Dartha Athanth Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Excellent start too! *coughs* stillsomepunctuationmissingmydearATS *cough* But yeah, you've got my interest. Ooo... I like how you have pics. Did you draw them yourself? Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 O.o LAP called me Priscilla. ”œCaptain Macleod? Captain Macleod? Where are you?” Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted April 8, 2009 Share Posted April 8, 2009 Ok, I know you like critique on this... soooo.... the iconic citadel had stood as a symbol to the galaxy of the protective vigilance of the Jedi Order Just noticed this from the first post - it should be "The iconic citadel had stood as a symbol of the Jedi Order's protective vigilance to the galaxy", or something less unwieldy. husband Ar-Pharazon as the only exceptions I prefer 'being the only exceptions', but that might be some residual differences between British and American English, such as the usage of 'different than' and 'different from'. Krissi, it has nothing to do with putting stock in hope. You can't put stock in hope. Lol. Latent anti-obamaness from you? she impatiently asked him vs replied calmly The second one, in my opinion, is the correct way of arranging the words. I loved the foreshadowing of how Ar-Pharazon (in the fic) is going to turn to the dark side. (Well, if he is not, then that was an unneeded chill . I love how you made Adi-Wan really pompous, haha! And you've made the scene really colourful - I can really picture it in my mind. Good job! Other than that: traditional chocolate-colored robe, she had opted for a fashionable dress, which was a favorite of her Argh argh! 'Coloured' and 'favourite' butchered in the same sentence! Argh you actually made me exercise my brain cells. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted April 9, 2009 Share Posted April 9, 2009 What is my for, then? Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 How had he kindled that flame upon his hand? How long had he been able to do so? What else can my dear husband conjure up besides fire? Ice? Lightning, perhaps? That last thought was rather frightening. To her knowledge, lightning was something invoked only by Force-users adept in the Dark Side. She did not suspect that Ar-Pharazon was drawing from the Dark Side, because she felt nothing sinister in his actions, but it was an eerie notion nonetheless. She intended to uncover this talent and teach it to her students at the academy. This was far too valuable to be stowed away as one of her husband's parlor tricks. Ar-Pharazon would surrender his secret to her. She had ways of prying it out of him. Yeah this bit. Well then this bit shouldn't be too long, or the reader will begin to think otherwise. And this draws my attention to another thing - How had he kindled that flame upon his hand? How long had he been able to do so? What else can my dear husband conjure up besides fire? Ice? Lightning, perhaps? Same tense and viewpoint please. The first two sentences might look like they are from a viewpoint somewhere between the narrator and Krissi, but the third is definitely Krissi. Anyway, I would just recommend it to be "What else could her dear husband". asdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdghajksdhfjkhasjkfghal;. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted May 8, 2009 Share Posted May 8, 2009 Yay jedi musicians! Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted July 2, 2009 Share Posted July 2, 2009 oooo it's kirlocca Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted July 3, 2009 Share Posted July 3, 2009 Lol there's only one wookiee jedi on Jnet. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 You naughty plotters. Will have a more intelligent review when my comp stops crashing. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Um. overdue crit... (just woke up from nap...) Chapter Four: The Four Horsemen Bulky golden lamps hung aflame, suspended from the lofty, vaulted ceilings. Ummmmm the just-woken up me has some issue with this... the word 'aflame' seems more like an adjective to 'hung' than to the lamp... umm. arg. Extensive corridors and arched doorways led to greater chambers still. Even the walls were sophisticatedly paneled with a dark, polished wood featuring a collection of hand-painted tapestries. Sorry... I believe tapestries are woven? If not they're paintings. /art major Higher up, a plethora of hanging banners caught Gantoris's eye. Each one signified a different star system that Hale had visited during his tenure as the lead diplomat of the Jedi Order. There were too many to count. Ummm. "There were too many to count" just seems like a lousy way to end this really descriptive passage. I mean, you did say plethora. Maybe something like Higher up, a plethora of banners hung from the ceiling, (cos it already looks like Gantoris has had his eye caught by a lot of stuff) almost covering the entirety of the golden dome. (uh, or something like that). ”œSalutations, my fellow escape artists,” Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted September 11, 2009 Share Posted September 11, 2009 *gets shot and dies* Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted September 12, 2009 Share Posted September 12, 2009 you'll have to wait till I get my brains back. again. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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