Star Wars: Where The Eyes Open (WUT)

[Obi-here]

First comment!

 

Awesome, awesome scene, Tiana. I love this story more with every update.

 

It couldn't be.

 

But it was.

 

THOSE are the two best sentences I've read all day. I've been waiting to finally get to this conversation between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, and I can't tell you how epic I thought it was. Probably my favorite section out of the whole story so far.

 

So, is it too early to start hounding you for another update?

[Amidala Skywalker]

Awesome!

 

I loved it T! As Obi said, we've all been waiting for this scene between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, and you pulled it off very well.

 

There was no possible way. But somehow, somehow there was. Somehow, Obi-Wan found himself face to face with the teacher he knew to be dead.

 

He fought with himself to not stare””to not gape, to not fling his arms around this Qui-Gon and cling to him, crying for the father he thought lost.

 

I love this part, as well as this part:

 

Obi-Wan still tried thinking of them as Jedi, but every time someone spoke, it reminded him over and over again. These were Sith. They had to be Sith. But they didn't act like the Sith Obi-Wan knew””red with black tattoos and crimson lightsabers and black leather and amber eyes”¦

 

”¦That killed Qui-Gon.

 

”¦That never spoke a word in the heated battle, even when Obi-Wan succumbed to his anger and impaled the Sith, and then carved his body in half.

 

”¦That had killed Qui-Gon.

 

Who was speaking with him now.

 

Very nice job with Obi-Wan's emotions. I think you have him down really well.

 

My only crit came with the second part of this section. It seemed almost too disjointed, and his answers were strange. Yeah, he's trying to reconcile what's going on, realizing that he's in a different dimension, and protect his own, but some of the things I didn't really get. Maybe because it's AU. Like this:

 

In his own Temple, there wasn't such an expectation of trust.

 

...

 

”œIt's in our nature to fight,”

[Tiana Calthye]

La de da, review replying time... someone post after this so I can update next week or something...

 

I love this story more with every update.

Good for you. I'm fairly sure you guys are all going to hate me when things start happening, though.

 

Probably my favorite section out of the whole story so far.

Yay, good for you. I'm glad you liked it.

 

So, is it too early to start hounding you for another update?

Feel free, I hate double posting.

 

 

As Obi said, we've all been waiting for this scene between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon, and you pulled it off very well.

Yeah, well, I spent hours agonizing over editing this scene to make it work right. >< It better be good. Yeah, I likely should edit stuff more before posting. But I don't. Oh well.

 

and protect his own

I should shut up because chapter ten starts explaining things better. But meh.

 

Currently, my AU Obi-Wan is in a kind of dazed state. He just ran into a Master he thought was dead, realized the universe is full of Sith and is getting interrogated about his own universe, entirely and utterly aware that this universe is full of Sith and can dimension hop and probably at will crush everyone in his universe into oblivion if he does or says anything to misstep, which will thus cause chaos, calamity, and everything nonJedilike. His disjointed, out of character answers are as best he can come up with to protect and defend his home dimension while still trying to pretend to be Anochece. He's trying desperately to guard his thoughts from being heard where most of the time, Sith can hear anything in italics.

 

Hence the underdog line. Anyway, this one's due to personal interpetation. I may see the Jedi differently than you, but I see, trying to look at them from an outsider's quick view, a race... a group of people... who've lied to themselves for a very long time, who are desperate to win and convince themselves that what they're doing is protecting the galaxy. But it's not just the Jedi he's referring to there, but the clones and everyone on the Republic's side, everyone on all the sides. They're all fighting and clamoring for the top. Everyone involved in the war.

 

For someone who's been there presumably once, that's what's going to be seen. Not the peacekeepers. Not the Jedi. Because these Sith know nothing about the Jedi.

 

It's going to be a few factions, desperate to not lose.

 

Obi-Wan's line is in character as Anochece, as best as he can, to protect his galaxy from a race of Sith he doesn't know.

 

So yeah. My justification. You'd all best get used to that because for the next few chapters, Obi's doing his best to pretend to be Anochece and to protect his galaxy, as any true Jedi should do. If that means spitting out lies and erroneous observations, well, then that's what it means.

 

I should have likely made it clearer that he's trying to keep his cover.

[Obi-here]

Oh, he's trying to keep his cover. I'd be, too. But with more profanities in the dialogue.

 

Here's that post so that you don't have to double post.

