Holonet

[Lusef Aryan]

Normal broadcasting is interrupted as Holonet feeds across the Galaxy at large go black. Not out, but black, as if something was sending forward waves of deliberate darkness.

 

Out of the darkness there are two very familiar pinpoints of light, a cold, sterile blue, coming into focus. Their light seems unnatural, more of like a hologram within the hologram than a camera, but the image is unmistakable, as is the voice that follows their appearance. There's a halting nature to it, the words carefully measured, but the malice doesn't flow as sinuously as it did, hinting at some terrible injury.

 

Ahhh. My dear, dear friends in the Galaxy... It is good to be back. Your periods of peace and prosperity have been so entertaining to watch, so fragile, so very delicate like a tower of carefully placed sabacc cards. Alas, my dear Galaxy, you know the golden rule of playing with cards... and that, is that the house always wins in the end.

 

My last performance was quite the smash. Not as big of one as I'd hoped, but I'm patient and willing to encourage other... enterprising parties... to attempt to complete the work I started while I recover from the flesh-wounds dealt to me on Coruscant. To those enterprising parties, I will say to them only this:

 

Those seeking to take on the Vanguard of a new era should be only those already schooled in the arts of Nadd and Amanoa.

 

Once... or perhaps if... you've discovered the secrets left therein amid those flames, such as they were, we can talk anon as there are certain artifices you may need in your quest.

 

Do not rest idle, for I will be watching... and judging...

 

The pitless eyes fade out and back to into the blackness, and the Holonet feed continues on as if nothing ever happened.

[Exodus]

• ..Have the Imperial Remnant doomed us all?
  The Imperial-declared War brings Death
  The Imperials Provoke the Sith; But what are the Sith exactly?
  Is There Truth Behind This Sith Conspiracy, Or Do The Expansionist Imperials Seek To Blindside Us All?
  ..Carida Falls!

 

 

Headlines locked in across holo-feeds in most of the major populations and stretched as far as even the most remote backwater planets. The news broke with an urgency that could be felt in the voices of the men and women that did their best to relay the events that were taking place, almost as if in real-time. “Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for what you are about to see.” The broadcaster spoke with a heavy heart.

 

The video started slow, and non-descrip, filtered with a black and white lens shot in first-person view. The recorder angled low from a grassy knoll but the shot was crystal clear. Bodies were strewn lifeless across what seemed to be a broken or failing infrastructure. The bodies were for the most part blurred or edited out completely, but it was more than obvious that the lot of them were missing limbs or entire halves of their body, the dark liquid that pooled around them didn’t help the audience from swallowing what was being revealed to them.

 

The video fizzed out in a mess of grey and black, and then suddenly re-focused to show a different feed altogether. The scene looked the same but there was smoke, and more ruination of whatever this place was. More importantly, this scene explained the reason for all of the bodies shown previously. The camera now angled high, high above ground level. The video revealed a battle in play; two humanoid females holding lightsabers, both women followed by a heavy complement of storm-troopers, both in all likeliness Jedi in that case. The Imperial Remnant and the Jedi. Just in time, the lens laid witness to one of the Jedi setting a rather large Wookie ablaze in a wind of unbelievable magic, and then coldly watch him burn to his knees. He did not fall quickly, he burned and screamed and suffered, before he fell to his ultimate death. The lens pressed in on the facial contours of both women, one young and one with a remarkable scar across her face, easily distinguishable. The enemy of my enemy is my friend; the Imperials and the Jedi appeared to waste no time in proving that.

 

The video pulled back, then cut completely off for the count of three seconds. “For those of you watching, we ask that you please be patient.” The news broadcaster whispered over the dark of the video. The prerecorded feed came alive once more and scaled back completely in terms of focus to show the world of Carida on fire. Massive portions of starcraft plunged from the skies into unprepared and well-developed population centers, the depth and speed of which they fell guaranteed that a very significant collection of people would be wiped out instantly, while others died just as slow as that Wookie had. Mammoth debris fell like hailstorm and punched deep graves into the planet. Nevermind the visual of chaos and panic, you could literally feel the pain as you watched. The video was scrambling now, from location to location, showing panic and indiscriminate death in every which corner, and all in different speeds. As the video relentlessly poured on the blatant destruction, the starfighter dogfights, the falling of the skies— a familiar voice started to play in the background of all the different malicious scenes.

 

“If any member of the Sith Organization and the Black Sun criminal Syndicate would wish to erase their past and begin a new life free from any accusation of association with these terrorist organizations they are to immediately and without hesitation contact their local Imperial or CoreSec Authority for surrender and rehabilitation. You have one week to comply. After that week you will be considered Persona Non Grata on all Imperial and Core Worlds and hunted for the rest of your miserable lives.”

