Ahdiar (original fantasy fiction)--REWORKED CH 1 11/7!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Alright, so it feels really weird to be posting this on here...

 

I've been working on this story for the past five years, and now it's finally nearing completion. Understand that this is still a rough draft, and I have much editing to go--which is where you all come in. Please feel free to critique it to death. I want your critique.

 

The beginning is the oldest and therefore most error-prone and crappily-written part, so also bear that in mind.

 

All characters, persons, locations, etc belong to me and my semi-co-author.

 

So...here we go.

 

***

 

Ahdiar

By me and my co-writer

 

Part I

Chapter 1

 

A thin, brown-haired teenager stood outside of a small stone building. The torches lining the pathway flickered and streaked as rain poured down through the pitch-black night sky, soaking quickly through the tattered rags and thin, grime-coated cloak she wore. She was tired, hungry, and frightened, but more than that; she was hopelessly lost.

 

It seemed like weeks ago that she had found herself in this awful city, but she knew it had only been a few days. At first, she had thought she was dreaming, but as the never-ceasing rain began to chafe her skin and hunger gnawed with increasing strength at her insides, she had been forced to accept the awful truth. Somehow, this was all real.

 

She had tried everything she could think of with increasing fear. She had wandered through the city, looking in vain for something familiar. That in itself was odd, for she was familiar with much of her homeland, and was well known by many of its people. Several times when she was passing dark alleys, she would hear whispers and giggles that sounded decidedly unfriendly. She had never felt so frightened and miserable in her life. All she could think of were the roaring fires and warm food at her home, the comforting presence of her father and mother, sisters and friends. Unfortunately, that only made her current state appear that much bleaker to her.

 

After two days, she had resorted to picking through garbage heaps for scraps of food. It was terrible, smelly, demeaning, and beneath her, but she knew she would die of starvation otherwise. She had tried knocking on people's doors to beg for food, but the people of this town were skittish and bitter, and she had many doors slammed in her face””if they were opened at all.

 

The third day, despair took over and pushed away even her well-built up pride. She found herself lingering on well-lighted street corners, or in the town square, begging anyone who passed by to help her. She kept on the move, for fear that those who lurked in the alleys would come after her.

 

She glanced up from her most recent spot as a woman hurried along the path. ”œMa'am, please help--”

Edited November 8, 2009 by Guest

[Tiana Calthye]

...

 

POST MORE NOW! D:

 

I really really want to know why people are treating her like she's diseased or something awful. Right now, that's hooked me. It takes chance, usually, to hook me like that and you may or may not pay up but that's what's interesting me. Honestly, I'm sure the story won't be what I'm looking for from the OMG I NEED MORE now but I at least want to read on and see if it is or isn't. I mean, there's a good chance this is just 'self insertation goes on a quest and falls in love' but there's also a chance that there might be something horribly epic lying beneath the skin of this and I WANT TO KNOW WHICH IT IS.

 

Let's see, now, crit.

 

For one thing, you can carve out some of the passive voice.

 

Several times when she was passing dark alleys, she would hear whispers and giggles that sounded decidedly unfriendly.

"Several times as she passed dark alleys, she heard whispers and giggles..."

 

After two days, she had resorted to picking through garbage heaps for scraps of food.

"After two days, she resorted to..."

 

Garbage heaps brings to mind a very specific mental image. Is that what you want?

 

She had tried knocking on people’s doors to beg for food, but the people of this town were skittish and bitter, and she had many doors slammed in her face—if they were opened at all.

"She knocked on people's doors to beg for food, but..." "and many doors were slammed in her face--if they were oppened at all."

 

But you get the point with the passive voice. Carve out unnecessary 'had's, etc, it'll make this seem more immediate.

 

Really, my big interest right now is who she is, where she came from, where this is, how she got here... and that's a good amount of questions to roll a plot forward. Just remember to ANSWER these, your opening chapter is presenting all sorts of questions (which is really good!) but if you don't pay up we'll get bored.

 

It seems kind of silly to me that she shouts at the raindrops. Is she that sort of character, or maybe she'd just think it?

