To Find His Place- an original fantasy novel: updated 2/14

[Ethro Brealis]

I've been working on re-writing chapter 1 for a while, and finally thought "ah, heck with it all." So I'm posting the prologue. Now I have to finish the first chapter before I can post any more.

 

So, read and review. Even if you don't have anything to review (doubtful in this rough story), please at least tell me you're reading. if you don't, I will probably lose the will to write and become one of those people who posts an update every six weeks.

 

So, this is an original fantasy story (specifically a real-world crossover... but we'll get to that), but Tiana said it was probably more like a brutal war story. The rest of the book is not identical to the prologue, I assure you. But there is warfare. Which brings me to:

 

Rating: PG-13 for brutal war violence and some language.

 

Critique level: Criticism is begged for. I don't care how you state it... after all, it's my choice to ignore it or not, right? No, I value everyone's opinion.

 

There, that's out of the way.

 

Now, the main attraction: To Find His Place.

 

 

 

Prologue: The Strike on Veeko

 

A pale moon hung in the sky, dusk's last light turning it a dusty rose color. In the middle of a small glade overlooking a river valley, the headless corpse of a sentry toppled to the ground. Jephree grabbed it by the arm to prevent it from crashing down too loudly, paused a moment, then dragged the body out of the clearing. A tall, broad soldier entered the clearing as the young man rolled the head into the trees.

 

”œAny trouble, Lord Jephree?”

Edited February 15, 2009 by Guest

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Nice! I really like the feel, somewhat reminiscent of LOTR and the "Tower of Geburah" series.

 

I love how the second sentence in has a beheading.

 

Not enough energy for serious review work tonight - two choir rehearsals in one day is too many, alas - but it's sounding good, keep it up!

[Obi-here]

I'm reading it. So you can continue.

 

I agree with Anakin. It has a strong LotR feel to it, but you've distanced it far enough away to keep it out of that blatant-rip-off territory. Always a good thing. Gotta say that the action was very well done and flowed naturally almost the whole way through. There were a few sections that were even quite impressive in their own right.

 

I noticed one part where you said "blood" three times in fairly quick succession, and it definitely messed with the flow of the reading. If there's anyway you could more cleverly describe that, it would help a lot. You've got an extensive vocabulary. Use it.

 

Also, love the sword staff. Darth Maul-type weapons always give me a thrill. But again, it was a section where the description messed with the flow. It wasn't bad, per se. But I wouldn't call it a good description, either. That could use some work. You had this really nice structure of the story going, and all of the sudden we're getting thrown technical descriptions of exactly how this sword staff thingie transforms itself.

 

Despite that, overall you really have excellent choreography of this battle. I could picture it all with relative ease and I really enjoyed some of your writing in this prologue. You started everything off with solid potential. Looking forward to seeing more of this.

[Dartha Athanth]

Wargh. I got sorta overwhelmed by the amount of new names/terms when reading. But this story sounds pretty familiar too. "Borakull", now where have I heard that before?

 

Suddenly i have a fancy of seeing this in comic book form.

 

DOn't mind me... It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm usually asleep at 11:30

[Amidala Skywalker]

Wow...that was reallllly long....I had to read it in two sittings.

 

Overall, I like the idea and premise. Very LOTR-ish, but of course, with mages, which makes it seem very standard fantasy. Lots of action right off.

 

Good work...I'd like to see what Obi said about more varied description, but I didn't see any looming errors. Good work, and good to see you posting on here again!

[Ethro Brealis]

Thanks.

 

Dartha, I usually do a google search for my terms before I claim them as "mine". Of course, you would find the one I didn't. However, I just did a search and couldn't find anything (in English) except for a reference to some fantasy story with a mage named Bora'kull. So, hopefully, you didn't hear that word in another setting.

 

I'm pretty close to be finished with the holdup in the story (chapter one). You'll be getting the alpha re-write, so it'll be probably one of the less-polished installments. Yes, I realize none of them are polished, but this one will be hot off the presses. Soon.

[Ethro Brealis]

I hope you guys appreciate the marathon session I did late last night when I finally finished the re-written chapter 1. I'm curious to know how you think this chapter compares to the prologue in quality, because this has had NO beta-reading whatsoever, other than my giving it a cursory glance afterwards, whereas the prologue was extensively betaed. However, I wrote the prologue a year ago, and I like to think I've improved since then... so yeah.

 

Oh, and yes, this chapter IS named after the song.

 

 

Chapter 1: Get Out Alive

Six months later

 

The squad car pulled up short with a jerk, nearly smashing into the tree fringe. Muttering curses, the policeman driving shut it off, yanked the keys out of the ignition, and leaped out. On the passenger side, Austin was already slamming the door shut and switching on his flashlight.