 

The video would cycle through scenes already shown now, but zoomed in on specific and horrifying deaths while the voice of Raven repeated the same declaration over and over and over. Children literally melting lifeless as oily flames danced across their bellies, thousands of pounds of debris fearlessly pounding into masses of people running for their lives, and then a grassy knoll. The same grassy knoll in the beginning, the grassy knoll that led to the broken temple, the broken temple where the Jedi stood arrogantly.

 

"...You have one week to comply. After that week you will be considered Persona Non Grata on all Imperial and Core Worlds and hunted for the rest of your miserable lives."

 

• You have one week to comply. Raven said.
   
  ...hunted for the rest of your miserable lives. Raven threatened.
   
  You have one week to comply. Raven dared.

 

The last scene froze, a scene not shown before. The temple had fallen completely, the ground around it was cracked and filled with cavernous fissures all around it. And then, something unlike anything seen before, rose from Hell. It was hard to make out. and it lasted for only a split second, but that was enough time for any and all who watched to drop their jaws immediately. For the moment, it could only be described as one of the most devilish of miscreations ever witnessed before, so large and impossibly unreal. The video blacked out once more, and a deafening scream of the beast followed. The scream was so loud it defied whatever volume your broadcasting unit was set on. It roared with the wrath of the dark side and as the video cut and lost signal, the scream merged with the sound of the lost signal for a brief second and then went dreadfully quiet.

 

 

. . . We Do Not Comply

 

 

The words spelled itself slowly with each letter while the sound of the lost signal continued to hum disturbingly.

[handofthrawn]

Onderin Starlisk : Man or Planet?

 

Two attractive human newscasters sat behind a desk, looking marginally embarrassed. The camera zoomed in on the woman, and an image of a Jedi Master in green robes appeared in the corner of the feed.

 

"Welcome to Trans-Nubian News. We have a great broadcast prepared for you tonight, but first the network would like to make a formal apology for a mistake made on last night's show. We referenced the infamous attack perpetrated by the mass murderer and former Emperor known as Vladimir Faust, and reported that Onderon had died in the battle. We soon received reports of our mistake and looked into matters to discover that the planet Onderon in fact still exists along with its four million inhabitants.

 

"We respectfully apologize to the population of Onderon and to anyone with friends and family there, as well as to anyone who knew the war hero and Jedi Master Onderin Starlisk who perished alongside Grand Master Darex Trevelian defending all of us from Faust."

 

She paused for a moment to sell the network's embarrassment, averting her eyes, then looked back at the camera and perked up. "Next up: What's Happening on Carida and Three Tips to Keep a Hutt Out of Your Home."

[Idarah]

An ad, professionally polished and gleaming with cheesy overzealous pride, bloomed to life on the Holonet broadcasting system. It was bright and flashy, and the spokesperson was a gorgeous zabrak female. Her eyes glittered like starlight. Her hair, raven black, draped behind her and was held together in an ornate golden braid. Her skin was pale and her cheeks were slightly rosy with a hint of brown freckles at the apex of each cheekbone.

 

The Zabrak smiled and a logo prominently displayed underneath her picture, at the bottom right corner of the screen. It was an Arkanian pharmaceutical company logo; a company well renowned for their premier medicines and medical treatments.

 

“Hello, sir, madam or anything and everything in between. Do you find yourself hanging on to unsightly weight or body fat? Does your species not normally carry sacks of extra weight around? Do you feel as if, although aesthetic sensibilities are not a problem to you, you are uncomfortable with that extra luggage? If so, we here, at the Charickos Pharmaceutical company, are experimenting with a new drug that will do away with such pesky weight problems. If you would like to participate in trials, simply go to your local medical facility and apply. We will provide modest compensation and you will help us take another step forward in revolutionary Medical practices. Thank you, and have a nice day.”

 

The ad closed with a small jingle that was pleasant to almost every ear. The Zabrak disappeared and the ad switched to another program about the war with the Sith. Is the Remnant going too far?

[Tenebris]

CoreSec Targeted! Mazzari to Blame?

 

A sharply dressed magenta-furred Bothan with gold-flecked eyes smoothed the front of his suit jacket as the camera zoomed in on him. He had the look of someone who could have had a promising senatorial career if he had been slightly better at manipulating famous princesses or hiding the genocide of the peaceful and deeply emotional Caamasi.

 

"Good evening, and welcome to Alliance Broadcasting Services' news at 2200 hours. I'm your host, Borscht Fey'lure.

