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Star Wars: Advent of Shadows - Updated 9/19/2011


Lord Ar-Pharazon

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Yeah, I was definitely seeing some parallels between Chazi and Anakin. I was wondering if Chazi's character would be exploited in the same way that Anakin's was. Guess we'll have to wait and see!

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No responses yet?!

 

I know! I was beginning to get worried.

 

Krystal is definitely my favorite character thus far. You've developed both her and Ar-Pharazon beautifully and I can't wait to see where you go with them.

 

Well done, good sir.

 

Thanks, Silas, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Your readership too, is also appreciated.

 

Yep, this was a good chapter.

 

((Honestly, I'll post comments but they're going to be like this, because I feel like I already told you everything when I betaed it))

 

Thanks, Ami. It's okay. I know you're reading it.

 

But you're like my number one fan. I was still amused when you brought it up at that breakfast. ”œWhoa someone from the internet, sitting here, just mentioned my story!”

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[Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.]

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I know this isn't much of a reply but I just wanted to say that I intend on reading this soon. I've always loved your parodies and you wield a deft pen (keyboard?), so I'm sure it's great. You've been kind enough to read and comment on my short stuff so I'd like to reciprocate (as I would with the other kind readers as well).

 

So I hope to reply again real soon, and in the meantime, just keep doing what you do, man.

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  • 2 weeks later...
uot;]Sorry it's taken so long to get to this Ben.

 

Great chapter. Chazi strikes me as a Anakin-style character, in as far as she has lots of ability and potential and her formal training is running far behind schedule.

 

No problem. I am the slowest writer ever (except for Raynuk), so I deserve the wait.

 

I SAW THAT!

 

I actually had forgotten about this story considering I left shortly following my last post... But I found it again and I love it, though I am eager to see what else you have planned for the neurotic composer Jedi that clearly has a crush on the singer

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I ate a hippo. It was delicious.

May the Forth therve you well...

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Oh you're going to love it, Raynuk. It's going to be like a "Black Swan meets Misery meets Wheel of Time meets Jnet" type of thing. Get ready.

 

That.

 

Sounds.

 

 

AWESOME.

 

Of course I'm interested in what you develop all your characters into, especially given the 'alternate reality' thing you got going on with all our RP characters. I do believe thats one of the biggest reasons we love this story.

 

It reminds me of The Gathering from years back, so epic...

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I ate a hippo. It was delicious.

May the Forth therve you well...

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I finally got to this and just finished the first two parts. I'll be honest: I don't usually have much interest in Star Wars fics and I was even a little more wary going in because I knew so much of it was going to be drawn from RP, which I know so little about, and I figured it would be a lot more rewarding for those who are in on so much of the history. However, I knew that with your name attached to it I probably wouldn't have much to worry about, and I am happy to say that I was right. I really liked what I read so far. Obviously I don't know all that's happened yet, but I loved how you shifted the perspective from character to character, and with the promise of such a large cast the story already has an epic feel to it, which is very cool. I also really enjoy your descriptions: you do a great job of painting a visual picture and I like seeing the lofty language sprinkled in when it's befitting the grandeur of the subjects, as it is here. I am sure a long-time RPer does probably something extra out of it, but you wrote in such a way that the characters were already quickly gaining their definition and I was pleased to get a feel for them despite not having that background. Whether you transferred preestablished personalities from RP or took your own liberties with the characters, they were developed in a way accessible for a newcomer, and yet with the sense you get when you read Tolkien that there is a deeper established history underlying it all, which really sucks you into the world. So that was one thing I really liked and thought you did a great job of.

 

Tiana had good tips for tightening up a few things, and I agree with some of them, but you are a good writer and I'm very intrigued by the start. It already feels like it's building to something great, and I look forward to reading more. Well done!

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  • 3 weeks later...
you could always just send it to my on facebook or something, right?

But that's boring. I want everyone to see this next part.

