Obi-here Posted January 9, 2008 Share Posted January 9, 2008 (edited) Title: Knights of the Old Republic: A World Away Author: Obi-gone Main characters: Revan, Bastila, a few of the usual crew for Kotor 1, and more. Rating: PG-13 for Violence, Disturbing Images, Mild Language, Descriptions of Cruelty, and some Sexual Content. Summary: It is four months since the events that occurred on the Star Forge. The Sith are now scattered without a Dark Lord to lead them, the death of Darth Malak and the destruction of the Star Forge significantly weakening both their Empire and their Order. Revan and Bastila, refusing to denounce their love for each other, have been stripped of their title 'Jedi' by the Council on Coruscant. Even so, the Jedi Council has allowed them to take refuge at the Temple on Coruscant and live peacefully with the promise that they will not interfere with Jedi business. But the memories of his time as Dark Lord of the Sith are returning to Revan, and with them pieces of the rest of Darth Revan's plan to destroy the Republic and the Jedi. Soon, Revan finds himself in a struggle with whether to follow the source of these memories or to leave the matter with the unstable Jedi Order. Notes: This is, essentially, my thoughts on how the Knights of the Old Republic series should end. The final story in the trilogy, as it were. I have taken a few liberties with the canon details of both the end of Kotor 1 and other events mentioned by other sources. But I certainly wouldn't call this AU, as the differences are minor. I thank in advance any who take the time out of their busy lives to read this. I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it. Chapter 1 Revan woke slowly, comfortably, from the gentle sleep that he had fallen into. He didn't open his eyes right away. First, he lay there on the bed, breathing softly, enjoying the peacefulness of the moment. He could feel the wind gently caressing him from the balcony at the other side of the room, coming to him from a quiet and dark night. He could feel Bastila next to him, her arm wrapped around him, still in the sleep that Revan had just awoken from. He smiled, eyes still closed, just listening to her calm breathing. This is what it feels like, Revan thought to himself, to be truly happy. Opening his eyes, he rolled over on his side and gazed at Bastila's serene face, stroking her cheek softly with his hand. Just when he thought that his heart couldn't be filled with anymore love for her, that it had reached its limits, there were moments like this, and he loved her all the more. Kissing her forehead, he rolled over again, this time towards his side of the bed, and swung his legs over the bed, doing his best not to wake her. He apparently did a good job, for she didn't stir from her place. Instead, she lay there, motionless and at peace, just like she had on”¦ ”¦on the Star Forge. Revan raised his hands to his head as it started ”“ the all too familiar pain that ripped through his mind, followed by the all too familiar images. He pulled the Force around him protectively at the last moment, hoping that it would last through the rest of the vision, and then felt himself falling through darkness as he lost consciousness. * * * When Revan awoke again, he could feel blood on his mouth and dripping from his chin. His mind was still reeling from the pain, so he took a few deep breaths to try and clear it. The Force shield was still around him, which was a good sign. Pulling its healing strengths around him, he looked up at Bastila, who was leaning over him. The worry on her face vanished somewhat when he flashed her a brief smile. ”œAgain?” Edited January 25, 2008 by Guest "The circle is complete! Now I [Obi-here] am the angst Master!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Could work, even on its own as a one shot... closed up well, see? It was very open with questions and all, but yeah. Hmm. I thought you were going to send it to me to read. ^_^ I do have a feeeew critical thoughts because the sort of thing you're writing here is very much like I tend to write... that lovely dark angst... hope you don't mind. See, you have a nice, dark, evil scene of doom, but you could've definately hikened up the horribleness in it, contrasting it with the peacefulness between two people... and a memory... a horrible, horrible memory... Yeah, so. Essentially, it comes down to formatting... ...And why the page length intro to the story? Isn't that SO my job? Anyway! He could feel Bastila next to him, her arm wrapped around him, still in the sleep that Revan had just awoken from. He smiled, eyes still closed, just listening to her calm breathing. This is what it feels like, Revan thought to himself, to be truly happy. Mmm. I know what THAT feels like. Anyone who's ever been there, in that quiet moment beside another person who they absolutely trust, will know. There's no need for words. It's a pleasant emotion. It definately contrasts the way the scene turns... That's something I really love. Here's a secret about me. My absolute favorite things to write about revolve around 1) Control. 2) Contrast. 