Autobiography of the Rock Mountains (Fin)

[silent88]

So there is this essay contest at school about the Rocky Mountains and first price is a 2000 dollar scholarship. My friend and I were joking about the idea of as the guidelines suggested and "Autobiography" of the Rock Mountains, as we laughed we realized we could actually make an amazing story we could write. So we did and I find it hilarious, just thought it would give everyone a laugh. Here it is so far do you think it can win 2000?:

 

And Autobiography of The Rock Mountains"

 

By: Flinn (our combined writing alias)

 

I was once a pebble deep beneath the ocean ceiling. I sat on the floor, while dinosaurs roamed outside. There were creatures in my house that screamed and shouted, so a meteor killed them all, but I was immune to the earth shattering fire exploding death wave that encrusted the earth due to my rocky goodness. Then I was thrown up into the air as the earth was skewed due to the tremendous force of the meteor of death send to earth by the gods who were angered at the monsters that yelled and screamed and took over my home. Their blood was about to stain my carpet, but it was vaporized before it stain the pretty carpet. I fly through the air and land on top of the now skewed earth. I looked around and proclaimed myself king of the mountain and all the other pebbles around rebelled like the Communist bastards they are. They began to also raise mountains out of the ground in furious rebellion. And like the devious mountain ruling pebble I was I fooled them into following my rule. Like the insignificant pebbles they were they gave me complete control of the flock of mountain sheep that we had become. Like a dictatress shepherd I led them all to their doom. While they were drinking I cut their legs out from underneath them so they could no longer move, but alas even the strongest of minds can be but fooled. For the whimsical tales of a timeless treachery as the subtle dagger penetrated thy bodies shield and struck the heart with pains of love apart. Though my heart broke, pain felt me not and my divine legs collapsed beneath the fat, hoggenous pig I hath become. And I pronounced ”œCome let us to our gluttonous work again!”

[Amidala Skywalker]

First off, I don't think I've officially welcomed you to the Jedi Library yet!!! Welcome!!! We're very glad to have you here!!

 

As for this story...umm...no offense, but I didn't really get it.

 

Here's some crit for you. I don't know if you sent the essay in already, but there are a few things I can point out to you.

 

First, watch your tenses. This is probably the more surface flaw. You start in past tense, then suddenly, there is a present tense sentence thrown in (("I fly through the air and land on top of the now skewed earth")), then you're back in past tense again.

 

Second, it seemed really short, and needed to be broken up into paragraphs. It would flow better and help tell the story clearer.

 

Third, you have a couple of run-on sentences. For example: "Then I was thrown up into the air as the earth was skewed due to the tremendous force of the meteor of death send to earth by the gods who were angered at the monsters that yelled and screamed and took over my home." Be careful here...it's a very common, but very much frowned-upon grammatical error.

 

Fourth, watch your punctuation. There were several times where I had to go back and read a sentence because it didn't make sense, but I realized it just need a comma or something. For example: "And like the devious mountain ruling pebble I was I fooled them into following my rule." You need a comma after "was".

 

Finally, there were parts of the story that really didn't make sense. I could tell what you were trying to get at, but it wasn't communicated clearly. Like for instance, "I looked around and proclaimed myself king of the mountain and all the other pebbles around rebelled like the Communist bastards they are." I understand that you are trying to use a metaphor, comparing these 'rival pebbles' to Communists, but the analogy isn't drawn out enough to make sense. My mind just says "Pebbles can't be Communists". I think if you worked on drawing it out, explaining maybe why this pebble viewed the others as Communists, then it would work very well.

 

Also there were a couple of sentences at the end that really just lost me, namely:

 

"While they were drinking I cut their legs out from underneath them so they could no longer move.." Pebbles don't have legs??

 

"For the whimsical tales of a timeless treachery as the subtle dagger penetrated thy bodies shield and struck the heart with pains of love apart." This really lost me...it sounded like you were trying to sound impressively poetic and it just didn't flow with the style of the rest of the peice.

 

Anyway, just a little crit for you. I hope you do well in the contest! If you win, you'll definately have to let us know! I hope my crit helps, and I'd LOVE to see other work by you here in FanFic!

[silent88]

We were sitting looking at the requirements thinking that and Autobiography of the rocky mountains sounded really funny, we decided to write a funny autobiography of the rock mountains. Its just a joke, it would be a shame to enter this without a lot of polishing and way more written and a disclaimer saying that it was a joke, the tenses we actually fixed in a later version, sorry I thought I had the newest but it wasn't true. Thanks for the welcome. If you want to read something more serious of mine read my Silent Hill fanfic Silent

[Skye Organa]

Hi and welcome to Fanfic & the Jedi Library. I actually gone to post a comment the other night when you first put this up only my computer crashed before I could hit send.

 

I'd like to see your newer version. I found alot of the points that Ami has already pointed out.

 

Please let us know how you do go in that competition if you enter it.

[silent88]

Thanks for the welcome. I'll post the update once we work on it a bit more . I do have an actual story that has had few feed back and comments yet, so I would appreciate a few more comments and ideas. Thanks again for the welcome.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

The autobiography of a mountain? That's creative!