 

The guy coming around the corner seems a wee bit convenient and I'd like to see more description of him as she first sees him, instead of generic 'tall man with a cloak'. Especially if he's important. Latch onto defining features and give him more character than just green eyes, brown hair and somewhat sinister. Build a picture to bring us there.

 

Could this be the reason the people were so reluctant to even look at her?

She thinks she looks sinister? Clarify.

 

My big critique now would be your beginning.

 

You're writing in third person limited. She wouldn't be describing herself. Your first paragraph describes what she looks like and the weather and this is a bad choice because EVERYTHING describes the weather and it takes the focus away from "I am starving to death, tired, and frightened, and hopelessly lost"... which ought to be the first thought, followed by "and it's raining" and "I have brown hair" shouldn't even be on the menu. I'd flop around your beginning paragraphs a bit...

 

"It seemed like weeks ago that Heather had found herself in this awful city, but she knew it had only been a few days. She was tired, hungry, frightened, but more than that, she was hopelessly lost. At first she had thought she was dreaming but as the never-ceasing rain began to chafe her skin and hunger knawed with increasing strength at her insides, she had been forced to accept the awful truth. Somehow, this was all real.

 

The torches lining the pathway flickered and streaked as rain poured down through the pitch-black night sky, soaking quickly through the tattered rags and thin, grime-coated cloak she wore, flattening her brown hair to her face.

 

She had tried everything she could think of with increasing fear..."

 

My other critique is that you don't name her in the first paragraph. Don't use 'she' first. Use her name first. If you must use 'she', keep it to third person omnipotent or third-person fly on the wall, stay out of her head, and don't name her until she introduces herself. Granted, you do wait til she names herself as Heather to use it in narrative, but you're also narrating from her point of view, which gives you no excuse to not call her by her name in the beginning.

 

All in all, not bad. I'll be waiting for more.

[Dartha Athanth]

*takes a deep breath*

 

Well, if that's your first chapter I find it way too short. Short chapters have always irritated me in books- the many breaks just halt the action. If it's like a prologue, fine.

 

A thin, brown-haired teenager stood outside of a small stone building... and thin, grime-coated cloak she wore.

Too many thins! This is your opening you should give it more oomph, more descriptive, more metaphorical, more vocabulary.. more!

 

She had tried everything she could think of with increasing fear. She had wandered through the city, looking in vain for something familiar. That in itself was odd, for she was familiar with much of her homeland, and was well known by many of its people. Several times when she was passing dark alleys, she would hear whispers and giggles that sounded decidedly unfriendly. She had never felt so frightened and miserable in her life.

I think you're going for the similar sentence structure thing there, but the last one sounds out of place if it's not immediately near the first 2. if the effect was not intended, change the sentence structure of that last one.

 

It was terrible, smelly, demeaning, and beneath her, but she knew she would die of starvation otherwise.

smelly is too mild a word... it kind of sticks out. It's something kids would say. revolting?

She kept on the move

She kept herself on the move/She kept moving.

 

+ time issue, is the 2 days after she has spent a few days in the city? Or her 2nd day in the city? I wouldn't pick garbage after 2 days.

 

What does it take to get a little help around here?”

[Amidala Skywalker]

Yay!!! Lots of wonderful critique!!!

 

*does the Jedi-Jig-of-Joy*

 

I can answer a few questions...Dartha, this isn't the whole first chapter. In fact, I didn't write it with chapters at all (I just finished putting them in), so some of my chapters are reeeeeeallly long.

 

And Tiana, I'm glad you're intruiged! I've rewritten this beginning several times and in several different ways, because I kept thinking it lacked a good hook.

 

Thanks for pointing out all that stuff, both of you!

 

I'll post more tonight.

[Ethro Brealis]

Hmmm, very interesting.

 

Sorry, but there's nothing I can add to Tiana's critique. Just keep posting- I'll be reading this.

[Tiana Calthye]

Too many thins! This is your opening you should give it more oomph, more descriptive, more metaphorical, more vocabulary.. more!