 

The other squad cars had pulled up in a similar manner, policemen spilling out of them and snatching for flashlights. The Chief of Police was shouting into a bullhorn, but even so, Austin could barely hear him over the sirens. ”œJohnson, Hendricks, and Killian, stay here and establish a containment perimeter around the road! The rest of you head into the woods in a skirmish line-search, staying in sight of each other. You have shoot-on-sight orders if you spot the fugitives.”

Edited October 24, 2008 by Guest

[Obi-here]

Leaps and bounds better than your former chapter 1, I must say. Leaps and bounds. I still wouldn't venture so far as to call this one great, but there is vast improvement. Seriously. It's a much better way to start off Austin's storyline than the last one. And it was also more exciting to read as well. Excellent action, as always.

 

I found the dialogue to be pretty "meh" in some places, like the forced back story type stuff. It wasn't bad. But...meh. Then again, I'm a stickler for great dialogue and it's probably just me.

 

So, another very solid post. Again you did a great job of choreographing an awful lot at once and keeping it going without things getting boring or repetitive. Keep that up, and I look forward to some plot building.

 

Obi

[Amidala Skywalker]

That was much better than the prologue. I'll be interested to see what happens to Austin, though I essentially detest him as a character.

 

Stung, Austin shot back, ”œI don't have a problem with all authority, just inept authority."

 

Whoa...do you know my youngest brother? That sounds just like something he'd say...

 

Good start, Ethro.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Wow, just gotta say, you had me really creeped with the tornado-looking thing. It's the sort of thing that shows up in my nightmares.

[Obi-here]

Wow, just gotta say, you had me really creeped with the tornado-looking thing. It's the sort of thing that shows up in my nightmares.

 

That's weird. It reminded me of Jesus.

[Lord Ar-Pharazon]

I've never criticized a serous piece of fanfiction before, so congratulations Ethro Brealis! In a post I read of yours in the Community Forum, I've come to understand that you don't think I've ever posted anything of substance on this site, so I intend to prove you wrong right now. I've done a lot of RPing on this site with various characters, and I took an editing class in college too, but mainly for scholarly writing. Some of the principles still apply though. Maybe my comments are all crap, but I am intending to give you usable input. Here's my critique of your work”¦

 

I was immediately turned off when I read the first line. When it contains a typo with two phrases glued together like this, what am I to think?

 

A pale moon hung in the sky, dusk's last light turning it a dusty rose color.

 

That's like a waitress forgetting to read me the dinner specials after she shows me to my seat. Tolerable, but not by much, and of course her tip is going to suffer for not alerting me of the French Onion. It totally sets the mood. Anyway...

 

So, let's get into the meat and potatoes of this fanfic. I know this is a war story, but I just wasn't feeling it. It read more like Peter Jackson and his production company getting ready to film the fake battle at Helm's Deep. I mean that the lines don't sound realistic. They sound like they're being yelled in a battle sequence, but rather written out by someone who is imagining a battle sequence, rather than experiencing a real one. When there's soldiers fighting, and arrows being sprayed through the air, people don't have time to yell out lines that end up taking 10 seconds to say. Battle commands can't be more than a couple words here and there, and they usually have to be really dramatic before the battle, or really rushed and sudden within the battle.

 

Sure enough, a column of unarmed borakull was clattering down the street for the back door of the armory. ”œArchers to the windows and barricade the door!”

[Dartha Athanth]

Wow. I think that was the longest thing in fanfic that I've seen LAP write. (Is it even longer than his fic?)

 

Sorry I'm still struggling through it, somehow the paragraphs are a little too long and my eyes keep slipping off them.

[Tiana Calthye]

I’ve never criticized a serous piece of fanfiction before, so congratulations Ethro Brealis! In a post I read of yours in the Community Forum, I’ve come to understand that you don’t think I’ve ever posted anything of substance on this site, so I intend to prove you wrong right now. I've done a lot of RPing on this site with various characters, and I took an editing class in college too, but mainly for scholarly writing. Some of the principles still apply though. Maybe my comments are all crap, but I am intending to give you usable input. Here’s my critique of your work…

Holy--dang. Critique moar. I was going to run through and do something similar, but why bother?

 

Technically I critiqued the first draft to death, anyway. I'll leave your critique to stand for the first chapter/update, and add on only one thing.

 

You sound like you're trying to sound like a fantasy author, and it's freaking annoying, Ethro. Stop with the fancy words. LAP brought up 'a pair of Borakull' could be 'two Borakull' and I agree wholeheartedly. You don't need fancy, cheesy language--you just need it to flow, quick and harsh, and cut through the story. I wouldn't have kept reading from the prologue. The chapter one, though--yes, I would have.