 

***

 

Chapter Eleven: Tread Lightly Inside the Jedi Library

 

Enormous windows, framed in polished stone and precious metals, enclosed the circular room where Lei Kim Ness sat, beneath a tall, domed ceiling, rising fifty meters above her head. The ornate floor was paved with colored slabs of marble, with the symbol of the Jedi Order emblazoned upon it. Surrounding the iconic emblem was a circular arrangement of twelve chairs for the members of the Jedi Council, though now only two were occupied. Seated directly across from Lei, was the Jedi Grandmaster, Adi-Wan Tinova. She waited for him to break the silence as she settled into her chair.

 

“It still amazes me, Lei, to think of all of the Jedi who’ve walked these halls before us. In this room, all those heroes of our Order deliberated, and discussed the wars and problems of their day. I like to think that some of their wisdom still lingers here, perhaps for us to draw from.”

 

“I’m very inspired by these chambers, Grandmaster, but I’m also inspired just being a member of this Council, especially as young as I am. Though, I must say, I appreciate this place more without all the usual noise and commotion. It has an added air of serenity. I rather like it.” She could not help but think of the arguments that often stalled Council gatherings, with Master Jidai Geki, at least, responsible for half of them.

 

Adi-Wan nodded and laughed. “Yes, there’s a lot less bickering now isn’t there? Never hesitate to look to the examples of the past. They will hardly lead us astray.” He paused, obviously fixed on the Jedi of the past, though he quickly changed his tone. “But enough about that. Let’s talk about why you’re here now, Lei. I have it on good authority that you’ve been rather shaken up lately.”

 

“I have been, Grandmaster.” Lei felt considerably nervous. She felt as though she were in trouble for something she did not do. “I’ve come across something bizarre, that I do not understand. I’m seeking your guidance on this matter.” Lei’s hands played with the ends of her azure colored hair nervously. Plus, Lei found it awkward calling Adi-Wan Grandmaster. For years, she had simply known him as Adi-Wan. Now, there was an extra level of formality.

 

“Tell me, Lei,” said Adi-Wan. “Are the responsibilities of the Jedi Council proving too much for you?”

 

“No, Adi-Wan,” she said, intentionally speaking his name and not his title. Reluctantly, that was the truth. Sitting on the Council was the utmost honor a Jedi could receive and being raised to it at her age was something only seen in stories. “I’m doing just fine with that. This matter entails something else entirely.” I guess I got away with it.

 

“Then enlighten me,” he said softly. “You’re obviously very worried about this.”

 

“I am. I don’t know what to think about this.”

 

“Take your time,” Adi-Wan replied peacefully. “I’m in no hurry.”

 

“Alright.” Lei paused for a moment, thinking of the most concise possible way for describing aloud the sensations that she was experiencing. “ I think I’m receiving visions, likely brought about by the Force, since they only appear in relation to other Jedi, and only when those Jedi are using the Force themselves. Does that make sense?”

 

“Well, Lei, yes, I suppose that makes sense, to a degree. It’s quite a claim though, seeing Force visions.” Adi-Wan looked genuinely surprised and took his time. “These Force visions, yes.” He paused again. “They only appear when someone is using the Force?”

 

“Yes,” said Lei. “Only then.”

 

Immediately, Adi-Wan seized the Force. She could feel his presence in the Force as she always could, though now she was aware in an entirely different way. She could see it.

 

“What do you see, Lei?”

 

“Directly above your head, Grandmaster, I see small, swift-moving, golden lights.” Lei did her best to describe the bizarre occurrence, but it still baffled her too. “They’re tiny; swirling around like glow bugs. In a way, it all looks like a shining crown – made of light, or a halo perhaps.”

 

“And when I let go of the Force?” he asked, as he relinquished his embrace.

 

“It all fades away, as though you’ve flipped a switch.”

 

“Then apparently I have,” he replied, obviously puzzled.

 

“Apparently,” Lei remarked, unsure of what else to say.”

 

“So, what happens with everyone else?”

