Needing You (NSW short story) (Complete)

[Amidala Skywalker]

Alright! I wrote this short story up this afternoon. It's not my best work, and it's only my second draft, so I really want some crit on it. If I clean it up nice I might try to get it published.

 

So, please read and leave me some good crit.

 

((And my goodness! Ami's writing angst!!))

 

***

 

There was a haunted look in her eyes. A deep, impenetrable longing. Her heart was laid bare in that moment, and I saw the desperation that she lived with every day; the reason she laid awake at night, staring at the stars, her soul crying out. She felt so completely and utterly alone. It was an emptiness that gnawed at her soul, her sanity.

 

 

I saw the dark nights, where she huddled in her cramped closet, surrounded by faded stuffed animals and dirty crumpled clothes, trying to shut out the angry voices coming from downstairs. The tears would begin to stream down her cheeks as she clenched her teeth together and desperately tried to think of something””anything””else; but when the screams started, there was nothing in the world that could block out the terrible sounds.

 

I watched her walk down the halls of her high school, head held high, a smile plastered on underneath all of her makeup, surrounded by a crowd of followers. She had worked so hard to be accepted for once in her life, but now that she had achieved what she had striven for, she had found it so superficial. She tried to tell her friends the things she held inside, but there were two inevitable responses: they either didn't listen, or they turned away. Everyone she had ever tried to really talk to had pulled away from her after discovering the darkness that lived in her heart. So she had retreated into herself, never saying anything that meant anything, never letting anyone get close to her, never letting her true self show.

 

I saw her slowly fall farther and farther down the path that she hated to walk, like a black hole slowly but surely dragging her to the point of no return. No longer the popular vixen of high school, she reached out to the only ones who didn't care who you were, or what you had done, because they were the same. It was the first time in her life that she had felt any inkling of acceptance, and it intoxicated her even more than the drugs and alcohol she was saturating her system with.

 

I looked on as she threw herself into the clutches of man after man who cared nothing about her soul, just her body. They made her promises, and she believed them, only to wake up in the morning alone and cold. Every rejection only made her feel worse, but she couldn't stop. She felt that by being intimate physically, there would naturally be a spiritual intimacy too. But every whisper, every stolen kiss, only reminded her how far apart they really were.

 

I was with her that black, rainy midnight when she realized she was pregnant, and I saw her decision to have an abortion. I could see the struggle in her as she forced herself to go to the clinic, and sign the papers, and say yes, she was sure this was what she wanted. And I saw the immeasurable regret that she lived with the rest of her life, the nightmares that haunted her of the innocent life she had chosen to end.

 

I tried to reach out to her, but she ran from me. She didn't listen to my words of comfort. She had been used and lied to her whole life, so why should she trust me? Better not to risk it, I saw her decide. And though it pained me immeasurably to watch her walk away, I knew I couldn't force her to come back to me. It was because I loved her so much that I couldn't make her love me back. So I let her wander, choose her own path, but I never abandoned her.

 

When she finally found someone who was willing to stay with her, she thought she would be happy. I watched the wedding preparations commence, and I saw her throw herself into them with a flurry of activity. She felt that if she could only convince herself that she would be happy, it could become a reality. She was getting married, wasn't she? And weddings were supposed to be happy, right? Wasn't this what she wanted? But the only thing she managed to see was the groom was just as desperate as she.

 

I saw her realize, years later, how she had ended up just like her mother, cowering on the floor under the fists of her husband, her cries falling on his deaf ears. I heard the angry shouts, the same words she had heard from her closet, coming out of her own mouth. I saw her self-loathing as she signed the divorce papers and ruptured the fragile fabric of her own five-year-old daughter's life.

 

Finally, I saw her the night she locked herself in her dingy apartment, torn apart with pain and hopelessness. I heard her cry out as tears poured down her cheeks. "It's not worth it anymore! It never was! Why, why, why was I ever even born? It would have been better that way. I could have been spared all of this”¦Life is not worth living!"

 

I saw the realization come over her of what she had just said, and I saw her pull the knife from the kitchen drawer. I couldn't believe she was going to end it all. I loved her so much”¦but she didn't listen to me as I tried to tell her. She knew she was nothing. She readied herself, the tears dried. Finally, she thought. Finally she could just die and be at peace. There would be no one to mourn her, no one to miss her. Anything would be better than living in this world. She had no doubt where she would end up, but it didn't faze her. Hell couldn't possibly be any worse than her life now.

 

I called her name desperately as she closed her eyes and placed the tip of the knife on her breast. I told her how much I loved her, how I would give anything to be with her. How I would give my own life to save hers. How she looked so beautiful and pure and wonderful to me. How if she would only come to me, I would never abandon her. She would never be lonely again. I told her the things she should have heard from others her whole life.

 

And for the first time in her life, she listened to me. Slowly, she lowered the knife. She was wary, but the tiniest sliver of hope began to trickle through her soul again. "How can you possibly love me? You know what kind of life I've lead." Her voice was full of scorn and malice. "You should hate me, like everyone else." My heart broke as she spoke the words, and I held out my hand, simply telling her that I loved her just as she was. That I had always loved her, and that I didn't care what she had done in the past. That she could start over again as a new person, with me always by her side, and that it wouldn't cost her anything.