Oomph yes, description, no. The alley she's in is not necessary to the plot and therefore really a waste to describe it to death. Only waste vocabulary, and for that matter, even description on things that

 

-Advance the plot

OR

-Develop a character

OR

-Set the stage.

OR

-Present something otherwise necessary to the story.

 

If it's not important for setting, development or plotting, cut it! It's unnecessary.

 

The second thing I would stress here is that Emily is the narrator and therefore unlikely to be describing herself, so I wouldn't add too much to those beginning sentences. If anything, how she feels should be the first primary thought and where she is should be the second.

 

I don't think the beginning paragraph is good hook as it is, but more description isn't going to help it either.

 

She kept herself on the move/She kept moving.

She kept moving. Not 'she kept herself on the move', that's ridiculously awkward. I actually like 'she kept on the move' best, it gives a better sense of a feeling than 'she kept moving'.

 

smelly is too mild a word... it kind of sticks out. It's something kids would say. revolting?

I agree; Emily's age should be the deciding factor here. A 12 year old would say smelly. A 14 year old would probably say it stank. I think the biggest part of this sentence is that it's beneath her and makes me question her origins. It does seem that here and there she focuses on how things are beneath her... but it could be that it's just a bit beneath her or it could be that she's a lost princess or something.

 

+ time issue, is the 2 days after she has spent a few days in the city? Or her 2nd day in the city? I wouldn't pick garbage after 2 days.

Neither would I. I might look around for posters advertising free church potluck dinners and pick a few containers out of the trash and wash them with a hose, though. I suppose this world doesn't have some variation of a soup kitchen, though... I wonder that she's not first trying to steal, though, or eating natural things like found mushrooms, berries, etc, and then in lieu of that, picking garbage.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Thanks again guys. And hi Ethro!

 

Alright, there is more awkwardness in this section. A lot of this was written 4-5 years ago...so yeah. Keep up the awesome critique!

 

Here is the next part.

 

***

 

As Heather munched on her newly-purchased loaf of bread, a slight hope began to rise in her again. Perhaps it was only because her stomach was full again, but things didn't seem so bleak. Maybe this man wasn't as sinister as he appeared. Maybe he would actually help her.

 

Two nights later, the rain had stopped, and Heather returned to the corner where Vex had said to meet him. Her emotions were alternately optimistic, discouraged, and doubtful. She was torn between fear of his dark sinister looks and the acknowledgment that whatever else happened, he had at least paid for some food. Suddenly, she jumped when a voice rose from behind her.

 

”œI've found it.”

[Dartha Athanth]

Just a quick review:

 

catch him.

catch up with him/catch up. Unless she put her hands around him...

 

worn temper

worn has to be accompanied by an adjective i.e. her temper wore thin. but in this case, i would use frayed. um. her frayed temper finally snapping?

 

His face was full of hardness

just sounds wrong to me. um.

 

At his continued silence, her worry turned to anger. ”œFine! Don't talk to me! Just pretend I don't exist! - her moods seem to move too fast. before that, she was angry, and then in a few lines, she's worried, adn then she's angry again?

 

 

interesting bit about the missing kid... i wanna know who's doing it. muahahahha.

[Tiana Calthye]

She is such a brat. Now, I don't know if you really want her to come across as a hyper annoyance and him as totally anti-social, but at the moment I can say I don't like either of them and in a book, I'd probably flip ahead to see if she gets any more mature.

 

However, I also think he's being irrational and I think it was PROBABLY a choice you guys made to make him more 'mysterious' but...

 

Any guy who led me off out of civalization without a word as to where we were going would hit all my axe murderer/rapist buttons. And that really makes her seem like an idiot. So I think his whole 'just learn some patience' monologue really is more of a GET AWAY FROM HIM HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU AND THEY'LL NEVER FIND YOUR BODY warning than a 'ooo, look at the mysterious tough ranger SWOON' sort of feeling. I'd rather see him just 'Be patient. I'm taking you to meet with some friends.' instead of trying to manipulate her by degrading her and telling her how stupid she is.

