The Last Serenade: A Clone Wars Novel (Update: March 26th)

[Jaina Jade Skywalker]

Star Wars: The Last Serenade (Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder)

 

Setting: Clone Wars era, post-AOTC

Rating: PG/PG-13.

 

Big huge thanks to Ami for proofing this for me. And without further adue...

 

*******

 

Part One: Discovery

 

Love: a word overused to the point that many don't even remember what it means. Love is a metaphor. Love is a movement. Love is the chills that run up and down your spine. Love is the silence stirring deep inside of us: the rumblings of a distant thunder, the rush of the water over the falls, the scream of every forsaken lover, the sweet nothings whispered into the ear of the newlywed, the cry of the orphaned child, the sigh of the spoiled heir. Love is a euphemism for longing, for belonging that comes from deep within the heart of every sentient being. Some people are loners by choice; others hate to be alone. Some can't understand love, and some can't live without it. The definition of love differs from opinion to opinion. And yet, everyone still manages to mean the same thing when the three simple words, "I love you," come from their lips: sometimes without thought and sometimes painfully self-aware.

 

What greater love is there than this: that a man lay down his life for his friend?

 

Chapter One: Birth to Death

 

Slowly, silently, as if in cocooned slumber, the Watchdog of Bethlehem crawled, inch by inch, through subspace--an impenetrable tent; an uncatchable giant. The outside of the Star Destroyer shimmered with inexistence, the cloaking shield their only remaining defense as it limped away from the Battle of Talasea, tail between its legs. But the cloak also gave the ship a fearful silence: as if speaking too loud or running too fast could disrupt their only protection. They were like a wounded animal: easily provoked, easily frightened, and perhaps the most important, easily destroyed. It was a cold, lifeless existence, this creeping and crawling through Separatist airspace.

 

And staring out at the darkness of space, 35-year-old Captain Jeskaa Ulch was as cold as the vacuum around her. She was alone on the observation deck, the autopilot droning on at sublight speeds until they reached the next inhabited planet or hyperspace lane - which could take hours, days, even weeks at this point. She had no way of knowing where they were; all the instruments were dead, save the sublight engines and the cloaking device, the latter of which had its own power system and was not directly connected to the ship.

 

It was so far away from the life she had hoped for: her blossoming romance that had been left behind on Pantolomin with the rest of her family, the promise of promotion she had been offered from the Republic fleet that never came, the hero status, the desire to make a difference that hadn't faltered. And yet she was stuck here, limping through space, not risking the speed that could disrupt the cloak. Against her will, she had been pulled from the battle, rather than going down with the ship. And one thing that frustrated her the most about this mission: she had no idea what she was doing.

 

Which was probably not a good thing, considering she was in command.

 

The cargo they were carrying was sensitive and, from the emphasis her superiors had placed on all measures towards protecting it, was quite difficult to capture. She had no idea who the girl they had dragged on board in stun cuffs and a neural restrainer was, but the tall man in the cloak who had accompanied her on board had stated quite plainly (and rudely) that it was none of her concern.

 

She had a couple guesses: a politician or maybe a defector from the Separatists - but that wouldn't explain the secrecy with which they now crawled, nor the stun cuffs binding the girl's wrists. Being the commanding officer hadn't turned out to be nearly as beneficial as she'd hoped, and it was twice more frustrating. Newly appointed, Captain Ulch knew the benefits of command existed.

 

She just didn't know what they were yet.

 

"Captain? Am I interrupting anything?"

 

The voice startled her; the silence of space had been ringing in her ears for so long she was nearly deafened. It was the first spoken word in several days that had not been a hushed voice or a whisper: the claws of suspicion had a tight grip on the entire crew, save her one optimist--the one that now tiptoed onto the observation deck, his hands clasped behind him and that familiar, boyish smile on his face that she couldn't help but mirror.

 

"No, no, Tiv, come on in," she smiled, patting the seat next to her. "I was just reminiscing.”

Edited March 26, 2007 by Guest

[Tiana Calthye]

Do you want critisism or not?

 

Well... you get it anyway. Ignore this review if you don't want constructive critisim. I don't make reviews with critical content for the sake of flaming, it is to help improve people's writing, blah blah blah, disclaimer for the sake of hopefully avoiding offence...

 

Interesting start! I really would have liked to see a bit more in your thing at the top, like perhaps that it was an OC story and not with characters from the movie, and whether or not it's AU... specifically the OCs. Most of the fics currently posted seem to be either NSW or movie characters, so y'know.

 

I like your writing style, it has a nice tone to it and a sort of style that I similarly take when writing serious. Well, sometimes. I've done this sort of swingy style before, and I quite enjoy it. You add a nice variety into your style... yeah, it reminds me a bit of some things I've written in the style. That's a good thing. I appreciate seeing a bit of poetic depth in a fiction.

