Sandy Sarna Posted July 19, 2020 Share Posted July 19, 2020 It felt like treading water, like reaching for a surface that would never come, the last breath burning in her lungs. But she could feel him there. Aidan. He was distant but there. Wisdom Sandy let herself be brought closer to him in the force until she could visualize him. It was like looking through a darkened screen, or a tarnished mirror but he was there. Meditating just as she was. Though likely lightyears away. She touched his mind as he touched hers. She was tempted to say something frivolous, or to flirt, but this was not the place for such a thing. This was an honour, and was one of many steps she would take along her path to wisdom. Aidan needed the help and so she would guide him the best she knew how. She sought back to her time as a knight, her confrontations withe the Sith Lords. Fear Fear locks us from our path and keeps us separate from our destiny. Find your fear Aidan and I will show you mine She found her own fear and brought it to its root. With a breath that felt like a scream of pain, she let the fear bubble forth from where it usually crept in the back of her mind. She sought it from where it lay, bound to the back of her spine, where it haunted every step. The dark The knives The pain of violation The gnashing of a togorians laughter The fear of loosing everyone she loved The fear of rejection Even the fear of showing the fears she had to Aidan She let them pulse between them, showing Aidan each and every one. Laid out like panels on a quilt. Even those that she had kept locked since her time in captivity on Thalassia. Even those that she kept locked in her heart. Nothing lay hidden. The pain of them rocked her, but she steadied herself leaning on the presence of her friend. It is impossible to confront and overcome fears without exposing them She breathed out, slowly, her breath falling like a mist over the arrayed fears, causing them to slowly burn away. Once they are before us, we can let them go Calix Meus Inebrians Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy Sarna Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 A smile whispered on her lips for a moment as she watched Aidan confront his fear. It was a lifelong process she knew, but now that the door was open, it would be easier to keep confronting them. He had overcome so many in the Maw, and now his strength could not be denied. He would survive. She could feel his trust and returned it. Her mind touched his as the fear dissipated, leaving them both blissfully at peace for a brief moment. But there was so much more to do. And she let the peace pass away as well, forcing herself from the comfort and into the cold of her mind. She heard the words come from the holocron and she echoed them. Guilt, however righteous, is death to joy What were her guilts? Were they the embarrassing moments that kept her awake on the verge of sleep? No, she needed to show the root. Like most traumas, there was a seed of truth in every foundation. It was healthy to regret an ill desire, or an evil action, but that regret, when left unchecked spread like a poison through every word and every joy. Poisoning each lovely thought, bringing the mind from its true purpose to focus on darkness. Even the simple guilt of dipping her lightsabre blade into the gut of Fynn Relmis, however justified, could poison her every thought. She let the guilt tumble out of her, falling like an acid rain on the plain of their minds. Death, loss, every guilt she had felt since she was a little girl came out, but there was a central guilt, a poison that corrupted everything she touched. She would have hung her head in shame had she been near him but she kept her neck unbent. I killed my mother She could have justified it, talked about the beatings, the screaming. But the fact was there despite it all. She had reached out a hand in the force and struck out. It had been so easy and with a flicker in the force, a sad, depressed, angry woman had died the brutal death of a brain aneurysm. The scene in all its brutalism lay before them spread out in the thick storm. Deal with the guilt first. Shame is next. The soft voice carried a kindness she had never felt as a child. And with it came a peace. I’m sorry. I am so sorry She whispered to no one but the ghost of her mother. She took a deep breath, letting the warmth of the tears trickle down her face. Time will not change the actions that harmed an innocent. You must confront that action, reveal it, and it will hold no power to poison your joy. Calix Meus Inebrians Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy Sarna Posted July 21, 2020 Share Posted July 21, 2020 Sandy took another breath, inhaling a lungful of air that was heavy with the calming incense of meditation. It was time to look upon the culmination of guilt, the shame that breaks the root of growth. She breathed out and her words whispered to her friend as the feeling of shame passed between them. Shame destroys the will and keeps us from our growth. What was her shame? Every little thing that had brought a flush to her face could have spilled out of her like a fountain. But those little shames were of no consequence, they were things easily moved on from. It was the great shames that mixed with the guilt to poison a man. To turn all he did to bitterness. She let the shame of Thalassia spill out, those things that haunted her every step, those acts that had brought her to the brink of suicide not five years before. She did not visualize them, but let the truth of them exhale with her breath. The shame that haunted her dissipated as she watched Aidan work his own meditation. There was room, space to grow. Though she had moved beyond that shame years before, it was good to confront it in everything that she did. She could never truly be whole and new, but now there was a space to grow. She was valuable despite what had happened. And a smile secretly tugged at the edges of her mouth. Calix Meus Inebrians Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy Sarna Posted July 22, 2020 Share Posted July 22, 2020 Sandy could feel Aidan’s steadfastness, as he released yet another burden from his shoulders. When the calm returned, she spoke again. Grief distracts us from the path of the light The obsession of a loss, its haunting figure, could be felt like an echo through every action of a person consumed with grief. Another great poison, a great distraction from the force, grief turned so easily to self righteous anger. For what else could a person do but wallow in the few reliefs of grief? Sandy could feel its pull even in the calm of the meditation. That secret desire to curl herself in a ball and give into misery. So she rebuked