 

“Similar. It seems like I always see the glowing and the halos, but with lesser or greater intensity. Yours was exuberant too and the brightest – more so than any of the others.” Lei was surprised by how intense the glow above Adi-Wan actually was.

 

“Who else have you seen?”

 

“Well, I’ve seen you now, and earlier this morning I saw Faust and Taren. His was almost as bright as yours, but not quite. Hers was a bit less than his, though hers seemed to bear a weird shape too. It looked like the Jedi Temple. I’ve seen many of younglings and other random Jedi as I’ve made my way through the temple. Younglings are much less exuberant. With them, it’s watching small sparks dance around.”

 

“An interesting contrast,” mused Adi-Wan. “Though, what you said about Taren makes sense, since I appointed her as the new Prefect of the Jedi Temple.

 

“It could be linked to their respective ranks too then,” suggested Lei. “It makes sense that younglings would possess so little while masters would possess so much.”

 

“Perhaps, Lei. It might correspond to one’s power in the Force. Maybe you’re seeing a manifestation of the midichlorians themselves, or maybe you’re just seeing what the Force wants you to see.”

 

“I suppose so,” said Lei, who was genuinely afraid of such an overwhelming mystery that had seemingly landed on top of her. “However, there’s more.”

 

“Really? Then, go on,” said Adi-Wan anxiously.

 

“This morning, I saw Raynuk Montar. He was the Jedi Knight playing the harp at your celebration. Above his head was the same, with the golden lights. But above that, I saw what looked like musical notation. I don’t know what to think. This whole thing is so strange, if not eerie, and if it’s not just those lights, now it’s specific images. I have to admit I’m surprised you’re not more skeptical about it. I’ve thrown a lot at you right now.”

 

“No, Lei. I heard what you said, and I trust you.”

 

“Thank you, Adi-Wan.”

 

“And,” he began with a pause. “I think it’s a safe assumption that the Force has given you this talent for a reason. See it as just that – a talent. Besides, you wouldn’t be the first Jedi to have a vision from the Force. You might not know the greater purpose now, but soon enough, I think it will be clearer.”

 

Lei took comfort in that. Adi-Wan was right. Other Jedi had used the Force in countless instances to see the future. Perhaps this is something like that. There was no way to know yet. “Still, it’s very overwhelming.” There was no getting around it.

 

“Well, we will consult the other Council members too.” I am sure that Faust or Ar-Pharazon may have some insight into this. Hale Akturus too. I am of the understanding that he too has seen visions of the future. Though, Lei, and I say this with great caution, there is one more thing that I believe concerns us.”

 

“Oh?” she asked. “What exactly is that?”

 

“It’s simple. You will not be leaving this room alive.”

 

Lei did not know what to think about his strange statement. “Excuse me?”

 

“I intend to kill you, Lei. As I said, you will not leave this room alive. Especially since you see these strange things. I cannot allow such a power gift fall into the wrong hands.”

 

Lei’s right hand moved toward her lightsaber. “I’m afraid I’m not quite understanding what you’re telling me.” Carefully, she grabbed at the weapon and activated it, holding a magnificent blue blade between her and the Grandmaster. Immediately, she was struck in the back of the head by a blaster.

 

***

 

“It seems our plans are irreversible now, Adi-Wan” declared Taren, who holstered the murder weapon. She was trying to hide most of her excitement from killing Lei Kim Ness. She did not want to appear to be going crazy. The murder was extreme, but necessary.

 

“Well, then we’re all in,” declared Adi-Wan. “Because as we speak, Geki and Hale are both dead. Faust will soon be joining them soon.”

 

Taren laughed, the mad cackle of a real murderer. “Tarrian is gone too. She squealed like a pig in her final few seconds. And Bishop too, is gone.”

 

“Most of our rivals on the Jedi Counsel are effectively out of the way,” said Adi-Wan, confidently, yet darker, obviously less concerned with putting on a façade. “No one will challenge the Grandmaster of the Order.”

