Darth KenObi-Wan Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 (edited) I thought I'd try posting a story here, even though I know not to expect a great response. I readily accept constructive criticism, and as you will probably see down further, I need it. This first one is a Siriwan/Obidala. Siri's reaction to Obidala. Rated... PG-13 for character death. Jealousy The Holonet reporters were going crazy. There was a scandal. Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi had resigned. Not because he was dissatisfied or he was disillusioned. He left for her. A lone Jedi Knight glared at the view screen in front of her. Why had he done this? ”˜Why for her and not for me?' she wondered. They had once shared something, but he had thrown that into the wind for her. When it was me, he chose the Order but now it's her and he doesn't even think twice. The grief and jealousy that swept through her, surprised her. She wasn't used to these emotions, she hadn't expected them. She and Obi-Wan had chosen the Order over love. A life of duty rather than to do as their hearts told them. It had been a mutual, if reluctant, decision. Both the decision and the reluctance had been mutual. He must have gotten over that. Must have thought that she wouldn't mind if he ran off with another and flaunted it all over the media. There was only one question she wanted to ask him: ”œWhy her and not me?” Edited January 22, 2011 by Guest This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Welcome to fanfic, first off! It's always good to have new blood around here. Interesting premise! I think I got lost a little bit with all the pronouns. I'd encourage you to use their names more often; you don't have to do it every time, but with all the 'her's and 'she's, I got a bit mixed up who you were referring to. There were a few grammatical mistakes too. But really interesting short! I like how you told us the info we needed to know, but it didn't really feel like info dumping. And it was neat how you didn't reveal that Siri was dead until the end. Very creative. Good work. SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 Very well done! I have to admit, Obidala stoes in general are not much to my personal taste, but I think this was the only one I have ever read and not been angry. I agree with Ami about the pronouns, it was a bit confusing toward the end, but I liked the twist you threw in there. One thing: There was a scandal. Too declarative, in my opinion. You have a whole bunch of short choppy declarative sentences there at the beginning of this, and that particular sentence just doesn't really do very much. Even if you were to say, "It was a scandal of epic proportions!" it would be better. Just to make it a little more exciting and interesting. Otherwise, nice short! Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted August 31, 2008 Share Posted August 31, 2008 They had once shared something, but he had thrown that into the wind for her. When it was me, he chose the Order but now it's her and he doesn't even think twice. The grief and jealousy that swept through her, surprised her. She wasn't used to these emotions, she hadn't expected them. maybe something to show which is the thought and which is the narrative? And what's the (SIRIWAN)(OBIDALA) THing for? Anyway, I'm anti Obidala and pro siriwan, so... But a good start, quite interesting. Maybe you could furnish more details of the scandal? Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted August 31, 2008 Author Share Posted August 31, 2008 Ami: Sorry about the pronouns. I did that for a reason. In that, Siri, at that point, couldn't bear the thought of her name. Or something like that. I forget. I did try to italisize it when it was refering to Padme, but I might have missed a few... Ani: I'm against Obidala, too. I just thought it would be interesting to explore how Siri felt about it. I'm glad it didn't make you angry! The declarativeness was there for a reason. Sort of, to make an impact. But I don't think it worked very well. Dartha: Yeah, I should have differentiated between thoughts and narrative. Thanks for pointing that out. Also, the (SIRIWAN)(OBIDALA) thing, was supposed to be a border between scenes. This is an old story, and I've stopped using that particular type of border since then. I'm pro-Siriwan, too. But you're not going to get much more from this one-shot. There'll be another one, sometime in the future. This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 Just so you know Darth KenObi-Wan, when you write a word document and put in italics, then copy the document into a post, the italics don't cross over to the post because they have to be in code, so you have to manually input them. That's probably why your italics didn't show up. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 I know about the code thing. Most of my newer things already have the code in them, but this is an old piece. I got most of them. This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 It was interesting, and yes, very short. I guess they said it all. Welcome to Fanfic! Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Hi, Tiana! A lot of mine are quite short. There's a perfectly resonable explanation for that. Thanks for the welcome! This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 God I love the thought of Obi-wan and Padme, I loved it ten times more than the thought of her and Anakin. Very well written put, in the perspective of the "almost lover". Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andon Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 This is really sad, even though she's happy at the end. ;_; Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 What are you guys doing here? (suspicious) I'm SO not pro SiriWan, and I've read ONE good Obidala. So y'know. I prefer Star Wars with no pairings. But the short wasn't a bad thing, I wasn't insulting you when I posted that. It made it an easy read. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 Almira: I'm glad you enjoyed it! Andon: Good. Tania: But the short wasn't a bad thing, I wasn't insulting you when I posted that. And I wasn't insulted! It's because I actually write stuff out, before typing it. I have people complain ALL the time! And don't worry, I'm pretty sure this is the only romance one I've got. There may be one more... This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted September 1, 2008 Author Share Posted September 1, 2008 (edited) Ok, I'm bored. Hence, I'm giving you a humour one-shot! And this one didn't require code!! And Ani, you may have seen this before. I'm pretty sure it's a G rating. Fun-Sized Mace took another step back as he observed the scene in front of him. Qui-Gon Jinn was currently risking his life. After being refused his latest request, by none other than then Yoda, himself, he had proceeded to state, that for all Yoda thought he could order people around, he was smaller than everyone else in the room, with the exception of Master Yaddle. Mace, glancing around, noticed that apart from himself and the two arguing Masters, only Yaddle remained, the others having slipped out in the time that the four of them were distracted. Yoda's voice had risen to an incredible degree. ”œNot short, am I! Perfectly normal my height is, among my species!” Edited December 18, 2008 by Guest This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted September 1, 2008 Share Posted September 1, 2008 I don't know whether to laugh or cringe. Very amusing. I really like this part: Qui-Gon, seemingly intent on death, replied, ”œYou lose control of all your emotions when the right buttons are pressed?” SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted September 2, 2008 Share Posted September 2, 2008 I do remember this! I totally lol'd for a long time over the way you state that Qui-Gon is "risking his life" and such. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted September 10, 2008 Author Share Posted September 10, 2008 Ami: Thanks so much for your kind words! I'm glad you liked it! Ani: Anybody challenging Yoda is risking their life. Thanks! This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted September 11, 2008 Author Share Posted September 11, 2008 (edited) This is a scene I wrote for a challenge, and as such, it's unbeta'd. Sorry, there'll probably be a few mistakes. I'd check it over, but it's quarter to 12, and I'm going to bed soon. Another G rating. Anyways. Avoiding the Draigon He creeped through the Archives, overdue holonovels in hand. Hopefully the draigon would be out hunting and not waiting in her den. There was absolute silence in this place; not a soul wanted to attract the attention of the draigon. Moving through the shelves, he reached out with the Force hoping not to sense her near by. Oh no! There she was, just two rows from his current position. He ran up the rest of the row he was in, and across the intersecting aisle. Moving quickly up the row, he reached the end and turned left into another aisle, then left again two rows later. He reached out through the Force again; she was headed back to her den. There was no way he'd be able to get there and return the holos. He decided to wait her out. If he remembered correctly, she'd go for another prowl in about fifteen minutes, then he'd get his chance. In the mean time, he needed something to do. Glancing around at the holos on the shelves, he decided to look for one on avoiding draigons, while using the Force to keep tabs on her position. He froze. She had moved and was, once again, on the prowl. She was headed away from his position. Thank the Force! He moved quickly to her den and placed the holos on her desk. He was just metres from freedom, when, "Master Kenobi. Did you need assistance?" He swallowed his fear and turned to come face to face with the draigon. "Uh. No, thank-you, Master Nu. I was just... uh, just returning some of... uh, Anakin's overdue holos." At the predatorial look that came over her face, he added, quickly, "But don't worry! I've spoken to him and it won't happen again." "See that it does not, Master Kenobi." Recognising the dismissal, he made good his escape. Saved by his own Padawan's bad habits. But Anakin didn't need to know that. Edited December 18, 2008 by Guest This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 (snrks) Cute. Poor Obi-Wan. