Denying the Truth (short KotOR story)-Fin

[Amidala Skywalker]

Hi all! Alright, so I've been playing through KotOR again, and as always, it makes me want to write KotOR viggies. I wrote this one up the other night. It's certainly not my best--a lot of recounting what happens in the game for a tell, not show kinda feeling. The end is the best part. But it's not horrible, and I hope you'll enjoy it.

 

Just a warning, since I know there are some of you who have not played the game--this short fic deals with the major spoiler and plot point of the game. So if you don't know what happens, and don't want to know, then don't read this.

 

***

 

Dear Diary,

 

So much has happened since I last wrote…I barely know where to begin. My mind is racing, full of a thousand thoughts and emotions…

 

But I must record what has happened, if only for the sake of having a place to try to process it all. Let’s see…my last entry told of the finding of our third Star Map on Korriban. I wrote how glad I was to get away from there and stop having to hide behind the façade of a potential Sith. How ironic that seems now.

 

I must write what happened before I ramble too much; I’ve got to focus.

 

We were on our way back to Tatooine, to check up on Griff before searching Manaan for the final piece of this puzzle. Without warning, we were pulled out of hyperspace by a Sith interdictor ship. It turned out to be the Leviathan, a horrid, clutching-hand shaped ship that, Carth informed us grimly, was the flagship of none other than Admiral Saul Karath. There was no way we could break their tractor beam.

 

In the precious few minutes we had before Sith troopers would be charging through our hatch, I got everyone together. We knew Malak was after Bastila, but as she pointed out, he might not know how many of us are traveling together. I knew Carth and I would also probably be targets, so it was up to one of the others to rescue us all. Jolee volunteered to use his mind affecting abilities to trick the guards into taking him into a separate cell, then into letting him out. I knew I was putting an awful lot of faith in his abilities, but we didn’t really have time to make another plan.

 

As we expected, Carth, Bastila, and I were taken directly to an interrogation chamber. I had my first chance to meet Saul face-to-face. He seemed to know me better than I know myself, which was unnerving, and with the things he did to Carth and millions of others, it was hard to remember that not even he was beyond redemption.

 

The interrogation was worse than I expected. I was prepared as much as possible for my own torture, but I wasn’t prepared for what Saul did. He interrogated me, but tortured Carth while I could only stand helplessly behind the force field. I wanted so bad just to tell Saul what I knew. Seeing Carth in that kind of agony…hearing his screams echoing through the chamber…it just tore me up inside. If he had tortured me, it would have been easier to bear in a way. I guess that’s one way interrogations are so successful.

 

I don’t know how I managed to hold my tongue. Saul told us also that Dantooine had been destroyed, which came as a severe blow to both Bastila and I. If she could have known how close I was to the dark side at that moment, I would have gotten a severe lecture. That tragedy mixed with my revulsion for Saul and my absolute agony at Carth’s torture almost pushed me to the breaking point. But I refused to become a monster like Saul.

 

The interrogation itself was blessedly short, but the torture lasted a long time. After a while, I lost consciousness. I don’t know how long I was out, but when I woke, Bastila informed me that they had continued torturing my body after I had blacked out. Kriffing Sith. Thank the Force I couldn’t feel it any more.

 

Then all we could do was wait. We were all pretty sore, and we didn’t speak much. We were all trying to recover from the pain—both physical and emotional. Bastila commended me that I didn’t break, and Carth told me he understood, but that didn’t change the fact that I’m still feeling guilty—even if it was, and it was, the right thing to do.

 

Thankfully the prison doors opened not too long afterward to reveal Jolee. He released us and the rest of the group. We re-equipped and made a new plan. Carth, Bastila, and I would sneak up to the bridge—the only place where we could open the hangar bay doors to release the Hawk. Canderous would lead the others to the ship, take care of any guards, and have her ready to fly the moment we got back.

 

Getting to the bridge proved more complicated when our escape was discovered. We had to abandon the idea of sneaking to the bridge, and fought our way through the ship’s corridors only to find the bridge on lockdown. Thankfully, we had seen a notice that they were repairing some hull damage right near the bridge.