 

If she had been paying attention, Heather would have noticed that Vex seemed tense and on edge, but she was too busy thinking about when they would get a meal.

It's from Heather's POV so if she didn't notice, she didn't notice, and she was thinking about how hungry she was.

 

When she complained about it, he shook his head, but handed her a hunk of bread and cheese out of a pouch on his belt. Normally she would have complained, but she was too hungry and tired to care.

Try avoid using two of the same word in a paragraph.

 

With those words, he turned and knocked on the door. It opened slightly, and a pale face peered out. “I’m looking for a friend,” Vex said. “My friend is fond of chess.”

Death?

 

Can you get any more descriptive than 'a pale face'? Is that all she really noticed at first? It really brings a weird mental picture out.

 

“Who is this?” a voice asked. It was coming from a tall but impossibly thin man with sunken eyes that were turned on Heather. “Vex, are you on a do-good mission again?”

Elf? Vampire?

 

Death?

 

Also, what an awkward sentence! Paragraph! "The face nodded" "A voice said"? No need to be so obscure! I have the impression there's only one guy there (the tall skinny pale one) so keep it clear that it's _that_ man talking.

 

With those words, Vex turned and knocked on the door. It opened slightly. A man with a pale face opened it slightly, peering out. "I'm looking for a friend," Vex said. "My friend is fond of chess."

 

The man behind the door nodded, and he swung open the door. Vex hurried Heather inside and shut the door behind him.

 

"Who is this?" the man asked. He was tall and impossibly thin. His sunken eyes turned on Heather. "Vex, are you on a do-good mission again?"

 

 

 

Tears of loneliness and homesickness filled her eyes, but she soon slept again.

Waahh, wahhh, wahhh. Shouldn't you be more worried about the fact that a kid was taken from this very bed than how omg emo you are? Yeah, I can't say I really like her. I'm more reading for things like the kid disappearing (that's interesting!) and the city being so callus (that's interesting!) than Heather wanting to get home (I could care less, now tell me more about this missing kid!)

 

If you do any editing of these early parts, my biggest suggestion would be for you to sit down and get totally into her mindset and then describe everything as she sees and feels and hears it, to give a more intimate connection to this place. Right now I feel too disconnected from it because you're not really taking advantage of your narrator.

 

 

worn has to be accompanied by an adjective i.e. her temper wore thin. but in this case, i would use frayed. um. her frayed temper finally snapping?

I wouldn't use frayed, it gives me a mental image of a shoelace or a cloth or something. I think it's a bad description of a temper. Temper wore thin, I like. For the sentence I'd go with

Her temper was worn thin from everything that happened over the last three days. His silence was the last straw. She snapped. "Tell me!"

I'm using snapped as a description of her temper so I cut it off the dialogue description. I think the exclamation point serves for that. Frayed would work just as well but I think you can build up a much better mental image around that sequence, too.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I love the introductory part of this story. I pass by countless homeless people each and every day, and it's utterly saddening, because I've seen folks pick through garbage, just trying to get by. It's a miserable existence, and I couldn't help but think of the poorest of the poor, perhaps in some large European metropolis. The sad truth too is that you can't help them all. I picked one homeless guy, who sits near the same church every day and I've made him my ”œexclusive homeless man,”

[Tiana Calthye]

Because you’re being bound and gagged and then sold into slavery in the morning.

Yeah, I think we're getting similar vibes here... I'm guessing it isn't the case, however. And this isn't an insult, but guessing by the writer I'm guessing it was meant to make him mysterious and like... oh, Aragorn or something. And not an axe murderer/slaver/kidnapper/john.

 

As per homeless people, our family will occasionally if they're begging near a place of eating, buy them a sandwich/meal deal/whatever. It's our rule that we won't give money, just food. Because most of the beggers in our nearest city just go out and buy booze. In retrospect it seems awfully trusting of Vex to just give her money. What if she was the front for some other guy? Why does he immediately agree to help her? (If he's not in fact, a slaver/murderer/etc) A lot of people will use kids to beg instead because kids are more 'trustworthy'.

 

For all he knows, it might not even be real. I wonder if it is.

