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Star Wars: Advent of Shadows - Updated 9/19/2011


Lord Ar-Pharazon

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Chapter Four: The Four Horsemen

 

The Wookiee Jedi Master Gantoris studied the fine décor of Hale Akturus’s private apartment. Bulky golden lamps hung aflame, suspended from the lofty, vaulted ceilings. Extensive corridors and arched doorways led to greater chambers still. Even the walls were sophisticatedly paneled with a dark, polished wood featuring a collection of hand-painted tapestries. Higher up, a plethora of hanging banners caught Gantoris’s eye. Each one signified a different star system that Hale had visited during his tenure as the lead diplomat of the Jedi Order. There were too many to count.

 

The room itself was a faultless reflection of Hale Akturus, whose wizened features and trim gray beard exemplified great dignity.

 

Blazing fires from twin hearths, each situated on opposing ends of the room, provided a desirable contrast from the cold winds on the balcony above. Four gilded chairs, one larger than the others, were positioned around an unusually long table. Seated at one end of the table was Hale, obviously anxious to begin. Ar-Pharazon sat at the other end, quiet and emotionless. Lounging in his oversized chair, Gantoris glanced down at his own clear reflection in the shiny white floor, carefully listening as Hale repeated what he had told him.

 

“As I said before, old friend,” said Hale Akturus. “Our meetings are not to be spoken of publically, and even among present company, only with the utmost discretion. Do you understand?”

 

Trying to keep his voice down, Gantoris replied with a low roar, indicating compliance.

 

“Most excellent,” said Hale. “Since you and Ar-Pharazon are both present, we will begin when Jidai Geki arrives. He should be along any-”

 

“Salutations, my fellow escape artists,” announced Jidai Geki, unconcernedly interrupting Hale. As the hissing door automatically slid shut behind him, he strode into the chamber, making his way to the lengthy table which stood in the center of the room. He took his seat across from Gantoris. “The entirety of the Jedi Council congregates above, in commemoration of our new, hallowed Grandmaster.” There was obvious mockery in his voice. “Whilst you three, and now myself – for whatever reason, remain hidden here like crates of spice, stowed away, hoping to remain unseen. Certainly this smacks of conspiracy. Wouldst you agree?”

 

Smacks of conspiracy? Who says that? Gantoris thought that as oddly as Geki had phrased it, the old man was right. Something was suspicious about the circumstances surrounding this meeting.

 

“Well, quite frankly, it does smack of conspiracy when you blather on about it like that, considering we have yet to shield ourselves,” said Ar-Pharazon, who set a small comlink on the table.

 

“Ar-Pharazon is correct, my old friend,” added Hale. “You must be slipping.” He immediately reached out, forging a connection with the Force, totally immersing himself in it. Gantoris could feel it, as an aura surrounded him, and then quickly expanded throughout the room, creating a ward against unwanted listeners. Then, with a flick of Hale’s hand, the hanging lamps grew noticeably dimmer. “Now then,” said Hale. “I am glad that you have all answered my call. We have much to discuss.”

 

“What of Vladimir Faust?” said Geki. “I was under the impression that he was to be trusted. Why is he not here?”

 

“He was considered, for a time. But, it appears that our hallowed Grandmaster has chosen Faust as his second-in-command,” said Ar-Pharazon. “And thus, he is compromised.”

 

“Then it wouldst appear as such,” acquiesced Geki. “Although, I ‘m sure Faust is far from pleased – playing second fiddle to one such as Tinova.”

 

“Only time will tell,” replied Ar-Pharazon. “Now let’s proceed. Gantoris needs to understand what we’re all about.”

 

The Wookiee let out a growl of agreement.

 

“It is no secret,” said Ar-Pharazon, with a solemn pause, “that our vision of the Jedi Order differs significantly from Adi-Wan Tinova’s. So with that in mind, let me further preface our discussion with a simple request. I ask that you willingly hear us out, and seriously consider our position before making any hasty judgments.”

 

Gantoris thought the request was fair enough and agreed. This should be interesting.

 

“It is in our best interests – or those of the Jedi Order rather – that we maintain a vigilant watch over him,” said Ar-Pharazon. “We must; as we did with his predecessor, Neh Raven, whose leadership turned out less than stellar.”

 

The large grin on Geki’s face nearly split his face in two at the mention of Master Raven.

