ed and Al. "How many shirts does he have, anyway?"

 

"An entire wing full." Roy replied.

 

The boys walked the streets of Central City asking anyone they could if they had seen a man who matched the sketch. Most people said no. But there were a few who said yes.

 

But that was usually followed by "I saw you two chasing him this morning? Lose him did you? I thought for sure you were going to get him."

 

"THIS IS HOPELESS!!" Ed whined as the sun started setting. "We've been looking for him all day and there's no sign of him."

 

The two boys sat on a set of steps that lead down into the warehouse district. Both of them feeling dejected after their fruitless search. There had been some vague sightings but no one could really be sure. And those leads faded away just like their target.

 

"Brother, we will find him." Al's slightly metallic voice sounded empty in the evening breeze. "I'm sure of it. We will start again tomorrow. We just need a good meal and some rest. Then we'll return in the morning and do better."

 

"Al, you always manage to find the positive in everything." And with that Ed stood and stretched his back. "Well, come on then. I wonder what Mrs Hughes is cooking us tonight for dinner. I'm sure it'll be something you can add to your list of things to eat when you get your body back."

 

"I'm sure of it. She cooks such lovely looking food. It's so nice of her to look after us. Even after Major Hughes... was killed."

 

"Just because we blame ourselves, doesn't mean she does-"

 

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

The darkening sky was filled with a tormented scream. The boys were immediately into defensive poses looking in every direction for any sign of attack. But after a moment, as the noise died down they realised they were in no danger. Instead, further down along hte path, towards the stack of warehouses, they could hear sobbing. Deep, painful sobbing.

 

"Come on, Al." Edward said as he ran for the source of the disturbance. Al followed close behind him, armoured feet clanging on the pathway.

 

It was not hard to find where it was coming from. One of the warehouse doors was slightly ajar and the noises from within echoed out onto the street.

 

Carefully, they peered into the gloom.

 

There, on the floor, the silhouette of a man lay on the ground. He was clearly in pain and surrounded by a reddish glowing transmutation circle.

 

Ed recognised the circle, it was the same one from the morning when the man healed himself.

 

Entering the building carefully and quietly, they approached the figure. He was still wimpering with pain but did not seem to notice them.

 

Finally, the glow died away and the man lay panting on the floor.

 

"You have come to kill me again, I see." He said as he noticed the two boys.

 

Al held his hands up in front of him. "Oh, no. We don't want to kill you. We are sorry for injuring you before but you kept running away."

 

"Dogs of the State Military." The man spat the unofficial nickname for State Alchemists. "Are you telling me the military wants me alive?"

 

"Well, actually... We want to ask you some questions for ourselves. I don't know what the military want with you, but we want to ask... about -"

 

"The Philosopher's Stone." Alphonse finished.

 

The man's eyes widened. "The stone? Why do you seek such evil power?"

 

"We want to get our bodies back. You see, when we were little, our mother died and... we tried to bring her back. But we lost her, and Al's body and my leg."

 

"You boys performed human transmutation?" The man's face showed a mix of fear and awe. Then it changed to a look of concern and the man seemed to relax. "I'm afraid I don't have a Philosopher's Stone. My people follow a different set of rules for our alchemy."

 

"Can you tell us about it?" Al said eagerly.

 

The man laughed, then suddenly winced. "I do not have the time."

 

Ed stepped closer. "But you're just lying there. You have plenty of time."

 

Shaking his head, the man lifted his shirt. His stomach was healed but large bruises lay beneath the surface of the skin. Even as they watched, the bruises seemed to darken and spread. "I can no longer heal myself. It's one of the laws. Healing only works when you are still alive. If you are too close to death, there is nothing that can be done. My internal organs were badly damaged and I am bleeding out."

 

Edward fell to his knees.

 

Al, standing behind him, somehow managed to look sad despite the armour. "We are sorry. We didn't mean to injure you so badly. Is there nothing a Doctor could do?"

 

Again the man shook his head. "No. There is nothing that can be done for me now. And please, do not feel guilty for my passing. It was my own fault. In my haste to get away from you I cut myself deeply in the side on some sharp edges."