 

So we took a little EV walk around the outside of the ship and arrived at the bridge that way. Saul had four grenadiers and two Dark Jedi waiting for us there. He refused to listen to reason, and blaster bolts broke out. Is there no one in this galaxy who is interested in a compromise? Maybe it’s just men and their automatic tendency to hack away at anything that comes across their path. The fight was tough, but we made it through in one piece. Saul was downed in the fight, and we all thought him dead. However, I had just turned to the computer to open the hanger doors when Saul coughed and called out to Carth.

 

I’ve never seen Carth look so intense and dangerous as he did as he walked over to the fallen body of his former mentor. To tell the truth, I was afraid for him. You don’t have to be a force-user to turn to the Dark Side. I couldn’t hear what Saul told him, but Carth’s reaction was that of anger. He blasted Saul and turned on Bastila.

 

“It’s true, isn’t it?” he challenged her. “You knew! You knew all along!”

 

“Please,” Bastila begged, “you have to trust me. I’ll explain it all when we’re back on the ship. I promise. I’ll explain to both of you.”

 

I was extremely bewildered, but knew Bastila was right. “We’ve got to keep moving,” I agreed. “Malak will be here any minute. Whatever it is that Saul told you, it can wait until we’re free.”

 

Once the doors were open, we dashed off again. I couldn’t help noticing how stony Carth seemed. He was obviously preoccupied, but at least his training as a soldier let him stay focused. I couldn’t imagine what Saul’s news had been. Something about Dustil, perhaps? But what would Bastila know about that? I couldn’t imagine Bastila as the type to keep secrets. I didn’t really have time to think about it though, for as we raced through the ship, my uneasiness grew. I could feel Malak close by. It was strange how…familiar his presence seemed. I couldn’t remember ever meeting him in person before, but through the Force, it seemed like we had known each other for a long time. I was really not surprised when, all of a sudden, he was right there before us.

 

The doors slid shut and locked behind us. Carth leapt into action, but received only a haughty Force push from the Dark Lord in response. What happened after that is partially a blur to me. Malak greeted me like an old familiar, telling me that he had to see personally if the rumors were true. “And so they are,” he rasped. “Tell me, why did the Jedi spare you?”

 

Confusion filled my mind. “Spare me? What in the galaxy are you talking about?”

 

“You mean, you don’t remember?” Malak gave a terrible laugh, the type that the Sith are so famous for. Then he said—yes, I must write it—he told me that… I am Revan. How when he fired on Revan’s—my—ship during that fateful battle, the Jedi, along with Bastila, pulled me from the wreckage. He told me they used the Force to reprogram my mind and turn me against my own side.

 

My whole body went numb. Even in the recording of this, I feel my hands shaking. A thousand thoughts and images filled my head, and everything fell in place. The weird dreams I have, the sense of déjà-vu that has haunted me during this mission, the warnings and concerns of Bastila and the Jedi Masters…it all suddenly made perfect, chilling sense.

 

I could only stammer a question to Bastila, asking her if it was true.

 

She hung her head. “Yes, it is true.” She told me how she took me from the ruins, barely alive, my mind destroyed. The Jedi Masters healed my mind and body and gave me the chance for a new life. The Jedi don’t believe in killing their prisoners, she told me. They planned to watch and guide me, hoping that given another chance, I’d stay true to the light.

 

I won’t say that my mind didn’t instantly jump to the worst conclusions; that the Council, while saving my life, had only wanted to use me to defeat Malak; that I was completely expendable; that it would have made a lot of tactical sense to take their old enemy and convert them to their side. But then I remembered my time on Dantooine, meeting the very masters who had restored me. It was a discredit to their memory, and a discredit to what it means to be a Jedi, to think that they had only been using me as a pawn.

 

I can barely believe this terrible news, but everything makes such sense now! And I can feel in my heart that it is true. I’m not really Alara Antilles. My true name is Revan. But how can we be the same person? Revan was a monster! She killed thousands of people without a thought, destroyed worlds, and drove families apart. What do you do when you realize that they most hated, most evil and senseless person you can think of turns out to be you?