 

"Today a report from the Galactic Senate highlights the attacks on CoreSec outposts in the last weeks, beginning with the untimely destruction of CoreSec's Headquarters on Coruscant, a heinous and unexpected act that our investigative journalists pin on terrorists from the known criminal organization Black Sun. A second well-publicized attack occurred last week on the Coronet City branch by what CoreSec officials suspect to be the work of sleeper cells established prior to the death of Vladimir Faust, and they urge citizenry to avoid panic."

 

"Vladimir Faust is dead," said a Zabrak woman who appeared on the screen. A banner identified her as the Press Secretary for the Office of Chief of State Sabian Devanus. "There's a pile of rubble on Coruscant that testifies to that, not to mention the untimely loss of two of the greatest heroes that this galaxy has ever seen. Cheap parlor tricks and sleight of hand, that's all this is. To lend weight to the rumors of his return is to give power to those who would use his name to strike terror into our hearts."

 

The Bothan returned to the screen. "In response, the Senate has ordered the mobilization of the Peacetime Fleet. Senator Rillen of Corellia, whose planet was deeply affected by these tragedies, gave the following statement."

 

The camera cut to a venerable man standing on the steps of the Galactic Senate building, reporting to the surrounding press, cameras flashing and droids buzzing about him.

 

"In response to the rapid decline of personnel in the wake of these tragedies, CoreSec is being merged with Galactic Alliance forces for our mutual benefit and protection. Our citizens deserve to feel safe from the looming threat of terrorist activity. We will not provoke those who would do our families and neighbors harm. We will not stand for the illegal persecution of the Jedi and those who would seek to protect us. We will increase patrols, fortify defenses, show them the might of an Alliance that stands united!"

 

The beet-colored Bothan appeared once more on camera. "Our sources within CoreSec tell us that Commissioner Mazzari has been issued a subpoena for a senatorial hearing to determine whether or not he is fit to maintain command. Headquarters will, at present, be relocated temporarily to Chandrila until the location for a new facility can be agreed upon and the headquarters on Kuat will be dissolved in short order.

 

"Pundits are speculating that the reactivation of the Peacetime Fleet and subsequent annexation of CoreSec resources may have more to do with the steadily expanding Imperial Remnant, but as of yet, there has been no confirmation of hostile engagement. One question remains for the majority of the citizens of the Galactic Alliance: what role will the Jedi play in this expanding look into the Galactic Alliance's military holdings and other resources?

 

The Bothan glanced back up into the camera. "Stay tuned for Raven Zinthos: Prodigy or Puppet? A look inside the troubled past of the Remnant's darling and Extreme Makeover: Wookiee Edition, coming up after this special broadcast."

[Kitaara Shiri]

A sleek banner ad took center stage in over half of the holoboards of every major city from Triple Zero to the Mid Rim.

 

Lemnos Industries: The Gold Standard in Safety

A young, shapely Twi'lek with cerulean skin flashed a disarming smile from the center of the frame, but there was nothing disarmed about the droids that stood on either flank, their polished plating edged with perfectly placed runic details. Every few seconds, the holo would shift and their shimmering plates would move to make way for an impressive arsenal of weaponry. Another few seconds, and they shifted back to looking like dressed-up protocol droids.

 

Now announcing our new line for premium household service and security: the Enyo-class 130.

 

Showrooms located on Nubia, Kuat, and most recently, Talus, or available for purchase via the Holonet.

 

Prices begin at 20,000 credits each. 0.0% APR for 18 months with approved financing.

[Senator Janos Rillen]

An announcement went out on the Holonet and all local channels, echoing with galactic repercussions:

 

CORESEC EMERGENCY QUARANTINE:

 

NO ARRIVALS OR DEPARTURES FROM CORUSCANT WITHOUT AUTHORIZATION FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF GALACTIC HEALTH AND LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS.

[Raven Nasra]

Imperial State News broadcasted a bulletin for immediate release.

 

"Imperial sources inside the current government have confirmed earlier reports that a Sith had been taken into custody by the Imperial Security Bureau, though the name has not been released, we have head that it is a female sith, possibly wanted in connection to terrorist attacks galaxy wide. More news to come."

Talking heads discussed their ideas on the report and decided that it was a victory for the remnant. Another victory that was unassisted by the dying and ineffective Galactic Alliance.

[Black Sun Agent(s)]

HORROR

 

HUMANITY

 

XENOPHOBIA?

 

HOMOPHOBIA?

 

GALAXY IN CRISIS

 

RACIST IMPERIAL REMNANT?

 

CRACKDOWN ON HOODLUM GAMBLING?