 

Oh...and, Tiana. We have to talk about this "not letting WtEO up for nominations" crap. Do you have any idea how pissed I am at you? Here's my favorite story of the whole damn year and I can't even nominate it. THAT SUCKS.

 

Stands over in corner and whispers profanities to himself.

[Amidala Skywalker]

*tsk tsk* Swearing is a nasty habit, Obi-here-and-gone.

 

I understand your justification, T. I think you summed it up best in your last sentence--that you maybe should have made it clearer that he was covering it up. I think you played his confusion up more than his determination to protect his own dimension, so it seemed more like he was so confused he was just answering the questions without thinking about it.

 

Which of course, isn't really Obi-Wan. But yeah.

 

 

Now you really have no occasion to double post. Hope you're happy.

[Zero]

Can't wait for Chapter 10!

[Amidala Skywalker]

Since you're on, don't you want to give us Chapter 10??

 

Pretty please?

 

Oh, and I thought you'd like to know...I spent the past two days reading that fic you recommended--The Water's Edge. It was very good. I liked it alot. I must say, I haven't read anything with Xanatos in it for a long time, and I really enjoyed seeing him as a good character. While I didn't like the mental state of Obi-Wan in the beginning, I loved seeing him heal and become the Jedi Master we all know and love in Ep. IV.

[Tiana Calthye]

The rest of chapter nine, NOT chapter ten, not yet. Chapter ten is one long chapter, not two scenes like the rest... I really like it, actually, though you guys will probably be overwhelmed by the voice state again. And I'm have a lot of difficulty with chapter eleven. I have a scene I HAVE to write coming up. I've plotted out the story past this point, and quite frankly, it's BLOODY HARD TO WRITE THIS SCENE.

 

A couple of them are really hard, actually.

 

Mmmhmmmm.

 

Oh...and, Tiana. We have to talk about this "not letting WtEO up for nominations" crap. Do you have any idea how pissed I am at you? Here's my favorite story of the whole damn year and I can't even nominate it. THAT SUCKS

I didn't want it nominated. I know it's one of the best stories this year. (eyes fanfollowing) But it's nowhere near done, you guys will all HATE ME WHEN IT'S DONE... half of me wants to turn it into a manga or a graphic novel or something because honestly, I want visuals so much more than this... um... end rant.

 

You can nominate all you want, I just won't accept awards.

 

Also, stop swearing at me, please? It won't change my mind, it'll just make me more likely to refuse any awards for this story EVER. MWHAHA.

 

Anyway.

 

I understand your justification, T. I think you summed it up best in your last sentence--that you maybe should have made it clearer that he was covering it up.

Aye, my own flaw and I admit it and accept the criticism. As you all know, I'm posting this without a beta reader which is why the long terms between updates, generally... it's me reading it myself.

 

Can't wait for Chapter 10!

Since you're on, don't you want to give us Chapter 10??

No, because chapter nine isn't finished yet.

 

And I'm glad to see someone else read and liked The Water's Edge. That beginning haunted me and shaped my writing for years, though, so I must say though I find it un-Obi, I find it very intense. It's a great pre-RotS RotS era fic. I loved watching him heal. The one scene with him and Qui-Gon...

 

Well, quite frankly, this story isn't a thing like it. AHAHA. But it definately inspired it.

 

Now that I've posted a rant likely longer than my update's going to be...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

<><><><><>

 

 

 

 

 

Here.

 

We hover behind her, because she is our Empress. We watch. We guard.

 

Always.

 

We watch.

 

No one asked the questions. Everyone knew. Everyone knew that the Empress would give an inspirational speech. If any handmaidens knew any further, they did not speak. And of course some knew further. Padmé knew””she knew she was trusted. They all knew they were trusted.

 

They wouldn't be in her Highness's personal chambers if they were not trusted.

 

Padmé knew she wouldn't carry a diary with her if she was not trusted.

 

But there were some things you didn't write. Some things you couldn't afford to take note of. So instead, like the other four, she stood. Guards were not permitted here””none of the Sith warriors who took guard in the palace, none of the Echani fighters, no one but the handmaidens of her Highness.

 

And here, the Empress was at ease. No servants aided her as she guided a brush patiently through her locks of hair. No handmaiden dared offer to brush her hair for her, or to even fetch her shoes. The Empress was a confident woman””dependant on what? Herself?

 

You wonder”¦

 

”¦What secrets they hold”¦

 

And Padmé watched.

 

The watcher. Watched as she set the ivory handled brush down.

