Star Wars: Advent of Shadows - Updated 9/19/2011

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I cretainly appreciate all the kind comments. It's awesome getting such a warm reception from many writers/Rpers whom I highly respect.

 

Argh argh! 'Coloured' and 'favourite' butchered in the same sentence!

 

Yeah, I've pretty much intended from the beginning to include the American spelling on such terms, and I'm assuming ATS agrees with that, since she never raised an issue with it. So, sorry to let you down Dartha... It's not changing. The only exception might be the world "gaol" since I just toured one from the 18th century this last week in Ireland, and now like that particular spelling.

 

Krissi, it has nothing to do with putting stock in hope. You can't put stock in hope.

Lol. Latent anti-obamaness from you?

 

It's ironic to get criticism on grammar from someone who used the uncapitalized and made-up term "obamaness" in the same post.

 

I wasn't trying to attack Obama, and if I did, I don't think I'd be so subtle about it. I'm just trying to flesh out Ar-Pharazon as someone more inclined to be logical and cold in his thinking, rather than warmer and emotional about things, which includes hope.

 

I loved the foreshadowing of how Ar-Pharazon (in the fic) is going to turn to the dark side. (Well, if he is not, then that was an unneeded chill .

 

 

Wait, Why do you think that Ar-Pharazon (in the fic) is going to turn to the dark side?

[Dartha Athanth]

How had he kindled that flame upon his hand? How long had he been able to do so? What else can my dear husband conjure up besides fire? Ice? Lightning, perhaps? That last thought was rather frightening. To her knowledge, lightning was something invoked only by Force-users adept in the Dark Side. She did not suspect that Ar-Pharazon was drawing from the Dark Side, because she felt nothing sinister in his actions, but it was an eerie notion nonetheless. She intended to uncover this talent and teach it to her students at the academy. This was far too valuable to be stowed away as one of her husband's parlor tricks. Ar-Pharazon would surrender his secret to her. She had ways of prying it out of him.

 

Yeah this bit. Well then this bit shouldn't be too long, or the reader will begin to think otherwise.

 

And this draws my attention to another thing -

 

How had he kindled that flame upon his hand? How long had he been able to do so? What else can my dear husband conjure up besides fire? Ice? Lightning, perhaps?

Same tense and viewpoint please.

 

The first two sentences might look like they are from a viewpoint somewhere between the narrator and Krissi, but the third is definitely Krissi. Anyway, I would just recommend it to be "What else could her dear husband".

 

asdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdghajksdhfjkhasjkfghal;.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

How had he kindled that flame upon his hand? How long had he been able to do so? What else can my dear husband conjure up besides fire? Ice? Lightning, perhaps? That last thought was rather frightening. To her knowledge, lightning was something invoked only by Force-users adept in the Dark Side. She did not suspect that Ar-Pharazon was drawing from the Dark Side, because she felt nothing sinister in his actions, but it was an eerie notion nonetheless. She intended to uncover this talent and teach it to her students at the academy. This was far too valuable to be stowed away as one of her husband's parlor tricks. Ar-Pharazon would surrender his secret to her. She had ways of prying it out of him.

 

Yeah this bit. Well then this bit shouldn't be too long, or the reader will begin to think otherwise.

 

Oh, you're completely correct about Ar-Pharazon and foreshadowing. Given that this is an RP-based fanfic, I think some things are extremely obvious, such as that. I was just being facetitious.

 

Strangely enough, that paragraph has much more meaning that will become more apparently later one.

[Wookiee Jedi]

I like how you've written it so far. While I feel I know where it's going to turn, I'm still drawn in to see how well you write it. Keep it up.

[Jaina Jade Skywalker]

Ben, write faster.

 

 

[/lurk]

[Amidala Skywalker]

Lurker!!!

 

Hi Jai! Hope you're doing well! It's good to see you every now and then!

[Raynuk Montar]

Shes a very good lurker...

 

Looks good Ben, you certainly have me captivated. Hell, I might even get inspired to finish my FanFic (for the like 4th time) Cant wait to see where you go from here. its an odd sense to think about you, Geki, Tarrian, and others as Jedi though...

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

Cant wait to see where you go from here. its an odd sense to think about you, Geki, Tarrian, and others as Jedi though...

 

Well, Raynuk is a Jedi too. I've already included you above too, just not by name.

