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Travis

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Everything posted by Travis

  1. There will be more, and in bits and pieces. I didn't want to overwhelm people with details first (a lesson learned from my novel experience). I hope to make this more humorous than anything, even if it is the type of humor that comes from "I can't believe this guy put so much time into something so simple."
  2. Title: The Battle for 621 Ravencrest Rating: PG Rated for: Extreme carnage toward insects and pictures of ant massacres Critique level: Sure, but this is just for fun * The events depicted in this story are based on actual events. The names of the locations involved have not been changed (excluding the address) and are as accurate as government records will allow. We have attempted to gather as many factual stories and news articles as possible, but the government has mountains of files that are still classified. This exclusive special report will cover recent events and continue to keep you up to date as the action develops. We will attempt to warn the viewers before any graphic pictures are shown, but parents are advised to closely monitor young children. Prologue: For many years, the house of 621 Ravencrest has suffered its share of attacks, raids, and even invasions by the Insects; but this year, the peaceful inhabitants decided to fight back. It is not known exactly what started the attacks, but several Insect nations decided at once to launch an assault on 621 Ravencrest from three directions. The Wasps invaded from the west, the Sugar Ants from the North, and the Carpenter Ants from the East. While each alone would be of little concern, that all three launched a coordinated assault threw Ravencrest Military Forces (RMF) into chaos and overwhelmed the front lines. Part I: The Assault For years, various states were always vulnerable to assault, especially the states of Kitchen and Master Bathroom. This time, the Insect hordes decided to expand their footholds in an all out attempt to overwhelm the citizens of 621 Ravencrest. With their new allies, the Wasps, the two Ant nations felt confident that this was their time. When the surprise assault began, there was little that the outnumbered and overwhelmed RMF could do but fall back and attempt to harass the enemy. The first sign of trouble was when a half dozen Wasp Raiders launched attacks first in the Piano district, but later expanding to nearly the entire states of Dining Room and Living Room. Casualties were extensive in the first few days of the assault, especially once word came out that the Carpenter Ants began a renewed swarm against the Master Bathroom. A Carpenter Ant soldier posing for a picture for journalists prior to the War. In the state of Master Bathroom, the Shower and Bathtub districts were first to fall. They were completely overwhelmed and fell within two days. On the third day, Carpenter Ants expanded their control to include the Counter and all the territory in between. Within just three days of attacks, nearly the entire Master Bathroom was in Carpenter control. They would soon send attack parties into the neighboring state of Master Bedroom and conquer much of that territory. Fortunately, through valiant efforts on behalf of the RMF, the district of Master Bed was protected against the invaders and served as a rally point for defeated forces and civilians fleeing Master Bathroom. File footage of Sugar Ants. Note: not actual images from combat. Sugar Ants were also willing to contribute their forces to this invasion. They quickly invaded Kitchen and took Sink and most of the Counters districts. Fortunately, their forces were relatively disorganized from recent wars and were unable to properly mobilize for many more months. Despite their disorganization, they were able to disrupt the vast food industries that took place in Kitchen causing further disruptions throughout 621 Ravencrest. The extend of initial invasions by Insect forces into 621 Ravencrest. The Yellow represents Wasp Raiders. Red indicates Carpenter Ants while blue indicates Sugar Ants. In less than a week, many areas of 621 Ravencrest were under Insect control. Insect forces had advanced farther than they had in over five years and it seemed that nothing would stop them. With the war proceeding so poorly, many on the War Council resigned or were forced into early retirement. This change of command was devastating at first, but once the new commanders took their places, they worked quickly to turn the war around and regain some of our lost territory.
  3. Publication would be a bonus for me, honestly. I am doing this because I have a story to tell and would like to tell it in as entertaining a fashion as possible. If I can get published, great. If not, then oh well. Either way, this novel will be a solid ending that can be read on its own. Though, it will be a rather somber ending (everything and most everyone dead and destroyed), it is an ending. Someone could read it as one solid piece of literature and walk away without a ton of questions unanswered. After all, it is pretty easy to wrap up loose ends when most everyone dies and both sides all but wipe each other out. Very nihilistic.
