Holonet

[Pinckz]

A haggard individual scrabbled onto the screen. He held a big sign and was shaking with wide eyes.

 

A news anchor stood off to the side and watched the man as he yelled. The big scruffy man was positioned on the outskirts of the trinity tower terrorist relief construction, causing a ruckus. His signs were big and brightly colored and sometimes he yelled so loud that he frothed a little saliva out the side of his mouth.

 

The Nikto looked as if he hadn't bathed in months; nay, years.

 

He smelled like the south-end of a northward Bantha and his appearance made him look like he was assaulted by a Tusken hit squad. But he was loud and his ruckus was being debuted live on camera for all of the Holonet to see.

 

"Here we have a little local color shouting his cynical thoughts at the survivors of the Trinity tower massacre. They are trying to recover from this horrific tragedy. This vagrant appeared the other day and has been relentless in his pursuit. Here is a clip of what he was saying yesterday... Chuck, play the clip!"

 

--== A little bit of fuzz interrupted the live feed and then the same Nikto popped up on the screen. His voice was hoarse and raspy, but he was holding a sign and emphatically screaming into the wind. "WE ARE ALL CONTROLLED BY BIG PEOPLE IN THE SKY!!! THEY GIVE US MEANING. THE END IS COMING, BUT NONE OF US CAN DIE?!! WHAT IS THE POINT?

 

EVEN MY ACTIONS HAVE NO MEANING. THEY ARE THE BORED RAMBLINGS OF SOMEONE WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO. WE ARE ALL INCONSEQUENTIAL WHEATIES TO BE EATEN AND DISCARDED... WHAT ARE WHEATIES, I DON'T KNOW. BUT THEY KNOW. WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!!!" ==--

[Pinckz]

A sapphire colored Togruta appeared on the screen. Her smile was bright, but clearly forced.

 

"Here we are again. My name is Ameythin Fujova for the Coruscanti News, Holonet Channel 8, and I am here to bring you the latest news stories no matter how ridiculous they are. Now to our reporter in the field, Sasha, what do you have for us today?"

 

The camera switched to a beautiful blonde woman with big blue eyes. She was with a weequay assistant and her microphone was pointed at a woman who had seen better days. She had long tangled brown hair, her skin was covered in dirty splotches, and her clothes were very ratty.

 

Chuck, the weequay camera assistant, swung the camera a little to the right and focused on the two of them. Sasha leaned in a little and opened her mouth into a brilliant pearly smile.

 

"Hi, we're here with Gerona, a former resident turned refugee of the planet Dathomir. Now tell the audience Gerona, why did you leave Dathomir?" Sasha said, looking to the other woman with a small hint of sympathy in her eyes, playing her concern to the camera.

 

Gerona didn't notice. She was trembling. And the bright lights weren't helping. But she was safe now. "Well," she said, starting off slow. "My people and I lived in a simple village. We had a few cottages and a nice longhouse. We were enjoying a peaceful life away from the nightsisters, when IT attacked."

 

Sasha's brow furrowed. "It?" She asked.

 

Gerona's trembling intensified. "It was nothing like we'd ever seen before. It came in the night. It seemed to be a large serpent-like creature with a huge humanoid arm growing out of its neck. First, it came for the crops and burned our countryside. Second, it started to burn our peasants. Third, it started burning everyone in the village. And last, it began to destroy all of our thatched roof cottages. It was terrible. And all throughout its rampage it yelled 'TROGDOOR' like it was some sort of battle cry. Some of the locals say it may have once been a man. Others say it may have once been a dragon man. And others say that it is a dragon; whatever that is. Their tales christen it, TROGDOR, the burninator. And like its namesake, it mirthlessly incensed things, burning everything it could see and some things it couldn't. I don't know why it burned things; why it senselessly and indiscriminately burned things. Perhaps I will never know. I am simply glad to be away from that terrible place."

 

Sasha turned back to the camera and put on her best serious face. "You heard it here folks. A terrible beast is plaguing the planet of Dathomir. A creature that comes out in the night and yells TROGDOR before attacking its victims. You have been warned. This is Sasha Verithos for Holonet Channel 8, signing out."

[Pinckz]

"Are you suddenly in need of a lot of explosives very quickly?

 

Do you want to crush your enemies with the push of a button and find yourself at odds on how to do that?

 

Do you just want to blow something up because, why not?"

 

A large colorful Togruta in a skin-tight monkey suit, sporting an incredibly fake smile, comes onto the screen hefting a pouch of unknown origin. "Then you need SUDDENLY DETONITE!"

 

The Togruta props the pouch on a bench and sits to look at the audience.