 

Watched as the Empress's pale fingers glided across her gilded stand, fingers lingering until at long last she raised a tube of lipgloss, opened it with a twist of perfect fingers.

 

She trusts us to not have poisoned it.

 

That.

 

That is Tavell's job. Even if the Empress were to die by our hands, a Sith would rise and kill us.

 

They say we could fight a Sith. Perhaps we could. But could we fight a galaxy, if we were to take their Empress from them?

 

Trust.

 

It was unspoken. But was it true trust?

 

Clear gloss. It painted her already pink lips a deeper shade, making them gleam. Outside, the sun was strong. Light overhead. It was a crisp day, one of those days where Padmé dreamed of a world where there was water and sun and she could lie on a beach and simply gaze at the glistening water. If the water were enough for her, and surely it would be, though she admitted secretly at nights she longed not only for that crystal ocean, but someone to join her there, to hold her hand as she gazed into the brilliance of an ocean she had never yet found.

 

Perhaps. If she did not die in the line of duty. If she did not die serving her Empress. If ever a place was found untouched by the wars, where she could be at such a peace.

 

From lipgloss to powder once more, to touch up those places on her flawless ivory skin”¦

 

Instead of an ocean, I must settle for always gazing at my Empress.

 

If only it was the same.

 

And then the Empress set down her makeup. The last of the makeup. She wore a gown that brushed the floor, a thin, spider-silk that glistened. Pale blue. Like the waters of a shallow lake, crisp and clear all the way through. Her makeup was minimal. None of the darkness of a Sith. Hair gathered back, but it still fell in strands around her shoulders.

 

Diaphanous fabric. Gaussian strands. And her handmaidens remained in their cloned outfits, helmets set aside for now””but not when they left, only when they left the room would they don their obscuring goggles and once again be nothing more than the Empress's dolls.

 

The Empress smiled. ”œHow do I look?”

[Amidala Skywalker]

You're right. That was a short update. But good. And confusing!

 

I'm loving this story so much.

 

This section. Seemed a bit. Choppy. You know. Like this. I know it's. Your style. But this section was a bit...too choppy. In parts.

 

She trusts us to not have poisoned it.

 

That.

 

That is Tavell's job.

 

That's just one example. I do like this style you have, but sometimes I think it goes a bit...overboard? Anyway, good work.

 

And I LOVE the piccies! The first one was my favorite of the two. You totally should do a graphic novel version of this fic---AFTER IT'S DONE! I want you to finish it like this first!

 

Good luck on writing the scene in ch. 11 that's causing you all the difficulty. I know you'll do spectacularly.

[Tiana Calthye]

Yeah, I admit it was too choppy in parts but there's a few reasons. (beyond the 'hey, I posted because you said so, I haven't read over this at all' excuse)

 

1) Padme's stream-of-consciousing and who thinks clearly when stream-of-consciousing anyway? Not narratably, anyway!

2) I have a REASON for this! Stupid. Style... ASPLODE. And I explained it in PM.

 

I really wish I could post this story without the review breaks. Maybe I will, when it's done. It's a story that will require rereading because I plant things in the chaos... foreshadowing. Mmhmmm.

 

Chapter 11's giving me heck because no one likes how I write Yoda and the further chapters are giving me heck because, uh... >< (whistles)

 

I wonder if graphic novel fanfics are legal...

[Amidala Skywalker]

Last time I checked, you were the one with all the power, T.

 

I will MAKE IT legal!

 

*shivers with anticipation* I LOVE foreshadowing. I simply adore it...

[Jedi Kiara]

I know it's one of the best stories this year.

A bit cocky aren't we?

 

Well I finished reading your story last night but I was too tired to comment, so I am doing it now.

 

This is an interesting fic, certainly different than many others I have read. I am not sure I understand it very well, but I guess it's supposed to be that way at this point. I think you write well, and you do good on describing what is happening. But I think you need to work a little bit on characterization. Just a little bit more. I am trying to figure out what I mean... all's I can say is I don't really feel like I am in the story, I feel more like I am just watching. Maybe you could add a few scenes that are not necessarily plot builders, but a little more down time when we get to know the characters a bit better. It just feels like it's constantly shifting from one scene to the next, before we get a real chance to feel it.

 

Also... isn't there supposed to be only two Sith... never more, never less? Do you think what you mean is Dark Jedi? If you wanted to be more technical I guess. But it's not a big deal.