 

I just can’t wrap my mind around this. I’m not her! She is the opposite of everything I care about. We are completely different! And yet…the dark side calls to me. Remember what Uthar Wynn said? “I can see the dark kernel within you…”

As much as I try to deny it, I am Revan. I am responsible for all this death and evil that has pervaded the galaxy. Somehow, I have to make it up to them—to all the people whose lives have been ruined by my actions.

 

And you know what? I think this mission is it. It’s really about stopping Malak now. If we can stop him and destroy the Star Forge, then the Sith threat will melt away. The only way I can make amends for starting this war is by stopping it.

So that’s where we’re going now. I fought Malak (it’s amazing I’m alive to tell the tale, considering how distraught I was…and am). Carth and I only escaped when Bastila sacrificed herself to offer us that chance. We ran back to the ship and blasted away. The rest of my friends were told the truth, and I feel so grateful that they still trust me. They all accepted me without hesitation. I think they understand—I’m not Revan anymore.

 

There’s only one member of our crew that I’m worried about. Carth took the news so hard. He experienced more than all of us how much of a monster Revan was, even if it was Malak who actually destroyed Telos. I had just gained his trust when suddenly this happened. I hope—oh I hope so much that he won’t hold me accountable! Can’t he see that I’m still me?

 

I mentioned in my last entry that I thought our friendship was becoming deeper every day. When I had to witness his torture, I knew for sure. I love him. But now…I fear that any chance I had of being happy with him has been dashed to pieces. And in a way, that hurts most of all.

 

All I can do is keep on going. We’re on our way to Manaan now. I have to find the last map, find the Star Forge, and rescue Bastila. I feel that the Force is also preparing me for a final showdown with Malak. As much as the discovery of my true identity has the ability to change me, I won’t let it.

 

Revan ruined many other people’s lives. I won’t let her ruin mine.

Edited January 21, 2018 by Guest

[Tiana Calthye]

I remember... I never did play through that part of the game, but I was there... when someone else did.

 

KotOR was a fairly new game back then. We'd only newly gotten it, so I had little idea of the spoilers, but I'd watched my friend play it. And (as you know) I'm cursed to never get more than two star maps... I'd gotten about that far, as had my siblings...

 

But I watched my friend play through on the ship. It was our first time. Mutual first time. We had NO IDEA. I was younger then, too. I was worse at calling plots.

 

Now imagine being with a small group of people watching someone play it who had no idea--none of us had any idea. I mean, we all thought that since Malak was alive, I guess Revan would be the final boss... I'm sure that's what we all believed at that point... we would be fighting Revan by the end... we BELIEVED the history the game handed us... I was a smuggler taken for my skills that I could offer them...

 

And then... BAM. WRONG!

 

That was the best video game plot I have ever been subjected to. It was the most intense scene I've ever watched. All of us just staring... WHAT?! And it made sense too.

 

Thanks for writing it. It reminded me why I keep wanting to finish the game. Good ending line too.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Yeah, it was a great ending line - I really liked it! I, of course, had no clue whose POV it was until you came right out and said it - and I, having never done the game, actually rather appreciated the history dump. Good work!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Thanks!! Tiana, I remember feeling the exact same way when I first played it. I was so shocked!! I honestly couldn't believe it at first. That was such a great plot twist--no one could have ever expected it. At the same time, it's fun to play through it again, knowing the truth, and seeing how many little clues are thrown in during the course of the game.

 

Thanks both of you for your comments. I really enjoyed writing it. And now to finish the game! I just made it to the unknown world...I'm almost there.

[Dartha Athanth]

Whee! Why didn't I see this sooner?

 

Anyway, I love KOTOR! And always finish it.

 

Nice reasoning there behind Revan's decision to continue light.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Thank you Darsha! I really like the last line too. That just popped out, and I thought, Oooh...I like that.

 

It's so fun to see my stuff upped.