 

She could barely believe what I was saying. I saw how much she wanted the words to be true. But they couldn't be. Why would I treat her any differently? If I only knew who she was, she thought...And then I saw her throw the knife away. She rose. A different kind of tears had begun to flow. "If it's true, really true, then”¦I accept. Please, come into my life and never leave me. I know, and you know, what kind of life I've lead. But if you're really willing to put that all aside and give me a clean start, then I believe you."

 

And I took her into my arms. I pulled her close again. ”œI have always loved you, and I always will,”

[Arclight]

conventions are not my specialty, as you can see from my own writing, but I felt the continuity of the story was not compromised by the quotation marks...

 

Overall it was an awesome story... I love how you described an every day occurrence in psychological detail and then ended it rather peacefully...

 

Right now I am House managing for a show that is actually very gloomy, and came from the creative mind of a crazy person who offed herself three days after she wrote it... So I kind of feel an understanding of dark thoughts that go through people's minds...

 

It seemed very realistic to me... and I know this may sound kinda cheesy, but I typically try to be the speaker of this short story... I like to reach out to people who seem alone and give them a friend... So I actually could kinda relate to the story...

 

Also... the theme seems fairly appropriate

[Jedi Kiara]

Wow! Ami that was amazing! I am trying to find the words to describe the way it made me feel. It was devastating seeing what happened to this woman in her life!

 

Am I way off base in suggesting, or I guess... assuming this is a story about the way the Savior sees us? It seemed that way, and it was very touching.

 

Thank you! I hope you can get it published!

[Tiana Calthye]

Ugh, what's there to say? I think my critic died. Maybe it's because I finally found a new fandom... I'm kinda all brains. I've read over this a couple times. I can't really... say much. The quotation marks don't compromise it. I have a few rephrasal opinions, but really, people hate when I do the 'as long as the story' reviews anyway. >< Anyway. My suggestion for the dialogue.

 

And for the first time in her life, she listened to me. Slowly, she lowered the knife. She was wary, but the tiniest sliver of hope began to trickle through her soul again.

 

"How can you possibly love me? You know what kind of life I've lead." Her voice was full of scorn and malice. "You should hate me, like everyone else."

 

My heart broke as she spoke the words, and I held out my hand, simply telling her that I loved her just as she was. That I had always loved her, and that I didn't care what she had done in the past. That she could start over again as a new person, with me always by her side, and that it wouldn't cost her anything.

 

She could barely believe what I was saying. I saw how much she wanted the words to be true. But they couldn't be. Why would I treat her any differently? If I only knew who she was, she thought...

 

And then I saw her throw the knife away. She rose. A different kind of tears had begun to flow. "If it's true, really true, then”¦I accept. Please, come into my life and never leave me. I know, and you know, what kind of life I've lead. But if you're really willing to put that all aside and give me a clean start, then I believe you."

 

The change in paragraphing makes it flow smoother. It's not bad angst. I miss writing angst. Maybe I should kill someone in WTEO. I liked angst. Yeah. Angst. Mmm.

 

Someone should try figure out what my new fandom of choice is. I'll probably never fanfic it, it's not a fanficcable fandom in my humble opinion. But it's shiny angst and epic. My sort of fandom. Mmmhmmm. Yeah. No, really, I don't have much to say. I could nitpick but I'd have to show it by example like above. So take that as my critique. It was pretty good. You should write dark more often.

 

Same question as Kiara. It's a 'Christian' story, yeah? At least, that's how it felt to me, with that kind of 'this is how the Savior sees us' theme. If you weren't going for that, you might want editing. But I'm thinking you were...?

[Amidala Skywalker]

Lol, T. That was an...interesting critique. I'll definately take your advice on the rephrasing. I was iffy about that part anyway, but I like your suggestion.

 

As for writing dark/angst...it's really hard for me. I mean, really hard. That was why my Sith character in the RP turned gray pretty quickly. I just really stink at writing it.

 

You're not off base at all, Kiara. He is my ultimate inspiration. Thanks for reading. You know it means a lot to me!

 

Arclight, thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed it. We need more people in the world like the speaker, don't we?

 

Thanks everyone!

[Tiana Calthye]

Critique? I'm fried right now. That was all I could find. I read it earlier, though, too. Glad to have helped. Even when all brains.

 

My Sith went neutral pretty fast too... well, Tiana started good and went evil and now she's just like, chaotic neutral. Writing dark angst good doesn't mean good at writing evil. I'm going to challenge myself to write a hatable villain on my own time.

 

I think you did good. I guess I didn't attempt to convey that. I do like this. That's why I'm critiqueless.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

That. Was. Really. GREAT!

 

I loved it! Especially the message!

 

I wouldn't presume to critique it. There is nothing I can find wrong with it.

 

You're a Master!