 

“The public has no idea how narrow the Council’s election was,” said Ar-Pharazon. “I would not consider a vote of six to five any sort of sweeping mandate. Know gentlemen, that we are in the minority, but not without recourse, and certainly not without right reason to maintain a close watch. Our vigilance is precisely what this meeting is about, Gantoris, and you have been invited because we’re aware that you also voted against his nomination.”

 

The Wookiee’s eyes widened with the realization. How had they known? Immediately, Gantoris’s thoughts harkened back to three nights previous, when the Masters of the Jedi Council met, to vote for their new Grandmaster. From their respective seats, they cast their votes with handheld units – manufactured by Jidai Geki. Clever. Real clever.

 

Suddenly Gantoris understood that this meeting concerned more than just keeping watch on the Grandmaster. Ar-Pharazon was right about another thing, too. It was no secret that these men dissented frequently against the Grandmaster. Gantoris’s opposition had been a secret, until – apparently – three nights ago, since Hale did invite him, presuming him a like-minded individual. While not a fan of Adi-Wan Tinova, Gantoris was sure that his reasons were different from those of the other men present, but eager to discover more, he replied to Ar-Pharazon with a blunt roar, questioning the need for the meeting’s secrecy.

 

“That is also complicated. Publically dissenting from a majority of the Council and a new Grandmaster is no easy task – at least not at the current time. We are confident though, that Adi-Wan, like his predecessor, will inevitably err, creating conditions more conducive for us.

 

“Our conditions, Ar-Pharazon? What is our situation?” said Geki.

 

“Once again; it’s complicated,” said Ar-Pharazon. “The situation with Tinova grows more complex each day.”

 

“I’m afraid that’s correct,” said Hale. “And it seems that the Force has spoken to us once again.”

 

“What? Have you had another foretelling?” said Geki.

 

“Indeed,” said Hale. “Not more than an hour ago.”

 

“It’s precisely why Hale and I summoned you both,” said Ar-Pharazon.

 

That announcement had been a surprise. Gantoris knew that Hale Akturus possessed the power to foresee future events through the Force, but had never actually discussed it with him. Most Jedi could sense disturbances and sudden movements before they would happen, but Hale’s ability was more refined, with great clarity of events far into the future.

 

“Well, carry on,” said Geki, impatiently.

 

“As we all know: through the Force, one can see many things,” said Hale. He closed his eyes and paused for a moment, before continuing. “And cutting to the point of the matter – it does not bode well.”

 

“You must tell us, Hale,” said Geki. “Spare no details.”

 

“Of course, old friend. I have seen the galaxy itself in great turmoil and strife. A great blackness will envelop it. What this blackness is, I cannot say, for it remained very unclear. It was not apparent, nor familiar to me in any way. Most striking of all is that our new Grandmaster, Adi-Wan Tinova stands at its center. Prior to tonight, I knew that Adi-Wan was involved on some level, but now I believe he may even be responsible. Around him, this strife will deal the Jedi Order a great blow.”

 

“Indeed, that is troubling,” said Geki. “What can we do to work against this? Perhaps there is time to counter it, if we act now.”

 

“No,” said Ar-Pharazon. “That is a mindset worth losing, Geki. If it’s the future, then it’s set – permanently. Those who seek to undo prophecy are fools. It’s a hard-learned lesson, but a steadfast rule. However, we are not without some options.”

 

“Options? What say you?” said Geki.

 

“Well, we must be prepared, militarily and technologically. Unless Gantoris refuses, he is in a great position to oversee the training of the Jedi Knights. Certainly conflict and strife are not new to the galaxy or the Jedi Order. Tonight we heard Montar sing about our valiant predecessors. Tacky songs, but true nonetheless. I often wonder how history will remember us. Will we be remembered for our great contributions? Will we stand against this coming darkness, this advent of shadows? As Jedi, we cannot let the galaxy face this challenge unprepared. It is our duty.”

 

“I agree entirely,” said Hale. “An inventory of our military capabilities will commence at once. In fact, Adi-Wan will probably request it anyway.”

 

“Splendid,” said Geki. “The future of our Order will be heavily entwined in nanotechnology. I promise you that, and take my word; we’ve made great strides. But, what about Adi-Wan? Wouldst it be wise to discuss these matters with him?”