  4. As I ponder how this is shaping up, the more I realize that it was a very poor decision to jump into the story where I did. As Jidai pointed out, it would work well for an action movie, but not for a novel, at least, not as the introduction to the franchise. There is little room for character development and the great potential for an emotional end to the second chapter is all but lost because it is at the start of the novel. Therefore, I have decided to start earlier in the story and build up to the big battle that you guys have read, then use the rest of what I have written (not posted yet) as the start of the second novel. That means I will start a few years prior (well into the war) and build up characters and the plot until it can reach the climax shown in the first few chapters (which will probably be expanded as there is more to tie up). I have also decided to name the series "The Itollyn Chronicles" after the name of House Itollyn, the primary government/people/family that the series will focus on. The first novel will be titled "The End of All Things" with the second being "And So it Begins." The first title signifying the end of an era and the fall of the Empire, the second referring to the start of the new era and Thazius' struggle to adjust to the new universe.
  5. In the line you mentioned, the title "Dread Lord" is italicized to show he is emphasizing that his father outranks Hatasit. Still, I like your change more and will adapt it. As for narrative, I have tried to cut down as much as possible to keep the intro short, but I am thinking I will have to throw in a lot more background. Sigh, oh the fun.
  6. All ship names are italicized in the original document, as are there tabs. Sadly, it would take a significant amount of time to find them all in the text. I may go back and do it, but I really, really hate how phpBB2 starts you back at the top of the post every time you add BBCode. If you desire and are interested, I could e-mail you these sections (and a little more) in its true form as I have Sasori.
  7. Rest assured, they can die (permanently), it is just not easy. One of the things I am already doing is bringing forth key characters that aren't immortal and have those that are focus on protecting/killing them so that there is that life and death drama going on. Yes, there are quite a few battles at the start, but it tapers down a little. This is an "action" novel, so there will be quite a few battles and action (not all of it fairly impersonal fleet battles) but development will be there, I just need to set up the scene. I am also going to work a little ahead and then take a look at the beginning to see about changing it after some ideas get settled in my mind. I am considering drastically shortening the battle descriptions and moving through the material a little quicker, but am not sure if I want to purge things quite yet. Here is the next part, still not the end of Chapter 2, though.
  8. I am working on dialogue as I know that is my weakness. I think that perhaps some of the later dialogue will be a little better because there will have been more plot development, but yea, I know that is my weakness. Unfortunately, the second chapter also revolves around a massive battle, so I don't get to explore much there. Later chapters will be more dialogue and story based, but yea, working on things. It may seem to drag out a lot, but I am viewing the big battles there as the introduction to a series of books. It may not sell well as a standalone book, but for the moment, I need to get everything in order before I do major editing and cutting down of stuff. In likelihood, I think a bunch of the first two chapters will be cut. For now, I want to develop things more so I can see what is going to be important and what can go. As requested, I will start posting Chapter 2 in smaller chunks. Unfortunately, as it wasn't necessarily designed to be read in small chunks, the stopping points may not be the best, but that is what you want so that is what I will do. And yes, the prologue will make sense later. I don't know if I will keep it or not (one of the reasons I wanted some people to read this), but I figured I would try out something similar to Uncharted 2 with how they start you in the middle of something then explain how they build up to that point.
  9. So this comes before the first part you posted. Fascinating, and much more interesting plot wise than the second chapter. I think the second chapter sets the mood and characters far better, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. The first chapter definitely helps establish the world a little more for the readers, meaning that there are groups and societies that are not in the real world. Either that, or you are being heavily figurative by mentioning the gods. You have a good way with dialogue as was displayed again here in this chapter. As I said before, I wish I had the same skills with dialogue as I think my strengths lie in description of events and the setting. As I haven't seen too much of a long term action scene from you, I am interested in seeing how you handle it.
