And Watch Hope Burn (Fin)

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Okay, this one is a quick write, and completely un-betaed. I came up with it, I wrote it, and here it is just that fast. It's kind of rough, but I didn't really know how else to express what I wanted. Hopefully you don't all laugh too hard.

 

*************************************************************AND WATCH HOPE BURN

 

 

Pain! Heat, fire, danger, Ow! My brain can't understand anything else ”“ save hate. Charred stumps where my strong, healthy limbs should be, heat below me, coming closer, powerless to move, can't think, can't breathe”¦ It Hurts So Much! I think I'm screaming.

 

I know I'm trying.

 

Danger! Behind me, where my legs are supposed to be but aren't. Need to get away, trying to crawl, can't move! Help!

 

But I know you won't. It's your fault to begin with.

 

Aaaauuuuggghhh! Sulfuric fumes stinging my eyes ”“ or are those tears? It Hurts! I don't have words for the pain. I feel sick. I need help!

 

But not your help.

 

The pain is fading a little. Now I can look and see your lips are moving: you're saying something. I don't want to listen. It would be easier not to; my flesh is going numb and cold, my brain fuzzy. It's probably because I'm going into shock. But I strain to catch your words anyway. They could be the last ones I ever ”“

 

Aaagggghhhh! Screams, nothing but screams, heat, pain, fire ”“ I am on fire! I am burning alive! I've never known pain before now. No words, no thoughts, only pain, pain, pain, fire and heat and rage, fire eating at my flesh outside, fury consuming my soul inside.

 

And there's nothing I can do about it. I can only burn.

 

And you stand there, tears streaking your cheeks, as my flesh melts off my bones and my own salt tears eat away at my raw, burning face.

 

And you wail.

 

”œYou were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! You were to bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!”

Edited September 20, 2008 by Guest

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I read it, and see where you were going with it, but I guess it just threw me for a second, until I realized what it was.

 

I think some more third person narrative would help, as well as a revision to the title. Starting out on a conjunction like that is a bit sloppy grammatically, so maybe "Watching Hope Burn" or "The Burning Hope" would be a bit better. I'd even add a subtitle like ”œRuination: A Dream Burns”

[Amidala Skywalker]

Nicely done, Ani. It did feel rough, but that's to be expected with how you just wrote it up.

 

I agree that the "Owwwww" was a little cheesy, but at the same time there were some really good POV sentences in there. I really liked the one about the fire burning his outside and the hate burning his inside.

 

I didn't like the Obi-Wan section as much--except for the last few sentences. I think you could have done it with just the Anakin section. But I do like the contrast you paint.

 

Overall, nice work. It's always fun to read this kind of stuff. Oh--and I disagree with LAP--I love the title.

 

Great stuff, Ani.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Actually, I chose the conjunction title that way on purpose. I want it to kind of rankle with the reader.

 

Also, a lot of this was supposed o be italicized. I forgot to code it. Whoops. I'll have to go back and fix that.

 

I was doubtful about the "Owww!" myself, but I watched the movie... and, seriously, that's what he says!

 

I thought about going a bit more into the Vader side, but honestly, figured for most of it, he wouldn't be thinking about too much more than "HOLY SITH I'M ON FIRE AND IT HUUUURRRRRTTSSS!!!" for those few minutes. Every time he starts to talk about something other than the pain, it's supposed to be because shock is setting in and he doesn't feel as much anymore. But then there's new pain.

 

I know we're all familiar with that scene in the movie. I was hoping by adding sound effects and focusing on pain and helplessness, I could maybe get you guys imagining what it would feel like. I guess I need more work on that.

 

The end is just the beginning of his darkness solidifying. It's before Obi-Wan turns away and leaves him, and Anakin, even while his body burns, is finding this evil satisfaction in the fact that, by turning to the dark side and burning up and dying, he's ruined the lives of both Obi-Wan.... and the entire galaxy.

 

 

I put Obi-Wan's side in there because I wanted to grant Anakin his sadistic victory - having Obi-Wan watch his hope - and the hope of the entire galaxy - burn. You're right, though, Ami, I had the idea for Anakin's part first, and Obi-Wan's fell into place after that. Also, I have a terrible time trying to write Obi-Wan.

