Dartha Athanth Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 (edited) Right I have a stats exam tommorow but the stupid server that loads practice quizzes is down! So.. Title: Delivery Rating: G Rated for: absolutely nothing. Comments encouraged, but meh, doesn't really matter to me cos I sent it in for class The man dismounted carefully, aware that the bundle he held in his arms, still wrapped in the slightly rough hospital-issued blanket, was liable to wake at any moment. Righting himself, he smiled faintly as he saw the tiny lips pursed in sleep, and the hands no bigger than his thumb grasp the sides of the cream-coloured cloth. She had apparently been waiting for him, for as soon as he came within sight of the dust-coated farmhouse, she was already hopping up the entrance steps, eyes darkly silhouetted against the sunset, but at the same time, alight with a joy of her own. No words needed to be exchanged. They both stopped within a pace of each other, and her breath caught in her throat as she raised her shadowed irises to meet the haunted depths of his sea-green ones. She did not know exactly what had happened, but the way he seemed to be staring at some far-off event even when he seemed to be looking in her general direction made her think that it would be better if she didn't mention anything. Awkwardly, she lowered her head as he mutely placed the baby in her arms. With one last tender caress, he gently smoothed the swaddling, and for a moment, she saw the hint of a smile in the wrinkles of his face. Then, the wrinkles hardened once more into the lines of loss, and he turned away brusquely. She turned away too, if in a somewhat slower manner, and carried the baby to the rocky outcrop where her husband ”“ who had refused to even look at the man ”“ stood, face warmed by the last rays of the day. Grudgingly, he acknowledged the presence of the new baby boy, and brought his sturdy arms around to encircle his newly-enlarged family. The man essayed a backward glance as he moved off into the lengthening shadows ”“ husband, wife, new baby boy, all gazing off into the ochre sunset, bathed in golden light ”“ a perfect picture. Knowing that he was not part of it, he lowered his head and continued walking. We were supposed to write in a 3rd person disconnected narrator. or something. Tell me what you think! Edited December 11, 2008 by Guest Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Awww....*sniffle* That was so beautiful! I didn't realize what it was about until halfway through. I love your descriptions, especially of their eyes. Very nicely done...I think it's your best thing that you've put up on the site for a long while. SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 It's actually a page and a half long on word though it looks very short here. Well yeah I usually come on Jnet with no brain space left for thinking. But this was for class, so... yeah it's of a higher quality. Thanks! I hope my teacher feels the same way too. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted December 11, 2008 Share Posted December 11, 2008 It's nice. Very melancholy. Interesting perspective, too... it was very distant, which kind of made it sad. Seperate from the characters. So yeah. It is good quality, nicely done. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted December 11, 2008 Author Share Posted December 11, 2008 Interesting perspective, too... it was very distant, which kind of made it sad. Seperate from the characters. So yeah. It is good quality, nicely done. Yeah the teacher wanted us to be extremely distant from the characters, and had us practice close ups and stuff.. I cna't remeber the technical names now htough... finals finals argh argh. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Interesting work, Dartha. Very nice. It reminded me of a friend of mine, who just gave birth to a baby girl. I was hanging out with her and her new child the other day, and it was an awesome view into the world of having children. I can honestly say that I've never read anything like this before. So, thanks for something new. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-quiet Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Not bad. I love introspective drabbles, and I think this definitely counts. I would say it's a little short, but I also think that's kind of the point. ^^; You know the closer you get to something The tougher it is to see it, And I'll Never take it for granted, Let's go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 Obi-Quiet!!!! Man, you're a face I haven't metaphorically seen in ages!! How are you doing? And, more importantly, are you going to stick around? SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-quiet Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 LOL! Hon, that's probably something you should ask in a note and not in someone's little thing here, but I really appreciate the sentiment. I plan on sticking around for a while. Probably going to stay here and post a few more stories. Been a little stuck on Star Wars lately, no clue why. Probably because of really good introspective fan fics like this. You know the closer you get to something The tougher it is to see it, And I'll Never take it for granted, Let's go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Ar-Pharazon Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 LOL! Hon, that's probably something you should ask in a note and not in someone's little thing here, but I really appreciate the sentiment. I plan on sticking around for a while. Probably going to stay here and post a few more stories. Been a little stuck on Star Wars lately, no clue why. Probably because of really good introspective fan fics like this. I'm not going to use a private message either. I'm putting you on the spot. Are you staying or not? Because you should. And because awesome people enjoy the company of other awesome people. I remember how much fun we used to have back in the day when you were basically one of three people on the site who didn't think I was a huge, demonic troller. Now only like seven people don't think that. [Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.] Member of the Four Horsemen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sasori Posted April 16, 2011 Share Posted April 16, 2011 This was a great piece. Short, but very observant of the characters in the story. Very sad for the man delivering the child (adopted kid I suppose, or some sort of dystopian future), and I enjoyed reading the observations of the narration. You said ti was supposed to be 3rd person disconnected, which in my knowledge should mean you have no idea what a character thinks or feels unless it could be observed, as if you were standing there looking at them, but you said this: made her think that it would be better if she didn't mention anything. You can't know that if disconnected, fyi. I still enjoyed it though. Resident Tech and Video Game Geek Well, crap, Sasori is correct. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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