 

Anyway, overall I do think it is pretty good, despite the crits. And I realize this is just a fanfic, but I see fanfics as a way for more serious writers to practice writing real stuff. That is why I wanted to give you my honest opinion.

 

So keep what I said in mind, and keep writing! I do think you show real promise!

[Amidala Skywalker]

*sees Kiara and tries to hold her in place with the Force* I liiiiiiike seeing you around again!!!

 

And I like how you can put things into words that I see but can't put my finger on, too.

 

So T, that makes more sense now that you explained it all to me. In that case, just focus on tightening down on this style more. The key is to have the style without sacrificing the story making sense.

 

...Of course, when I've read Faulkner sometimes it doesn't make sense to me...

[Tiana Calthye]

(apologies for the review/replies rant. There's an update in this post too, relax. I've edited out some of my ranting, I was pretty stressed out earlier.)

 

I LOVE foreshadowing.

 

So do I. It was one of my Nanowrimo challenges, to foreshadow stuff and figure out what it was foreshadowing later. XP HEY IT WORKED TOO.

 

And Kiara. Firstly, welcome back to Jedi.net. I have listened to your critique, as I do with everyone else's (I appreciate outside opinions since I, as most writers do, hate my own writing), and hence, some explanation and ranting on my part.

 

A bit cocky aren't we?

I hate my writing. I've just been told by countless... okay, well, about... (glances back) Three or four people... that it's one of the best stories this year. There hasn't been much, it's definately not hard for me to fill THAT gap.

 

I am not sure I understand it very well

>.> You will. Maybe. Well, at least, I'm doing my best to make sure everything makes sense by the end.

 

I feel more like I am just watching.

I KNOW this is meant as a negative critique, but actually, thank you. It means I achieved my goal of a feeling. An explanation: as a writer, I started by writing characterization. I obsessed over writing point of view scenes and, dammit, I got GOOD at it too. At least for what I was writing then. I was capable of role-playing, believably, more than one fanfic character, and got to a point where, I have to say, my writing was degrading because I was only writing point of view and when I wasn't role-playing my own characters, where I wasn't writing characterization, my writing was crap. I had to stop writing only characterization and HAD to start conveying stories without my old standby tools. So I started writing script. Learned to show things as an onlooker. Then started writing third person limited again. This story was an experiment, all the way. Everything you guys say to me about this story gets applied to On The Edge. Not so much here because here is for my experimenting. But understand, your reviews and comments are making my original novel so much more better!

 

Maybe you could add a few scenes that are not necessarily plot builders, but a little more down time when we get to know the characters a bit better.

You know, you're the opposite of me, I thought there was too much downtime up there. Too much time sitting and building up. I prefer when a story jumps right into the action, and maybe that's the difference...

 

It just feels like it's constantly shifting from one scene to the next, before we get a real chance to feel it.

Because I'm writing it invisioning it as a movie. I really do love visual storytelling. And yes, yes, it is.

 

But I mean, in all seriousness, who wants to read ten page long chapters about Padme just talking with her fellow handmaidens? People want to read exciting things. So I'm not sure how to 'fix this flaw'. No way I'm going back, I can't change the story voice, I'm not editing because all of you want different changes.

 

but I see fanfics as a way for more serious writers to practice writing real stuff.

That's the only reason I'm writing it. Because it gives me a way to try things out on the public before sticking them in my baby. (hugs novels) =P

 

Also... isn't there supposed to be only two Sith... never more, never less? Do you think what you mean is Dark Jedi?

I've been waiting for this. A looooooong time. I expected it to be brought up ages ago. MINOR SPOILER WARNINGS. No, I do not mean Dark Jedi. Anochece's universe is an alternate dimension where, a thousand years ago or something, the Sith Order (I have no idea how long ago the KotOR universe existed, I know the Darth title didn't exist back then, but there were a lot more 'dark Force users') killed off all the Jedi on Naboo, leaving Naboo as a wreck. Of the remaining Force users in the galaxy, they elected to build the 'Sith Order' since all the Temples and everything had been destroyed in the huge war. Thus the rule of two doesn't exist because... oh wait, those are spoilers. Yes, I kept this in mind. This isn't the Sith Order as you know it. It's a lot more like the Jedi Order because it's actually based on... OH CRAP MORE SPOILERS. ^_^

 

 

The key is to have the style without sacrificing the story making sense.