 

Ah, but critism... you don't get away without it!

 

1) History dumping. I mean, yes, a lot of authors will use it to the mild amount you did here, but I usually have trouble swallowing that a character will be sitting there conveniently in the first chapter and reminising! You're writing third-limited, it's what she's observing... and why the heck is she sitting there and thinking purposelessly about every detail in her past that we might need?! It wasn't that bad of a dump, all in all, I've read stories in which the author shoves every detail at the readers in the first page about their character, character's history, life, family, clothing, and current location, lovers, etc, etc, fill in the blanks. But I did have trouble keeping track of what was present and what was past, and how far back it was, since it blurred together.

 

It worked, just don't let it get much worse, or it will annoy me. I'm a strong supporter of "show, don't tell!", because it drives me crazy when people history dump. I'd rather know that someone's missing their long-lost lover because they see someone that vaguely reminds her of him and tears come to her eyes rather than the narrator just telling and moving on.

 

But, as I said, you didn't do it too badly, just that it felt on the edge of becoming too much of a dump, and the sudden transaction from history into current into dialogue was a bit jarring. Seems you like writing dialogue, bringing me to...

 

2) Gah! GAH. Tag, tag, tag, tag, tag, tag, TAG. No! Stoppit! Okay, most people probably don't care. Zhan himself does the same thing in the Thrawn Trilogy. I hate it.

 

Every line of dialogue does not need to be punctuated with a tag! (flails) And especially not a single different tag every time! It's distracting! Yes, there's two extremes--as a grammar nazi you surely know this... if you use "he said" "she said" every time, it's boring and annoying. But right on the flip side, if you use "he grumbled" "she plantively moaned" "he laughed" "she flippiantly observed" or whatever (not quoting you, just making up) every freakin' time they say something, especially in a dialogue heavy scene, it distracts from following solely that dialogue. It's forgivable when characters don't talk a lot. It's forgivable if a writer takes the time to leave some lines unpunctuated with the character name and tone. Really, let their dialogue do the speaking, and let the dialogue flow, rather than breaking it up with a tag every time. The best rule I've seen for this is to add a name tag every four lines to make certain the readers don't get mixed up on who's speaking. And when trying to keep it focused on that dialogue, use a simple tag like "he said" to be as undistracting as possible. I found that you were just adding too much in between dialogue to keep the flow really neat and conversational.

 

Really, it was a great start. I'd expect to see something of that quality published... I've saw worse, read worse, what you did was very impressive. I liked it. Don't take from my reviews that I didn't. But I enjoy writing reviews that can occasionally be longer than the original post.

 

Which was probably not a good thing, considering she was in command.

This sentence wins.

[Skye Organa]

Good story there Court.

 

Tiana had a lot of valid points... I know I'm guilty of doing the same thing with the history dumping thing... infact all of my next fic is a history thing coz it's actually written for a bio for a new character on a different site...

 

anyway, I'm rambling. It's late, I've had my meds and I'm tired.. but I did want to comment before I went to crash out.

 

I enjoyed what you've written so far and will be keeping an eye on it. I'm interested in your characters... I wouldn't mind hearing more about the battle that they're just coming away from. Also looking forward to hearing who the passengers are...

[Andon]

That was a real nice start to the story... the prologue did a nice job of setting the tone of things to come. Just reading it let me know the characters in this story would face the ugly, lesser shown side of heroism and suffer, yet gain just as much in one way or another. For what is love without sacrifice. Or since it was labeled as Part One we're just made to believe that as you throw us a plot swerve.

 

I'm rather fond that you named the ship the Watchdog of Bethlehem, almost didn't catch it because the ship name wasn't italicized... or it was just a descriptive phrase used to allude to what part the ship will play. Either way I like it.

 

I'm curious about the girl in stun cuffs and her rude "Chaperon". For some reason the girl's brief mention reminded me of the show Firefly. The ship captain looks through an odd piece of cargo he's hauling and finds a naked girl in a box that one of his passengers was trying to travel with under his nose.

 

Good work, though.

[NavyGal]

W00t!!!! JJS IS WRITING AGAIN!!!

 

Ok I know I never seem to post or read anything in here anymore... school in the past year and this year being in Finland but I couldn't resist a new JJS peice

 

I liked it. Can't really think of anything else to say but I liked it! And I wanna read more... so please get your butt in gear!

[Silas]

Good start Court. I enjoyed this piece a lot. You introduced your idea really well, and it was really inventive. I can't wait for more.