 

"You might be wondering, Cavin, why would I need suddenly detonite, when there are tons of different explosives in the galaxy? Well... To that I say, can your garden variety detonite or explosive devices do this?"

 

Cavin Saigo snapped his dextrous fingers and the pouch he'd been hefting disappeared. "Where is it now? You might say, it has a way of popping up when it's least expected. And, for five easy payments of 9,999.99 galactic standard credits, you can walk away with SUDDENLY DETONITE!"

 

**All payments continue after death and are non-refundable. All proceeds go to a joke shop named after the famed Coruscanti serial psycopath: "Frank's Fallacious Fausty Foible Fun Factory"

 

The commercial fades out with a massive explosion that destroys the entire backdrop and several set technicians that were running around behind the stage.

[Pinckz]

A huge digital banner floats across the Holonet screen, interrupting the flow of normal Holonet communications traffic. Before a lovely baritone voice begins to narrate, the words 'Continuity Conundrums Inc.' flash a few times in bright green light across the Holonet banner.

 

"Brought to you by the company that gave you, Suddenly Detonite, and sparked by the ‘sudden’ popularity of the product, Continuity Conundrums Inc. – sponsored by Frank's Fallacious Fausty Foible Fun Factory – is opening the Suddenly product line to bring you more useful household names."

 

A choppy checkerboard transition leads from the previous screen with blinking words, to a domestic setting. The image of a mother and child appear on the screen. The child is screaming very loud. The clock, blaring behind the mother’s back, reads 11 PM galactic standard time. The mother’s face is drawn and the child’s face is sewn into relatively permanent duress. As the blinking clock ticks down and the situation seems irredeemable, the mother pulls a rag out of her pocket and puts it over her child’s mouth.

 

The child screams for a moment more, but inhales the fumes and falls asleep like a rock.

 

"Need help with your irresponsible parenting? Continuity Conundrums Inc. brings you, Suddenly Chloroform."

 

The choppy checkerboard transition passes the screen from the domestic setting to a desert setting with what looks to be a female Jedi and a small herd animal. The female Jedi’s comm is beeping incessantly. Requests and gifts pile up over time. Then, the messages stop.

 

"Plagued by constant comm traffic? CC inc. gives us, Suddenly Anthrax."

 

The choppy checkerboard transition takes off again, propelling the screen to an excessively boring office workspace. Everyone is chattering away at their keyboards and not paying anyone else any mind. Then, POOF! An Ewok pops out of nowhere and stabs a spear through the wall of a cubicle.

 

"Bothered by the boredom of your menial life setting? Continuity Conundrums is at it again with Suddenly Ewoks.*"

 

"And that’s not all!"

 

The cliché checkerboard transition happens one last time and the screen is filled with a very pleasant looking ruby skinned female Twi’lek.

 

“My name is Hava Kalleesa, and I am the marketing supervisor for Continuity Conundrums inc. We have just come out with a new line of Suddenly Furniture. Need a chair, but have no conveniently placed apparatus? Suddenly Furniture will give you just what you need. (It is totally not made of explosive materials and is safe for the entire family!).**

 

“If you’re thinking, ‘well, Hava, none of these armaments, items or nick knacks are on our character sheets.’ Then I have an answer for you! With our partners from Killer Whale Studios, we have developed adhesive badges indicating that you have 100% mod approval. It is perfect plot armor for every occasion and will void you of any and all responsibility.***

 

“So please, if you would like to enjoy any of our Suddenly products today, just dial the Holonet number at the bottom of the screen and we will be waiting to add any ‘sudden’ spice to your otherwise dull and uninteresting lives. Thank you.”

 

The image fades out right after a number appears on screen, followed by a series of disclaimers in small print.

 

The number reads: 999-999999-999

 

 

• The disclaimers:

*Suddenly Ewoks may have rabies. I would get checked out if they bite you.

** It is made of explosive materials and should not be used near flammable materials. You have been warned.

*** The adhesive badges are purely aesthetic and will not void you of any responsibility.

**** This company is not liable for any charges brought against the users of these products. Nor is this company an actual company. Don’t try to find us.

[Pinckz]

<< The message's contact is heavily encrypted. The message is passed through open enough channels that most that know what to look for will find the information >>

 

Looking for a discrete load to be transported? I’m your guy.

 

Legitimate business, or under the table deals are both welcome.

 

Please no:

Livestock (Unless you bring your own crew to haul and care for em’)

Passengers (Too many unknowns)

 

Just forward the details through an encrypted channel to this number:

 

3344 - 73821 - 8675309 - 2214 - 000