 

And capitalization of Borakull, most definately. I still can't help the feeling that I've heard the word before. XP

 

I think it was a fine piece of writing. I’ve always been a big fan of “in media res,” which is Latin for “in the middle of a thing” in which the story starts out amidst the action.

I second that. It's the best way to start a story. Just make sure the readers can make sense of it! Not everyone's smart. I found this out the hard way, that readers actually expect to know something about the universe before you start telling a story.

 

Moving on.

 

And now to settle on the sleeping shifts... Austin was thinking just as the Lieutenant in command ordered them to line up by rank and then split evenly by having every other officer step forward. “This group will sleep first shift,” he pointed at the half Austin was in, “except for privates Becker and Ridge. You're on watch. The rest of you, grab a bunk. We'll change at zero-three hundred hours.”

 

Occasionally you make dialogue/thoughts/description flow a bit awkwardly. "Was thinking" is passive voice and it's generally best to avoid that. I'd simply cut out 'Austin was thinking' because we know Austin's narrating by now. And now to settle on the sleeping shifts...

 

The Lieutenant in command ordered them to line up by rank and then split up evenly, by having every other officer step forward. "This group will sleep first shift." He pointed at the half Austin was in. "Except for privates Becker and Ridge. You're on watch. The rest of you, grab a bunk."

 

Etc.

 

If you're going to insert description in the middle of dialogue, it's best to end the dialogue sentence, make it a sentence, and then start the dialogue again. If you're going to cut off thoughts, make it "Blah blah--Austin's thoughts were cut off by the Lieutenant." Rather than 'he was thinking'. Because technically, it's happening NOW, it's not a was. You want to keep your readers in the now.

 

That's my big critique. You did pretty good with it in this update, but I found the prologue bored me to death. Especially since it's so different. I'd keep reading on this chapter one. It's a pretty good read. Right in the middle of the action, emotional and nasty. Still not quite publishable quality, but I've read stuff of this quality in magazines.

 

Remembering your early fanfics, this is such a shot at improvement.

 

Still, it reads pretty slow. You probably want to break paragraphs and sentences up to be shorter, here and there, to keep things moving faster. Long sentences keep us there longer--long paragraphs keep us there longer, and when you're writing action, you want it to feel like BAM BAM BAM.

 

With that in mind, this was good.

 

And there was a set of gill flaps on its neck.

 

Alien as hell.

 

That was really good. Perfect use of the fragments for effect.

 

I think for your final sentence, you could've broke it up a bit more too. Something like this?

 

Then the glowing pool contracted and exploded like a supernova, catching Austin up. Everything went white, he felt the sensation of floating...

 

Something struck him in the head and he blacked out.

 

All in all, that was a damn good read. Much better than the prologue. I could stand reading this in a book, and I'd keep going too, just to find out what happens to Austin. Because I actually care about him, I think.

 

There you go.

[Ethro Brealis]

EDIT: Yeah, Tiana... except you NEVER GOT PAST THE SECOND PAGE OF MY DRAFT IN YOUR CRITIQUING!!! No hard feelings- I understand how busy you are. So, actually, I didn't get a whole lot of constructive criticism on it. When I go back to seriously rewrite it, I'm going to delete the whole prologue and redo it from scratch, much as I did with chapter one. Maintaining the general idea, of course. Although a major change I can think of right away is the watchtower crumbling. As my theory of magic developed, the ability to accomplish something like that was removed from everyone unless you were willing to dabble in a rather cruel form of spirit magic. But no more spoilers...

 

Thanks for the review, LAP. I easily agree with most of what you wrote. Like I said, this chapter was written over a year ago. And yes, I'm too lazy to go back and edit it before posting it. But hey, that's why I'm posting it- to get critiques.

 

Your remark about the first line seems painfully obvious as I re-read it. It should be a semi-colon instead of a comma, right?

 

That remark about the mages also notifies me of a very important thing- actually, it's not the borakull who are mages, although there are some. It's human mages who created the sword apparition to distract the borakull while commando squads infiltrated the city. As a side note, I'm not capitalizing borakull because they're a race. Like humans or elves or orcs or whatever. Specific nations will be capitalized (You'll hear of plenty later) but for now, it's generalized races.

 

True, I didn't describe the borakull, other than implying they're roughly man-sized and mentioning their unique forearm blades. Unique? Yeah, you'll see why. I neglected description of them intentionally. You see, I'm writing this in a sort of "subjective reality" viewpoint. The humans have been fighting these things for a while and are accustomed to them, so describing them would be a break of character. However, in the first chapter (you just reviewed the prologue), we find them in extremely different circumstances. You'll get your full description there.

