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A JNet Confession (rated PG-13 - language)


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"Son of a shit!" exclaimed Chosen One Ephant Mon.

 

"What's wrong, dude?" Sasori asked while dropping 21 posts in the time it took to speak that sentence.

 

"Oh, nothing man...I just noticed Travis has more posts in User Comments than I've made in the last three years."

 

"Damn, man," said Sasori. "Still, that's not that so surprising, is it? I mean, you're never around and he's posting like it's the Space Race."

 

"Yeah, I know, it's just...I don't know," COEM replied with a sigh. After a moment's thought he added, "Hey...can I tell you a secret?"

 

"Of course, brother."

 

"Well, here's the thing...yeah, I don't post much and I know I say it's because I'm busy, but really, I'm lurking all the time. I only don't post because a lot of the time I can't rally up the confidence. I see these rock stars with ungodly post counts and sometimes I feel like I don't measure up, you know?"

 

COEM paused, clearly depressed. He was silent for a few seconds before continuing.

 

"I don't know, maybe I should just stop coming to sites like this. I think I may be developing a complex or something. There are all these guys who are huge posters and it probably skews my perception of what is average. Plus, I don't know why, but I feel like it's leading me into moral degradation. So I don't have the biggest post count...that's okay, isn't it? I always try to make them count with my charm and wiles. It's not about how much you post, but how you post, right?"

 

"Hell no," said Sasori. "But short of increasing your count artificially, you can only work with what you've got. You could try to make it bigger through natural enhancement but I'm not sure if that will be effective given the kinds of results you want. So you'll probably just have to compensate for it in other ways."

 

"But how?" COEM wondered in despair. "That quality over quantity shit won't work. LAP has more posts than anyone, yet he challenged me once to find even five of his that were post inflation. And I had to give up! Dude is a f***ing factory powered by the everlasting fires of Hell. How am I supposed to compete with that? How the hell am I supposed to spread my wings?"

 

"Your species isn't fitted with wings," interjected Aryian Darkfire, surprising everybody by his presence. "Dumbo only achieved flight due to his massive oriculae."

 

Sasori saw that COEM's cyber life would forever amount to nothing but a string of lonely nights and bitter disappointments, and he took pity on him by spewing bullshit.

 

"If it makes you feel any better dude, Brendo's post count is not what it seems. They've got different units of measurement down there or something."

 

"Really?" COEM perked up, surprised and slightly comforted. "For, like, natural numbers even?"

 

"Uh...yeah man," said Sasori. "Like Canadian dollars. You can never trust that shit."

 

COEM felt a little bit better and began coming to peace with his situation. To prove to himself that he could rise above all that, he viewed the site Memberlist and sorted the users by Top Ten Posters in descending order. This proved to be a serious step backwards for his progress.

 

"Hey, Sasori," COEM began while eying the list enviously, "you know I would never go after you, but do you think there's any way I might get some of these top posters deleted? I could, I dunno, send naked pictures to admins or something? I feel like this course of action, or a situation similar to it, might get someone deleted."

 

"I don't know man, are you sure you want to do that?" Sasori cautioned. "Naked pictures? Wouldn't that expose, y'know...what you're feeling self-conscious about?"

 

"What? No!" COEM cried.

 

Sasori was confused.

 

"What the hell have we been talking about?"

Edited by Guest
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Yeah, for the record, we do NOT adhere to the metric post count system.

We don't, but them Aussies certainly do.

 

Great short, though I don't think that is quite worthy of a rated R label (unless you are adding more which I would like).

 

Thanks, man. You're right, I was trying to be safe but in looking over it against it's probably no worse than PG-13 (I just edited accordingly). I don't have any immediate plans to add more but I may if I happen to stumble upon some further inspiration.

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You had me at hello! Or, "Son of a shit!" rather. That's quite the expletive.

 

I only don't post because a lot of the time I can't rally up the confidence. I see these rock stars with ungodly post counts and sometimes I feel like I don't measure up, you know?"

 

I immediately saw where this was going, and in that moment, right there, right then, forever, I was officially "loving this story." The other day I wrote a paper that five and a half pages while my friend wrote one that was twelve. I felt the same way you feel here, because I had to remain confident in my content. His was probably chock-full of bloated quotations and double-spaced footnotes. Quantity over quality all the way.

 

"So I don't have the biggest post count...that's okay, isn't it? I always try to make them count with my charm and wiles. It's not about how much you post, but how you post, right?"

 

"Hell no," said Sasori. "But short of increasing your count artificially, you can only work with what you've got. You could try to make it bigger through natural enhancement but I'm not sure if that will be effective given the kinds of results you want. So you'll probably just have to compensate for it in other ways."

 

Pure gold. Platinum perhaps. I'm just really amused that you've taken Jnet's worst post inflators and essentially given them measuring sticks.

 

"But how?" COEM wondered in despair. "That quality over quantity shit won't work. LAP has more posts than anyone, yet he challenged me once to find even five of his that were post inflation. And I had to give up! Dude is a f***ing factory powered by the everlasting fires of Hell. How am I supposed to compete with that?

 

You can't compete with this! *Points to post count* Unless you're spraying toxic garbage all over our fair site at a bulbous headed, roided-out, BALCO-packe, ass-cream mixed with steroids, juiced-up Barry Bonds level rate of post inflation. I have to be honest, COEM. I try to be humble, especially these days, but I love seeing cameos and mentionings of myself in other people's work. You have given me great pleasure in doing such. Kudos on the whole Hell thing too.