 

“That’s difficult to say,” said Ar-Pharazon. “Our opposition is no secret to the rest of the Council. Imagine if we approached him, speaking of an irrefutable prophecy saying he was the cause of some massive war, and that only by having him step aside can we save the galaxy. It would be seen as highly irregular. I think we should, perhaps, wait until more unfolds.”

 

“I agree,” said Hale. “We are simply not in a position to tell Adi-Wan. At least, not yet.”

 

A small comlink sitting on the table in front of Ar-Pharazon erupted into a series of beeps.

 

“I have to be off,” said Ar-Pharazon, glaring at the device, frustrated. “The wife, more than likely.” He immediately redirected his attention to Gantoris. “But first, Master Wookiee, do we find ourselves in agreement?”

 

Gantoris replied in nodding agreement. Throughout the meeting he felt a disturbance in the Force, on some level, and he wondered if any of the others had felt it too. Regardless, this was the best way to go about investigating it. Ar-Pharazon smiled at his nod, obviously enthusiastic about what had been established.

 

“Good. We are done then,” said Ar-Pharazon, rising from his chair. “For the sake of our future meetings, when circumstances require strong secrecy, you will be known as Black Clone. Geki is Red Knight and Hale is White Shadow. I am Blue Rogue. Keep these names in mind. From this night forward, we are the Four Horsemen.”

 

Without waiting for a response, Ar-Pharazon grabbed the comlink from the table and proceeded out of Jidai Geki’s apartment.

 

***

 

NEW CHARACTER:

 

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Gantoris

Position: Jedi Master

Age: 37 Years

Species: Wookiee

Edited by Guest

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[Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.]

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Simply glorious. I love how they're very briefly making fun of Geki's speech habits.

 

I love the series of opening paragraphs to this. Wow. What an... IMPROVMENT from when you started. The pacing is perfect, it breathes nicely.

 

I find it wonderfully facinating how different characters respond to prophecies.

 

Anyway, really well done, you did a great job with this chapter.

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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  • 3 weeks later...

Excellent work, Ben. I agree with Tiana that you have improved drastically. The pacing in this section was perfect, and you described their reactions perfectly.

 

I can tell Gantoris doesn't quite know what to make of this yet...and as an outsider I can always tell that there is a possiblity of these plotters becoming the very threat they feel is coming...

 

Nice use of Black Clone for Gantoris' nickname.

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SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone!
There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person.
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All right Ben, what's the hold up? gosh! seriously though, you're doing very well, and the only reason i pop up every now and again is because of this story, but gosh darn it! i gotta have something to read!

Being a Jedi Master ain't easy but someone's got to do it.

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I'm sorry. My summer is incredibly busy, but if it's any consolation, I got a big part of the next chapter done today. Hopefully it'll be done very soon.

 

To Tarrian: Read and find out!

 

Thanks for reading, ya'll. I appreciate it very, very much. Sadly, I write very, very slow, and I know that's lame, but it's just a long process for me, among a very, very busy summer.

 

 

Soon... more to come...

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LOL, I'm liking the story Ben!

 

Keep it up, bud!

"Even if this land shall expire, thou may be able to prevent further corrosion. But even so, one day the flames will fade, and only Dark will remain. And even a legend such as thineself can do nothing to stop that."

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I sent out the latest part the other day to two readers who are checking it out. As soon as I get their feedback, it'll be here. I promise.

 

I'm glad you're interested though. Your main character, Taren, might be making an appearance a couple chapters down the road.

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  • 2 weeks later...
so, when does her evil twin come into the picture?

Eventually. I don't want to spoil anything now. Read and find out, as famed author Robert Jordan would say. Anyway, here's something new...

 

Chapter Five: Beneath the Rain

 

Krystal took one last peek at the bustling crowds outside from within the polished glass shell of the Jedi Temple’s main turbolift. Adi-Wan Tinova’s celebration was the largest gathering seen on Coruscant in decades. The multitudes stretched out as far as the eye could see, waving their colored flags and banners, as the countless speeders sailing overhead added to the picturesque panorama. Fireworks punctuated the skyline with neon colors and live music added to the ambiance. The general liveliness of the celebration made her smile. It had been a memorable evening, but after several hours of standing atop on the balcony dais, she was eager to retire for the night.

