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Break of Dark (Challenge Response) (Complete)


DarthBrendo
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Covering off four challenges here....I hope you're editing these in Tiana/Nat

 

December 07

3) Contain the following words in a story: ring, key, pale, sign, alcohol.

 

January 08

1) It's a new year, but that doesn't mean retrospect is bad. Go find an old fan fiction or original fiction you wrote, or even an old RPG post. Laugh at it. Then rewrite it. Provide a link to the original, too. =D

6) Begin or end a story with the following sentence. "S/he never saw it coming."

 

July 08

6) Adjectives are our friends! Write a fic using at least 25 different adjectives.

 

Link to the original version - http://forums.jedi.net/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=22246

 

Challenge Response...

 

The Break of Dark

Barry woke up suddenly throwing the bed-covers off his torso, and used a meaty hand to push damp hair out of his face as he squinted his eyes against the bright sunlight streaming through the bedroom window. With a yawn Barry slid his body out of bed, and groping blindly with his feet, found his slippers at the side of the bed, realising at the same time that his body was sweaty and his pyjamas were sticking to his skin.

 

That damn doc told me the drugs would end the nightmares.

 

Shuffling over to the window while he Looked out and saw the pale blue sky, the snow falling softly and knew it was a sign of yet another frigid day of winter. Knowing he could only procrastinate for so long, Barry made his way into the bathroom and turned on the hot water tap in the shower while he undressed, shivering as he waited for the hot water to come through. When steam finally started to rise, Barry stepped in and yelped in pain as the scalding hot water stung his skin, grasping at the cold water tap trying to get the water temperature right. Eventually satisfied, Barry stood under the spray as the hot water played on his tense muscles, slowly relaxing and loosening them, and dispelling the last lingering effects of sleep induced grogginess.

 

Eventually he turned off the taps, and drying his body and throwing on some clean track pants and a shirt made his way into the kitchen, listening as his stomach made grumbling sounds. As he pulled open the pantry, Barry noticed a letter on the kitchen bench from his wife and picked it up in one hand as he pulled the cereal container from the pantry.

 

Dear Barry,

You looked so tired that I thought it best not to wake you. I'll be home about six tonight. Your lunch is in your gearbag by the front door and there are some steaks defrosting in the fridge, so don't forget to bring home some gas for the barbecue.

I'll be in meetings all day, including one with your old ”œpal”

Edited by Guest

Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05

Order of the Nocturnal

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I had to go look up what an adjective is! I was never good at remembering things like that. Though school I could only ever remember what a noun was. I tried to count the adjectives and lost count though I think that you got enough.

 

That said I liked it... though you said that Barry had a wedding ring... and that he cut down his girlfriend.... Makes no sense really.

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looking forward to tit
One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream.
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Good call--I just caught that now when you mentioned it, although I did notice something seemed off.

 

Good work. I counted all 25 adjectives.

 

Much improved too, from the first version.

 

Good job, B!

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SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone!
There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person.
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I'm usually a fan of your stuff, Brendo, but to be perfectly honest I didn't much care for this short. It seems rather pointless, and the ending is almost cartoonish in its execution- I found it quite comedic that he was screaming

'why, God why?'

 

It could be that I'm missing something crucial about this challenge, though- is somebody else supposed to write the middle part?

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http://www.themire.co.uk-- being a veracious and lurid account of the goings-on in the savage Mire and the sootblown alleys of Portstown's Rookery!

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I'm usually a fan of your stuff, Brendo, but to be perfectly honest I didn't much care for this short. It seems rather pointless, and the ending is almost cartoonish in its execution- I found it quite comedic that he was screaming

'why, God why?'

 

It could be that I'm missing something crucial about this challenge, though- is somebody else supposed to write the middle part?

 

The challenge was to re-write a fic you'd already done, and this was one I posted a couple of years ago, which is the link at the top.

 

It was originally written for an English assessment task in high school when I was in year 10 I think from memory, and the reason there is no middle is because I couldn't think how to get from the start to the end in the time that we were given. I don't remember what the original assessment task was for though.

 

I was kinda emo at the time (originally when I wrote it) hence the slightly mordbid nature, but yeah, it's kinda not that great. This is a better re-write, I think, then the original. It flows much better and is less...crap then it.

Member of Jnet Addict Club 12/05

Order of the Nocturnal

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  • 2 years later...

Well, I just checked out this story, Brendo. I did not expect such a dangling ending. Sorry for the pun. No, I have no idea of what to expect. I ignored the challenge criteria and just got to the reading. I was going to say, that up until the end, it sounds like a lot of bad days I've had in my life. I hate waking up pissed, or tripping and falling and spilling something. In a lot of ways, you managed to just capture some of the shitty common circumstances of life: bad dreams, the spills, the waning hunger which can immediately be set aside for random things that arise, or even just coming home to a situation that you don't want or expect. I thought it was a solid piece. Well done.

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[Associate of the Illinois Mafia since November 2002.]

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We all have them. Mine include Paint Wars (in which various Jedi get attacked by paint and garlic) and an absolutely terrible Lord of the Rings Pippin gets hit by an apple scene. Oh yes, and the LotR fic in which people gave sour candies to orcs.

 

I don't think this is anywhere near the atrocity of those.

 

I think it was actually fairly crisp, with a level of writing that simply brings us into the world and the characters. On the other hand, the ending seemed very out of the blue and random. So it's not your best and it's not your worst. It's just interesting to see again, I guess.

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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