 

Sasori saw that COEM's cyber life would forever amount to nothing but a string of lonely nights and bitter disappointments, and he took pity on him by spewing bullshit.

 

That's gold. I think it's lame as hell when people talk about their "cyber life" and their "online lives." That's one thing I used to have about RP. People would try to Instant Message me "in character." That might be the lamest thing I've ever encountered through this site.

 

This story was great. Yeah, it's awesome using this forum as the site's social commentary fire hose. I've done that many times myself, and I used to use the SIMULATION GAME for such shenanigans too. It's good to see someone else pick up the mantle. Very well done, COEM! Very well done.

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[Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.]

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This story was great. Yeah, it's awesome using this forum as the site's social commentary fire hose. I've done that many times myself, and I used to use the SIMULATION GAME for such shenanigans too. It's good to see someone else pick up the mantle. Very well done, COEM! Very well done.

 

Wow man, thanks for the detailed reply and high praise! I'm glad you got a kick out of it. I've read some of your and others' satires and always enjoyed them greatly...I am actually in the process of writing a serious (N-SW) short story but yesterday afternoon just felt like I had to blow off some steam. Plus, as I discovered when doing my Arrested Development crossover fic way back when, writing parody/satire is just more fun.

 

Travis's idea of further installments is intriguing...I seriously doubt I would be able to churn out pieces on any kind of consistent schedule, but this site provides enough material that there may be room for more "confessions" yet. Thanks for the encouragement, everybody.

 

I have to be honest, COEM. I try to be humble, especially these days, but I love seeing cameos and mentionings of myself in other people's work. You have given me great pleasure in doing such. Kudos on the whole Hell thing too.

 

No problem, dude...I would be remiss if I wrote a fic about monster post counts and didn't at least mention the title-holder.

 

I think it's lame as hell when people talk about their "cyber life" and their "online lives." That's one thing I used to have about RP. People would try to Instant Message me "in character." That might be the lamest thing I've ever encountered through this site.

 

Okay, that? Is hilarious.

 

P.S.

 

You had me at hello! Or, "Son of a shit!" rather. That's quite the expletive.

 

I was hoping I wasn't the only one who found that funny.

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Hahaha loved the way it ended

 

Nice work. I too would be interested in reading any other confession pieces you came up with.

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looking forward to tit
One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream.
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Agreed...this could certainly go serial...Love it.

 

"Your species isn't fitted with wings," interjected Aryian Darkfire, surprising everybody by his presence. "Dumbo only achieved flight due to his massive oriculae."

 

Yeah, I'm biased...but that was hilarious.

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"MEMORYYYYYY! ALLLLLL ALOOONE IN THE MOOOOOONLIIIIIGHT!"
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haha. Brilliantly done.

 

And for the record, we use metric because it makes sense. Base 10 for the win

I must heartily agree... Metric makes SO much more sense!

 

What? Did someone else post between us? I thought I saw a flicker... must've been my imagination.

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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  • 7 months later...

Chosen One Ephant Mon coughed miserably as he lay dying in his hospital bed. The nurse had called in his loved ones for one last visit but he shooed them away and went back to badgering her for the WiFi password. Suddenly his generic fatal condition seized him with a final throe, and he knew it was the end. As he slowly closed his eyes and exhaled for the last time, he regretted more than anything that he hadn't posted more on Jedi.net...

 

COEM always thought the next time he opened his eyes he'd be at the pearly gates of the Hall of Fame, but to his disappointment he awoke still in his hospital room.

 

"What gives?" he thought, confused. "Where's Anniekins? Where's hudkina? I thought I would get to see kyoo!"

 

But then it hit him that this was a good thing. It gave him a second chance at life.

 

"Yes!" COEM exclaimed joyfully. "I still have time!"

 

Beaming, he looked around for his laptop and even thought of the perfect thing to post in the ABCs of Harry Potter. He spotted it resting on the adjacent table, but when he reached for it his hand passed clear through.

 

"Shit."

 

He didn't have time to fully consider the metaphysical implications of his ghosthood, but as soon as he realized his bed shouldn't be supporting him at all he began floating up to the ceiling. From above COEM stared down at his lifeless body and lamented what a poor bastard he had been. Then, suddenly, the scene dissolved before his eyes and he found himself soaring through a rush of time and space, and his ghostly intuition told him he could visit any time and place he desired.

 

"Where would you like to go?" a booming voice asked. "Your funeral?"

 

"No," COEM replied. "There's only one place I want to go."

 

COEM closed his eyes once more, and when he opened them he was on the set of a popular daytime talk show featuring a panel of five politically and racially diverse women.

 

"I, uh, don't watch The View...just to be clear,”

Edited by Guest
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Awesome job, man! Keep up the good work!

 

 

I don't even know what to say about that. Though seeing the last post in the forum, from the site's index, definitely made me come in here to check what was up.

 

That was great. I am a huge fan of making Jnet a big part of real life, in a comedic way, for the sake of stories. As always, COEM, you managed to entertain the hell out of me. Way to go!!!

 

Start rigging those polls.

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[Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.]

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Awesome job, man! Keep up the good work!

 

You know the update was funny enough on its own, but the final lampshading user comment makes it all that much better.

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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  • 3 months later...
  • 2 months later...

 

That's about the best way I can sum this up.

 

Seriously - hilarious, COEM.

"It's always these little worlds that get you in trouble. Like Tatooine. I'm still living that one down." - Han Solo

Your barnacle has carnivorous salamanders the size of whales.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess, for he who promised is faithful." -Heb. 10:23

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