 

STATE SPONSORED TERROR?

 

BEGINNING OF THE END FOR THE DIRTY IMPS?

 

SURELY THIS WILL END RAVENS CAREER?

 

The headlines screamed over the holonet of the brutal and unjustified attack on the peaceful and not-at-all-criminal Cloud City. Endless holoreels of the crying, sobbing, murdered, dead, headless, missing, penniless orphans of cloud city played at the conscience of the morally shattered Galactic Alliance. HolonetNews anchors bickered back and forth about the threat of the Imperial Remnant. Morning Jose, a coruscanti based holonews programme, devolved into a screaming match between the imperial and GA anchors that ended strangely in a makeout session. Some anchors chalked it up to a moral crisis in today's youth, but most blamed imperial supporters and called them xenophobes which would surely bring them over to the GA side. One or two anchors blamed Black Sun for provoking the attack with terrorist actions across that galaxy, but chastened the remnant in regards to the mass slaughter of civilians.

 

Overall it was a PR disaster for the Remnant.

 

Just like the attack.

[Zalis Krales]

The camera showed a black logo on white marble wall, slowly zooming out to show Zalis Krales. Her red hair and blue eyes became a focal point for their contrast against the backdrop she was sitting at. Her clothing, which was a black and white dress seemed to blend into the background. Her smile was bright with red lips covered in her own personal lipstick. Her eyes had a cunning playful look to them. Her voice was sultry and disarming.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the galaxy, I present to you as the leader of Black Sun an opportunity so rare, I shouldn't do it. I'm going to open up this brand new facility which has been hidden for decades, and make it public to everyone! This is your chance to come and play in a small game to earn the rights to everything Black Sun has! That's right, a chance at our fortune, facilities, ships, plans, and even myself. The winner of my game get's to collect everything we own! But like all good opportunities, this one also comes with a catch. The catch is this. The station will appear at these grid coordinates for exactly twenty minutes before jumping away. Until that time comes, and right after it, defenses will be up and strong enough to destroy a small fleet. But it's a small catch it order to win the fortune of Black Sun. So mark your calendars, in exactly two weeks time, you get your chance to board and win! Bring your best gambling skills and win big!"

 

Zalis blew a kiss at the screen, which then turned to black. The location of the holorecording was untraceable, and gave nothing away of where she was at or where she could be found.

[Skye Organa]

--- A comm went out to the Jedi Grandmaster and all Jedi Council members on an emergency code from Skye Organa. ---

 

 

I have encountered the one that claims to be Faust on Onderon at the Palace in Iziz. I am with Commissioner Tenebris E'lann of CoreSec and Lux Tyrell. We have also discovered two of his minions, one of them is a Givin named Geister who we have in custody, the other was a young fearful girl named Lorecait who had been one of his acolytes. If we have any Jedi close to Onderon, please alert them as I believe we may need assistance.

 

--- end comm ---

[AVATAR Kain]

Job listings, billions of them, began cropping up on multiple major holonet sites. It was still a drop in the bucket of the jobs traffic the Holonet saw on a regular basis, but all of these were at least new jobs. Most weren't explicit about being a subsidiary company for a Sith owned shell company, and the vast majority of the employees would never find out who they were actually working for. Bespin would become a major hub for construction work and those interested in a career in the field of gas mining. Nar Shaddaa would list most of the jobs, however, with an incredibly diverse range of careers available. Kain had composed several 'dumb' AIs capable of handling the slightly complex tasks assigned to them with managing all this workload, and while their instructions to the rest of the holonet were digitally hidden from being backtraced, they largely resided in various server farms across many populated planets.

 

Let it never be said again the Sith were not agents of massive economic growth.

[Emerald]

On the underworld channels on which all illegal bounties were posted, rerouted a hundred times through thrice as many relay stations, the posting of a bounty appeared. It appeared legitimate to all the usual observers, but the credit amounts were high enough as to make it utterly unbelievable to many who would disregard it entirely.

WANTED:

 

The Sith Lord styling himself DARTH QUIETUS. May also be traveling under the name of EZRA MONTAR.

REWARD:

5.000,000 CREDITS DEAD

10,000,000 CREDITS ALIVE

FIND HIM BEFORE ZINTHOS DOES.

 

Return to: Underwind

Fizzy's, Nar Shaddaa

[Ajani Lainthok]

A clumsily put together job ad flashes across the screen:

 

Position to be filled: Individual savvy with computers, tracking ability a plus but not required. Salary negotiable.

 

Comm number included in contact information. Can be located on Nar Shaddaa.