 

“Nor his right hand gal,” she insisted.

 

Adi-Wan immediately pulled Taren off her feet and kissed her. It was a deep kiss, passionate and lustful, and long-lived. She was not very aware of anything else until he set her firmly back down on her now unsteady legs.

 

Immediately a new presence walked into the Jedi Council Chambers. “Hello, Adi-Wan. Taren. Of course, I am assuming you remember me.” Taren had no recollection of who this woman was, yet there was some sort of familiarity. Some sort of connection. The woman knew Taren’s name. That was something.

 

“You can call me Almira, the woman announced.” She revealed a blaster in her hand too. “I won’t be letting you out of these chambers alive, obviously.”

 

“No, Almira,” declared Adi-Wan, who had appeared to have put up some sort of barrier with the Force. I cannot allow you to do that. Taren’s involvement in my plan is far too important, especially at this stage in the game. So back down, or I’ll kill you myself.”

 

Suddenly, two Jedi Knights strolled into the Council Chambers. Taren recognized them both. Aira Cadan and Tiana Calthye. They were both in their young twenties, and enrolled as students on Coruscant. Tiana, while blind, appeared was be an exceptional writer. Aira, whose obsession with temperate climates, made absolutely no sense to Taren, yet carried herself with a certain sense of special inner perspective. Taren knew them to be true and loyal to the Jedi. She would use it to her advantage. “Help! Almira is attacking. She has us in some sort of Force shield.” It was a bold faced lie, but she hoped that in the brief instant necessary for reaction, the young Jedi would not really understand what was happening.

 

Immediately, Tiana lunged at Almira. Blind as a bat, but sensitive as hell in the Force, the young Jedi clawed Almira’s eyes out. “If you ever set foot in the Jedi Library, ever again, I’ll rip your husband’s eyes out too!”

 

***

 

I followed Tiana’s lead. I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on, or why, but I knew that if Jedi Master Taren was in trouble, it was my duty as a Knight of the Order to help against the strange attacker. So I jumped forward, landing near Tiana. I grabbed the hostile woman, and punched her squarely in the jaw. I watched her reel back, sore as ever, and now blind to boot. Though, it seemed wrong to attack someone, especially in the Jedi Temple.

 

Despite training and an understanding to protect my Masters, something did not entirely feel right. Clearly, events were amiss. Soon, perhaps, I would come to understand what had transpired. I wonder what it felt like when Anakin Skywalker defended Palpatine against the aggressive assaults of Mace Windu. Did he feel calm? It was likely something else. Or was it similarly? He thought he was doing good, did he not? Though, I can say, in good conscience, that I have acted under the orders of Master Taren. That does put my mind at ease, to some degree.

 

Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.

 

***

 

With her dying breath, Lei felt her very essence begin to fade away. The end was near. Though, she could see through her impaired, blurry vision that Adi-Wan and Taren were staring at some mysterious, new character in the door way. It was a bizarre woman with a blaster. Though, it was not Taren, who had attacked her.

 

With all of her strength, Lei grabbed her lightsaber, which was close to her on the floor. Seizing the Force, for the final time in her life, she used all her might to hurl her blue blade through the air.

 

Then death took her.

 

***

 

Surprised as ever, Adi-Wan saw Lei’s activated blue lightsaber soar past his face, directly at Taren’s neck. Before he could react, it was too late. The blade diffused harmlessly against the wall, while Taren’s head rolled along the floor ominously.

 

“Oh my,” muttered Adi-Wan, nearly in shock of what he was seeing. “It appears we have a conspiracy on our hands, with two witnesses, who know what has happened here today.” He eyed both Tiana and Aira, fully intending to eliminate them.

 

“Oh, I don’t think you’ll be doing that.” said a strange voice from the doorway. Adi-Wan turned and recognized the voice of a fellow member of the Jedi Council.

 

“Ar-Pharazon?” said Adi-Wan. “Aren’t you supposed to be on a ship to Merkava right now?”