Why am I posting this when my readers don't like it, anyway? =(

 

Anyway, to my critics. I love criticism, but if you're going to tear it apart--which is fine--I'd ask that rather than a 'this is good' to go with it, find something specific I'm doing right too, to balance it out. It's hard to take either of you seriously when you come up with all the wrongs and then a general 'this is a good fic though'. It feels like attempting to sugar coat a cricism. Just remove the 'this is good' and be negative or try finding some actual GOOD things so I know what I'm doing right, since evidently I'm not doing anything right except writing. Obi-here's review, back there when I posted the Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan scene, was possibly the best review I've ever received because it cheered me up and told me what I did right with that scene. I'm just saying this because I like all the criticism, it makes me happy because I got so frustrated when I was just getting 'YAY!' comments. But I need to know specifically what you think is RIGHT too, because if I'm just trying to fix all the negative, I always ruin all the positive factors because I get very, very obsessive over my writing and 'fixing it' since I focus on fixing what you guys tell me to. And I do try. I just tend to lose what I do right since no one tells me specifically what's right, they just say what's wrong--and I take that as a 'nothing's really right with it, it's just subpar, must fix'. Don't sugar coat me. Give me a specific 'this was good because' just like you do to for the 'this was bad because'. Both ways help.

 

I'm horribly depressed due to bad insomnia over the last few nights and I can't even write during those times because I'm obsessing over how nothing I'm writing's right so it's not worth the time anyway. So, serious apologies. None of this is personal, I still love both you guys, I'm just stressed because no one tells me specifically what's good.

 

 

Long update time!

 

 

 

 

 

-Chapter Ten-

”œDoes anyone know who recorded the battle of Naboo? Does anyone care? We have records of a battle that no one lived to later tell the tale, but here, look, someone told the tale! It's in my history book! So who the hell put it there?!”

[Zero]

I'm confused. Did he just pass a crystal through the glass?

 

Also, I didn't like how you prefaced the dialog like a script.

[Tiana Calthye]

Did he just pass a crystal through the glass?

Yep.

 

I did the script thing because Obi-Wan was focusing and I still needed to indicate who was talking when he wouldn't be thinking about it consciously.

 

EDIT: Two pages! Impressive! ^_^ The chapter ten update's on the last page, though.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Yes!!!! This is by far your best chapter so far!!! Very good work.

 

 

Okay, specific points:

 

It was an exhibit.

 

It hit Obi-Wan hard.

 

Bam! Great wording, nice way to hit us hard with it too.

 

The Jedi Order. His Order. His family, his home, his friends and allies. Gutted. The carcasses, remains left on display for tourists to gaze at in awe and wonder at the restoration abilities of historians. Look, the old robe design! We've recreated the pattern for you to wonder at! Look! A lightsaber hilt. No, don't worry, it doesn't work.

 

The "gutted" part was so unexpected. Very nice job, contrasting Obi-Wan's emotions with the harsh sterility of a museum. I love your "museum plaque" descriptions throughout this whole section. It's perfect for contrast to what Obi-Wan is feeling, and makes it seem more...realistic almost. Very nice.

 

We annihilated the Jedi Order.

 

Now we're going to gloat.

 

Wow...very sharp, hard-hitting statement; perfect for this section.

 

His hands were shaking and he had to breathe carefully to keep that down, to keep his fingers still, to keep nothing in his physical nature from betraying his own trepidation. It reminded him: we're mortal. The Jedi Order is mortal.

 

The Jedi weren't infallible. Certainly, he reminded himself. Certainly they didn't think of themselves as such! They were down to earth, protecting the galaxy! Not like these”¦

 

”¦Sith.

 

He knew so little about these Sith.

 

I think you did a good job on Obi-Wan's character throughout not only this quoted part, but the whole chapter. There were only a few things that I found kinda odd, but then, we look at the character differently. I like the words you chose to capture what he's feeling, and you did it very skillfully.

 

Oh, don't worry! exclaimed the little signs with their warnings. Don't worry. The lightsaber doesn't work. But please don't touch. Please don't touch the plastisteel”¦ don't leave fingerprints, don't stand on the boxes, don't set your children on top of the exhibits for photographs.

 

”¦Don't feed the rancor”¦

 

Lol...I love this part.

 

”œMagnificent, isn't it?”

[Tiana Calthye]

(snrks) One of the things I edited out was a rant about how I liked this chapter but no one else would. I'm sorry for ranting at you guys.

 

I can't remember if he has his lightsaber on him in the first place.

