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Appraising Ambition


Darth Furion
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You realize that if you start posting it instead at least you'll get people demanding more if they like it...

 

Welcome to fanfic.

 

Anyway, here's my tips if you go for a finished before posted fic--something I wish I would've done, since I get so distracted when it comes to updating... heh... start reading, start making a name for yourself, and start getting to know other fanficcers. If you're a reader and a reviewer, more people are going to return the favor for you.

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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((I suppose you're right. I guess I should post the first little bit I have, see what you guys think.))

 

Appraising Ambition

 

Chapter I

 

He sighed a bit too heavily, annoyed at his inability to focus himself properly. It was this girl's, this Jedi whore's fault. What would the others think if they knew the mere presence of this Jedi whelp would shake him as such? Let them talk. Few were foolish enough to challenge the Dark Lord's apprentice, and those that were posed no real threat. He had singled out potential threats long before they became a problem. Why did she come? And now of all times! Damned be the marionette behind these strings. He stood from his rested position on the cold stone floor, walking to the window for a change of scenery. Korriban, once known as the renowned threshold of the dark side, was now nothing more than a joke. Those in power rant to the masses of promised power, feeding them handfuls of placebo prophecy. Basic look at one hand, rule with the other policy. The rulers were weak, the masses were weak. The only one worth a damn was the Dark Lord himself, and even he had lost his potency upon attaining what he thought to be the pinnacle of power after killing the old Dark Lord. What little concentrated dark side in the room quelled as the young Jedi awakened. He turned from the window to finally look at her.

 

It soon became evident how long it had been since they had last seen each other. She was as beautiful as ever, her fiery hair falling from her shoulders like fall leaves as she rose from her prone position on the floor. She had a slightly oval face with soft features. She looked so cute in that tight little ball. It took a majority of his will power to avoid kneeling beside her, holding her, telling her it would all be alright. But it was never that easy. She looked around the room, trying to get a hold of the surroundings.

 

”˜Korriban? What the”¦' She whispered to herself, cutting herself short when she felt the ever present disturbance in the force that followed him like a rain cloud. ”˜Derick?'

 

”˜The Dark Lord will be here soon.'

 

”˜Derick! Derick, you're okay! They told me...'

 

”˜What they told you is irrelevant.' he cut her off, his words cutting her deeper than any blade could ever hope to. The air grew heavy with silence, the uncaring hurt in his words reinforcing her sense of foreboding and despair. While she had let her gaze fall to the floor, pained her concern was not return and the risks she took found to be pointless, he remained staring at the prone girl, accustomed to the weight of silence in their years apart.

 

”˜Why have you returned to this place Kaylee?'

 

She barely spoke a whisper, her previous elation quelled when it was not returned. ”˜To find you. I couldn't stay with the Jedi. At first they were kind to me, forgiving my past transgressions and letting me start a new life. But, as time passed I realized that as long as you're alive I can never let my old self die and start over. You were all I had, and you're all I'll ever have. Derick, I”¦I love you, not matter what side we're on. I just hoped that”¦maybe if I told you, you'd give all of this up and run away with me.'

 

He turned to look out the window again. She was so stupid. Did she really think she could just waltz right onto Korriban, convince him to abandon his life goals, and walk away with the Dark Lord's apprentice without anyone raising a fuss? It was the Jedi that did this to her, teaching her the ways of hope no matter the odds.

 

”˜What would you have me do? I am not like the Jedi. They may have forgiven your sins, but I haven't. Have you forgotten so easily?'

 

”˜No Derick, I have not forgotten.' She grew solemn, all hope seemingly lost. Had he forgotten everything they'd went through? Day after day of persecution, night after night of embrace. Two years they had been together, two years had they been apart. Could a man change that much in a year? Or had he always been this way? No, she refused to believe that. He couldn't have forgotten their time together. Two years of passion couldn't be erased by a single mistake, could it? The silence was broken by a gruff chuckle.