[Lysander0301]

A comm message is sent to Ailbasi Zirtani

 

It reads " Require a catupre or kill? Need protection from the righteous or nefarious? For the right price all can be done and more!"

 

A comm number is listed at the bottom. Current location is roaming space and will meet wth client at their place of choosing.

[AVATAR Kain]

On a large holonet forum site, a topic began to go viral: a debate on ethics of the Jedi and Sith as a whole. For people or beings of supernatural power, all of them tended to cause unbelievable collateral damage wherever they went. It was a topic that had been widely debated before, even the very existence of the Survivor's Foundation, while benign and helpful in nature almost seemed to subsidize this activity. And then there was the large open illegal bounty posted by someone of unknown origin with the opinion that that these super beings were more harmful in society than beneficial. The question posed thusly was is there a place in society for beings of immense capability foe destruction? Should there be limits and laws set? What about the Sith, who seemed to take the opposite stance recently and had begun to rebuild the ancient Sith Empire upon modern philosophies and principles, allowing these powerful Force users governance from the top down? Did they hold a valid view of the galaxy as it was?

 

A vocal but unknown user, netname AK-666, posed a line of questions to the masses that started to gain viral attention: if Force users were gotten rid of, the population of the known galaxy would be at risk from the lurking unknowns of the universe that Force Users would be useful and have been useful in the past at repelling. Shouldn't the dangers of the unknown be put to heavy balance against that opinion? After all, in an infinite universe, the probability that another invasion would occur was practically guaranteed, it was simply a matter of when. If anything, registration and control over Force Users, especially by other Force Users capable of containing them, was paramount to strengthening the galactic population to properly repel invaders if and when they came.

 

Of course, heavy allusions were made towards the Sith in their recent attempts to reform themselves as less of a band of murderous violent terrorists to more of an actual organization worthy of galactic recognition as a governing body. They were, of course, reigning in their own, and while certain Sith were still at large and incidents had occurred, some had even resulted in the public trial and execution of a few of their own, mostly with loyalties to someone other than the Dark Lord Exodus, but also a few other heinously violent Sith as an example.

[Jaeva Janhavi]

Splashing across several of the less-reputable holonet gossip channels came a scandalous report:

 

JEDI MASTER KRO'ROENE GIVRAH ABANDONS JEDI ORDER OVER PUNS

 

In a shocking move today, Cerean Jedi Master Kro'Roene Givrah announced his resignation from the Jedi Order today. While no official statement has been made, insider sources say that the Jedi Master stormed out of the Council chambers on Coruscant late last night, shouting, "If my puns aren't allowed, then I'll just leave the Order!!" The Jedi's ultimatum was given as a response to several Jedi finally drawing the line. "He's punning all the time," one Jedi, who asked to remain anonymous told us. "It's like every other sentence out of his mouth. Most of them have to do with plants or trees or flowers, although he said a terrible one the other day about nanites and being Knighted." The Jedi facepalmed as he told our source this.

 

This seems reflected in most of the Jedi Order. "He never stops," one Jedi told us secretly. "I hear the Council is fed up. He's having a bad influence on the other Jedi. In fact, sometimes it's all I can do not to pun. He's Cere-us about his puns. Oh no! I just did it! You see?"

 

Meanwhile, other sources say that Master Givrah has been sighted teaching the ways of the pun to his apprentice. Our thoughts and prayers are with her.

[Jaina Jade Skywalker]

A heavily encrypted message went out on all Jedi channels, received across the galaxy by all members of the Order and its allies (including specifically ShadowFett, Aryian Darkfire, Head of State Raven Zinthos of the Remnant, and Chief of State Sabian Devanus of the Galactic Alliance).

 

 

All allies and members of the Order, please proceed with all haste to Kachirho on Kashyyyk, to pay respects to our fallen Grandmaster on his ancestral home in three days’ time.

 

[AVATAR Kain]

All across the galaxy, several smaller news outlets up for purchase were bought out by shell companies, the umbrella company for which was known as Suledin-Incon Technologies and Holonetworks. A larger holochannel broadcasting license was secured, and broadcasts began to display on the 517 Holonews Network. Many of these broadcasts and media outlets were spinning pro-Sith stories for anything that had to do with the Sith, and many negative opinions were put forth on the GA and their utter lack of ability to protect their citizens, among other things.

 

Of course, any financial link to the Sith as a whole was kept very well buried. Kain knew how to operate at a level that would baffle the most diligent digger.

[Pinckz]

"Are you suddenly in need of a lot of explosives very quickly?

 

Do you want to crush your enemies with the push of a button and find yourself at odds on how to do that?

 

Do you just want to blow something up because, why not?"