Ummm... where did I put it...

 

Oh, yes, here.

 

"He frowned and buckled the belt around the black cotton tunic, wondering where Anakin had found the nerve to steal his Master's lightsaber. He had always known the boy was brash, but not that brash."

 

Obi-Wan is without his lightsaber. There's the quote back. Obi-Wan was getting dressed after waking up as Anochece, and couldn't find his lightsaber. You see, he crossed over in the night, when sleeping, and wasn't fully clothed at that point. (cough cough) And hence his lightsaber didn't come with him. I can also point back at the Anochece chapter, where he was using Kenobi's lightsaber. Maybe I didn't specify that? Oh well, the next chapter lables it as 'Kenobi's lightsaber'.

 

This chapter was one I edited, after reading your former comments, so I've been hoping it'd come across better. I added a few things, merged some sentences, just some tiny edits to try make the voice better. I'll remove the 'script' tags if say, one more reader agrees they were unnecessary and that you can tell who's speaking without them.

 

It's perfect for contrast to what Obi-Wan is feeling, and makes it seem more...realistic almost.

Which is an attempt to respond to the 'make it more personal' review of Kiara's. As I said. This chapter got some editing. I figure I might as well point out how I apply my reviews.

 

Now I feel like I'm in suspense.

Buwhahahahaha.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Well, whatever you did to make this chapter better, keep doing it. It worked.

 

Ah...so he is lightsaber-less....interesting...

 

Now I feel like I'm in suspense.

 

Buwhahahahaha.

 

Meanie.

[Jedi Kiara]

What the...

 

I thought I posted on this story yesterday but my post is no where to be seen! I spent a good amount of time on that post too. I was trying to post a few things I liked about your story and it was a stinking long post! I am sorry but I just don't have the energy or brain power to post it again just yet. Me and my baby have both been sick this week. It's been a real nasty flu... I should have gotten the shot... aw well.

 

I'll try to get back to this in a few days when I have a brain again.

[Tiana Calthye]

Sithspit... I know how you feel, both ways. I've lost hugely long posts, and I can make some REALLY long ones, and Jedi.net knows it... you're forgiven. And the sick thing, understood too. Personally, I can't walk right now let alone think to add BBC code to a post... let alone figure out where I was when I left for YQ... I know I finished chapter eleven and started chapter twelve but I can't remember what happened. Haha. Tommorow, maybe.

[Jedi Kiara]

Ok, I am going to make a second attempt at posting my likes. I agree with what you said, and you made a good point. I guess I just figured enough people had already raved about the good stuff, so I added crits to balance it out. But it's not fair because there are things I liked and I did not specify. So I'll do so now. I'm too lazy to go back over the whole story, so I'll just do it about the current post.

 

 

-Chapter Ten-

”œDoes anyone know who recorded the battle of Naboo? Does anyone care? We have records of a battle that no one lived to later tell the tale, but here, look, someone told the tale! It's in my history book! So who the hell put it there?!”

[Ethro Brealis]

Okay.. I'm not even going to try to critique this, although at risk of sounding like a parrot, the colons are unecessary. Actually, for what it's worth, I didn't even notice them when I was reading.

 

A note on sending the crystal through the glass- HOW TRUE!!! I've thoughyt of things like that for so long, because the fact remains that 99.999999999999999999999 percent of what we see as matter is actually empty space. Considering a single molecule: if the nucleus was a single marble sitting in the center of a baseball stadium, the electrons are grains of dust whirling through the stands. And that's a single molecule! When they're in substances, they aren't really close to each other. Only electromatic charges gives matter its substance properties.

 

[/science]

 

So, yeah, I loved that part.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Wow! I have to admit, I'm still slightly confused, but I'm beginning to get what's going on.

 

I don't really feel like I can presume to critique your writing, because you are so much better of a writer than me that any advice I would give would probably be detrimental. You're a Master, and I'm still just a Padawan.

 

Not that I can find anything bad to say about it anyway. I guess if there was anything, i'd say that the story isn't getting clearer quite fast enough, but I'm a fairly impatient, easily frustrated person. And I'm still interested in finding out what's next, so you haven't lost my type of audience.

 

I am sad that lightsabers are no longer in style, but that's just because I like them an awful lot and it doesn't really have any bearing on the quality of your work.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Welcome to FanFic, Anakin!!! It's always great to get new faces around here! There are some great stories on here, and I'm sure you'll fit right in! Welcome again! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!