 

She exited the lift, which deposited her in the immense wing which housed the members of the Jedi Council. Heading for the apartment she shared with her husband, Krystal strode down the hallway. As she keyed the door open, she was surprised to see that no lights were left on. She entered the foyer, calling out: “Ar-Pharazon?” but received no reply. She could not feel his presence near, as she often did. There were no signs of him, nor any indication as to his whereabouts, and considering it was a celebration for Adi-Wan taking place above, Ar-Pharazon would probably be anywhere but there. “I wonder where he ran off to,” she muttered aloud. Flipping on the main lights, she noticed something on a small table near the door. It was her comlink, which was part of a set; the other belonged to her husband. He had picked them up on a whim, probably because they were expensive, difficult to use and overly elaborate. And just small enough that they were easily forgotten.

 

Krystal held the comlink in her hand. After an instant, the slender cube-shaped device lit up and whirled with energy. It hovered upwards, meeting her at eye level, before beeping in sequence and quickly slowing to a halt – an indication that it was ready to transmit a communication.

 

“Ar-Pharazon, I’ve returned home and would like to see you.” So hurry up! she added in her mind.

 

The device beeped in affirmation and whirled wildly once more, before floating back into her hand, lifeless again.

 

“Well, that’s that,” she said, setting the device back down upon the table.

 

Once in the bedroom, Krystal speedily changed out of her dress and into a white silk nightgown. Within a few short minutes, she sat cross-legged in an ornate, high-backed wooden chair, thumbing through an oversized leather-bound edition of Joren Arden’s Fundamentals of Lightsaber Combat, which lay open on her knees. She had read it cover to cover more than a dozen times, but on each occasion, she gained new insight or rediscovered an obscure detail that made cracking open the tremendous volume well worth it. Immersing herself in the descriptions and diagrams of the various forms of lightsaber combat allowed her to ignore a great deal of the noise from the festivities above.

 

After a few moments, she flipped to the section focusing on Force-aided combat. Arden stressed that the powers of the Force were essential to lightsaber combat, or else saber fighting would be reduced to a futile and overly glorified sword play. However, much to her dismay, Krystal could find nothing that discussed Force lightning or the addition of elemental conjuration into one’s fighting style. Arden’s text mentioned seemingly everything known or worth mentioning, concerning saber combat. It surprised her. Nothing of the sort was even hinted at, not by Arden or the sources he cited and drew from. Is the notion really that crazy? Surely, someone has thought about this before.

 

Apparently not.

 

She could not help but think of Ar-Pharazon summoning the tiny globe flame in his hand, as he had done earlier that evening. He had appeared completely unaffected by it, and made it look effortless. Perhaps it was. But how?

 

Before long, she found herself squirming in her seat, a victim to her own wandering imagination. Not even her favorite book could hold her attention more than a few minutes, since she could not find the information she sought. That frustrated her. It seemed like Joren Arden was supposed to know everything about such things. She realized too that the sounds of mirth and laughter were starting to leak inside, making it even more difficult to focus on anything for long. There was no reason to carelessly slog further through Arden’s text, especially amidst seemingly perpetual distractions, so she gently closed the book and set it to the side. Also, she was getting tired.

 

She shut her eyes, and envisioned nonspecific Jedi knights, dashing to and fro with ignited lightsabers, protected by encompassing shields of fire, and calling down ice upon a droideka, literally freezing it in its tracks. It was like something from a dream. And the thought of dreaming made her even more tired. With eyes still closed, her head sagged down as she drifted into a light sleep.

 

After only a few minutes, she woke up to find raindrops beading up on the small glass window across from her. Rain had begun, and was apparently picking up fast. Unexpectedly, a deafening thunderclap boomed, totally overpowering the din outside followed by a continuous tapping sound as the rain began beating against the glass panes with greater intensity. She frowned, as she imagined the choking effect it would have on Adi-Wan’s celebration. It was unfortunate to conclude such a joyful occasion on such a sour note.

 

I will go to bed, she thought, realizing that it would be more comfortable sleeping on a feather mattress than upright in a chair. Hopefully, her husband would join her at some point. Hopefully. Rising from her seat, she smoothed out her white nightgown and then drew back the canopied bed’s curtains, before lying down and stretching out across the bed.

