This Little Rhyme (A non SW Poem) (Fin)

[Count_Orsino]

Get out of my head

You just annoy me

Get out of my head

Let me be free.

 

I can't let it go

You won't give me a chance

You won't leave me alone

It's a sick twisted dance

 

One of misery

One of hate

One of despair

One of horrible fate

 

I can't do this

You're twisting my heart

You're harming my mind

Breaking me apart

 

No one can do this

Only you

I don't know why

But I'm such a fool.

 

This much over a person

Over one piece of time

Over a word

Over my mind

 

Why should I care?

I know I should not

But I can't help but to

It ruins my emotional plot

 

I have but two emotions

Sorrow and hate

And I keep them

For use at a later date

 

This is my outlook

Of what's on my mind

I explained it

In this little rhyme.

[Joreel Ordo]

A little harsh and short. I like the flow of hate, but it just seems to rash, I don't feel your emotions, I am just reading it.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Good job! Well-done, though dark and depressing.

 

Great little poem.

[Count_Orsino]

Thank you for the feedback. I'm surprised you don't feel it though Hartel. That's basically all it is. Oh well, I'm sure I'll do better during my next emo fit...

[Joreel Ordo]

Thank you for the feedback. I'm surprised you don't feel it though Hartel. That's basically all it is. Oh well, I'm sure I'll do better during my next emo fit...

 

I mean you state the emotion you feel, but not how it feels. I can imagine anger, but to what depth, does it make me verge on rage? This poem lacks that.

[Count_Orsino]

Ah, I see what you are saying now.

[Tiana Calthye]

You could probably emphasis the emotional state with different punctuation...

 

I can't let it go!

You won't give me a chance

You won't leave me alone!

It's a sick, twisted dance.

 

One of misery,

One of hate,

One of despair,

One of horrible fate.

 

But I agree. I didn't really feel it. It wasn't badly written, but it didn't get me into the depths of your emotions. It stated them clearly for me to understand... which suits the end line... but it didn't make me feel the intense, burning rage.

 

I just said, not that long ago, to a friend that "a good poem makes you feel an emotion". This one didn't make me feel an emotion, it just felt like the facts of your mindset. Which was interesting in a way too.

[Guest]

Some people aren't overly emo when writing. I enjoyed it such as Ami.

[Tiana Calthye]

I liked it, I was just agreeing that I didn't feel the emotion from it rather than just the facts. I'm not sure which he was going for--though the end verse rather implies that I saw it as it was meant to be... these are his emotions: the simple facts of those emotions.

[Guest]

I'm saying to make a good poem it doesn't have to be

 

"He clawed desperately as the blackness suffocated the remaining bits of his soul." Not everyone writes their pain that way, or their feelings that way.

 

A lot of people are matter of fact, it's this this and this. That's how it is to them, and maybe to him what he wrote was opening up. Yet, you all say it's not. It's rude.

[Tiana Calthye]

I don't think you need to use the 'tangled web of these sorrows reaching up and branching through my soul as though they were spikes, strangling, and soon to be slicing through the ripe innards of my tormented inner beast' to get emotion across. I'm just saying, it comes across as very matter of fact. That doesn't mean it's bad! That makes for an interesting touch in poetry in itself, and I never said it was bad. That was just how it felt to me. Matter of fact. A lot of guys I know express their emotions that way too.

 

Saying so is constructive criticism. If that was his intent, then he should keep writing poems this way--he nailed it, keep doing it, you got it and you're showing us that's how you feel! Straight forward while in pain is a unique approach but it's a nice change from OH THE AGONY MY SOUL ACHES AND BURNS! poems too. But if it wasn't his intent and he really wanted an emo poem, he needs to work on it more.

 

Almost every posted story around here has some suggestion on how to make it better, be it grammar or descriptions or dialogue or emotion. Most artists and writers appreciate knowing how readers felt when they read their piece (many, many artists and writers have told me so. o_O). Orsino said he was surprised Hartel didn't feel it and I was trying to elaborate a bit to help him understand maybe why we didn't feel it.

 

Hey, I said I liked it.

 

In fact, the simplicity to me reminds me very much of lyrics, I think it'd be a good song. To be honest, I liked his words better as a narrative than as a poem... it would have worked interestingly for a character who was hurt but trying to remain apathetic over it. Hmmm. Anakin, maybe, a little... it does remind me a bit of Anakin. I enjoy seeing narratives written in a disjointed style and monologues and it sort of reminded me of a very simple monologue.

 

I think the purpose of poems is for people to try interpet what the writer felt when they wrote them, right? Poems are like painting with words. Not everyone will feel them the same way. This is how I felt it. The fact that I drew something from it enough to write about it and try to interpet it is a good thing.

 

 

Can't wait to see what you do next, Orinso!

[Sasori]

Art is in the eye of the beholder.

 

I was just trying to help him capture more beholders. I think it was good, but it could use improvement that's all.

[Count_Orsino]

Well, I'm glad you all liked it. And I usually do express my feelings that way. Just not in poem form. That's when I'm on the verge of doing something stupid. Which I was. I was shopping for a baseball bat for a certain someone... Instead I wrote this. As for what I'll do next, hopefully that's a long way away.

 

I also thank you all for your input, and I was not offended by any of it. I will attempt to remember it next time I'm full of hate and misery. In the meantime, I feel like I should start rapping. But it won't be serious. I will take any song suggestions.