 

So Tiana....where is more of this story? You PROMISED you'd finish it. It's almost been a month since we've had an update!

[Jedi Kiara]

Yeah, what's the deal? Since my last post, you haven't posted. I am beginning to think I scared you away! Please keep posting!

[Tiana Calthye]

Every sentence in this group was an incomplete sentence! You build up the sentence, but then you leave the point of it hanging.You have to say something like: He spotted a holocron ””one that surely didn't work, or the Sith never would've left it in the flimsy plastisteel case.

 

As opposed to:

 

A holocron here””one that surely didn't work, or the Sith never would've left it in the flimsy plastisteel case.

 

Do you see how it leaves it hanging? I know that you were just describing the way he was seeing the scene, but you can't break basic rules of writing in order to achieve it. That's my two cents anyway.

Good. I entirely and completely and utterly disagree with you. This is why: there are no rules in writing and art, I'm aware I'm writing fragments and I'm CHOSING to put them there for a reason. Sure, I see that it's an "incomplete sentence". I also see that if I had written the paragraph in PROPER SENTENCES it would've been the most UGLY, CLUNKY, DISGUSTING THING TO READ. I'm quite passionate about my belief: good writing breaks the rules and breaks them right. That was not a misplaced incomplete sentence. That was one placed in the right spot: in the middle of a stream of conscious narration where putting "he saw a" in front of every sentence would've destroyed the feel I was going for. You can criticize my fragment sentences all you want, but be aware I will not change them.

 

I am beginning to think I scared you away!

You didn't. I can take what I give. I just don't have a buffer. This update's going to be really short. I can't post what all I have left--I have the rest of chapter eleven, unfortunately the scene switch point is really bad and I would've preferred posting it all, but I only have one short scene in chapter twelve done. I'm at a point where I'm being finicky and irritated because I'm not sure of my direction anymore. I mean, I know specifically what's going to happen right now. But I wrote a scene a little while back that indicated the Jedi had a Sith hostage in the AU world and I can't remember who the Sith was supposed to be. XP And that's screwing me over so badly because I need to go back to AU Yoda and Morthain. ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS?

 

That's really all that's holding me back. (dies) Well, that, and a couple crappy scenes that I have to write to get to where I'm going.

 

You PROMISED you'd finish it.

And that's the only reason I'm still writing it. Honestly, finishing something means a lot to me since I've never done it. I just didn't... promise... how FAST I would finish it.

 

I am sad that lightsabers are no longer in style

There's still lightsabers in the story, just not that many. Welcome to Jedi.net. Glad you joined.

 

Sorry for the really short update, all. Someone flood me with a list of Sith who I could use as a captive to try get information out of. Too bad Mara's too young... she'd be fun here, and I'm not confident writing Palpy... maybe I'll go with Palpy... XP Anyway, the rest of chapter 11's a pretty good update, actually. I'll post it after I finish chapter 12. I like my update buffer. O_o''

 

<><><>

 

 

-Chapter Eleven-

”œI was desperate.”

[Ethro Brealis]

Tiana, you may very well be on your way to making me loathe you intensely. A 277-WORD UPDATE AFTER WAITING A MONTH?! That's just cruel!

 

jk jk jk jk jk jk jk jk jk jk jk

 

You didn't take that seriously, did you?

 

I can feel proud of myself for this, though: I figured out what it is. It's Anochese or whatever (dark Obi-Wan) trying to fit in among the Jedi. Right?

 

I'm too sleep-deprived to say anything coherent. Keep writing.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Well...it was something. I guess I should be happy.

 

I am glad you updated, no matter how short it was. As always, I very much enjoyed it. Maybe I should go back and try to get in the flow of the story again.

 

I'm quite passionate about my belief: good writing breaks the rules and breaks them right.

 

And there I disagree with you as well. And I wonder if I should be insulted. If it works for you, fine. But it's not true with all good writing everywhere. That I firmly believe. I like your writing a lot, but I could never do it, and if I tried to do it, it would drive me crazy.

 

More please?

[Tiana Calthye]

If it works for you, fine. But it's not true with all good writing everywhere. That I firmly believe. I like your writing a lot, but I could never do it, and if I tried to do it, it would drive me crazy.

Ah, sorry. I missed a word.

 

"Good writing CAN break the rules".

 

Be insulted if you want. But.