 

A large colorful Togruta in a skin-tight monkey suit, sporting an incredibly fake smile, comes onto the screen hefting a pouch of unknown origin. "Then you need SUDDENLY DETONITE!"

 

The Togruta props the pouch on a bench and sits to look at the audience.

 

"You might be wondering, Cavin, why would I need suddenly detonite, when there are tons of different explosives in the galaxy? Well... To that I say, can your garden variety detonite or explosive devices do this?"

 

Cavin Saigo snapped his dextrous fingers and the pouch he'd been hefting disappeared. "Where is it now? You might say, it has a way of popping up when it's least expected. And, for five easy payments of 9,999.99 galactic standard credits, you can walk away with SUDDENLY DETONITE!"

 

**All payments continue after death and are non-refundable. All proceeds go to a joke shop named after the famed Coruscanti serial psycopath: "Frank's Fallacious Fausty Foible Fun Factory"

 

The commercial fades out with a massive explosion that destroys the entire backdrop and several set technicians that were running around behind the stage.

[Pinckz]

A huge digital banner floats across the Holonet screen, interrupting the flow of normal Holonet communications traffic. Before a lovely baritone voice begins to narrate, the words 'Continuity Conundrums Inc.' flash a few times in bright green light across the Holonet banner.

 

"Brought to you by the company that gave you, Suddenly Detonite, and sparked by the ‘sudden’ popularity of the product, Continuity Conundrums Inc. – sponsored by Frank's Fallacious Fausty Foible Fun Factory – is opening the Suddenly product line to bring you more useful household names."

 

A choppy checkerboard transition leads from the previous screen with blinking words, to a domestic setting. The image of a mother and child appear on the screen. The child is screaming very loud. The clock, blaring behind the mother’s back, reads 11 PM galactic standard time. The mother’s face is drawn and the child’s face is sewn into relatively permanent duress. As the blinking clock ticks down and the situation seems irredeemable, the mother pulls a rag out of her pocket and puts it over her child’s mouth.

 

The child screams for a moment more, but inhales the fumes and falls asleep like a rock.

 

"Need help with your irresponsible parenting? Continuity Conundrums Inc. brings you, Suddenly Chloroform."

 

The choppy checkerboard transition passes the screen from the domestic setting to a desert setting with what looks to be a female Jedi and a small herd animal. The female Jedi’s comm is beeping incessantly. Requests and gifts pile up over time. Then, the messages stop.

 

"Plagued by constant comm traffic? CC inc. gives us, Suddenly Anthrax."

 

The choppy checkerboard transition takes off again, propelling the screen to an excessively boring office workspace. Everyone is chattering away at their keyboards and not paying anyone else any mind. Then, POOF! An Ewok pops out of nowhere and stabs a spear through the wall of a cubicle.

 

"Bothered by the boredom of your menial life setting? Continuity Conundrums is at it again with Suddenly Ewoks.*"

 

"And that’s not all!"

 

The cliché checkerboard transition happens one last time and the screen is filled with a very pleasant looking ruby skinned female Twi’lek.

 

“My name is Hava Kalleesa, and I am the marketing supervisor for Continuity Conundrums inc. We have just come out with a new line of Suddenly Furniture. Need a chair, but have no conveniently placed apparatus? Suddenly Furniture will give you just what you need. (It is totally not made of explosive materials and is safe for the entire family!).**

 

“If you’re thinking, ‘well, Hava, none of these armaments, items or nick knacks are on our character sheets.’ Then I have an answer for you! With our partners from Killer Whale Studios, we have developed adhesive badges indicating that you have 100% mod approval. It is perfect plot armor for every occasion and will void you of any and all responsibility.***

 

“So please, if you would like to enjoy any of our Suddenly products today, just dial the Holonet number at the bottom of the screen and we will be waiting to add any ‘sudden’ spice to your otherwise dull and uninteresting lives. Thank you.”

 

The image fades out right after a number appears on screen, followed by a series of disclaimers in small print.

 

The number reads: 999-999999-999

 

 

• The disclaimers:

*Suddenly Ewoks may have rabies. I would get checked out if they bite you.

** It is made of explosive materials and should not be used near flammable materials. You have been warned.

*** The adhesive badges are purely aesthetic and will not void you of any responsibility.

**** This company is not liable for any charges brought against the users of these products. Nor is this company an actual company. Don’t try to find us.

[Skye Organa]

A plain text ad appears on the holonet

 

Wanted

 

Tech savvy person for special job.