  10. Jidai, do you have any answers for our questions? You seemed very eager to receive feedback, but you haven't responded. Did you just miss this topic accidentally?
  11. I didn't know that, which is why I asked. I meant no offense to you.
  12. I know there are programs out there designed to help people who are not so artistically inclined with sort of customizable templates. I didn't know if you were using one of these or painting from a blank screen.
  13. They were very good characters, and well described. You have a good skill of keeping detail while in the middle of dialogue, something I struggle on. I am great at setting the mood or background or even working with action, but I really struggle while having long conversations with anything but what they are saying. I must ask, is this a standalone story or is it the second part of a larger story? If there are other pieces already written or planned on being written, I would like to read them. I don't often check in this forum for things (something I am trying to change now that I am posting my own writings here), so if I miss something you post on this topic, please PM me if you can remember.
  14. I guess I will make it a massive wall of text.
  15. This was great, even if I hadn't been here long enough to get most of the references. Are you going to be doing more stories in this style?
  16. Due to the excessively long nature of this post, I micro sized it. If that is not desired, I will post it at normal size, but I figured I would save you guys the scrolling for hours. You can quote it to read it in the reply box or you can copy it to a text document. Per Tiana's advice, I scrapped the introductory style of prologue and replace it with a cold start. Not sure about how it goes over, so I will need advice. The character in the prologue is Thazius, but I am not sure if I need to mention who he is or leave it a mystery. As for the chapter, I changed a few pieces to it and lumped part of Chapter 2 into it so I could move what I planned for Chapter 3 into Chapter 2. I guess this is good since Ch 1 was so short, so it balances things out. By Chapter 3, I will be where I was planning on being by Ch 4.
  17. Good artwork, especially since you did it all yourself. As Jidai said, too early to speak on the story, but keep it coming and I will pay attention.
  18. I will be doing some reworking, so hopefully by the time you get to reading it, I will have the revised version up instead. Though, I will say that I am the opposite of you. I find that it is very hard to keep up with stories unless it is in large chunks. Otherwise, I forget what happens or lose interest.
  19. Well, I already have a rough draft, but I can easily rework a few pages and make it fit. In fact, I rather like the idea of the son coming to save the father's backside and think I can work it well into things. I will also condense the second chapter to fit in most of what I was putting into the third chapter into it that way I can move on. And no, the son doesn't kill the father, he is a loyal son. Wait and see.
  20. Hmmm, definitely good info and I will have to do some reworking to it all. I figured as much and was considering how to better work on things. As I mentioned, revenge is not one of the motivations for Thazius in the rest of the novel. It will be explained, I don't want to spoil it yet. Still, you are right about needing to make people care at least a little about Locutus. And yes, his death does advance the story significantly, and not the least because of the way in which he died. And here I was worried that I may be bringing in main characters too slowly. I can easily expand things out and introduce fewer main characters at first. Perhaps, I can cut the character of Damerson and put Thazius instead. That would require a little rewriting of Chapter two, but can be done. I could then expound a bit on chapter one and see how it heads out from there.