 

That said, here's chapter two. This is where it really dips into the genre of fantasy. Yes, I know it's an info-dumping chapter. I need to get your feedback on how to cut it down. So, please lend me your opinions. Especially on the first few paragraphs. I don't want to throw away all of that info, but I need a better way of introducing it. Oh yeah... on a scale of 1-10 of confusion at all the terms, with 1 being very confusing and 10 being shoot-yourself-in-the-head confusing, what is this chapter? I'm serious. I'm eating a major crow to even post this chapter. It's probably my least favorite of what's written so far.

 

Chapter 2: First Day's Ride

Six weeks later

 

The clank of weapons outside awakened Ralynne. She sat up slowly, blinking in the sunlight streaming in the window. Stretching briefly, she pulled on a tunic and leggings, and carefully brushed out her long brown hair. She buckled a slim belt around her waist, grabbed her cloak from the bed, and stepped outside. Other elves were already running back and forth, carrying weapons, armor and supplies to the stables.

 

She made her way to the common armaments storage shed and opened the second armor cabinet. She removed a light lorica with chainmail armguards and knee-length leggings and pulled it on, buckling tough leather bracers on both of her forearms. Moving on to the weaponry storage, she made straight for the bow racks, and quickly found hers; the ornamental inlay of each bow was done by the owner, making it as distinctive as a written signature. She carefully checked the limbs for cracks and the string for fraying before slinging it on her back and finding her quiver. Each arrow received a brief glance down the length of it to ensure it wasn't warped and the fletching was in good condition.

 

She pulled a long dagger in an ornate sheath out of the quiver and buckled it on her belt. As she passed the sword racks, a particularly distinctive sword hilt caught her eye. With a mischievous gleam in her eye, she removed it from its place and went back to the bow racks, where she stowed it behind them, along a support beam and nearly invisible to the casual observer. Rubbing wax on her bowstring, she left the building. It was a bother to keep their armaments in a central location, but the environmental conditions were much better than they would be in their rooms.

 

”œRalynne!”

[Tiana Calthye]

EDIT: Yeah, Tiana... except you NEVER GOT PAST THE SECOND PAGE OF MY DRAFT IN YOUR CRITIQUING!!! No hard feelings- I understand how busy you are. So, actually, I didn't get a whole lot of constructive criticism on it.

I READ more than that! I READ WAY MORE THAN I CRITIQUED! (flails) I just don't feel the need to keep going when the comments I'd left above applied to more than just that sentence!

 

I'd read through your original prologue and chapter one, at least. Seriously. And I'm sure I went through and critiqued the entire prologue. Just because there weren't comments throughout the entire thing, I went through that thing in DEPTH.

 

Seriously. But I don't work very well over email.

 

Ralynne chuckled. “I mean it this time; there might be linukari or even Genzelari lurking around” she called over her shoulder.

Why the different choices in caps?

 

Also, comma necessary.

 

Also, typically cheesy elves.

 

Also, GAH, why can't you stay in one time for a while here? I was interested in him! And then you go SIX WEEKS LATER. It's like you're telling three entirely different stories here. It's a bit jarring. I realize I have a tendency to do the same thing, so I forgive you, though. But I don't jump around in time so much. Actually, I found this chapter quite interesting in its own right. Like all of them, though, the problem is that they feel like three entirely different stories. Is it relevant? I'm sure it's relevant. But especially since you just put Austin in physical danger, the time jump makes my head HURT.

 

It's all like BUT I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM NOT WHAT HAPPENS TO SOME ELF SIX WEEKS LATER.

 

I mean, I like the elf. I like the vaguely peaceful scene. It's relieving after the last two pretty violent chapters. I like these characters, they're decent and believable and add a nice, soft touch after all the harsh stuff before. It's just fairly jarring.

 

I like the star symbolism.

 

And you have me interested with the talk of shades and spirits and summoning. Quite interested.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

The shades just make me think of Eragon.

 

This seems to be in two different genres: fantasy and action. Each section is beautifully situated in its category, but they're kind of separate styles. If the two parts of the story are going to come together, you're going to have to synthesize the styles a bit.

[Ethro Brealis]

You know, as I'm looking back over my reasons for the extra time gap, they all make sense... but it's not particularly necessary. Hmm. I think I'll edit that out. As for the separate styles... gotta agree with you there. It's the result of writing the first chapter a year after everything else... just something I need to work on.

 

ATS: How DARE you reference that accursed series in my story!!!

 

Tiana, just let me have that one, okay? I'm just kidding, ATS.