it. Grief, while a useful tool, was all consuming, tears were meant to be dried, not stay there forever. Grief is something to be embraced as part of a transition away from trauma. They say time heals all wounds, and while there is truth there, I must always remind myself to move on from it. There is a small side of me that rejoices in my grief, using it as a shield from the pain of transition. It is there that grief must be discarded. She shook her head slowly. We don’t want to be feelingless monsters however, as the Sith often accuse us. We must accept the grief when it comes to us, to feel it, but not let it consume us. She breathed out, letting the grief go. Calix Meus Inebrians Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy Sarna Posted July 23, 2020 Share Posted July 23, 2020 Lies and deception banish away the truth. Truth was an integral part of the jedi walk, and it shocked her how easily one could be driven off that walk without paying attention. Letting the little mistruths build until they became a wave that could wash her away. These tiny lies we tell ourselves slowly erode our truth. We must confront them in everything we do, lest they overcome us. You must embrace your own destiny, no matter how much you may wish to part from it. Embrace who you are and you will drive away the lies. That was the true journey here, to embrace who she was, no matter the baggage. She took another scented breath and let it out through her nose. She let her presence mix with Aidan’s, giving him a strength to rely on should he need it. She had confronted this part of herself years before with Adenna, but still opening these scars was tiring. She could only feel the turmoil in Aidan’s spirit and so she was there if he needed it. Calix Meus Inebrians Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy Sarna Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 Sandy could not deny that she was shaken by the sudden surge of feelings that she had felt well up inside Aidan. She at first tried to ignore it, not to shun it but let the feelings roll off her unaffected. But they still caused her to take a deep, steadying breath, before she could continue. She needed to be the calm in the storm, no doubt they would have to discuss the fact that they had shared feelings, but that would have to be later. Why? But she pushed that selfish desire away, she wasn’t some gawking teenage girl on a Kashyyyk beach anymore. Such feelings had their time and place, they would bring much joy if left in fertile ground, and so she would let them lie. She took another breath and put forth her gentle reassurance to Aidan. Illusion prevents us from true insight. Another breath and her mind was free from the distraction of the revelation from Aidan. Search within you to find the illusions that you have long kept close to your chest. Constant self reflection will keep you from building up these deceitful illusions. Much like any other spectre, when left unexamined, any part of the force, or personality, or thought, could keep the Jedi, or imperial knight from finding their own weaknesses. The meditation for insight was in itself a fight against pride. The silent killer of Jedi, the thought that you were good enough already and had nowhere to improve. A humble reflection will always find the illusion. They were nearly at the end of the session, and the exhaustion was beginning to fade at the edges of her mind. Calix Meus Inebrians Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandy Sarna Posted July 24, 2020 Share Posted July 24, 2020 There were no sides to the Force. Sandy watched with what could only be described as horror as her friend took a divergent hook from the path laid out for him and dove headfirst into what she firmly believed was a dangerous heresy. Heresy was a phrase seldom used among the Jedi Knights, and while she could not stand behind all the expressions and judgements a call of heresy brought with it, the revelations of Darkfire resembled it. How could he so easily abandon a solid foundation of right and wrong and dive into this? Did not the force tempt a man with its immense power? Or was it a man's own fallible will? She opened her mouth to urge him to reconsider when she heard a small, calm voice in the back of her head. Wait With the softest of touches on her mind, the holocron’s master bid her to pause. But does not the darkside always bring with it death and suffering? So does the good How can you say that? How can you believe that? The lightside does not harm it- Wisdom But I ca- This is his journey young Jedi, not yours, no matter how much you may desire it to be. Do not consume yourself with the pride of self righteousness. She felt her eyes narrow in frustration, as involuntary as it was, and her breathing became a ragged mess as she fought to regain her calm. There was a wisdom to what both Darkfire and the Holocron’s master showed her. She had to accept the wisdom though she might disagree with it. It was not her place to correct Aidan’s journey. And to do so would to act distinctly out of pride. It took her a moment before she had regained her composure enough to respond. And when she did her voice was calm. And it begged forgiveness. I see The voice of the master carried with it a laugh that was only mirth. This journey is a lifetime, not a single meditation. One cannot achieve wisdom, only strive for it. She nodded and let the force open her mind for the next teaching. And when she felt it, she spoke it out to Aidan, her voice strained. Now you must let go of your attachments to embrace the force She nearly choked on the words. For the attachments she held close were all before her. Mirdala Ad’Goran, her adopted mother of iron. Adenna, her master and grandmaster. And Aidan Darkfire, whom she loved. The love had developed from the awkward crush, to an unrequited love, to a deep friendship, and finally to an actual meaningful love. One forged from shared trauma, shared experience, battle, and blood. How could she give up these attachments when they defined her? She had long ago given up on stupid childish dreams of a romance that swept her off her feet, but could she give up the only thing she had ever really wanted? Could she give up on the very thing that had kept her alive? Wisdom But attachment was not the same as love. She needed to surrender the entirety of it to the will of the force, and that did not mean to give up love. The love had come into her life and would someday go out, and if she built her entire foundation on it, then she would be truly broken when it departed. So she must let go. To embrace Wisdom. 1 Calix Meus Inebrians Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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