 

For a few minutes, the three of them remained in silence. There was nothing more to say. No apologies to make. Nothing could be said to change what had been done and what was going to happen.

 

The sun finally fell beyond the land, when the man once again stirred. "I have heard stories of the Fullmetal Alchemist and his brother. But you are nothing like those tales. That you sit here with me now, in my last moments, I underestimated your character."

 

"Yeah," Ed said as he scratched his head. "I get that alot."

 

"Perhaps, if you will permit me to, may I ask a favour of you?"

 

"Sure."

 

"My name is Rykool. I am a soldier for a man who taught us alchemy. He also taught us that State Alchemists are the sludge of this world. That your alchemy perverts the natural flow of the universe."

 

"We believe in equivilent exchange. How can that be wrong?" Ed interrupted.

 

The man held his hand up, silencing Edward and then continuing. "You will find the base in a northern desert. A desert where there should be green. Nothing will grow there. There is a woman there imprisoned and tortured. If you save her, she may be able to help you. That is, if her memory is still intact. Please, take care of her."

 

"Who is she?"

 

"She is someone I once shared a cell with. I was sickened with what they have done to her. I don't know how long she has been locked up, or even if she still lives. But she deserves a better life than that. Even if you get her away from that place, she will not be free. I could not help her, I do not have enough knowledge of alchemy to break her free.

 

"Please promise me you will help her. And look after her. I no longer have the strength to heal myself. I go to face the Truth one last time and this time, he will take me."

 

Ed stared at the man. "The Truth?"

 

He knew about the Truth.

 

Even as Ed watched on, the man closed his eyes and his body relaxed. And he knew, the man, Rykool, was gone.

____________________

 

I dunno... it felt rushed. does it seemed rushed? I don't think I got Rykool right though. I know his character probably didn't flow right.

 

OK, lunchtime.

Edited September 18, 2010 by Guest

[Mathis]

Sorry I didn't comment on the last couple sections, it just seemed like it needed some more content before I could say something actually worthwhile.

 

I think you got Rykool at his best in this last section, along with his original thoughts when he was getting chased. He sees them as his enemies, but comes to realize he's been told lies by his Master. Although, there is one part where it sounds like he's a willing soldier for the Master, and another where it sounds like he was unwilling. The outburst still seems uncharacteristic, but it could have been for show with the soldiers.

 

All the rest of the characters sound good, with some solid development.

[Myth Hunter]

Thanks Mathis.

 

You know what, I might just take his outburst out and rewrite that bit. I'll repost it when it's done and you can all tell me if it fits better. This is what I get for an unproofed, unBeta'ed, on the fly project.

 

___________________

Re-written.

 

Sorry, I was really not happy with that bit.

Edited September 18, 2010 by Guest

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Nice updates, Myth! I wouldn't say it seems too fast paced, since the whole story is happening pretty quickly. Not too quick to follow, and not at an uneven tempo...if that makes sense.

 

Although I don't know the official characters, I thought you did a good job here expanding Rykool. We got a just a little better understanding of him and his alchemy beliefs, and also got to see both the FMA team and him fix misconceptions and play along the border of who's "right" versus "wrong" - as we've been talking about a bit outside of this thread.

 

And yet, even as they change misconceptions the lies which Rykool has heard from his teacher seemed to have changed his loyalty as well!

 

I really like the way that you are slowly but steadily introducing us to the cast in interesting ways that keep it from being bogged down in description.

 

One thing to note, though, is that the last sentence of your latest update was a bit confusing. If I hadn't literally *just* read the post above it I would have been lost - and the lieutenants most definitely would be lost as well. If they don't know until that moment that the target is dead, and the Elrick brothers found him, they would be completely confused by the General's next sentence that they have left even though he ordered them not to. They left to find the target despite his orders? They left after finding the target? Saying it that way adds more drama, however in real life Mustang would probably say that the target sent them off on a wild chase, and they left despite his orders not to...something like that...

 

Anywho, besides that I'm enjoying the way that this story is continuing to develop!

[Myth Hunter]

Yeah, I wrote that line, and rewrote it, and rewrote it. But for some reason I think I kept writing the same thing, that's when I knew it was time for bed.