 

***

 

“Well done, Adi-Wan. I pray to the Force that you do not lead us headfirst into catastrophe. And if you do, may you have the decency to defer to greater men,” said Ar-Pharazon bitterly, raising his wine glass in a mocking fashion. Unseen and unheard, he was perched below the base of the highest tower of the Jedi Temple, in a small balcony unbeknownst to the majority of structure’s occupants, high above the ongoing celebration. Since dark clouds obscured the moon, he remained shrouded in twilight – which was much to his liking.

 

Thunder boomed high in the distant night sky, and Ar-Pharazon promptly responded by finishing his glass, to avoid watering down a twenty-year-old Tethan import, before the rain inevitably picked up. After all, it was a celebratory libation, because now along with Jidai Geki and Hale Akturus, the Wookiee Gantoris would sit in league with him upon the Jedi Council. Such a gain would prove tremendous in potentially stifling Adi-Wan, at least partially, in the days ahead. Ar-Pharazon was eager to meet with the Wookiee again, to better discuss the current shape of the Council – perhaps without the presence of Geki, who was more often than not prone to garrulous ramblings of little consequence.

 

After a minute or two, Ar-Pharazon felt the rain begin to fall. The cloudburst did not bother him because as it intensified, the vast ocean of people far below began stemming off into all directions, which effectively brought the evening’s festivities to a sudden conclusion. Impeccable timing, he thought, ecstatically. He watched for a few moments, as the music stopped and the fireworks ceased but before long, the rain quickly became a heavy downpour.

 

He retreated back within the Jedi Temple through a vacant storage alcove and made his way towards his apartment. As part of a shortcut, he slipped through a small open-roofed garden, where he grabbed a batch of funnel flowers. They were Krystal’s favorite, so he deemed them a fitting gift. Earlier in the evening she had sent him a transmission which he had ignored because he was with Gantoris, and now he intended to make it up to her.

 

Arriving at his door, he undid his boots, since they were completely soaked. He knew that if he waltzed in and tracked water all over the floor, nothing good would come of it. He entered his apartment with his boots in hand, setting the flowers on a mantle, before making his way through the entry foyer. He peeked into the bedroom. Even if he had not known that she would be there, Ar-Pharazon would have unconsciously felt his wife’s presence, as he did at that moment. She was there, all right, and now in the dark stillness of the night, punctuated only by the rain, he could hear her sort breathing. It seemed that he had managed to dawdle long enough for her to fall asleep. I might as well just go to bed, he thought.

 

He stepped back into the lit foyer where he undid his cuffs, before unlacing his shirt. Then he heard her voice.

 

“So there you are, Ar-Pharazon. And dare I ask – where have you been tonight?” Krystal, in her white silk nightgown, stood in the bedroom doorway with her arms crossed and a firm expression on her face.

 

Quickly he thought of something to say. “Is tonight not a celebration, Krissi? I’ve been among friends, for a celebratory drink and a short discussion of tonight’s affairs. When I received your message, I left shortly after. Besides, it’s not that late now. There’s still time for some fun.”

 

Krystal looked about to laugh, but was quickly able to suppress it. “Not the sort of fun you’re hoping for. Not now, anyway,” she added icily.

 

“Now you listen to me,” he said in quick reply. “I just got soaked, because I went out of my way to pick those – for you!” He fixed his eyes on the vase of funnel-flowers that was sitting atop the mantle. It seemed to him that bringing up the gift was the safest thing to say.

 

“Funnel flowers!” she exclaimed enthusiastically. She affectionately took his arm and cooed, “Well, how can I be upset now? She disappeared for a quick moment, and darted back into the bedroom.

 

“Where are you going now?” he asked, without any chance of receiving a reply.

 

Before long, she returned, brandishing a big wool towel. She draped it over his shoulder and pulled a chair towards him, before sitting him down.

 

“You’re all wet,” she said in a tone that was chiding, yet soft.

 

“So? I’m not too worried about it.” he managed to blurt out, before his face was covered in the towel. He could feel it rubbing across his eyes and mouth, effectively muting him. Maybe that was the idea. Then she ran the towel through his hair.

 

“You had to dry off sooner or later, Ar-Pharazon.” she said soothingly as she sat down on his lap. “And besides, I don’t want to get wet.”

 

He laughed in spite of himself. Still, it felt good to be dry again, and his wife’s presence was warming. No one had this effect on him except her, and after an entire day seemingly dedicated to Adi-Wan Tinova, he needed this. Besides, what sane man wouldn’t want her on his lap? Without any hesitation, he kissed his wife, thoroughly.