 

And Jaina, thanks for your support. I plan on sending the next part to my beta reader by Sunday, so hopefully it'll be up this next week.

[Raynuk Montar]

Cant wait to see where you go from here. its an odd sense to think about you, Geki, Tarrian, and others as Jedi though...

 

Well, Raynuk is a Jedi too. I've already included you above too, just not by name.

 

Yeah I know, I remember you telling me that when you asked me if it was ok with me, and I think I picked myself out anyway.

[Taren]

Well well, AP, though I don't generally come here much, only lurking every now and again, it has been a while, several years it seems. But you intrigued me with your talk about this fan fiction so I thought I'd come and see. I like it so far but wonder when my characters will start showing up.

[Obi-quiet]

...Wow...I can't believe I actually came back. You'd better love me Ben. Haven't read it yet, but I will, K?

[Raynuk Montar]

...Wow...I can't believe I actually came back. You'd better love me Ben. Haven't read it yet, but I will, K?

 

I think Ben now deserves the custom title of "Oldbie bringer-backer" or something.

[Obi-quiet]

Alright, I just read it! Booyah.

 

Truthfully, I'm impressed. It has a good start, a nice grasp on the characters, a great pace (not too fast, but not dragging out either), and a unique flavor to it.

 

Very well done. I'm looking forward to more.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

...Wow...I can't believe I actually came back. You'd better love me Ben.

 

Always have; always will.

 

It is a true honor to receive such positive reviews by two highly respectable members of this site. Taren and Obi-quiet, thank you both! For whatever reason, we always managed to click back in the day, and I miss you both as full-time members of this site. You know you're both terrific, and I hope you'll both be around in the future.

 

Also, feel free to rip my writing apart. I know you're both more than capable of it, and I'm really new at all this, and want to improve in every way possible. It's a lot harder writing real fanfic, as opposed to just trolling and making mock versions of other people's work.

[Tiana Calthye]

Also, feel free to rip my writing apart.

OKAY.

 

Though I know you've been open to critique for a while, here it is: the dreaded and long awaited Tiana post. I assure you I do not consider myself a grammar expert, or spelling expert, by any means, so I'm not even going to bother nitpicking those sort of things today. I'm sure you're doing fine and the other reviewers will catch it if you're not. Nothing leapt out of the story as being particularly and dreadfully most wrongly spelt... so... rather...

 

YOUR WRITING: the critique.

 

The first thing that struck me was the sheerly obvious tone of your ordinary writing style: satire. In order to write a good satire, you take words to make things funny. Overblown, melodramatic, and all in all, generally weilding the English language as a sword to make people spit their coffee across their computer and ruin their keyboards, in general, racking up a bill for tech repair. The entire PURPOSE of satire is to make people snort, laugh, or sometimes be offended so that YOU can laugh.

 

However.

 

This is a serious story.

 

The very first sentence... made me painfully aware...

 

You write satire. You write parody. You write over the top, trolling mock versions of other people's work. You do it well.

 

A sleek, metallic colored Sho-Wing speeder sailed through the darkened evening skies above the crowded cityscape of Coruscant, disregarding all official speed limits.

 

But it does not translate to serious descriptions as easily as one might think.

 

So I admit, I dove for my books. I know you're a reader of high fantasy such as Robert Jordan's... so I grabbed one of his books and flipped it open. Sure enough, I could see something comparable: his writing was likewise wordy. However, I'm not as familiar with that series so I fell back to one I WAS familar with to really explain my critiques. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

 

"When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton."

 

As you see, your opening sentence is not nearly as long, and it's also more in the moment. Opening sentences set the tone for the entire thing and I drew this much from them:

 

-You're a wordy, descriptive writer.

-You're writing with an active voice.

 

If you peer through the Lord of the Rings, you'll note that though it's also wordy and descriptive, it's written with a lot more passive voice than your immediate first setting throws at us.

 

The problem is, you have to pick, sometimes. One or the other. Do you want the wordy descriptions or the active, here and now action?

 

I would lean towards the active voice as being more suited to fanfiction and offer this advice: scissors. SNIP SNIP. Cut out what's unnecessary. Rather than using words to blow sentences out of proportion, which works effectively in satire, use words to tell as much as you can with as little as you need.

