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Travis

My Life Update

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I do apologize for my prolonged absence. You guys have always kinda known I wear my emotions on my sleeve and have little problems opening up to my friends here, so I am going to do it. It really feels good to be able to share, and I am not looking for sympathy or guilt tripping people here. I am simply letting you know because many of you are friends and most of you are good people. Plus, it is therapeutic to write it all out.

 

I got back into this site when things were going well in my life. I had a bit of money (after not having any from being laid off) from a temp job, I had a girlfriend whom I fell in love with (after an extremely long time without one), I had a place of my own with my best friend, and I had a lot of hope with how my life was going. In December, things took a turn for the worse when my girlfriend broke up with me right in the middle of the stress of the retail holiday season. Foolish or not, we stayed as friends with the hope and understanding that in the future, a relationship might be possible once more as we both really liked each other (she was going through a very messy divorce and had a lot of outside stressers and things that made the concept of a relationship not possible). I lost the seasonal job I was hoping to keep in mid January leaving me with no cash and having to dip into investments. Not finding a job, being unemployed, my roommate getting a girlfriend and not being around, my friends being busy, having nothing to do, social isolation setting in, and the rapid deterioration of what connections I had with my girl weakened me so much that I began to lose my lifelong struggle with depression. Normally, I can handle several of those things with ease, but all of them together created a perfect storm that wrecked me.

 

The past several weeks have been especially brutal for me. The only saving grace is that I was made a job offer at Bank of America, but it took three and a half weeks to process paperwork (my time in China made it complicated). Other than that, I have been suffering extreme isolation, high level manic depression (good one hour, in the pits the next), extreme negatively about the future, lack of will to go on, and a whole bunch of other stuff that is just not pleasant. My roommate, a guy I have known all of my life, went from being home almost every evening and two to three days a week to being home possibly 5 hours a week (excluding sleeping) and spending the night with his girlfriend 3-4 nights a week thus creating a sense of isolation and lack of social contact. To top it off, and probably the most devastating thing, my ex made it clear a week and a half ago that she no longer saw a romantic future for us and that she was closing that (already slim) chance of us getting back together. I will make it clear: I do not blame her in this as she was always quite up front about how slim our chances were after breaking up just before Christmas. However, I blame myself for allowing my depression, vain hope, and tunnel vision for not realizing or accepting that possibility and allowing it to drive me.

 

Over the last week, I have come to grips with my situation regarding my ex, started my job (second day, going great so far), and began to clear the deceptions of depression from my life. I am not saying it has been pleasant or that I am always improving, but I have hope that the darkest days are behind me. My focus now is to start integrating back into society via work, making new friends, and possibly through Jnet. In truth, my ex has actually become one of my best friends and a great help because she does really care about me and knows me very, very well. Now that I have accepted we aren't getting together, I feel much more comfortable around her and am able to switch the relationship to a very close friend, something I really need. I have also come to really appreciate Delta and Sheog for their moral support, prayer, advice, and just being there. I am desperately working on curbing my depression and reestablishing a healthy life and mindset. Having a sense of purpose (job), income coming in (paycheck), and social interactions are huge helps for me and allow me to focus my energies on where they are needed. I do want to make it clear: I blame nobody (including my ex and roommate) and anything they may have done or didn't do for this. The "blame" is to be placed on the multiple unfortunate situations that I found myself in (nobody's fault), my genetics, and my own choices.

 

For now, I simply cannot generate the urge or desire to post in the RP. I hate that, I really do. I don't like leaving commitments or anyone hanging, but I simply cannot add that (comparatively minor) commitment and stress to myself right now. I also really enjoy roleplaying with you guys. For now, assume the following of my characters:

Qaela is MIA after the destruction of her clan on Dathomir, presumed dead.

Adenna is on Catnip Station quietly preparing it for Jedi arrivals or, if that doesn't work, she will return to Tython (whichever Tobias feels is best). Sandy is free to stay with her or go back to Tython for a new master.

Mazzari is busy rebuilding CoreSec and is chilling on Kuat.

 

If there is a desperate need for one of my characters, esp Mazzari, feel free to PM me here or on Facebook and I can at least offer advice or see if I can come post. I will try to check in here periodically for PM's.