 

Tiana, there's a problem when you write a review longer than the story your reviewing.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Sorry, this is off topic, but I just had to comment on this:

 

Every line of dialogue does not need to be punctuated with a tag! (flails) And especially not a single different tag every time! It's distracting! Yes, there's two extremes--as a grammar nazi you surely know this... if you use "he said" "she said" every time, it's boring and annoying. But right on the flip side, if you use "he grumbled" "she plantively moaned" "he laughed" "she flippiantly observed" or whatever (not quoting you, just making up) every freakin' time they say something, especially in a dialogue heavy scene, it distracts from following solely that dialogue. It's forgivable when characters don't talk a lot. It's forgivable if a writer takes the time to leave some lines unpunctuated with the character name and tone. Really, let their dialogue do the speaking, and let the dialogue flow, rather than breaking it up with a tag every time. The best rule I've seen for this is to add a name tag every four lines to make certain the readers don't get mixed up on who's speaking. And when trying to keep it focused on that dialogue, use a simple tag like "he said" to be as undistracting as possible. I found that you were just adding too much in between dialogue to keep the flow really neat and conversational.

 

I find myself not agreeing with you for once, T. I personally like a variety of tags, as it allows one to picture what is really going on. How the character said it is just as important as what they said. Sometimes it even reveals more about their statement. I think your guideline of every four lines would be more distracting, because I'd always forget who was speaking, especially in the first chapter of a story where I don't know all the characters.

 

And besides, you're exaggerating. There were several lines where there were no tags.

 

Anyway, just a random comment. It was just an interesting crit, since you also said her style echoed Zahn's...and I just could pass up the chance to throw my two cents in...

[silent88]

So I don't know if you want feedback from me having not proven myself here yet, but I feel as though I should. It was very well written and a great start please write more, also I feel as thought the ships name was a slight allusion to a certain W.B.Yeats poem or is that just me. Anyway excellent writing please post more.

[Ethro Brealis]

Tiana, there's a problem when you write a review longer than the story your reviewing.

 

Yes, there is a problem when that happens, but not this time, since her review wasn't longer than the update.

 

I think I'll throw in a couple thoughts, too, though... I agree with Tiana on the tags. That's something that kind of hit me after I read Eragon... anything to NOT write like Christopher Paolini. Anyway, I try not to use many, but in long conversations it helps if one character calls another by name.

 

Eh, that's just my style. I'll be reading this.

[Jaina Jade Skywalker]

And besides, you're exaggerating. There were several lines where there were no tags.

 

If several is two.

 

No, actually, Tiana and Ethro are quite right. I read a lot of Zahn, and so naturally the writing style carries over. I'm not too disappointed to be associated to him, but I also know that I use too many tags for my own good as I myself am quite fond of them...

 

But anyways, thanks for the crit, guys. I have the WASL (Washington Assessment of Student Learning) this week on top of a history project, a science fair, Spanish orals, a math test on Friday, and two essays, so bear with me. School's essentially kicking me in the teeth right now, but I'll try to get the next installment out ASAP.

 

I'll say this as a spoiler for the next bit, though... I'm bringing in a couple of very recognizable characters.

[Silas]

As long as they're written well, I have no complaint.

[Ariane]

(this is Tiana's RP alias)

 

I feel the need to run in and defend myself!

 

I find myself not agreeing with you for once, T. I personally like a variety of tags, as it allows one to picture what is really going on. How the character said it is just as important as what they said. Sometimes it even reveals more about their statement. I think your guideline of every four lines would be more distracting, because I'd always forget who was speaking, especially in the first chapter of a story where I don't know all the characters.

 

You don't always have to agree with me. And I don't think I said "you should only use basic tags". In fact, seeing as you read my work, you should have observed I USE a variety of tags. I just prefer when not every single line of dialogue is puncutated WITH a tag. Every line a character says shuoldn't need to be explained. The context... punctation... should all work towards indicating their tones. Sometimes this won't work, and you have to be extra descriptive. I find when every single line has a fancy dialogue tag, it's harder to follow in a nice flow. When two people are arguing, for example--less tags makes it more intense.

 

And then, sometimes it's way better to have a bunch of tags.

 

Yes, what she wrote reminded me of Zhan's, and that is a good thing--I just don't necessarily love how Zhan does his dialogue.

 

Glad you thought it was an interesting crit...

 

Thank you for your support, Ethro.

 

Tiana, there's a problem when you write a review longer than the story your reviewing.

 

SHHH!!!!

 

I don't do that... very often?

[Silas]

As long as you don't count every other post very often you're right.

[Jaina Jade Skywalker]

Ask and ye shall receive.

 

Again, thanks to Ami for proofing.