 

You don't need to tell us that it's sleek, metallic colored. Sleek would suffice, and if you must add that it's metallic, you certainly don't need to use the word 'colored' as well. 'A sleek metalic Sho-Wing speeder sailed through the evening skies above the crowded cityscape of Coruscant, disregarding all official speed limits.' Two less words, but it makes it an easier sentences to read.

 

Use your discression. Unlike some writers, you're already picking good descriptive words. Bundled, trumped, masses, compliance, lofty... use them to paint pictures, but use those pictures in moderation when you're going for an active storytelling voice.

 

You know. Like this one.

 

Coruscant, in its entirety, was covered by imposing, buttressed towers, but none compared to this particular structure in sheer size and grace.

This sentence is beautiful. You hardly need more words than this to sum up Coruscant--and sure enough, that's what you stuck with. One sentence, and it brought up visuals for Coruscant and... AND... it gave an idea of the sheer enormity of the Jedi Temple. It was perfect, you left it at that, and then moved on to give one sentence of history.

 

Really, writing a good description is not all unlike writing satire. Instead of chosing your words to make fun of the original work, chose them to paint another picture. And be careful with them, don't clutter your introductory paragraphs with too many pictures or you'll overwhelm the more simple readers who just came in for a simple read. The beginning can and will make or break a story.

 

In short: your descriptions are very good and often vivid in such a way that they brought up stirring mental images just from a simple sentence alone, I just felt there were too many of them at times. Be careful with the amount of detail you include. Minimalism is good. Even still, as it is, it is good. It could just be better.

 

Now, now... I feel it was your dialogue where you fell short and something I feel may have come from taking inspiration from hard fantasy, where the dialogue is often either 1) too over the top or 2) "As you know, Bob."

 

“Whatever, R4, just get us there quickly,” she replied impatiently.

 

This was plausable, it would have been better had you only used one adverb. Adverbs are great in moderation and half the time, you don't need them. Rule of thumb is no more than one in a sentence or there's too many lys.

 

Now, I realize you tried to justify the "As you know, Bob" by making the guard apparently not know any of this and Ara "dwell on details"... but... but...

 

“Also, I can see Jidai Geki. Like Faust, he’s one of the most powerful Jedi in the Order. He’s well known for some great scientific discoveries over the last few decades involving medicine and chemistry. I’ve been to a couple lectures that he’s given recently too, but I could barely follow what he was talking about. The guy is a genius, that’s for sure, but he’s a real mad scientist type. Freaky, but give the guy his due.”

 

And

 

“Well…” replied Ara. “Let’s just say that when I was training as an apprentice, I had to read his books too, and they were the only ones more confusing for me than Jidai Geki’s. He’s a philosopher and a theologian, and the expert on the Council in all matters related to the Force. He’s perhaps the most brilliant mind in the Order, right along Adi-Wan. I guess he’s really powerful too, but that’s a given. I’m not sure what else there is to say about him. There’s his wife too, standing next to him. Her name is Krystal. Supposedly, she’s descended from Obi-Wan Kenobi, a great Jedi from long ago.”

 

It's really just too much information in one shot, and way too much for someone's dialogue. For me, it overwhelmed me and I forgot most of it very quickly while reading onto the next paragraphs, and I had to keep going back.

 

Characters explaining things is GOOD, better than narrative dump passages, but... only if you didn't have her keep going on and on and on. Your NPC might be geniuely interested, but I must admit I'm not. I mean, my word, did she really need to explain who was a theologian and healer of mental ailments and whatever? All in one blow? Show, don't tell! I liked the line about "I had to read his books too" because for me, that was showing. You were showing that he was a confusing, smart guy, and probably brilliant as well... you didn't really need to say everything that the one sentence implied. I loved that sentence. I laughed at it.

 

“Wow, I’ve been excited about this all week. I guess it’s finally starting now,” said Ara to the blue-clad guard.

BUT WHAT IS IT? I mean, you've told us everything we could've possibly found out about these characters before we even met them, but not what IT is. D:

 

 

And that's how I felt about chapter one. Basically, in short, that it was really good, and you had some genius, brilliant statements, but sometimes you went a little over the top with talking too much.