 

Yeah, I realize that using shade (not capitalized, though) was remnicient of Inheritance, but they're extremely different. I'll be going into a little more detail later, but for now I'll let you all know that shadows and shades are spirits. A shadow is the spirit of a being that is currently living (like it's a part of them, you know? A shadow?) while a shade is a spirit that has been called back from the afterlife by necromancy, a Black Elf (Genzelari) special. Why a shade? Because... I forget. For now, just accept it. If I come up with an explanation for that, I'll let you know.

 

You'll be seeing Austin again soon, don't worry. Not in the next chapter... but the next one. The first four chapter establish the main viewpoints. Austin's will be the most frequent, but the others are not to be ignored. Especially this one... I decided to post the next chapter right away. It's a very short one, for you people who keep complaining about my long prologue. jk (although it WAS only 6 pages in Word...)

 

 

 

Chapter 3: A Change of Commanders

Drums echoed around the encampment, calling the legions together. It was time.

 

Even the sentries were called back. No watch was set upon the mountains where the enemy lurked. No precautions were taken against a surprise attack. Any such attack would be foolish. The enemy lacked the strength to engage the legions. They could only isolate and overwhelm small parties or snipe with crossbows at larger units. As for the fearsome Folon... they were not renowned for stealth. Any attack could be seen coming for many miles across the plain and the archers and mages gathered.

 

Quon-Xanatar glanced up at the assembling ranks. The challenges had been issued yesterday with standard tradition, and both challenged and challengers were swimming in the lake, preparing themselves for mortal combat.

 

Quon-Xanatar took another look over at the list of challenged names. Because of the war, ambition was high. If every challenger won today, the officers' ranks would experience a twenty-five percent turnover. Not that it would happen, of course. The actual number would probably be around seven to ten percent. Officers didn't gain their rank without strength and cunning.

 

Many large rings had been marked out on the plain, each one eight paces wide. No attempt had been made to level the ground or remove stones and other debris. This was a test in resourcefulness as well as skill. Several one hundred pace-wide rings had been marked out and were liberally strewn with tree trunks, posts, and boulders, many of them large enough to provide cover. Groups of mages clustered around those rings, casting magic shield domes over them.

 

The drums pounded once more and fell silent. The combatants left the water and made their way to a ring, forming double lines on either side. They wore no armor, but used their own weapons or chose from the piles of equipment by each ring. The first matches began without much fanfare. The ringmaster signaled to each combatant to enter the ring and they immediately began. From where Quon-Xanatar sat, only one third of the rings were visible but all of the large ones were in plain sight.

 

He focused on the nearest small ring where two opponents had begun fighting. One of them, he noticed, was his squad commander. The other was a higher-ranking officer, apparently a battalion commander. He was surprised at this; the higher officer was a well-respected champion. Perhaps his commander had stretched a little too far this time...

 

The two were grappling hand to hand, trading punches and trying to bring their forearm blades into play. His commander was obviously getting the worst of it, his arms and shoulders bleeding from a few unblocked strikes. The higher-ranking officer snatched a smooth mace from where it had fallen inside the ring and leaped forward, swinging at his opponent's head. The squad commander ducked slightly too late, and the mace grazed his skull, sending him tumbling. He landed with one arm beneath him as the other combatant charged with mace upraised. The mace descended with unstoppable force, but the downed fighter rolled to the side and kicked his opponent's arm, driving the mace into the turf beside him. His arm appeared from under his body, and it was holding a knife. It left his hand with a flick and reappeared in his opponent's throat, toppling him with a gurgle. The other warrior stood up, retrieved the mace, and finished the duel.

 

Quon-Xanatar watched in mild surprise. He had seen his commander grab the knife and knew how the fight would most likely end. The finishing move was stylish, although a bit messy. That's what came from using maces. The ringmaster dragged the body out of the dueling ring as the former squad commander received his promotion.

 

It would seem that Quon-Xanatar's squad would be electing a new commander the next day.

 

His attention was diverted as two contestants approached one of the largest rings. They each selected a crossbow from the stacks and a quiver of crossbow bolts. They walked through the magic shield and entered the ring on opposite sides, crossbows leveled at their opponent. The ringmaster, standing well outside the ring, raised his arm and then dropped it. Both combatants simultaneously fired at each other and threw themselves behind the nearest boulder, log, or post. One of the crossbow bolts stuck, quivering, in a post, and the other struck the surrounding magic shield and fell to the ground.