 

Afterwards, she twisted around and pinned her finger against his chest, authoritatively, and made her demand. “Honey, I want you to show me what you did with the fire, earlier tonight.” She paused for a moment, with her big blue eyes locked on his face, and altered her demand. “Actually, no. I want you to teach it to me. Tomorrow. Adi-Wan declared it a planetary holiday, so we have the entire day to ourselves.”

 

“All right,” he said. “I need no further persuasion.” He was surprised she waited as long as she did. She had obviously been enamored by it.

 

“Thank you,” she said, seeming relieved, before kissing him again.

 

“If only our dear students could see us now,” said Ar-Pharazon. “To see you, their fierce instructor, tamer than a kitten.”

 

“And you, dear, profound as ever,” she said sweetly. “With that goofy look on your face while I was drying your head with the towel.” Her grin nearly cut her face in half.

 

Ar-Pharazon could not help but laugh. It was a welcome change from the morose feelings about the new Grandmaster’s inauguration. Now, upon reflection, he regretted not returning sooner to be in her company. He would have to make it up to her. Tonight. Without further delay, Ar-Pharazon scooped Krystal up in his arms and carried her into their bedroom.

Edited by Guest

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Good chapter! I like the character development, but it was well balanced with Krystal's musings on Ar-Pharazon's more...abnormal abilities. Nothing to critique. This is very well done, and, as always, I'm looking forward to more.

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SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone!
There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person.
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Good chapter! I like the character development, but it was well balanced with Krystal's musings on Ar-Pharazon's more...abnormal abilities. Nothing to critique. This is very well done, and, as always, I'm looking forward to more.

 

Thank you. That's a very nice thing to say.

 

I forgot to mention it before, but I'm glad you caught the Black Clone nickname, because it's been my hope that people would catch, and appreciate, some of the "easter egg" type RP/Jnet references that I'm planning to put in the story. Sadly, there's not a ton of readers who might catch the more subtle ones, or the ones going back a few years. Hopefully you can, or KKVC too, if he sees this.

 

And BLCKCLONE. There's no good excuse if he didn't catch it.

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Great addition to the story, Ar-Pharazon seems to be coming along as a very dimensional character making me wonder where this story will lead to with him? Will he fall to the dark side and become the now infamous Lord Ar-Pharazon? Or will he remain a Jedi on this path forever wooing and enjoying in the splendors of life?

 

I will keep reading, but I hope we get an M. Night Shyamalan twist here soon.

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Well, crap, Sasori is correct.
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Um. overdue crit... (just woke up from nap...)

 

Chapter Four: The Four Horsemen

 

Bulky golden lamps hung aflame, suspended from the lofty, vaulted ceilings.
Ummmmm the just-woken up me has some issue with this... the word 'aflame' seems more like an adjective to 'hung' than to the lamp... umm. arg.

 

Extensive corridors and arched doorways led to greater chambers still. Even the walls were sophisticatedly paneled with a dark, polished wood featuring a collection of hand-painted tapestries.

Sorry... I believe tapestries are woven? If not they're paintings. /art major

 

Higher up, a plethora of hanging banners caught Gantoris's eye. Each one signified a different star system that Hale had visited during his tenure as the lead diplomat of the Jedi Order. There were too many to count.

 

Ummm. "There were too many to count" just seems like a lousy way to end this really descriptive passage. I mean, you did say plethora. Maybe something like Higher up, a plethora of banners hung from the ceiling, (cos it already looks like Gantoris has had his eye caught by a lot of stuff) almost covering the entirety of the golden dome. (uh, or something like that).

 

”œSalutations, my fellow escape artists,”

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Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts.

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Whoa.

 

I don't even know what to say. Those are a lot of quotes with my writing inside. I'll see what ATS says about this, since my work looks all tattered up, and kinda fattered up too, pre-edit. She's my safety net, since I'll likely screw things up.

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Um. overdue crit... (just woke up from nap...)

 

Chapter Four: The Four Horsemen

 

Bulky golden lamps hung aflame, suspended from the lofty, vaulted ceilings.
Ummmmm the just-woken up me has some issue with this... the word 'aflame' seems more like an adjective to 'hung' than to the lamp... umm. arg.