 

You see, what you did was a good idea. It's a good idea to make a character introduce other characters to other characters. Put in someone who doesn't know what's going on and someone who does, and they can explain it. The point is to not go too 'as you know, Bob', and keep it short and sweet, providing more information as the story progresses rather than introducing it all at once. I understand you have a large cast and you'd like to get the Council away with at the beginning, but if they're important they're going to show traits like being brilliant minded theologians as the story goes, without it needing to be explained by your main character. And if they're not important to the story, then you don't need a long paragraph to explain their entire background, either.

 

To top it off, chapter two immediately jumps to where the Council is, and you could've slipped some more of this information into here instead of handing the dialogue to Ara.

 

Now... chapter two.

 

I felt chapter two was a sheer improvement over chapter one. In fact, had this been chapter one, I wouldn't have complained. The interaction between AP and Krystal entertained me and made me quite suspicious, even as it made her suspicious, which I feel was the intended point. You did something with chapter two that chapter one did not: I sympathized with the characters at hand, and I didn't find I really sympathized with your portrayal of Ara--in fact, I felt that she was only there for the latter half just to explain things to the guard.

 

The dialogue flowed more smoothly, and the interaction was cute. Maybe you just liked writing those characters more? At any rate, it read better and I felt as if the description fell more neatly into place.

 

You improved from chapter one to chapter two, so if you keep this up it should be novel-quality in a few chapters, right? =P

 

I like the inclusion of pictures as well. As you have a particularly large cast it certainly helps to have visuals to keep them together.

 

So I agree with Ami over chapter two: you did a nice job with the relationship between AP and Krissi and I hope to see more of the same from you.

 

And I do get that same foreboding chill from AP in the fic... that someone's going to turn to the dark side... >.> I liked the peaceful, domestic introduction in contrast with that? XD

 

I mean, we all KNOW he's going to be PURE EVIL, but anyway. You did a good job of it.

 

And look, you've even brought lurkers out of the woodwork!

 

So keep up what you're doing. Your strengths lie in picking good descriptive words, just don't overdo it. Keep up the quirky and foreboding interactions and you should have a great RP based fic.

 

Oh yeah. One final positive note: I liked that you brought out really notable seperate personalities for each character, too. Especially with the RP based fic, this will continue to be necessary for the individuality of your story... especially with a large cast.

 

It was good. I liked it. Quality fic, just with a few weak points that could easily be solved with a bit of trimming.

 

(THIS POST IS NOT AN EXAMPLE OF HOW TO EFFECTIVELY TRIM WRITING. Just because I say it doesn't mean I'm GOOD at it. )

[Jedi Kiara]

Never thought I'd be posting in an actual serious story thread of yours, LAP. At least not as a civilian poster. But seeing as how I recieved a personal invite, I thought I'd check it out.

 

Before I start my crit, just so you know, I have actually only read your first post so far. I don't have as much time as I used to... now that I've got a little boy and a husband to take care of . So I can't guarantee I'll be able to read any further.

 

First of all, I liked the banter between Ara and her R4. That was cute, and it was a good way to begin the story with a little action, and also a bit of humor having her land in an unorthodox way. You have given Ara a personality, which is something I have noticed that a lot of guys seem to have a hard time doing with their female characters. Of course, that could just be because this is an RP and Ara gave herself enough of a personality that you were able to portray it here. I will never know.

 

Next I wanted to add a little word of caution. In the first post you did introduce quite a few characters... That can get a bit hard to follow for some people. It's a lot of names to throw at someone in the beginning of a story. Just keep that in mind.

 

I think you did well combining imagery and dialogue. There is a tendency for some writers to focus on one or the other.

 

I didn't really focus on any spelling or grammatical errors, so I can't help you there. After editting my husband's english papers all semester, my editting skills are just about burnt out! So you are off the hook there on my part... if there were any to be found to begin with anyway.

 

All in all I enjoyed the story, and had this been back in the day I probably would have kept up with reading it. It seems to flow well and it was able to catch my attention. I wish it hadn't taken you so long to get real serious about writing on this website.

 

I do have one question though... why is this story stickied? Is that really fair to everyone else?

 

Just asking.

[Raynuk Montar]

I do have one question though... why is this story stickied? Is that really fair to everyone else?

 

Just asking.

 

Well, there was that period of time when Ben got admin powers a few weeks ago... And hey, no one ever said he wasn't corrupt!

 

Oh and Ben, you officially made me think that I should get back to finishing MY RP based FanFic. Thanks a lot. buttmunch!