 

Quon-Xanatar leaned forward, watching the higher ranking archery officer. More could be learned from the hand-to-hand duels, but the archery sniping duels were more interesting to watch. The officer reloaded his crossbow and ventured a swift glance across at his opponent. He pulled his head back behind cover not a moment too soon, as another bolt whistled past. Knowing how long it took to reload, the officer leaped up and rushed towards his opponent, dropping behind a log just as the soldier raised his bow for another shot. Only twenty paces separated them, optimum distance for accurate shooting.

 

Cautiously, the officer raised his head, knowing there was a crossbow centered on him. He was just high enough to see over the log, but no bolt whistled towards him. He leaped forward over the log and immediately dropped to the ground as the soldier fired. Quon-Xanatar saw the bolt miss by a couple inches and shatter against a boulder, but the officer gave a chittering cry of pain and fell heavily on his side. The soldier's head appeared from behind cover, and almost instantly, a crossbow shaft sprouted from his forehead. He toppled over as the officer calmly stood up and walked out of the ring.

 

Quon-Xanatar shook his head in disgust. No soldier should fall for that trick. Then again, with the war going on, the officers were seasoned veterans and many of the soldiers were fairly green. The high losses in the early campaign produced a high turnover in the ranks, and then the sudden drop in military action after the stunning victory in the capital city meant that one-quarter of the army had not yet seen battle of any sort.

 

He watched the rest of the battles with mediocre interest. Most of them came out like the first archery duel. The ambition of the soldiers and minor officers could not match the skill of the higher commanders. As the sun was sinking low in the sky, the Trials were drawing to a close and Quon-Xanatar felt the need to bathe. His skin was dry and his limbs were weak from mild dehydration. The lake was nearby but he longed for the taste of salt water. Only a couple miles to the east was a large salt marsh, which was much more appealing. Quon-Xanatar stood up and loped over the hills, reaching the marsh in only fifteen minutes. He easily found a deep pool and dove in, shivering with delight as his skin soaked up the water and his gills unfolded from their wilted position. Letting all the air out of his lungs, he dove to the bottom and relaxed in the pressure. The air was so... stifling at times. You couldn't feel it against your skin or smell all the tangs like you could in the water.

 

When he felt thoroughly invigorated, he re-surfaced and headed back to the encampment. Just as he neared the final ridge, his sharp ears picked something up... a quiet rumble, not in the earth but in the air. Just as he crested the ridge, the ground in the middle of the encampment exploded. A gigantic pillar of blue-green light shot into the clouds, then subsided into a shimmering pool. At the distance, Quon-Xanatar could just make out the figure of something standing on the edge of the pool. He couldn't see what it was, but it looked vaguely mannish. He rushed closer and saw through the gathering crowd what looked like a man, but slightly taller, with long dark hair and black, ashy skin. His eyes were bright green, and he carried himself with authority.

 

”œI seek your commander. I issue a challenge.”

[Anakin T Skywalker]

I recognized him!

 

Gosh, I hate that black elf. So creepy, and so cool... very fantasy-esque.

 

I was a little surprised to be suddenly dropped into the middle of the borakull Olympics, though.

[Ethro Brealis]

Yeah, on second thought, that chapter could have waited a while... well, the next chapter should be up in a couple days. I'm trying to stay 45,000 words ahead of you. jk

[Ethro Brealis]

I've been doing some difficult rewriting and finally gave up. I'm faced with the grim reality that the only way to salvage most of this crap is to completely scrap it and write it over, like I did with chapter 1.

 

But first I need some critiques on what particulars need to be changed. So, here's the next installment. Oh, yeah, this chunk is nearly 3,000 words. Just thought I'd warn you.

 

 

 

Chapter 4: Linukari Suppression

 

The day dawned with light mist and an overcast sky. Notwithstanding the gloomy conditions, Ralynne folded her bedroll quickly and was the first in her unit to be mounted. ”œYou're looking cheery this morning, Ralynne.”

[Dartha Athanth]

I love human/elf interaction.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Haha, funny how he gets turned into an elf.

 

There were some cliche-type things in here watch for those. For instance: "I'm not in Michigan any more." That one was really cheesy.

[Ethro Brealis]

I haven't been writing much lately... it's a good thing I'm so far ahead. This update is about 7 pages long, if you care to know.

 

 

 

Chapter 5: First Impressions

 

Ralynne plucked her arrow out of the dragon's neck. She stabbed it into the dirt a few times to clean it, then wiped it off on the grass and set it back on her string.

 

Finnlass made a gesture, and a line of bushes ten paces in front of him flattened. ”œNothing,”

[Anakin T Skywalker]

I like the fact hat you have Austin dragged there by the Black Elves, instead of being randomly transported between worlds by sumbling upon something magic. I also like all your varieties of elves - a little different from the stereotype.