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 Cute! Poor Obi-Wan? Poor Anakin! They were Obi-Wan's holos! And I just met someone that was described as 'fun-sized'.... Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 LOL! For once, it's Obi-Wan blaimng Anakin for something, instead of Anakin blaming Obi-Wan! Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 And I finally reappear! Tiana: Thanks! Dartha: At least Anakin didn't get in trouble! You met a short person, huh? Ani: Yes! At last the roles are reversed! Thanks everyone! This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted September 21, 2008 Author Share Posted September 21, 2008 (edited) A new one! Yay! This one's beta'd, too! And again, it's rating is G. Coconuts Whispers echoed down the hall as Mace strode towards his next appointment, at Yoda's quarters. They were meeting to discuss some pressing issues, concerning the war. Glancing quickly at his pocket chrono, he decided that he had a few minutes to spare for a brief detour. As he rounded the corner, he caught sight of Kenobi and Skywalker, whispering furiously to each other, obviously in the middle of a heated debate. Before he could get close enough to discern what they were saying, they noticed him and promptly stopped whispering. They stared at him as if he had just thrown up on his tunic as he made his way slowly down the corridor. This was the first of these odd incidents. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ The second came when, while in the cafeteria, Mace caught sight of Kenobi and Skywalker bickering, but whenever someone would draw near, they would pretend to be engrossed in their meal. Mace sat down by himself, a few tables from the pair and started to eat his lunch. Soon, his curiosity got the better of him, as he accessed the Force to enhance his hearing. He heard a mere snippet of their conversation. ”œIt's a fruit, Obi-Wan. You know I'm right, just concede, for once.” Edited December 18, 2008 by Guest This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NavyGal Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 Haha I liked the first though it was a little confusing. The second was funny... thank goodness for Ani's bad habits! And that last one was funny. I have had arguments over things like that in the past Oh and I saw you are from Australia... where from in Australia? looking forward to tit One flash of my perfect chest and he'll be knocked out in a happytime daydream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 LOL hahaha! The coconut nut is a big big nut, If you eat too much you get very fat. The coconut nut is a big big nut, This delicious nut, is not a nut! It's a cocofruit... (Iiiiiiit's a cocofruit) It's a cocofruit (Iiiiiiit's a cocofruit) Just reminded me of this song. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted September 21, 2008 Share Posted September 21, 2008 WOW... I have so had this argument. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted September 27, 2008 Author Share Posted September 27, 2008 NavyGal: I'm glad you like them so far! My goal is to entertain. Dartha: I'm glad you liked it! Ani: Lol. It was inspired by an arguement pretty much exactly like that, except it was at a bus stop. This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth KenObi-Wan Posted September 27, 2008 Author Share Posted September 27, 2008 (edited) This one's unbeta'd as will be most of the following ones. Instead of staying in the prequels, we've taken a leap forward, into beyond... Luke/Mara pairing. Audio only, I'm afraid. PG-13 for... implications. Those Tedious Tasks The sound of scraping and sloshing water echoed in the silent kitchen. Luke: ”œWhy do you have to cook without oil?” Edited December 18, 2008 by Guest This is my signature. You seem to be reading it. Interesting, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted September 27, 2008 Share Posted September 27, 2008 ... Lol...I love Luke and Mara. Nice bit about scraping dirty dishes...that drives me crazy! And my little brother always comes in and says stuff like, "You missed a spot!" The previous two were good too. I loved the coconut one. *tsk tsk* C'mon Obi-Wan, don't you know that coconuts aren't veggies? SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted September 27, 2008 Share Posted September 27, 2008 Silly Mara, doesn't she know that the two tablespoons of cooking oil you use to keep food from sticking won't be enough to make someone fat? I'll bet you any money Luke buys her Teflon pans for her birthday! Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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