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Thank you for sharing that with us dude. I may be a bit partial to this suggestion as I am going to school for it but are you seeing anyone professional for your depression? PM me if you want, although you made a public post so I made a public reply. :-P

 

There's always a place here for you dude.

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I spent over a decade in counseling and, in the end, found they did almost no better than talking to friends or dealing with things on my own. I am sure there are people who need it, but I am not one of them. Not only that, but as an uninsured person, I can't afford to drop hundreds of dollars to talk to someone.

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Hey Travis, thanks for the update. I'm sorry you went through all of that, but I'm glad to hear that the worst may be behind you. If this community helped you in any way get through this, I'm proud of being a part of it.

 

Please don't feel like anyone's pressuring you to get back into the RP before you're ready. The game is a lot of fun and it should never be a burden. That said, I'm looking forward to when your situation improves enough that you do return, and I have an idea for a way that Fett and Mazzari might have some interesting and mutually beneficial interactions.

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Hey Travis! My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you've had quite the rough go, and I too am happy that things seem to be looking up. No pressure at all where the RP is concerned: while we love having you involved with the game, your health is far more important.

 

If there's anything we can do to help, don't hesitate to get in touch.

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DUDEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

I feel you there- I spent 8 years on and off with this girl, she ended up going into the military- and ended up in a marriage that she is now trying to ditch. If I could I would beat that (Bad word) into a pulp. We split for good in November, and I recognize that remaining friends with your ex that you loved, you're invested in, is a horrible idea. But we are humans, and as such- we hold onto hope. Hope that things will change, hope that we can cope with the situation, hope that we can keep that shining light in our life, even though it has changed colors. For the mental health standpoint- it's a wreck. I can't handle myself in certain situations with females around, thank goodness for alcohol. No, I didn't become an addict! Helps with the anxiety... calms the shakes. Now I'm starting to ramble, and I'll say my last bit-

 

BRAH, you're going to be fine. You're too smart to do anything but be a success at anything you do! Yes, it may take time. Yes, your world as you knew it crashed around you. But it will be OKAY! You'll make it! You may not be fine right now- and that is okay. To hurt is to know and feel love- to know and feel the gravity of your situation. The key is not to lose sight of that guiding light. You fall down- and you get right back up. You rebuild yourself.

 

If you need to chitchat, we can always do a Google Hangout, or shoot me a Facebag Message.

 

No worries on Adenna, or Sandy- I'll do them right, or at least try to! Fix you, and when you can- if you want- come back to us. We have many gifs/memes to share.

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Yea, so my ex came down this week and we have managed to hang out a bit. I am quite pleased at the lack of problems and feelings I feel. I am quite fine with how things are, and seeing, talking, and being around her is giving me some perspective. I still think she is an amazing woman, but my head and heart have cleared enough to see a lot of issues that I had ignored previously that might have been a serious problem over time. Starting work this last week and a half has drastically improved my mood and how I am functioning. It is almost night and day how different and much better I am. I haven't felt this good in about four months which is great news and allows me to state that I am well on my way out of this latest depression cycle. I am networking more with some in person friends to join their social networks and start doing things with other people which may open opportunities for me.

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Okay, it has been a roller coaster of late. After my last post, fecal matter hit the fan and things were permanently ended with my ex (no possibility of us getting back, she moved on fully). That hurt a lot resulting in me all but severing communication.

 

Job has been going great, I love it and am fitting in well. It has really helped get my bank accounts refilled a little and gives me a sense of purpose. I have been more active socially and spending less time alone which is great. I am now officially out of what I consider depression and am trying to get into an actually happy place instead of just living day by day.

 

That being said, I hope to reengage here. Last time, a lot of my desire to get back into things was because my ex expressed interest in it and I wanted to have something to occupy my time and tell her about. When that relationship went to feces, it really sapped a lot of appeal out of me. Couple that with the heartache and depression and it was tough to get motivated to do much. Now, I am clear of that and want to get back into the fight.

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Welcome back, Travis. Plenty going on and I'm sure any of us would be willing to help you jump into it. Don't hesitate to reach out.

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