 

“Well, I’m glad I procrastinated,” said Ar-Pharazon, confidently. Standing next to him was Krystal, whose blue lightsaber was already ignited. She exuded determination. “So, you’ll either back down, or we’ll take you right now.” Ar-Pharazon’s green lightsaber ignited.

 

“Oh really?” he asked. I’ve been looking for a reason to kill you, Ar-Pharazon. I gladly appreciate that you’ve finally given me one.” I’ve waited too long for this.

 

***

 

Ar-Pharazon charged forward, leaping over a sitting pillow. He spun around, and slammed his green blade directly toward Adi-Wan’s side, as hard as he could. It was met with the Grandmaster’s own green lightsaber, which ignited just in time. Flipping up and over both men, Krystal landed on Adi-Wan’s other side. To even the odds, Adi-Wan used the Force to quickly retrieve Lei’s lightsaber, pulling it into his free hand, as he now fended off Krystal on one side and Ar-Pharazon on the other, using two weapons. For several moments, he spun almost like a top, defending against the two effectively, while not allowing either combatant to get too close to him. His reputation as a superb combatant was holding true.

 

Without telling her, Ar-Pharazon quickly initiated a Force Meld, as they had done before in the training chambers. Surprised, Krystal managed to grab onto it, and maintain it. Their one prior experience with Melds had proven to be fortuitous, haven given her the experience necessary for this moment now.

 

As Ar-Pharazon could feel his wife battling the Grandmaster, he felt their closeness connect and grow stronger. Without uttering a word aloud, he immediately felt what his wife was now doing. She changed her form to Vaapad. It was perhaps the most ferocious of the saber fighting styles. Ar-Pharazon changed his form too, to match it. They both continued their assault on Adi-Wan, which seemed to be driving toward one of the walls, slowly, but surely.

 

Tiana and Aira just watched from across the room. They knew that it was not their fight. It could have been dangerous.

 

After several moments, Ar-Pharazon felt Adi-Wan begin to tire. The Force-guided coordination between Krystal and himself was providing Adi-Wan with fine challenge. Why they had never practiced fighting before in a Force Meld, was beyond Ar-Pharazon. It was incredible.

 

As Adi-Wan, jumped up, Ar-Pharazon struck. It was his opportunity. A low blow toward the torso, timed with a sweeping kick, knocked the Grandmaster off his feet. Krystal jumped up and brought her saber down on his right shoulder, severely wounding it. The two lightsabers both dropped out of Adi-Wan’s hands.

 

Seeing a moment of weakness in the Grandmaster, Ar-Pharazon strategically swung again, cutting off Adi-Wan’s right hand. He screamed in pain as he tumbled forward, fondling his newly cauterized stump

 

“And so we’ve reached the end of the Adi-Wan era,” announced Ar-Pharazon.

 

“To think,” said Krystal. “The one trusted among us the most turns out to be the greatest traitor of all.”

 

Ar-Pharazon suppressed a laugh. Years of complaining about Adi-Wan suddenly seemed validated. Though, it was not a situation to make light of. At least not yet. In time, he would write the pages of history. “You’re finished, Adi-wan. This is the end.”

 

“Is it, Ar-Pharazon?” I’m not dead. I am still very much the Grandmaster of the Order, without or without your consent.”

 

“You will be dead,” said Krystal, forcefully. “If you do not surrender.”

 

“I will never surrender!” yelled Adi-Wan, who grabbed Lei’s lightsaber and lunged forward, ready to strike at Ar-Pharazon. Before he could, a large ball of flame exploded on his face, killing him. He collapsed into a dead slump. Still connected through the Force Meld, Krystal released a fire ball from her finger tips, having felt her husband’s presence, and thus knowing exactly how to conjure such a thing.

 

Adi-Wan was finished.