[Ethro Brealis]

You guys are lucky that I directed a friend who wanted to read my story here- otherwise I might not bother to post this for a long while. For a change, this chapter is only 5 pages long.

 

Yes, the chapter title is a reference to the 1995 Green Day album of the same name.

 

 

Chapter 6: Insomniac

 

As usual, sleep eluded him.

 

Sighing, Doryan turned over again and readjusted the cloth bundle that served as a pillow. Beneath the thin mat he slept on, the stone floor was hard and distinctly cold. The air was still and damp. He missed the warm grass and cool breeze of the plains, but it was not safe outside the tower after nightfall, even at the tower base.

 

He was tired, but his mind remained active. With another sigh, he rolled off his mat and dug through his pillow-bundle until he found a light cloak. Wrapping it around himself, he cautiously stepped over the rest of his sleeping companions in the room and entered the central staircase.

 

The wind whipped his long blond hair back over his shoulders as he emerged on the northern observation deck. Quietly he closed the trapdoor behind him and looked around the room. It was bare except for a pair of empty sleeping mats in one corner and a low table next to them. Set in a cupboard cut into the stone was a pair of short Wood Elven bows and their full-size counterparts, with corresponding quivers full of arrows.

 

He wondered that there was no lookout on the north, the most important bearing to watch with the forest straight north of them. But something was not right... there was someone else in the room. He could feel it. Carefully, he scanned the room again. Nothing. But then in the corner by the window, the glint of metal caught his eye. Near the ceiling was a long spearpoint, but the dark wood of the shaft almost immediately vanished into the shadows as Doryan tried to trace it down. He quietly raised his hand and whispered, ”œKenth.”

[DarthBrendo]

I've only read the prologue so far, but that was very well constructed. I agree with the early crits about the descriptors interrupting the flow of a great story. I haven't read any further then the prologue to see if you;ve fixed that, but so far, I relly enjoy it. As someone said, LOTR-ish but distant enough that it's not a rip off. I'll read more later on and post another review.

 

EDIT: Ok I just read through chapter 1. As hasrsh as some of Ben's critiquing was, he was right. Some of your sentences were very chunky with overly long, or weirdly worded sentences. I enjoyed the descriptions, because that's my thing, but as stated they could be tightened.

 

I did like that this was totally different to the prologue in terms of setting. Threw me off for a bit until I worked out what was going, but good effect. Much better post then the prologue for sure, but still with improvement to be made.

 

EDIT EDIT: Chapter 2. Very chunky wording and descriptions. Very intriguing story, and as was commented, this chapter, along with the others sound like three separate stories. There are a number of redundant descriptions / doubled up descriptions, but overall, a very intriguing update.

 

E3 - Chapter 3. A fourth chapter that sounds completely disparate to the rest of what has been posted with the exception of the mention of the boorakull. Until you mentioned gills, I was wondering who we were watching. Your fight/duel descriptions were chunky, and not descriptive enough either. And you made an error that Ben commented on previously...I can't remember what it was now, but it was a second one and I wondered why you did it a second time when it had already been pointed out. Potential, but it felt way out of place with what has been posted so far.

 

E4 - The changing of Austin into an Elf is a little odd. Some cliched lines, some more choppy, chunky descriptions that could do with tightening. This update brough Austin back into the story after 2 chapters absent, and I can only assume he is a major character? To long for him to be out of the story.

 

E5 - Chapter 5. The thought conversation between Finlass and Austing was completely unbelievable. An Elf would never use such common terms, or slang as 'mate'...that whole segment basically ruined the chapter. Vurdas explanation of how Austin arrived was to glib, and too quickly arrived at.

 

E6 - Chapter 6: The transition in conversation from the forest and lack of magic to the arrival of Austin between the two sentries was sudden and like a bad screen wipe. Your action scenes are very chunky, but I did like the way he "discovered" that he can do magic. You really need to work on your sentence structure. Go read Pyxelle's "Demon Souls." She had great descriptive paragraphs and very fluid sentences.

 

I do like the overall storyline, it is intriguing but the execution needs work. My biggest complaint is about the length of your posts. They need to be half of what you're posting. Don't post a whole chapter. Post a part. Find a cliffhanger point, or even a point where the POV changes from one story thread to another and use that. You will see in a number of stories "Chapter 1 Part2" etc. I think I did a chapter over 4 or 5 different parts once.

 

Also, a tip you might beneficial. Instead of having an entire chapter on just one character, leaving it a chapter or more between hearing from primary characters, split the chapters up with part dealing with at least 2 of the primaries. It was 2 chapters between Austin appearing, which, if he is the main character I think he is, is simply far to long.