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I do have one question though... why is this story stickied? Is that really fair to everyone else?

 

Just asking.

 

At face value, it might appear to not be fair. But what else isn't fair? Why does that number 6 get to be three times as much as the number 2? Or why is 13 only half off 26? I mean, that's not fair. Right? Exactly. My thread is pretty much the same thing. Six of one, half a dozen to the other.

 

I stickied it, as an admin, as a celebration of Jnet's 10 year anniversary, but also, because this story is a monumentally powerful synergetic celebration between RP and Fanfic, not to mention it's a magnet for old users to return to these forums, evidenced by the posts prior to this very one I'm making now. In a year's time, I'm sure it'll be okay to unsticky this thread. Probably. There's really no way to know for sure.

 

Kiara, it was an honor to receive your commentary. I agree that I might have introduced too much up front, and I guess I'm just trying to avoid a story that's going take three years to post on here. I have a lot of ideas, and a lot of characters. I hope that in the future, you'll get a chance to add more commentary, because it was very welcome.

 

Tiana, I was wondering what you were talking about in your PM concerning LOTR. Now I know. You're right. I can get pretty wordy sometimes. It's something that I've always struggled with in writing, in school papers, and in RP too. Some of that comes from the fantasy sources such as Jordan and Tolkein, but a lot came with writing political and philosophical papers over the past few years too, and reading a ton of wordy articles. I will definitely work on being more concise too. Thanks for the commentary, and I promise I'll factor that in when writing future chapters.

[Amidala Skywalker]

That and you just like the ego boost it gives you, right?

 

In a year's time, I'm sure it'll be okay to unsticky this thread. Probably.

 

 

 

BTW, I'm way impressed by Tiana's longest review ever. I think there should be a fanfic award for that or something.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

That and you just like the ego boost it gives you, right?

 

In a year's time, I'm sure it'll be okay to unsticky this thread. Probably.

 

 

Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.

[Tiana Calthye]

You guys are right. Unstickied!

[Reptilia]

You guys are right. Unstickied!

So now it's an announcement?

[Amidala Skywalker]

Lol, Tiana.

 

I think I like it better as an announcement...and I'm sure LAP will too because now it's the first thing on the page.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

Thanks Tiana!

 

Lol, Tiana. I think I like it better as an announcement...and I'm sure LAP will too because now it's the first thing on the page.

 

You're starting to figure me out. Of course, it didn't take a lot to know I would enjoy something like this.

 

Also, to Obi-Quiet: please check your PM Box. I got your PM yesterday, and you sounded really confused, and I checked my outbox, which showed me that you haven't received my PM from a few days ago. I think it'll remedy some of your confusion.

[Tiana Calthye]

You're welcome. Now go update it. It IS an announcement, after all.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

Well, I've sent out the next part to ATS, so the ball is in her court at this point. I really like how this thread is an announcement though. That's awesome. So, to give the readers something, I will provide the following pictures...

 

Here's a preview regarding the next chapter:

 

NEW CHARACTERS:

 

***

 

I'm making an edit and pulling the picturess from this post, to reduce the overall number of pictures in this thread for a faster load. I reposted them below, with their chapter.

Edited May 18, 2009 by Guest

[Chajiko]

Looking forward to the next installment! Also, I am tickled at seeing Suikoden artwork >_>

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

Looking forward to the next installment! Also, I am tickled at seeing Suikoden artwork >_>

 

Haha, I thought I would put those excellent pics to use. I'm a huge fan of the Suikoden series, and this is my indirect little homage. I know KKVC is also a huge fan of the series, and I especially love 1 and 2, but I didn't expect anyone else to recognize them. That's great. Maybe you'll get a kick out of some of the pictures I'll employ in the future too. I've expanded away from just Suikoden, because as I've spent more time looking for pictures, I've found more and more from other areas too. The chapter after next will be the first with a Non-Suikoden pic though. Sorry...

[Raynuk Montar]

Ahaha. Im a composer eh? Interesting. Cant wait to see the next chapter Ben, one of the few Fan Fics ive ever actually followed closely!

[Arlan Vass]

Heh, I love how you incorporate yourself into the story. That's so you.

 

Ah, but in all seriousness bud, it's really good so far! I'm looking forward to seeing where you take this.