 

----------

 

"Nar Shaddaa: an endless cycle of short nights and long days, of crime, of filth, of dishonesty. Battle-hardened smugglers and mercenaries wander the streets, unchecked and unrestrained. Drunken gamblers stumble out of cantinas that house the nightlife of the moon; the twenty-four hour grind of wasteful habits that occur on a regular basis. Nar Shaddaa might not appeal to the high-stakes gambler, the multi-millionaire, and the entrepreneur. But as the crime center of the galaxy, it functions quite well as a home for the scum of the universe. The Hutts have the only pocketbook worth chasing on Nar Shaddaa; and they keep theirs under a tight lock and key. To survive in the world of Nar Shaddaa, your draw has to be faster, your mind has to be quicker, and your smile more attractive. Natural selection is the reigning force: dog eat dog. The strong prey upon the weak, yet the weak become strong and take their revenge, and the cycle begins all over again.”

[Andon]

"Certainty of danger?"

 

"Of course."

 

"Probable chance of death?"

 

"Most likely."

 

"Bring it on."

 

I didn't know Mace was training the love child of Steven Curtis Chapman and Gimli!

 

Nice update, though. It was interesting to actually see someone get any kind of emotional reaction out of Windu other then "stern glare" or "slightly sterner glare".

[jedi_master_gimpy]

Hmmm, interesting stuff, JJS (and welcome back, it appears, as well?).

 

It looks like a nice start...I'll save myself much typing and effort and just agree with several of the constructive criticism comments which have already been made.

 

Out of curiosity...is Corporal Loran supposed to be related to Garik "Face" Loran of the X-wing series?

 

I found your interpretation of Mace interesting, since I've always seen much more serious and intimidating characterizations of him, something you noted in his own analysis of his character compared to Depa's. I have to admit to being somewhat confused by their pairing, however... the Clone War era would put this between Episodes II and III but Depa is on the Council (and thus definitely not a padawan) in Episode I.

 

I enjoyed the humor you slipped into both posts. I'll add to Andon's list....your "certainty of danger"... list made me think of Emperor's New Groove.

 

I have to admit to not being an avid reader of the Clone War era (outside of Ethro's finished AU fic, Haunting Choices, so it'll be interesting and a very new experience in timeframe to see where this goes...

[Jaina Jade Skywalker]

Thanks, guys. Next installment isn't quite written yet... I have a whole bunch of auditions coming up that have been eating my time.

 

Actually, Gimpy, he's not related to Face. I noticed the duplicacy in the last names a couple weeks ago and just decided to let it go.

 

Depa's age... well, that was kind of an issue. Technically, I'm taking her out of the pre-Clone era and sticking her into the wars as that age/mentality. Liberties granted by AU/EU, y'know? But very good observation.

 

So I'll try to get something out relatively soon, but bear with me.

[Andon]

Here's hoping you'll be able to write something soon. Otherwise I just might have to bust out this eventually...

 

*holds up a "More story please or we riot" sign*

 

[Skye Organa]

Nice update there JJS. I'm finally getting back to checking on stories again. Now I just need the latest bout of writers block to disappear so I can get back to writing again.

 

I like your interpretation of both Windu and Depa. Interesting and amusing. Can't wait to read more.

[Silas Onnd]

I'm not really one to give "reviews" per se, because I'm not really that good at writing myself, but I enjoyed what you wrote, and thought that it was a really good idea.

[The Jedi Master]

I enjoyed the humor you slipped into both posts. I'll add to Andon's list....your "certainty of danger"... list made me think of Emperor's New Groove.

 

I thought the same thing.

 

Pretty good, though.

[Amidala Skywalker]

I enjoyed the humor you slipped into both posts. I'll add to Andon's list....your "certainty of danger"... list made me think of Emperor's New Groove.

 

I thought the same thing.

 

 

So did I.

[Silas]

Here's hoping you'll be able to write something soon. Otherwise I just might have to bust out this eventually...

 

*holds up a "More story please or we riot" sign*

 

 

I second this post...Hurry!!!!!!

[Jaina Jade Skywalker]

This week's hell week (also known as technical/dress rehearsals) for the school show, so I have about ZERO time.

 

But I'll definitely try to have something out by next week.

[Amidala Skywalker]

Good luck on Tech Week then! Out of curiosity, what show are you doing?

 

Coming from a fellow drama fanatic, I totally understand what this week will be like for you. Try to stay sane.

[Silas]

This week's hell week (also known as technical/dress rehearsals) for the school show, so I have about ZERO time.

 

But I'll definitely try to have something out by next week.

 

Ten Days Later, here we are with nothing to show for it... j/k

 

But out of curiosity, when are you going to have the next part up?

[Andon]

>_>

 

 

 

 

 

 

<_<

 

 

 

 

 

 

>_>

 

 

 

 

 

 

[/LA riots]

 

 

[Anakin T Skywalker]

Blast, I was interested in this! IIII WAAANT MOOOOORRRRRE! (tantrums)

[Jaina Jade Skywalker]

So I was KINDA thinking of trying to resurrect this this summer.

 

Thoughts?

[Anakin T Skywalker]

DO IT! (ignites saber and holds it to JJS's neck) Now, WRITE. And POST!