 

I would recommend reading As Our Paths Cross. Though Mythie doesn't label her chapters as such, you will see that her posts are short and sharp, leaving you wanting to read the next post, and short enough that you could remember what you read when you went in to write a review.

 

I will keep reading, because I am intrigued by the plotline, but you need to take on board the feedback that has been given to you to improve your writing skills.

[Tiana Calthye]

Chapter length is a bit long per post. I PREFER reading long posts, which is why I tend to leave stories for chapters until I read... yeah, I know... but most people don't. I did enjoy these bits though, quite a bit, nice motion to them.

 

E4 - The changing of Austin into an Elf is a little odd. Some cliched lines, some more choppy, chunky descriptions that could do with tightening. This update brough Austin back into the story after 2 chapters absent, and I can only assume he is a major character? To long for him to be out of the story.

I disagree. Read Lord of the Rings and tell me how long Gandalf is out of the main story in Fellowship of the Ring. Or how about the continual chapter between each character in TTT... Frodo and Sam... and then Merry and Pippin... and then Aragorn and Gimli and Legolas... no, I disagree that it's too long for him to be out of the story. If Austin was THE main character, I would agree. However, he shares the story with several other people whose stories are likewise important and I feel that if this was read in the form of a novel, it would read just fine--it's just with the sequencial updates that it can be a bit jarring bouncing between characters.

 

Having tried to fix this problem in a graphic novel by writing INSANELY short scenes while my main cast is seperated, I believe that 'keeping the main characters always in focus' is not always an option, when there's more to the story than what one person sees. I feel that if these other characters are also important to the story, having a couple chapters with them is perfectly fine, though maybe spending some more time on Austin if he is THE main character would be cool.

 

E5 - Chapter 5. The thought conversation between Finlass and Austing was completely unbelievable. An Elf would never use such common terms, or slang as 'mate'...that whole segment basically ruined the chapter. Vurdas explanation of how Austin arrived was to glib, and too quickly arrived at.

Why not? I agree that the dialogue was unbelievable, but I don't believe that elves 'must' fit the stereotype of aloof and graceful in speech. Let elves use slang. I've written uncouth elves before as well as graceful and haughty elves and with several races of elves in a world--not unlike in our own with many races of humans--why shouldn't they have varying manners of speech? So one talks with common terms and slang, and another talks with the grace of a queen? I consider that world building and diversity, and enjoy seeing it in many stories, because too many give elves and dwarves and orcs all the same stereotypes.

 

I personally like murderously evil elves.

 

However, keep it consistant. If you want one elf to speak in a slangy manner, keep him that way, and keep another one with a different manner of speech and let the way they speak reflect on their personality.

 

But I agree that the dialogue was unbelievable and fairly rough. Ethro. Read your dialogue out loud. Dialogue is natural to me... mom and I used to read my scenes and reinact them out loud to work out the quirks. I have the reverse flaw now... I suck at descripitons.

 

Just keep it consistant. Austin's snarky and a bit mean about the way he interacts with people. Keep him that way. Etc.

 

Personally, I enjoyed the last couple updates, but this isn't in a publishable state. I mean, I assume that you're trying to get your writing to that point. It's better than a lot of writing on here and better than your early stuff by far, but you can make it even better. I'm enjoying the story, I'm enjoying your built up world and Austin's not quite so HEROISH nature, incidentially.

 

So work on your elves. I like the fact that I don't like Austin. It makes him realistic, to me.

[Anakin T Skywalker]

I like the eerie sense you created before the attack on the tower, but I'd like to have it built up and sustained more. As soon as it got eerie, BOOOMM!!!! Tower is burning, chaos is happening, people are dying...

 

Also some of your sentence structure is awkward or outright incorrect. Most of your grammar is quite good, but make sure you don't write your sentences overlong.

[Ethro Brealis]

Thanks for the feedback, particularly that comment that I should read my story out loud- long sentences are something I tend to struggle with.

 

And if you have any more specific comments on Austin's re-entry to the story, particularly the conversations with Finnlass and Vurdas, please state them. I never really liked the feel of those, and I've reworked them both several times... without really accomplishing anything.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 7: A New Objective

 

Dawn broke gray and chill, a light drizzle still falling from the low-hanging clouds. Ralynne stood in the small north gate, watching the water drip from the overhanging stonework. The overworked healers were were still tending to the wounded inside, mainly those who had been burned or struck by falling rubble.

 

A soul-orb... that's what General Vurdas called it. The life energy of scores, perhaps hundreds of elves and humans ripped from them and formed into a weapon of terrible power. Much of the north side of the tower had been blasted away or had crumbled, exposing three full levels to the elements.

 

”œWhat a night.”