 

Ar-Pharazon approached Tiana and Aira. “Well, you two. It seems you’re safe. I really can’t thank you enough for being here. Without you, who knows what could have happened? Maybe Taren would have been here to fight alongside Adi-Wan. Who knows? Almira was no fan of me either. She might have caused a real problem.” Ar-Pharazon laughed, just thinking of the meddling that that woman had caused before her timely passing. “So thanks for taking her out. Saves me the trouble. I wish there was something I could do to thank both of you. So, let me know if you ever think of something.”

 

Ar-Pharazon scooped Krystal off her feet and carried her out of the Jedi Council Chambers. As he passed through the doorway, he made a final announcement. “Now please excuse me. I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife.”

 

***

 

NEW CHARACTERS:

 

scaled.php?server=811&filename=leikimness.png&res=medium

 

Lei Kim Ness

Position: Jedi Master

Age: 26 Years

Species: Human

 

 

 

 

scaled.php?server=600&filename=almira.png&res=medium

 

Almira

Position: Jedi Knight

Age: 31 Years

Species: Human

 

 

 

 

scaled.php?server=809&filename=airacadan.png&res=medium

 

Aira Cadan

Position: Jedi Knight

Age: 24 Years

Species: Human

 

 

 

scaled.php?server=812&filename=tiana.png&res=medium

 

Tiana Calthye

Position: Jedi Knight

Age: 21 Years

Species: Human

Edited by Guest

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So shit obviously went down in this chapter. As I believe that you handle critiques quite well, I'm going to give it to you straight. I don't think that this chapter was your best. I'm not sure if this was the case, but it feels like you were powering through the plot ideas that you wanted to include in this chapter in an effort to pump out an update before your readers grew restless. I feel like your other chapters had far more description in them which lent an air of maturity to them that I think this chapter lacked. Since there was so much happening, it makes sense that you would have less description but it, and I use the word lightly, disappointed me a bit as I have always loved your vivid and colorful imagination and it didn't come through as brightly as I would have liked to see.

 

A few housekeeping items (I might have missed some because it is 5:30 a.m. here and I'm quite tired):

 

”œApparently,”

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Tiana, while blind, appeared was be an exceptional writer.

APPEARED WAS BE?! (DIES) I hope that was intentional because it's hilarious. I like the picture you chose for Tiana. It's pretty accurate.

 

Ar-Pharazon scooped Krystal off her feet and carried her out of the Jedi Council Chambers. As he passed through the doorway, he made a final announcement. ”œNow please excuse me. I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife.”

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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*dies laughing*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*revives*

 

Oh, Ben, you crack me up. Best April Fools joke I saw all day. And I loved the Aira POV. You've got her nailed!

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SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone!
There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person.
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so, ben, is this the real chapter? killed me off then? somehow, though i wonder, cuz you said "though, it was not taren,...." blah blah blah from Lei's point of view... if you have killed me off... my evil twin might resurface.

Being a Jedi Master ain't easy but someone's got to do it.

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so, ben, is this the real chapter?

 

Yeah, if this isn't the real chapter then I'm going to feel like a complete and utter jackass for spending an hour and a half trying to help you out.

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so, ben, is this the real chapter?

 

Yeah, if this isn't the real chapter then I'm going to feel like a complete and utter jackass for spending an hour and a half trying to help you out.

Many apologies to you, good sir, but it was indeed an April Fool's joke. Ben felt kinda bad about you spending all that time taking it seriously, though.

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Yeah, I'll just clarify for the record, that this last section was an April Fool's joke.

 

Sorry if any of you thought it was real. Though, I guess that is the point of such a joke. The first half of the post was meant to look real. I wrote that section several months ago, and I thought it would be cool to have Lei Kim Ness see visions through the Force. It's something very similar to a power used by one of the main characters in the Wheel of Time, and I thought I could adapt it to the Force. But, it just seemed too darn similar, and I felt like I was basically lifting the idea. So I cut it, at least in its current forum. So that first half was meant to feel real.