 

Applications to this address [enclosed]

[Jefsa J'Feh]

On holofeeeds across the galaxy, a new advertisement begins playing during the regularly scheduled breaks between daytime talkshows, and at the most inopportune moments during night time dramas.

 

The camera pans over an idyllic swamp-like pond, deep green trees and underbrush stretching high into the sky offscreen.

 

Deep within an ancient world.

 

Guarded by an ancient people.

 

A secret.

A deep masculine voice smoothly narrates.

 

The camera pans about the lake to a small wooden dingy where two attractive humans lounge lazily. Their skin positively aglow; the picture definition of beauty. The man and woman are smiling and laughing flirtily clinking drinks together, as their fishing poles stretch out over the water awaiting that ever fateful bite.

 

Until now.....

 

The scene quickly fades out, replaced by a strangely voluptuous attractive Gungan beneath a waterfall. The twinkling music of the advertisement gone as two words splash across the screen with an excited shout:

 

GUNGA - GLOW

 

Guaranteed to smooth away wrinkles and return that healthy attractive glow you crave. the man’s voice returns. Effective in just two treatments. See results IMMEDIATELY!

 

A holonumber flashes at the bottom of the screen along with the price of 29.99 credits.

 

Call today!

 

Two bottles of a creamy pink lotion with the image of the same voluptuous Gungan on them appear on the screen, labelled GUNGA-GLOW

 

Be one of the first 10,000 callers and receive not only your exclusive bottle of Gunga-glow but we’ll throw in a second bottleABSOLUTELY FREE

 

That’s right! Call today and receive not one, but two full bottles of Gunga-glow for the price of one! And today only, shipping is free!

 

GUNGA–GLOW

CALL NOW

 

*Not tested on Wookiees, Zeltrons, or desert-dwelling household pets. Has been shown to cause abnormal phosphorescence in users of The Dark Side. For External Use Only. If ingested, contact your nearest medical center immediately.

[Ruby]

A breaking newsreel competed with the arrival of Faust at the Coruscant Memorial for priority across the galaxy. The farther away from the Core one managed to travel, the more prevalent this auxiliary broadcast became.

 

Flashes of turbolaser fire were punctuated with the screams of humans and aliens alike.

 

Raven Zinthos Shows Her True Colors.

 

Giant explosions leveled buildings in a domino effect that wiped out entire city blocks running hundreds of stories down to the forgotten undercity of Nar Shaddaa.

 

Palpatine's Empire Lives On.

 

The wailing of a small Bothan child was the only sound juxtaposed with the whump of blaster cannons and the crackle of flames in the background.

 

Merciless Terror Comes Without Warning

 

The looming Imperial fleet, their ships carrying all the terror they had wrought on the galaxy only mere decades before, encroached as hundreds of ships fled the Smuggler's Moon like mynocks deserting an out-of-control starfighter.

 

The face of a terrified human man came onto the camera, soundless, but his lips moved in an utterly recognizable way:

 

Help. Help us, please.

[Delta73]

*As all of civilized space has ignored the pleas from a bunch of pirates instead an ad plays, directed to military contractors, and those of MANDALORIAN IDEALS*

 

Are you Mandalorian? Kriff yeah you are, why else would you be seeing this?

 

Do you want to make sweet waadas for your clan?

 

Have you ever wanted to be paid on retainer?

 

Do you want to grow your honour through battle?

Well do we have the job for you!

 

Jobs available now through the Red Dawn Initiative. A sweet private military company looking for only the best of the best of the Mandalorian Clans.

 

Jobs include:

 

Military Campaign Advisors (Best paying!) 1 million credits per 6 month retaining contract. You can help lead campaigns that we are payed to do! Deployment to warzones* comes with HAZARD PAY. Don’t miss it. That’s a lot of CREDITS. Living, weapons, housing, and food costs paid for. (You get issued a company credit chip! How kriffing cool is that)

 

Warparty trainers! The modern day Cuy'val Dar. Though you can totally tell your friends and clan mates about it and its totally not a secret. (Lucrative training opportunities) six hundred thousand credits per six month retainer. Living, weapons, housing, and food costs paid for.

 

Agricultural Advisors. Do you want to be paid for doing vhett things? Hell yeah? Well join the Agri-Corps of Red Dawn. You will have the opportunity to improve the lives of millions through sustainable agriculture. Four hundred thousand credits per six month retainer. Living, farm tools, housing, and food costs paid for.

 

Does that sound awesome as hell? Hell yeah? Apply today!

 

Contact Details:

 

 

- Apply in person or via comm link to the Red Dawn Initiative Recruiting Office located at the Wayfarer’s Rest Spacestation outside Tatooine. -

 

 

*warzones do not include genocide of local populaces. we get paid to kill, but not kiddos pal so if you are into that kind of thing don't apply.