 

”˜Hope, and in abundance at that. Let me cut you off before you start. You're surrounded by those who've mastered the dark side, don't know how to pilot a single ship on this planet, and your order likely doesn't know where you are. I doubt they would have sent you, or given you permission to come here, and as such you wouldn't have told anyone. I'm afraid your only hope is convincing me of my deep seeded desire for you, kill the Dark Lord, everyone between us and the hanger, and whisper you away to your precious enclave where the jedi will give us sanctuary until the day we die, or the Sith order hunts me down and orbitally bombards the planet I'm on.'

 

A beaded tear started to build in the corner of her eye. She noticed it before it fell and calmed herself.

 

”˜You always were a fan of dejarik. Putting your pieces in place, looking twenty moves ahead.' She spoke with a righteous, sarcastic tone.

 

”˜Yes, and you were always the flip card to my pazaak deck. What a fitting pair we make.'

 

”˜So, what's the plan? How are the pieces laid out this time, oh mighty Sith lord?'

 

Derick continued to stare blankly out the window, his mind who knows where.

 

”˜The plan? The plan is Marcus comes in, casually telling me I should torture and interrogate you, trying to find out your secrets, even though we both know you don't have any. I'll do so because if I don't, he'll kill me and have someone else do it. When he's satisfied you know nothing, he'll rip apart your mind to double check. He'd normally have me do it, but given our history he'll probably want to look around for some dirt on me while he's in there. He'll undoubtedly find something and hang it over me, keeping me in my place until he finds something better or finds what he would consider to be a more suitable apprentice and has me killed. Meanwhile I'll continue to my attempts at growing my influence, until I could kill him and take his place. You know the game, Kaylee. After all, you were pretty good at playing it yourself back in the day.'

 

More silence. Always the cold, bitter silences as the puppets try to figure how to tug at their own strings to achieve the desired effect.

 

”˜Couldn't we just”¦'

 

”˜Oh save it Kaylee. You know I have no choice in the matter.'

 

”˜But you do Derick! You've always had a choice!'

 

”˜I've never had a choice. Everything has been planned for me from the beginning. My training, my masters, even those I've killed. All set up from the very start.'

 

”˜So”¦you didn't choose me? You didn't want me? You just”¦accepted me with reluctance because that was what had been chosen for you?'

 

He could no longer focus on the stars in the distance. His stare had become blank as he searched within the maze of his own mind for the answer. ”˜No'

 

”˜Listen. I love you Derick. I believe, somewhere within you, there's still love for me.'

 

He wanted to deny it, desired nothing more than to cast this weakness into the darkness, leaving nothing but the Sith he longed to be. But, lying to her now would serve no purpose. Marcus was bound to ask him the very same question, and he could never lie to Marcus well. The only real solution was to tell her the truth, but that would be equally unwise. If she knew he still longed for her, for just a taste of her soft lips, the lips that haunt his dreams to this day, then her resolve would grow stronger in her hopes to free him from his shackled life to the order. She wouldn't bend or break as easily. He'd have to torture her more and more, killing himself inside with every passing moment. No, it was best to say nothing, and hope Marcus didn't bring it up. As the reoccurring silence dragged on, she spoke up, this time not with a righteous goal behind her voice, but with pain and sadness.

 

”˜Are you really willing to sacrifice all that is good within you to become Dark Lord?'

 

He turned from the window, staring deeply into the deep green eyes he'd fallen trap to so many times before. A single tear fell from her cheek, enough to tear his soul to shreds.

 

”˜Yes'

 

((This is only the first chapter, and I'm not sure it's complete yet. I'd like your imput on the rough draft thus far.))

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hmmm. I sense an RPer in you. There's a few minute mistakes. Commas forgotten when someone's addressed, that's about it. Your style of description feels a lot like the people I've RPed with, though. It has that kind of ring. Very single-perspective. I like that in a story, taking one person's point of view and rolling with it. Your writing really shines through this. It's epic. Good description, short dialogue that carries things forward. You started in the middle of something instead of boring your readers.