 

Then, everything went nuts. It was supposed to be a joke. The fact that I brought Almira in as an RP character, I thought was pretty over the top, plus Tiana's attack on her, the Aira POV, the fact that half of the cast died for no reason, and the fact that several characters who are established as good were just evil all of a sudden, made for a pretty big joke. (For those of you that don't RP, the character of Aira is uniquely written from a first person point of view in the game. Her little section here is a joke about that.) Not to mention, the final line of LAP is directly lifted from the end of the movie Clue. But I will be honest. The two people who I wanted to enjoy this section the most were Tiana and Amidala, since they've both been helpful to me with their input. So if both of them got it, I am very happy. Plus, they know this story better than most people, so they should see how jocular this section was.

 

But yeah, if you were offended or annoyed, I apologize. And I didn't beta it. So there were some grammar mistakes, and I did not bother correcting them, because I thought it was funnier that way.

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Well, I finally sat down and went through this! I've attempted to a couple of times, but was always intimidated by already having 3 pages (we all know how long it takes a page to grow!) and what appears to be a massive character list. The Library is so speckled with constant praises for it that I thought I'd better catch up once and for all, though...

 

... and I'm quite glad that I did!

 

Overall, this fic is extremely well written, LAP. Despite being unfamiliar with any of the RP characters, you have been able to uniquely characterize them to all - especially those we have seen the most of. That is high praise for a story that seems poised to jump to the proportion of "epic saga"! Outside of that first post, you have done an excellent job of introducing them slowly and clearly, making it possible to keep track of them. The pictures help a lot, as well!

 

The pace is steady and gradual, moving ponderously forward like anything with the depth, breadth, and rich history of the Jedi Order would be expected and yet already feeling as though it is gradually picking up faster and faster as darkness and light begin an intricate dance. There are already obvious conflicts already in play between the Council...not to mention the impatience and impetuousness seen in Raynuk and Chazi, who both strike me as having hints of the flaws we saw lead to Anakin's demise.

 

The writing is smooth, the descriptions detailed without being overly detailed. There are, of course, a few things which could be improved, as a few others have noticed. I think what stands out to me most are rare moments where the character seems to digress into too much unnecessary or unrelated thought, and it kind of derails the action or flow of what was happening. As an example:

 

A small crowd of Jedi Knights gave way to Krystal as soon as they saw who she was, creating a space for her to stand next to the training chamber. She smiled warmly and nodded thanks, before directing her attention to her new Padawan. Nothing else mattered, since this was effectively the first opportunity to truly appraise Chazi's skills. Despite her outward calm, Krystal possessed a heartfelt excitement. As her eyes caught her own reflection in the glass, she fondly remembered her own times inside the training cells. After a moment, she allowed the thoughts to fade and regained her focus on Chazi.

 

The last two sentences are a little distracting. The first, alone, would be fine. The second makes it seem like we are stuck with Krystal pondering something when there was so much action just a moment ago. It's a little out of place.

 

Anywho, like the others I thought your April Fool's joke HILARIOUS! I've never seen that done before - a vignette about pranks, yes, but never pulled off in a full-length fake post before. Bravo!!

 

It appears that you have set a very far-reaching goal for yourself, LAP! I imagine that this story could easily continue to grow over the next 5 years or so, with more and more storylines along for the ride. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes.

"It's always these little worlds that get you in trouble. Like Tatooine. I'm still living that one down." - Han Solo

Your barnacle has carnivorous salamanders the size of whales.

"Let us hold unswervingly to the faith we profess, for he who promised is faithful." -Heb. 10:23

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  • 2 weeks later...

I hadn't even checked the date of the post, and you really had me--up to the point where Adi-wan went nuts and Taren joined in and everyone died. Which was awesome. (Btw--fire to the face for the win.) I caught the clue reference. I sensed it was a joke because it got over the top and I remember well the crazy things you had AP do in RP. (Although the sudden death would have been an awesome plot hook--however, I like Lei and her memory too much to see her go this early.)

 

Keep up the good work!

"There is still hope."

 

KrissiKenobi25copy.jpg

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