3) Connections. Bet if you look closer, you'll see it. There's almost always an underlying control issue. There's always contrasts between light and dark--and a definate gray line blurred between the two. A balance thing. And always, always the connections between something... two people... a person and a thing... a person and an organization... people and a planet... I'm very, very fond of these elements, and so I will shamelessly applaud you for including that element: a contrast, a peaceful emotion that swells (and you convey it quite well in the continued paragraphs) and overwhelms... compared to an evil vision. Yes. (Also, as usual, I love AUs that make me go OMG HOW DID THAT HAPPEN so I'm fine with your storyline, in fact, I would've preferred less explanation in the beginning and more revealing as you go along... like I'm doing with my horridly AU fic...) Just when he thought that his heart couldn't be filled with anymore love for her, that it had reached its limits, there were moments like this, and he loved her all the more Any more. And yes. Isn't that a fun feeling? just like she had on”¦ tick... tick... tick... ”¦on the Star Forge. BANG. There. This is the moment where you hit a contrast. You swing from peace to pain. I notice my technique used too... Ellipsis... repeat. Echo. Short sentence. Fragment. Thing. To make it hit harder, what I would've done would've been... "Just like she had on”” ””on the Star Forge. ...motionless and at peace... Revan raised his hands to his head as it started." Sometimes, repeating more than one element helps. And definately the short sentences. Fragments, used to convey pain, disjointed feelings, and agony--especially in visions! Definately good in visions, DEFINATELY good when your dude's in pain... you're learning and it's fun to read something that reminds me of me. My writing, that is. He paused. Nothing. EASILY my favorite line in the middle of that piece. I think your description's getting a little overwritten, a little too 'tell' rather than show. Hmm. What I'm getting at is that it could flow a little better. Don't worry, practice makes perfect--and my opinion isn't always right, a lot of people like things far more written up than I do. MY ultimate goal is to convey things as simply as possible. It's not everyone's. But this line felt natural. It was that sort of 'hit you in the face'. You had the right pause. The italics worked great. It kind of makes you catch your breath and prepare for an onslaught... It's perfect. Opposed to a couple lines ago... He felt Bastila kiss his shoulder, and he sighed, preparing for the mental onslaught. Then, he began talking. This could be less. More. Um. You know. More... like... (waves around) Oh, screw it. 'He felt Bastila kiss his shoulder. Sighed and braced himself for the mental onslaught. Then... "With you." When would the first shot of pain come? "You were lying on the bed, and I thought of how you looked when you were on the Star Forge."' See? Cutting words down, tags and stuff--we know who's talking--just conveying the fear or the emotion or the whatever... ”œIt's alright,” Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-here Posted January 10, 2008 Author Share Posted January 10, 2008 "The circle is complete! Now I [Obi-here] am the angst Master!" Booya! Are you kidding? Why would I be annoyed at a Tiana crit? I love Tiana crit posts, especially when they balance out with all the things Tiana likes about my story as well. This was a wonderful little surprise. I'm definitely going to take your advice through this story...try using the fragmented italics more. I love that style of writing (picked it up from you, no doubt)...now I've just to keep the angsty feel going for me, and try keeping the overall mystery feel going as well. I love writing. More to come soon enough. Thanks Tiana. You're my hero. "The circle is complete! Now I [Obi-here] am the angst Master!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Lol... I'm trying to learn to balance the good and the bad. I realize that not everyone recognizes my complimenting style so I'm trying to hike it up a bit better. Somehow, I had a feeling something in there'd end up sigged. There's no underscore in my name, though. Anyway, yeah, if you like the technique, you'll learn to use it well with practice. It's difficult at first--reading Matthew Stover... and surprisingly... TERRY PRACHETT (dang, but Terry Prachett is an AMAZING writer and definately the first I'd list when I come to favorite voice/style, right with Matthew Stover) will help. Yes. Terry Prachett. Satire/parody writer, but wow. Wow. His writing is far more than just simple satire... wow. He has an amazing writer's voice, especially in his slightly more serious books. Definately where a lot of my inspiration comes from. Just so you know. I'm glad you love writing. And just so you know, I do like your writing. I'm critical but I often forget to really play up what I liked too and rant too much about the negative. I feel in most of your posted work that you're an equal writer to me. Maybe you don't realize that. You improved, like, BAM. You and Ethro both. I guess that means I did something right. Knowing that I helped someone makes me feel so happy. It's way better than receiving a positive or constructive review. It means I've done something for someone else. Mmm. Yeah. Pass on the love, whee. If you ever need advice on that angsty fragmented feel, hit me up! Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skye Organa Posted January 10, 2008 Share Posted January 10, 2008 Well I hope you're going to continue this. It's good. I like how you've written it and the relationship you've built between Bastila and Revan. But then, I always enjoy reading your work I like where you're taking this on further from the Star Forge and the reactions Revan has when he recalls what happened in his memories. As Tiana singled out, this part sounds so familiar and "real". He could feel Bastila next to him, her arm wrapped around him, still in the sleep that Revan had just awoken from. He smiled, eyes still closed, just listening to her calm breathing. This is what it feels like, Nice visualisations too. I look forward to reading more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Lol...it's a good thing I'm not you, Obi-Here, because I didn't understand a word of Tiana's crit. Not bad. I like the premise naturally. But I guess to me it felt...weird. First, why would these visions cause him physical pain? Why is he even getting these visions/flashbacks in the first place? Two things that I didn't get: One was T's favorite line-- "He paused. Nothing." I don't understand that...?? Also: ”œThat's the second time that I haven't remembered anything from my past. I don't see how it can help me.” SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Explanation of my favorite line. "He paused. Nothing." When he paused, he was waiting for something. Whether it was through the Force or her to say something, to pause him, to comfort him, to anything. There was nothing. It hit him hard. Hard enough to get italics. He carried on talking. It flowed, it was undescriptive, it was there and it broke up the scene, giving you just one second to breathe before being carried off again... I stilllllll like that line. Anyway, that's why I liked it. I'm sure you would've understood my crit had you wrote the story. It was geared very specifically to that writing style and the content. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-here Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Here I am with an update! And a shiny new rating for on the first post to make it look even more official (always a good thing). Thanks for reading, and enjoy. And, yes, Tiana...I've already started reading chapter Six of your story. I'll finish it and give you a review soon. Chapter 2 It was still dark when Revan next awoke. While Coruscant was the city that never slept, the Temple was mostly quiet at this time in the morning. Many would be surprised to find the aura of peace inside the Temple, even in its hours of activity. It was a significant contrast to its surroundings. As before, Bastila was still sleeping, resting quietly next to him. Revan didn't know if he was experiencing visions of memories, but he did know that whatever they were, they didn't occur more than once a week. He was safe to leave her for the time being. Rising from the bed and once more making sure not to wake Bastila, he clothed himself in standard Republic tunic and pants. He couldn't help but look at the Jedi robes folded neatly on his dresser. He still had not become accustomed to not wearing the robes typically associated with the Jedi Order. If he was honest with himself, he really missed wearing them. But, even so, he understood; more importantly, he respected the decision that had been made. The second had been more difficult, but having understanding led to respect. Unable to suppress the urge, Revan walked over to the edge of the bed and planted a kiss on Bastila's forehead. He wished he could stay with her for another hour, even lie down next to her awake and hold her as she slept, but he knew he couldn't. Regretfully, he turned away. ”œRevan?” "The circle is complete! Now I [Obi-here] am the angst Master!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Wow! Excellent work Obi-Here! I loved the humor you wrote into the beginning--it makes a great contrast with the way you ended the chapter in angst. That, and it just made me laugh! I liked the part about getting drunk, and the retarded bantha, and the "master will do fine", and of course, Revan's analysis of Vrook's moods. I still would like more description about this new method of connecting to the Force that causes Revan all this pain. But I guess that's probably key to the plot and all will be revealed in time. I hope. I am assuming that it's because of this training that he is having all these flashbacks. I found it interesting that Vrook is still giving him Force-training even though Revan has been kicked out of the Order. I guess it's too dangerous for the Order to not let him stay involved with the Jedi, even if he has been stripped of that title... SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-here Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Thanks, Ami. The humor was fun to work in. I always think of stuff like that when I'm writing, but most of the time the setting and scene don't call for it, and would actually ruin it. So I took advantage of one instance where I knew the humor would be appropriate. Revan has to have some fun before he goes off to save the galaxy. I understand your desire for more description on the new Force connection thing. I really do. Because I want more description myself. I had to hold myself back from writing more and telling more about it, like I'm accustomed to doing. You guessed it. I can't reveal it all here. I really have to keep it a secret (even from Revan) until much later in the story. But it will all make sense in due time, I assure you. Oh...and...Those training sessions Vrook is giving Revan...very, very illegal. Council doesn't know about that. But more will be revealed about why he's training him later. "The circle is complete! Now I [Obi-here] am the angst Master!