 

I'd want more. I'd read more. The interaction could be smoother, kinda feels like video game dialogue... but it's still really, really good. With proofreading, I could see reading this in a magazine or something. The right sort of writing to be a fantasy/sci-fi novel. Simple. Angsty. Exciting. The potential to be really, really epic. Conflict right at the start.

 

Just get those little proofreading mistakes and you'll have a top-notch fanfic. More is definately, definately welcomed!

spsig.jpg

Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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^ Well that's the nit picky

 

I like the potential this story has,

 

 

((Watching Twenty20 - please forgive me, the crowd is amazing))

 

So yes the potential, you head straight into the action and already without major exposition you have told us some deep stuff about your characters, their backgrounds and their passions. Really well done for that. The start really has invited the readers in and got them wanting more... well it's got me wanting more.

 

((OMG RUNOUT IN THE FIRST OVER!!! NAT HOW AWESOME WAS THAT?? Sehwag with a duck LMAO!!!))

 

It's not so much the style of writing more the interaction that the characters have. And it sounds like a great story, like a Romeo and Juliet Star Wars style. Although I do agree that there could be a bit more of a "smoother interaction" between the characters, to me it kind of reminds me of a high school production, where the characters are just going through motions.

 

((CAUGHT!!!! And it's only the 2nd over, they are going down))

 

((BOWLED!!! 3/20))

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I'm not a nitpick, I was responding to a request for a critique.

 

Although I do agree that there could be a bit more of a "smoother interaction" between the characters, to me it kind of reminds me of a high school production, where the characters are just going through motions.

That about sums up what I was trying to say about the interaction. Video game, that was my analogy. They're just saying things to get to the action. I love the style of writing, the fact that it's strongly POV oriented gave me a feel for the characters right away.

 

A lot of potential here. Update, please!

 

(discussion! Yay! ACTIVITY! YAY!)

spsig.jpg

Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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Nice start! Not to sound redundant, but this has tons of potential! I really enjoyed the first part. I agree it seemed a bit disjointed in places with the dialogue, and your first paragraph needs some grammatical corrections.

 

I could see you taking this far. I like how you dropped us in the middle of it, so that the past history between all of these characters will be revealed in time. I'm already wondering what this big mistake Kaylee made is...

 

Good work, and great idea. I'd love to see more.

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SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone!
There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person.
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I'm not a nitpick, I was responding to a request for a critique.

 

nitpick - critique, it's all the same in my language.

 

so when do we get the next update?? You already got a few readers hooked, that's a good start.

Critique helps a writer. "Yay, good story" doesn't. You may not want critique, in which case, say so and I won't give it, but that's not going to stop me from being a 'nitpick' to people who have asked for it or otherwise indicated they prefer such reviews.

 

 

And yes, more please.

spsig.jpg

Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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I second everything Tiana says, with an addendum: this is certainly starting in the middle of a story. My guess is that this is either a flashback or a flash-forward, with flashback being more likely because of the line "the lips that haunt his dreams to this day..."

 

But yeah, watch your tenses, and I'll be watching this story.

ttfsig14zh2.jpg

 

"According to this website, you should never trust the source of an online quote." --Abraham Lincoln

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And so the crowd demands more. All I needed to hear.

 

Thanks a lot for all the feedback. I'll get to work on the next part, along with a revision of the first. Hopefully the dialog will flow more naturally the second time around.

We're demanding MORE, not a revisitation. Mooooore. Moooooooooooore. (flail)

 

Look, you've got how many reviews from one post. You have attention. Feed us.

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Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that.
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Once you've hooked you're readers, you gotta reel them in.

 

Rulz is Rulz, Macca.

 

Although, a good plan is to always be 2 steps ahead of you're posts. Have something written in advance, then when you come to post it, you can proof read it beforehand and make changes before getting it Critted here.

 

It's always a good idea to proof read you're story a day or two (or more) later, when you have a clear head and can just sit there and read it as if you were one of your readers. WARNING: this process can incur heavy editing.

 

I'm having that problem with A New Rope and As Our Paths Cross at the moment, I'm reading them a couple of years after I've written them and OMG!!!! are there some major errors in them.

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  • 1 month later...

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