 

I thought about sending this to beta first, but I chose not to because I wanted it to be a little raw and grating. I didn't want it to be too eloquent, because burning-up people typically aren't. That's one thing I liked a lot about the movie - they didn't have Vader give some big glorious speech about revenge while he was burning up.

 

Thanks for the comments, though, guys. I'll apply them to most of my future writing.

Edited September 20, 2008 by Guest

[Dartha Athanth]

The concept is kinda neat, but the OWWW and ARGH detracts from the mood, like some people have already said (I'm too lazy to look at their long posts). And longer sentence structures would help.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I would have said:

 

[Anakin T Skywalker]

What are you talking about? (blinks innocently)

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I wasn't trying to over-impose anything, but rather help with edits. Sorry if my style rubbed you the wrong way.

[ForceFusion]

Interesting. Two pieces of advice.

 

1. Show it, don't tell it. You do a lot of Anakin thinking "Ow, I'm in pain!" But what is that doing to him? It's not really real to me because all I get is the words "pain" and "fire" and "burning."

 

2. Connected to 1, get on all the senses. Pretty much, I felt I had a little bit of what he physically feels, very little of what he sees. No smell, no taste, very little hearing. This is an intense scene, and you need to bring the reader in with all five senses. Hell, six: the Force.

 

And, I'd just chop out the "Ow" even making it shorter is still pretty corny, imo.

[Tiana Calthye]

 

2. Connected to 1, get on all the senses. Pretty much, I felt I had a little bit of what he physically feels, very little of what he sees. No smell, no taste, very little hearing. This is an intense scene, and you need to bring the reader in with all five senses. Hell, six: the Force.

THAT.

 

Seriously, that. If you're writing in first person, you have to keep that strongly in mind... all the senses. Hearing his flesh sizzle as the heat takes over, smelling the burning skin and hair and plastic in his clothing, the foul taste of bile in his mouth as he vaguely remembers what it's like to be cut in half, and the Force--you cannot get away without the Force while writing Jedi and Sith... the Force screaming in the back of their mind: I'M HERE, I'M HERE... you just have to let go and I'm here.

 

 

 

Contrary to others, I LOVE the title and I would love to write a short with the same title. Wow, I love that title. I think that the school-level English teaching of 'don't start on a conjunction' has actually been taught because most people that age cannot do it right. In fact, I read this on a literary agent's blog. But it has its use for effect. This is one place where I see it right for effect. A longer story, I would've encouraged 'Hope Burns' as the title. But for a short, it works.

 

It would never work for a novel, but for a short or a song, that's a very intense title. I mean, what made this for me, was this.

 

And you must stand there and watch hope burn.

 

This is a very tricky sort of scene to write, but you had a good hook line with that. A set theme. I would've worked it out in a different way, myself. Stream of thought is insanely difficult. INSANELY difficult. I spent years trying to teach myself to write it and this is not a bad start.

 

Yes, it needs critique, but you yourself said... you posted it unedited, it's rough right now.

 

One thing you can use stylistically is no caps, run sentences together, runons, when you're doing stream of thought/pain/dying if you're careful, you can use these to try get a sound effect. My love of emdashes comes from writing many many stream of thought bits you've never seen before, and Jedi.net NEVER will. Oh, so bad...

 

I do stand with LAP on this too...

 

I’d also make Anakin sound more bitter too, as he blames all of this on Obi-Wan and the Jedi. Remember, this is the traumatic event which solidifies Anakin as the terrible Darth Vader, so feel free to make him more Vader, rather than Anakin.

By this time he was Vader. I would've liked to see some more of that evil VADER DOOM sense in there.

 

What would be interesting would be to see the same scene from Anakin and then Vader's eyes...

 

They covered most of the critique already, so I'll just say that I thought it was an inspiring scene, although rough.

[Darth KenObi-Wan]

Ooooh, Fire!

 

I liked this! I thought the whole 'Owww, this hurts!' type thing was funny!

 

[Amidala Skywalker]

I feel like leaving another review.

 

So yeah, I really did like this. A bunch. I'd read it again. I will.

 

This is such a great scene in the movie...*sighs*

 

[/pointless second review]