[The Black Sun Armada]

Are you a pirate?

 

Do you like gemstones like entirely too much?

 

Are you up for showing the patriarchy who's boss?

 

Are you an independant pirate who don’t need no man?

Then join the Rainbow Defense League, the girls only mercenary force

.

Now hiring! We don’t pay 70 percent compared to men! We swear!

 

This EXCLUSIVE private military force is hiring only the best for a single job!

 

One hundred thousand credits up front with an additional two hundred thousand credits per head for this job. (Payable after mission completion) (Long term employment opportunities and contracts available!)

 

Looking for starship pilots

 

Fighter Pilots

 

Gunnery crews

 

And ground based combat members!

 

Join today! Come by Wayfarer’s Rest on Tattooine (That's the space station) and apply at the Rainbow Defense League headquarters!

[ObliviousKnight]

Terrorist Assault on CreoVive Headquarters

 

Terrorists of an unknown origin assaulted the corporate headquarters of CreoVive Biotechnology on Coruscant today. Twenty-seven employees and security guards were slain in the attack, though their identifications are being withheld to respect the privacy of their families. More than eighty staff were wounded in the firefight.

 

As per a source from CoreSec speaking under conditions of anonymity, an estimated twenty terrorists blasted their way into the corporate tower and stormed through research labs and offices, destroying lab equipment and research data. Internal security forces attempted to halt their progress and CoreSec Rapid Response teams arrived quickly to the scene, but the attackers were able to retreat from the corporate tower before being pinned down by CoreSec security teams. “The attack was very professionally planned and executed. After breaching CreoVive’s security, the attackers were able to complete their planned objectives and exfiltrate within minutes.”

 

Another attack was attempted on CreoVive’s orbital skyhook, but the attack was quickly repulsed by internal security forces. No organizations have claimed responsibility for the attack.

[Tenebris]

A galaxy-wide announcement halted every other broadcast, littered with images of the Echani Supreme Commander of the Galactic Alliance, Tenebris E'lann, clasping the hand of the young Imperial Head of State, Raven Zinthos.

 

E'lann-Zinthos Treaty Signed

 

"Following massive losses on the Imperial capital of Carida and multiple terrorist attacks on Coruscant, the threat of the Sith seems to have been enough to push the Imperials and the Galactic Alliance into one another's arms. The treaty includes provisions for immediate response to any military threat against either party, a joint outpost established on the planet Anaxes, and will be sealed by a state dinner to be hosted at Coruscant's famed Link Headquarters. No representatives from the Jedi Order have responded to requests to comment on the treaty, and critics have expressed concerns that the military allegiance will bring anything constructive into the galaxy, merely tying everything up in additional red tape and escalating the eminent threats already facing the galaxy. However, there are many who are hopeful that this alliance represents a new leaf for the galaxy, multiplying the reach of these respective militaries for mutual benefit and protection against such unknowns and beginning, as demonstrated by the successful Imperial operation into the Y'toub system, to even drive down crime syndicates that have long held roots in the outer rim of the galaxy."

[Amidala Skywalker]

“And now for a religion piece,” the holonet news anchor said, shuffling his papers. “In the past few months, a new religion seems to have sprung up in the Outer Rim. A growing number of followers have begun worshipping a deity known as The Gray Hermit, a mysterious and eccentric humanoid figure with a large red beard. Followers believe that the beard is a living entity with an enormous appetite that must be fed to appease the deity. When pleased, The Gray Hermit bestows on his followers fantastical gifts of creative technology, running from ships, to armor, to weapons, to other more exotic tech. Devotees can be seen wearing long fur coats with high collars, or attempting to grow beards of their own. Those interested in learning more about this new cult can contact Jamesir Bensonmum of Rantil III.”

 

Attempting to avoid looking perturbed and utterly failing, the news anchor quickly changed the subject. “In other news, pop sensation Ammi Wolfstar…”

[Chaotic Tranquility]

"This just in"... a female news anchor cuts in during a rerun of 'Kakuto Ryu's Headbutt Especial' "Another body has been floating around in the Hoth system recently. Apparently, it had been skinned and dissected in a near cadaver like aspect. Authorities are still unsure if one of the local medical transport has recently lost a specimen, or if a rogue scientist has gone mad. But you can bet that we will keep covering this story as it progresses"

 

"That's right Shatta!" Her fellow news member intervenes as you can clearly see the woman get sick at the thought. "Now more pressing news. Frozen monkeys have once again appeared above Mechis III in what appears to be......"