Oooooo. Now there's a fun idea. >.>

[Amidala Skywalker]

Yeah, I think we're getting similar vibes here... I'm guessing it isn't the case, however. And this isn't an insult, but guessing by the writer I'm guessing it was meant to make him mysterious and like... oh, Aragorn or something. And not an axe murderer/slaver/kidnapper/john.

 

I'm being sterotyped! Yeah, you're right, I was aiming more for an Aragon-esque type, not a creepy axe murderer type. So I really need to back off on his creepiness. A lot. It's funny, because I was a little worried that at times he isn't creepy enough. Not that I mean to give anything away...

 

Most of you guys' questions will be answered...eventually. And not always clearly. But eventually. Particularly the question about the kidnapped boy. I know what happened to him...but it might be a while before you put together the pieces and know what actually happened. And by that point, let's face it, you'll probably have forgotten all about this boy.

 

Anyway, thank all of you guys so much for the awesome constructive criticism. Put up with my annoying or creepy characters a little while longer...the good thing about stories is that people change (and my writing gets better too! ).

 

Here's another section for you:

 

***

 

”œI must say, Vex, that I'm surprised to see you here. I didn't think anything could make you come back.”

[Amidala Skywalker]

So I fixed up my first chapter, based on all of you guys' comments. I'm going to repost it here, and then, if you guys are willing to still give me crit, I'll post a new section. Again, I really appreciate your comments!

 

This is long, because it's the last three updates now re-updated.

***

Part I

 

Chapter 1

Everywhere Heather looked, she saw dreary gray stone buildings rising up to meet a sky that was an even darker shade of gray. There wasn't an ounce of comfort to be found as she shuffled forward, head bent.

 

It seemed like weeks ago that Heather had found herself in this awful city, but she knew it had only been a few days. She was tired, hungry, and frightened, but more than that; she was hopelessly lost. At first, she had thought she was dreaming, but as the never-ceasing rain began to chafe her skin and hunger gnawed with increasing strength at her insides, she had been forced to accept the awful truth. Somehow, this was all real.

 

The torches lining the pathway flickered and streaked as rain poured down through the dreary night sky, soaking quickly through the tattered rags and grime-coated cloak she wore and flattening streaks of her brown hair to her face. She tried everything she could think of with increasing fear. She wandered through the city, looking in vain for something familiar. That in itself was odd, for she was familiar with much of her homeland, and was well known by many of its people. Several times as she passed dark alleys, she heard whispers and giggles that sounded decidedly unfriendly. She had never felt so frightened and miserable in her life. All she could think of were the roaring fires and warm food at her home, the comforting presence of her father and mother, sisters and friends. Unfortunately, that only made her current state appear that much bleaker to her.

 

Knowing that she had to get something to eat, and not finding any edible-looking plants in this bleak stone city, she forced herself to knock on people's doors to beg for food. But the people of this town were skittish and bitter, and many of the doors were slammed in her face””if they were opened at all. After four days, she resorted to picking through garbage heaps for scraps of food. It was appalling, squalid, demeaning, and beneath her, but she knew she would die of starvation otherwise.

 

The sixth day, despair took over and pushed away even her well-built up pride. She found herself lingering on well-lighted street corners, or in the town square, begging anyone who passed by to help her. She kept on the move, not feeling safe. She had no idea what gave her that feeling, but still, it made her uneasy.

 

She glanced up from her most recent spot as a woman hurried along the path. ”œMa'am, please help--”

[Dartha Athanth]

Well the last bit was certainly more attnetion grabbing and a cliffhanger. The only think that irks me now is "a thousand yards". A thousand yards is too mcuh for simple directions! like "an hour or so walking distance" sounds nearer than it does.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Thanks Dartha! I forgot I was posting this on here. I don't know if I'll post any more, although I have it if there is interest.

[Amidala Skywalker]

I locked this thread, as it's outdated. To read the most up-to-date version of this story, go here: http://jedirp.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=45198

[Amidala Skywalker]

...But if this is not the place for it, then put it where it goes (admins).