 

"Aflame" is correctly placed here - it is not an adjective, but an adverb, describing how the lamps hung, which consequently describes the lamps themselves. The language is mildly archaic, but that is completely in keeping with the tone of this passage.

 

Extensive corridors and arched doorways led to greater chambers still. Even the walls were sophisticatedly paneled with a dark, polished wood featuring a collection of hand-painted tapestries.

Sorry... I believe tapestries are woven? If not they're paintings. /art major

 

On this you may be right, and it is entirely my fault for not catching it.

 

Higher up, a plethora of hanging banners caught Gantoris's eye. Each one signified a different star system that Hale had visited during his tenure as the lead diplomat of the Jedi Order. There were too many to count.

Ummm. "There were too many to count" just seems like a lousy way to end this really descriptive passage. I mean, you did say plethora. Maybe something like Higher up, a plethora of banners hung from the ceiling, (cos it already looks like Gantoris has had his eye caught by a lot of stuff) almost covering the entirety of the golden dome. (uh, or something like that).

 

I disagree. I think it is a very good tying-off to the descriptive passage. While it may not be strictly necessary with the earlier use of the word "plethora," it is by no means redundant. You can have a plethora of items and still be able to count them, though perhaps not at a single glance; but more importantly, saying it this way emphasizes the fact that we are talking about the number of star systems Hale has visited during his tenure as the lead diplomat of the Jedi order. It's a rather astonishing feat, to have visited an uncountable number of star systems in a lifetime, let alone a tenure.

 

 

 

 

Gantoris thought the request was fair enough and agreed. This should be interesting.
No tell! Show! like how he showed is interest to the other chars, like an increased intensity of his gaze or soemthign.

 

This should be interesting was meant to be part of Gantoris' thoughts and should have been italicized. In fact, it was in the original selection, if you'll just look back in the thread. This portion of the story is more or less from Gantoris' point of view, however, and he probably doesn't intentionally betray his interest - nor is he watchign himself and observing his own reactions. Therefore, it would not make sense in this case to "show" how his physical reactions express increased interest.

 

 

The Wookiee's eyes widened with the realization. How had they known? Immediately, Gantoris's thoughts harkened backto three nights previous, when the Masters of the Jedi Council met, to vote for their new Grandmaster. From their respective seats, they cast their votes with handheld units ”“ manufactured by Jidai Geki. Clever. Real clever.

 

Suddenly Gantoris understood that this meeting concerned more than just keeping watch on the Grandmaster.

I hereby ban you from knowing every single thought in a character's heaad.kinda irritating. "He thought this and he thought this, and then poof!" Only reserve this for more intellectual scenes. Long thoughts bore the reader.

 

Would you be claiming that you are not intellectual enough for this? LOLJK Again, I disagree with you. This is from Gantoris' point of view; do you think possibly Gantoris knows every thought in his own head? Gantoris' mind is here used as the vehicle for understanding what is going on in the meeting. It is very effective as a more dramatic, mysterious form of revelation, as Gantoris himself does not know the full extent of what is occurring. In essence, it is "showing, not telling." unless you can think of a physically descriptive way to portray this information?

 

 

”œOur conditions, Ar-Pharazon? What is our situation?”

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Thanks, Tiana!

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ATS sighting!

 

*Please post again we miss you*

 

MEGA-ÃœBER SECONDED That's the best idea I've heard in weeks. ATS, you're terrific. That was an excellent response.

 

Talk about the beta-reader really going to bat for ya.

 

I really try to be impartial and maintain a good attitude towards criticism, but I wasn't really sure what to think about some of Dartha's input, so I'm glad we've opened up the discussion. I really have to defer to ATS on most matters of grammar. However, I do want to weigh in.

 

As to the ”œaflame”

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[Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.]

Member of the Four Horsemen

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I'm not going into a long detailed post right now because I'm exhausted, but I will say that I much prefer thoughts and feelings of characters over narration. In fact, sometimes I do whole viggies where the whole action is told from the character's thoughts and reactions to what is going on. I think, personally, that as an author, you know all. You know what your characters are thinking. Sometimes I feel that I know too well--for example, I'll be thinking in real life "how would so-and-so react to this situation?"

 

Yeah. But that's me.

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SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone!
There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person.
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Twelve lords and ladies, from among the highest social and political echelons. . .

 

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Can you name them all?

Edited by Guest

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[Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.]

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