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 <3 He had tried to persuade her that he must have gotten drunk when he had been the Dark Lord of the Sith LOL. That's definately the funniest part. The duel stuff worked well. Now, on your comments there.. It's working. Relax. You'd be overdescribing if you described too much. Leaving the air of mystery keeps us reading. That is what you want. Yes? I find it facinating and I'd be disappointed if you revealed too much ahead of time. I love the way you're writing it, it has a very... familiar ring to it! Lol. One grammar nitpick. but Bastila had labeled this excuse as, ”œComplete Bantha PooDoo.” Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethro Brealis Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Wow... right now, I'm just going to say that I really like it. I'll try and get more of a review up later. "According to this website, you should never trust the source of an online quote." --Abraham Lincoln Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethro Brealis Posted February 9, 2008 Share Posted February 9, 2008 *coughpleaseexcusethedoublepostbutthistopicneedsabumpanywaycough* I love the little sprinkles of "Obi-gone humor" you threw in there. Yes, the part about getting drunk as a Sith, and "gotcha, Vrook." Reading through that last post, I am sensing a possibility of a greater number of conflicting/coinciding agendas than Pirates 3. The phrase"Revan caught Vrook in a saber lock, shoved him away roughly. He felt himself sharing Vrook's familiar frown. " is very awkward. Are you sure you meant that? Shoot, this isn't much of a review. It's too well-written to critique anything. Anyway, just overall watch out for overused choppiness in these angsty, actionic sequences. So far, it's pretty good... but it could get tedious. Just something to watch. "According to this website, you should never trust the source of an online quote." --Abraham Lincoln Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amidala Skywalker Posted February 13, 2008 Share Posted February 13, 2008 Are you gone, Obi-gone? Where is an update?? SHE MEANS TO END US ALL!!! DOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!!!!!11eleventyone! There goes Ami's reputation of being a peaceful, nice person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-here Posted February 13, 2008 Author Share Posted February 13, 2008 Sorry. We've got a crazy situation with the computer right now which prevents me from writing down anything on it. Let's just say if I write something on my computer, there's a high chance that it won't be saved. Hopefully by the end of this week it'll all be done, though. "The circle is complete! Now I [Obi-here] am the angst Master!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethro Brealis Posted March 6, 2008 Share Posted March 6, 2008 Two and a half weeks later... still waiting. BUMP "According to this website, you should never trust the source of an online quote." --Abraham Lincoln Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin T Skywalker Posted June 4, 2008 Share Posted June 4, 2008 Okay, time for me to remind you that this is here and I want more of it! I like the feel, and the story has truly captured my interest despite my lack of KOTOR knowledge. Thanks, Tiana! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 Hey, this is a great story! DOn't just leave it here! I'm currently playing a light-side guy for my 5th? 6th? run of the game - I absolutely adore anything KOTOR. Don't hurt my Revan... Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Obi-here Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 Here it is. Obi-gone again. Apologizing for lack of activity. For...like...the fourth time just this year. But...too bad. Sorry to everyone for not writing and not reading. But original fiction has taken me by storm. Seriously. I'm in a writing challenge with a few online friends of mine, and I am ripping up the pages with tons of steam to burn. I love the story, I love writing it, I have big plans for the next story I'm supposed to write for the challenge, but it's not affecting my writing at all for my current one. This is how I've been wanting to write for years. I smashed the writer's block. So...yeah...I also love this story, and if I ever come back to do anything Star Wars it would be to continue with this one. But other than that...I think I'm pretty much done with fanfiction. Certainly for a while. And, Tiana...I'm still planning on reading WtEO this summer. So I might just be back for that. Until next time, Toodles. "The circle is complete! Now I [Obi-here] am the angst Master!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tiana Calthye Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 If you smashed the block, you're forgiven. But only a little bit. -_- I was ENJOYING this. As for WTEO... rofl... dangnabit... I have to update it... I just can't THINK... I'm currently directing my energies to work and to scrawling really rough graphic novel pages. You know what? I'm glad you smashed the block. I wish I could. I mean, I did, for OTE, and I should've directed my energy to that one. I understand very well what it's like to... hover... like that. And I'm sitting here, trying to complete a script for my graphic novel and scratching out pages for it... mmhmm. I'm getting somewhere. We'll see how it goes. I don't plan on abandoning WTEO, though. You guys just know I'll always be a bad updater. Just when I thought it was over, I watched Tiana kick Almira in the head, effectively putting her out of her misery. I did not expect that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dartha Athanth Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Obi's here and gone. Darsha Assant turned dark at 2734 posts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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