  21. I quote it so you know it is story and not commentary, but I will cease to do so and remove the quote tags on the other post. That is very good info. To be honest, I am one of those nerdy types that loves the backstory, but I suppose that is just me. I shall definitely keep that in mind and cut back on the indexes (at least, those for public use). That isn't being mean, that is telling me what I need to hear. Thank you for it. It was actually intentional. My hope was to set up a massive scale battle (more of that in next chapter) and show how insignificant the individuals participating in it really were compared to the mass carnage around them. The next chapter begins a blend of that style and my first movements toward character development. After that, it will be far less on the large and massive and more on the personal and immediate. And here I come to the point that I am really wanting advice. I have intentions for things, but I don't know how they will be received. I know I don't intend on there being character development in the first chapter, but is that a big no-no? And, I will be extremely honest in saying that good ole Locutus doesn't last past the third chapter (another reason I don't develop him greatly). The next chapter deals with his son, Thazius, and the rest of the series is actually about him and his quest (no, not to avenge his father). Come about chapter three, I will have three "main" characters, by chapter four or five, about six. Is that an unwise move, to introduce a character then kill him off fairly quickly? Should I start building bridges between Locutus and Thazius in the first chapter, or keep the first chapter more focused as it is and leave it to chapter two to bring Thazius in? Yes, I do and I know it. Again, it is part of my attempt to almost desensitize the audience to the mass carnage much in the way that the characters have been. But, don't worry, I do get into more details in the next chapter and plan on adding more in. Still, it is something I need to be careful about and will endeavor to put more detail in. The second chapter is about a third to half again as long as the first. The first was short, intentionally so, but the rest will be much longer. I may have to post small portions of the chapters. Also, that is a great idea for the spacing, I didn't think of that.
  22. Very well, I only explained more of what was up with the acolytes because you mentioned they were very much like Jedi. I also didn't post a huge chunk of text since the last time I tried that, I was told to do it in small pieces because nobody wanted to read a bunch at once. Here is chapter one, if you were interested. Unfortunately, it is a text only translation, not including italics or anything. If you really want, I can go back and space between the different paragraphs. Oh, I did make a few minor changes to the prologue, nothing major, just switched a few dates around.
  23. Jidai, you have a good point. EDIT: Tiana, I will answer your post at the end. There are several differences between what I am hoping to utilize versus Jedi, but I acknowledge they are similar. Then again, many franchises both before and after SW have beings with "Jedi like" powers. I will say that the phasium users in my novel have no connection to a supernatural guidance, nor do they even attempt to seek the "will of the phase" or anything of that sort. In fact, the phase is simply an alternate reality and all FTL travel is connected to it (basically, skirting the edge of it similar to hyperspace or transwarp or thirdspace). The only time any have any true connection to the overarching phase is when Nymeans die, they use the phasium in their veins to navigate their essence to another location and prevent themselves from dying. There are also abilities that are not present, namely most of the sense abilities and a handful of others. As for my hook, I plan on this being an extremely political series as well as one that bounces around many deep (and some not so deep) philosophical questions (and not necessarily from a religious standpoint, either). I will have a combination of the serial epic battle of good vs evil as well as "side quests" or more episodic adventures and stops along the way. There will be a massively complex web of alliances, betrayals, and feuds both on a personal level between characters and on a national scale. I will not lie, as with most sci-fi, there will be similar themes of big battles, advanced tech, and guys with special powers. My hope is to present all of those both on a scale that few think to embrace (galaxies as opposed to a single galaxy and with numbers more realistic in relation to what we see in real life) and to do so in as "realistic" and logical a manner as possible. My hope is to keep this series as "normal" as possible, meaning I won't have the main character as a super special heir to the universe or have tons of special powers or militaries or whatnot in the story. I won't have the main characters discover some super secret relic from the past that makes them special and powerful. And, more importantly, I refuse to have some super powerful but long extinct ancient race that has more powerful tech than anyone else (I personally hate that and think it is heavily overused). I also plan on going very much in detail compared to what most people do. While I know I will never ever compare to him, my aim is to be somewhat like Tolkien in how detailed he was in various background info, indexes, timelines, character/empire/location development, and things of a similar nature. I plan on having around 40 or more pages of resource material per book, and maybe even more. The level of detail I have already gotten for things as simple as ship classes and the info on technology I have developed will be different than the norm. I mention tons of different technologies and try to have a basic explanation in the story, but I will also have detailed comparisons in the index. Tiana, the thing is that I don't want to post the entire story (or even parts of it) on an open forum like this. I seriously intend on seeking publication some time after I get my masters. To put too much on a forum just begs issues. I could create a simple prologue, something like what would go on the back of the book, but that is not the purpose of what was put up. I have seen some novels that had pages as a prologue chapter, that is what I am trying to get going.
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