 

I didn't mean it has to break the rules. I personally love seeing people break the rules: I love fragments, I guess that should be a fact by now. I definately invite you all to read my favorite novels. Finder by Emma Bull. Nightwatch by Terry Prachett. And Feet of Clay and so many others. And look at his writing as if it wasn't satire and you'll see what I base my style on, maybe...

 

I couldn't write like Tolkien or Herbert. It would drive me crazy. This voice comes very naturally for me. I don't expect it to for someone else.

 

I don't expect it for you.

 

I just mean that a good writer can break rules and break them right. Not that a good writer WILL ALWAYS.

 

Right?

>.>

 

That's just cruel!

I know. Reread the story? I will update soon, as soon as I finish chapter twelve... XP

 

Basically, Tiffany's stress levels are more important than Tiana updating frequently. If Tiffany self-distructs from too much stress while trying to get a long update for her readers, which she DOES want to do, under the persona of Tiana, she won't be able to update anymore because she will be in a padded room, cackling manically and eating pencils. (And Tiana will cease to exist... o_o)

 

And yes, she has a real name. And no, she won't respond to it online.

 

It's very difficult to politely explain how stressed out I am at the moment. Today, I had to do the church powerpoint slides. Not only did I not have the words for three songs, while looking on Google for possibilties, since I'm the only technologically savvy person in our church I have to phone and it's easier to go 'okay, is it this song?' I got a virus that wouldn't auto-fix. This was after sleeping in absurdly late so it'll be difficult to wake up for church. After I had plans to meet someone online at about the same time. I was delayed FOUR HOURS. And I needed to shower and had no clean clothes either...

 

I love you guys. I really do plan to finish this fanfiction since FINISHING a fanfic means a lot to me. I do tend to update when prodded, so don't stop. It's just, I'm so stressed out at the moment that everything I'm doing is for someone else. I have a short comic story set I want to do, and I don't even have time to put together roughs for that...

 

On that note: ScriptFrenzy is occuring in April and I am going to do it.

 

I wouldn't normally do this because I'm going to have to request no criticism over the month of April unless it's positive. I'll take all the ripping and shredding you want afterwards. But I know I've been a bad updater. Would you guys like an original sci-fi/fantasy/steampunk script? I'll be heading for a 100 pages goal so I can promise frequent and long updates over April. And I'll be writing pretty much daily. DO YOU WANT? It'll be something to read, anyway...

 

I'll try update this soon, though. I'm sorry. I'm a bad updater. But I haven't been able to write at all over the last while. I just can't. I'm INCABABLE of producing anything, I've become so self-critical, so frustrated...

 

(twitches)

 

Ah, screw it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

<><><>

 

This moment has been years in coming.

 

The door to the Jedi library creaked open, barely a creak and so much more a swoosh of momentary power as someone with the Force alone broke past the locks and security and let it slide back into place, not a sliver of dust misplaced in that moment. Master Yoda slid back into the shadows, letting his presence fall dim.

 

The being projected a reality about him that could have swept through the minds of any lesser Jedi, and taken them down.

 

Just another Jedi. Standing there, for a moment lost in the sight of rows and rows of blue and white and red cast from the data stored everywhere. Computers, datapads, ancient books and scrolls and history stored deep in the Jedi archives. It took knowledge to know where everything was stored, and this one didn't know where it all was.

 

An overwhelmed moment, Master Yoda took it to reach out and try see”¦

 

There was something familiar about this Jedi. This Jedi who wasn't a Jedi because no Jedi would have felt the need to disguise his presence like that. No. This was not a Jedi. This was another being of power. A Dark Jedi. Or perhaps one of the two Sith”¦ but was it the Master or was it the apprentice?

 

What you search for.

 

Over here, it is.

 

Yoda watched. As the dark one walked down the hall towards him, fingers running along the row, murmuring softly to himself. Was it this one? Or was it this one? All he wanted was a”¦

 

Yoda summoned up the Force and reached out. The air hummed for a moment before the dark one flew back, one datapad clutched between his fingers as he hit the ground. He held onto it, rather than reaching for his lightsaber.

 

Not his lightsaber, is it? Kenobi's lightsaber”¦

 

Yoda's knarled fingers slid over his lightsaber's hilt, and the green blade snapped to existence. But it was just there as a threat, he rather held the dark one down with the Force and reached out for the datapad. Prying it from his grip, Yoda peered at the Aurabesh label in the dim light cast from his lightsaber and the books around them.

 

History?

 

But little more than a child's book, this is.

 

”œExpecting you, I have been,”