I wouldn't say it seems too fast paced, since the whole story is happening pretty quickly. Not too quick to follow, and not at an uneven tempo...if that makes sense.

 

That's a good thing... right?

 

There are a lot of characters to introduce, some may only have the occasional appearance, But I'm trying to get them in slowly enough so that it doens't get too confusing as to who was who again. Especially when it comes to the lieutenants. As well as Rica Hawkeye, there's 4 more blokes. So I'm trying to ease them in slowly. And I hate sitting there writing about,

 

Person 1, is this type of person, remember that. He does this and that, not to be confused with...

Person 2, who is this type of person. Remmeber the difference because he does THIS stuff.

 

It really bogs down a story.

 

Loyalties can change... for the right person.

 

I might re-write that last line again when I do the next installment. I don't know how much I will get doen this weekend. I have guests staying.

 

Thanks for the input. Every little bit helps... and reminds me not to write when tired. *facepam*

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Yeah, it's a good thing.

 

Not too fast to be ridiculous or hard to follow (especially in short segments).

 

Not too slow to be boring or disjointed.

 

Not really fast --> really slow --> really fast to also be disjointed or rather jarring.

 

equals GOOD.

[Myth Hunter]

Mustang's desk was covered with a large map of the land of Amestris and it's surrounding areas. He was trying to decipher what the Elric brothers had told him about Rykool, before they left his office in search of this strange desert.

 

A place that was desert where there should be green He mused.

 

But for the last hour, he had come to nothing by staring at the map. No miracle was going to light a path for him on the paper.

 

The door to the office opened and in walked Lt Hawkeye, followed by 2nd Lt's Breda and Falman. And behind them a shy young woman clutching several books, her large eyes gazed through silver rimmed glasses.

 

"I hope you have brought me some good news." The General growled.

 

"Yes, sir." Hawkeye assured him. "Sheska here has written down everything she can remember on such research that contains possible variants of the transmutation circle the man used."

 

Sheska stepped forward and dumped the books in her arms onto the map covered desk.

 

Mustang looked from the books to Sheska to each of his Lieutenants, a look of impatient expectation on his face.

 

After a few seconds, Hawkeye stirred. "They were all written by the Regenerating Alchemist."

 

Roy Mustang frowned. "The Regenerating Alchemist?"

 

Hawkeye nodded, but it was Falman who spoke next. "He looked into using alchemy to heal. But that has proven hard and it's believed only those who have claimed to have a Philosopher's Stone have truly healed people. The Regenerating Alchemist also claimed he could conjur a transmutation circle with just his mind, but his research shows that he was unable to actually perform such a task."

 

"Conjur one with his mind." Mustang mumbled. "That would explain it better."

 

While the General lost himelf in his thoguhts, the rest of them noticed the map lying across his desk.

 

"Excuse me, General." Lt Breda said. "What are you looking for?"

 

Mustang looked down at the map and sighed. He began to tell them what Edward and Alphonse had told him. About the man Rykool and the place he spoke of hidden amid a desert.

 

"And so I'm trying to find a palce that should be green but is a desert."

 

"Oh." Sheska breathed. "They must be talking about Devil's Wasteland."

 

Breda leaned closer to the map on the desk. "Yeah, an unnatural desert where a witch is said to live. You go there, you don't return."

 

"I believe," Falman said, scrutinizing the map. "that it was here on the northern border by what the rumours have said. If the Elric's have gone there, then we have no chance of seeing them again. It's a fools journey."

 

"Then we need to get out there and help them. Don't we?" Mustang's voice was smooth and even... and deadly.

 

Sheska made a small mousey noise and started edging towards the door. "If you don't mind, I - uh - need to get back to work. Good luck." And with that she darted out the door and was gone, leaving a rather pale looking Breda and a panic stricken Falman standing before Mustang and Hawkeye.

 

"If this is where those boys have gone, then we need to be there. This is something beyond their abilities I fear."

Edited September 18, 2010 by Guest

[Mathis]

Did we skip a section where the Elrics went back and reported to the General, or was that on purpose? I was confused at first with the whole desert thing, but I was able to figure it out when I went back and read through the last section.

 

I really like the pace you're going on with storyline progression.